Jacks Magic Beans

by Brian Keene

  Kathryn cringed against Finley. He grabbed her hand, pulling her toward the exit. Franklin the maitre d’, and several men from the kitchen rushed toward the woman. As he hurried Kathryn out the door, he heard the woman cackling.

  “I found it! I can see it all! Yhtill, under the stars of Aldebaran and the Hyades! And across the Lake of Hali, on the far shore, lies Carcosa!”

  Then they were out the door and into the night. Kathryn sobbed against him, and Finley shuddered. The image of the woman digging into her eye sockets with the soup spoon would not go away.

  ***

  After they’d given their statement to the police, they walked back to Kathryn’s building.

  “How could a person do something like that?”

  “Drugs maybe,” Finley shrugged, “She looked pretty strung out.”

  “This city gets worse every year.”

  They arrived back at her office building, and Finley walked around to the side entrance leading into the parking garage. He’d taken the bus, so that they could drive her car back home. Kathryn didn’t follow, and he turned to find her stopped under a streetlight.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep tonight.”

  “Yeah, me either. Let’s go home and get you a nice, hot bath. Maybe you’ll feel better after that.”

  “I need a drink.”

  “We can stop off at the liquor store—”

  “No,” she cut him off. “I need to be around people, Roger. I need to hear music and laughter and forget about that insane bitch.”

  “You want to hit a club?” He heard the surprised tone in his voice.

  “I don’t know what I want, but I know that I don’t want to go home right now. Let’s walk over to Fell’s Point and see what we can find.”

  Part of Baltimore’s harbor district, the buildings in Fell’s Point had been old when Edgar Allan Poe was new to the city. By day, it was a tourist trap; six blocks of antique shops and bookstores and curio dealers. Urban chic spawned and bred in its coffee shops and cafes. At night, the college crowd descended upon it, flocking to any of the dozens of nightclubs and bars that dotted the area.

  They strolled down Pratt Street, arms linked around each other’s waist, and Finley smiled.

  A figure lurched out of the shadows. “Have ya’ll seen Yellow?”

  Finley groaned. He’d forgotten about the homeless man—the Human Scab. He thrust his hand into his pants pocket and pulled out a rumpled five.

  “Here,” he said, offering it to the rotting man. “I promised you I’d get you on the way back. Now if you don’t mind, my girlfriend and I have had a rough evening.”

  “Thanks yo. Sorry t’ hear ‘bout yo night. I’m tellin’ ya’, take yer girl ta’ see Yellow. Dat’ll fix ya right up.” With one dirty, ragged finger, he pointed at a poster hanging from a light pole. “Ya’ll have a good ‘un.”

  The bum shuffled off into the darkness, humming a snatch of melody. Finley recognized the tune as “Are You Lonesome Tonight.” He shuddered, reminded of the crazy woman at the restaurant, raving about the Elvis impersonator that she’d seen. He tried to remember what it was she had been singing, but all that came to mind was the image of her gored face.

  The eight by ten poster had been made to look like it was printed on a snake’s skin. Over the scales, pale lettering read:

  Hastur Productions Proudly Presents:

  YELLOW

  (The Awful Tragedy of Young Castaigne)

  Banned in Paris, Munich, London, and Rome, we are proud to bring this classic 19th century play to Baltimore, in its only U.S. appearance! Filled with music, emotion and dark wonder, YELLOW is an unforgettable and mystifying tale!

  Not to be missed!

  Starring:

  Sid Vicious as Uoht

  John Lennon as Thale

  Mama Cass as Cassilda

  Janis Joplin as The Queen

  Karen Carpenter as Camilla

  James Marshall Hendrix as Alar

  Jim Morrison as Aldones, the Lizard King

  Kurt Cobain as The Pallid Mask, or, Phantom of Truth

  and

  Elvis Presley as The King

  Also featuring: Robert Johnson, Bon Scott, Roy Orbison, Freddy Mercury, Cliff Burton, Dimebag Darrell, Johnny Cash and more.

  One Week Only! Nightly Performances Begin Promptly at Midnight

  The R.W. Chambers Theatre

  Fells Point, corner of Fedogan St. & Bremer Ave.

  Baltimore, MD

  The breeze coming off the harbor chilled him. This was what the crazy woman had been talking about—actors depicting dead musicians depicting characters in a play. This play. The same play the bum had recommended. The coincidence was unsettling.

  “Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?” Kathryn asked. “You should have tipped him more money.”

  “Only in Baltimore can the homeless get jobs as ushers. Come on, let’s find a pub.”

  “No, let’s go see this! Look, they’ve got actors pretending to be dead musicians playing actors. How cool is that?” She giggled, and looked at him pleadingly.

  He told her what he’d overheard the woman say.

  “Then that’s all the more reason,” she insisted. “Once people read about the connection in tomorrow’s Baltimore Sun, we won’t be able to get tickets because of the demand. People love morbid stuff like that!”

  “Don’t you think it’s odd that this all happened in the same night? You said you wanted to forget about what happened. Don’t you think that attending a play that this same woman went to will just make it that more vivid?”

  “Roger, you said that you agreed with me; that we never do anything fun anymore, that we’re not spontaneous. Here’s our chance! How much more spur-of-the-moment can we get?”

  “Kathryn, it’s almost eleven-thirty! It’s late.”

  “The poster says it doesn’t start until midnight.”

  Finley sighed in reluctance. “Alright, we’ll go to the play. You’re right, it might be fun.”

  He allowed her to lead him down the street and into Fells Point.

  ***

  The R. W. Chambers Theatre wasn’t just off the beaten path—it was far, far beyond it. They picked their way through a maze of winding, twisting streets and alleyways, each more narrow than the previous. The throng of drunken college kids and office interns vanished, replaced by the occasional rat or pigeon. Kathryn’s heels clicked on the cobblestones, each step sounding like a rifle shot.

  This is the old part of the city, Finley thought. The oldest. The dark heart.

  The very atmosphere seemed to echo his discomfort, accentuating it as they went farther. There were no streetlights in this section, and no lights shining in the windows of the houses. The buildings crowded together; crumbling statues of crumbling nineteenth century architecture. The street smelled faintly of garbage and stale urine, and the only sound was that of dripping water, and of something small scuttling in the darkness. Kathryn gripped his hand tightly, and then—

  —they emerged onto the corner, and the lights and noise flooded back again. A crowd milled about in front of the theatre. Finley’s apprehension dissipated, and he chided himself for being silly. At the same time, Kathryn’s grip loosened.

  “Look at this crowd!” Kathryn exclaimed. “It’s more popular than we thought.”

  “Word of mouth must have spread fast.”

  “Maybe your homeless friend has been pimping it.”

  Finley grinned. “Maybe.”

  They took their place at the end of the line, behind a young Goth couple. The theatre had seen better days. The water-stained brickwork looked tired and faded. Several windows on the second floor had been boarded over, and the others were dark. Some of the light bulbs in the marquee had burned out, but HASTUR PRODUCTIONS’ YELLOW and the show time and ticket prices were prominently visible. One side of the building was plastered with paper billboards promoting the play. Others advertised bands with
names like Your Kid’s On Fire, Suicide Run, and I, Chaos.

  The line snaked forward, and finally it was their turn. Finley stared at the man behind the glass window of the ticket booth. His skin was pale, almost opaque, and tiny blue veins spider-webbed his face and hands. Gray lips flopped like two pieces of raw liver as he spoke.

  “Enjoy the performance.”

  Finley nodded. Placing his arm around Kathryn’s waist, he guided them into the building. The usher in the lobby had the same alabaster complexion, and was slightly more laconic than his sullen ticket booth counterpart. Without a word, he took their tickets, handed back the stubs and two programs, then silently parted a pair of black curtains and gestured for them to enter.

  The theatre filled quickly. They found a spot midway down the center aisle. The red velvet-covered chairs squeaked as they sat down.

  “I can’t get over it,” Kathryn whispered. “Look at all these people!”

  Finley studied the program booklet. Like the posters, it was designed to appear as if it had been bound in serpent skin. He struggled to read the pale lettering.

  “YELLOW was written in the late 19th century by a young playwright named Castaigne. Tragically, Castaigne took his own life immediately upon completing the work. When YELLOW was first published and performed, the city of Paris banned the play, followed by Munich and London, and eventually most of the world’s governments and churches. It was translated in 1930 by the scholar Daniel Mason Winfield-Harms; who, in a strange twist of fate echoing that of the original author, was found dead in Buffalo, New York after finishing the adaptation. YELLOW takes place, not on Earth, but on another world, in the city of Yhtill, on the shore of the Lake of Hali, under the stars of Aldebaran and Hyades.”

  Kathryn stirred next to him. “You know what this reminds me of?”

  “What?”

  “When I was in high school. At midnight on Saturdays, we’d go to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It has that feel to it.”

  “Maybe they’ll sing ‘The Time Warp.’ ”

  She reached over and squeezed his hand, and Finley felt good. Happy.

  The lights dimmed, plunging them into darkness. The crowd grew silent as a burst of static coughed from the overhead speakers. Then, an eerie, unfamiliar style of music began. A light appeared at the back of the theatre. The performers entered from the rear, each of them carrying a single candle. The troupe walked slowly down the center aisle, singing as they approached the stage.

  “Have you seen the Yellow Sign? Have you found the Yellow Sign?”

  As they passed by, Finley forcibly resisting the urge to reach out and touch them. The resemblance to their dead alter egos was uncanny. The actress playing Janis Joplin (playing the Queen) was a perfect duplicate, down to the blue-tinged skin that must have adorned her face in death. Following her were Jim Morrison (a bloated Aldones) and John Lennon (a Thale with fresh bloodstains on his clothing). Mama Cass, Jimi Hendrix, Sid Vicious—the procession continued, until two-dozen actors had taken the stage.

  “Look at that!” Kathryn pointed to the quarter-sized drops of blood left in the Lennon actor’s wake. “Gruesome. I can’t wait to see what they did with Kurt Cobain . . .”

  Finley shuddered. “Good special effects, that’s for sure.”

  The singing swelled, the upraised voices echoing like thunder. “Have you seen the Yellow Sign? Have you found the Yellow Sign? Let the red dawn surmise what we shall do, when this blue starlight dies and all is through. Have you seen the Yellow Sign? Have you found the Yellow Sign?”

  They repeated the chorus two more times. On the last note, the candles were extinguished and the lights on the stage grew brighter.

  The first part of the play concerned the intrigue of the royal court. The aging Queen was pestered and plied by her children: Cassilda, Alar, Camilla, Thale, Uoht, and Aldones, all claimants for the throne to Yhtill. They vied for the crown, so that the dynasty would continue, each one claiming to be to be the rightful successor. Despite their efforts, the Queen declined to give the crown away. Mama Cass began to sing, and Finley’s skin prickled.

  “Along the shore the cloud waves break. The twin suns sink behind the lake. The shadows lengthen, in Carcosa. Strange is the night where black stars rise, and strange moons circle through the skies. But stranger still is lost Carcosa. Songs that the Hyades shall sing, where flap the tatters of the King, must die unheard in dim Carcosa. Song of my soul, my voice is dead, die though, unsung, as tears unshed shall dry and die in lost Carcosa.”

  The crowd applauded, enraptured with her performance. Then the Cobain character appeared on stage, his face hidden beneath a pallid mask. When he turned his back to the audience, the crowd gasped. Hair and skull were gone, offering a glimpse of gray matter.

  Finley had trouble following the plot after that.

  Cobain’s character, the Phantom of Truth, pronounced doom upon the Queen and her subjects. The threat apparently came from a non-existent city that would appear on the other side of the lake. Reacting to this news, the Queen ordered him tortured.

  Though Kathryn seemed enraptured, Finley grew restless as it continued. He found it incoherent to the point of absurdity. One moment, a character professed their love for another. The next, they discussed a race of people who lacked anuses, and could consume only milk, evacuating their waste through vomiting. The characters rambled on, and Finley slipped into a half conscious state—his mind adrift with other matters but the actor’s lines droned on in the back of his head.

  “There are so many things which are impossible to explain! Why should certain chords of music make me think of the brown and golden tints of autumn foliage?”

  “Let the red dawn surmise . . .”

  “Aldebaran and the Hyades have aligned, my Queen!”

  “What we shall do . . .”

  “Sleep now, the blessed sleep, and be not troubled by these ill omens.”

  “When this blue starlight dies . . .”

  “The City of Carcosa has appeared on the other side of Lake Hali!”

  “And all is through . . .”

  He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that; head drooping and eyes half shut. Kathryn’s light laughter and the chuckles coming from the rest of the audience startled him awake again. He checked his watch; then glanced around at the other patrons. Immediately, his attention focused on a couple behind them. The woman’s head was in her lover’s lap, bobbing up and down in the darkness. Before he could tell Kathryn, he noticed another display; this one in their own row. A man at the end was lovingly biting another man’s ear, hard enough to draw blood. His partner licked his lips in ecstasy.

  “Kathryn—” he whispered.

  She shushed him and focused on the play, her face rapt with attention. Her cheeks were flushed, and Finley noticed that her nipples stood out hard against her blouse. Without a word, her hand fell into his lap and began to stroke him through his pants. Despite the bizarre mood permeating the theatre, he felt himself harden.

  Just then, there was a commotion at the back of the theatre, as another actor entered. The crowd turned as the actors pointed with mock cries of shock and dismay. He wore a gilded robe with scarlet fringes, and a clasp of black onyx, on which was inlaid a curious symbol of gold. Though his face was hidden beneath a pallid mask identical to the one Cobain was wearing, there was no mistaking the trademark swagger. He swept down the aisle, pausing as the crowd burst into spontaneous applause.

  “Thank you. Thank you very much.”

  He bowed to the audience, and then took the stage in three quick strides.

  “Behold, the Yellow Sign upon his breast!” cried the Queen. “It is the King of Carcosa, and he seeks the Phantom of Truth!”

  Hendrix, Lennon, and Vicious entered the audience, each with a burlap bag slung over their shoulders.

  “Masks!” they called. “Everyone receive your masks! No pushing. There’s plenty for everyone!”

  Finley pushed Kathryn’s hand away in alarm. They
were passing out knives—real knives rather than stage props. The lights glinted off the serrated blades.

  “Kathryn, we—”

  His statement was cut short as her mouth covered his. Greedily, she sucked at his tongue, her body suddenly filling his lap. The scene replayed itself throughout the theatre. Men and women, men and men, women and women. Couples, threesomes, and more. Clothes were discarded, and naked, glistening bodies entwined around each other in the seats and on the floor. All the while, the dead rock stars waded through the crowd, dispensing knives.

  “Kathryn, stop it!” He pushed her away. “Something is really fucked up here.”

  “Have you found it, Roger? Have you seen the Yellow Sign?”

  “What?”

  She slapped him. Hard. Then, grinning, she slapped him again.

  “Now, you slap me,” she urged. “Come on, Roger. You said you wanted to do something different. Make me wet. Hit me!”

  “No!”

  “Coward! Pussy! You limp dick mother-fucker! Do it, or I’ll find someone else here who will!”

  “What the hell is wrong with you?”

  It’s like she’s hypnotized or something! All of them are! What the hell happened while I was asleep?

  On stage, what appeared to be a masked ball scene was underway.

  “You have questioned him to no avail!” Elvis’ voice rang out through the hall, echoing over the mingled cries of pain and ecstasy. He was addressing the actors, but at the same time, the audience as well. “Time to unmask. All must show their true faces! All! Except for myself. For indeed, I wear no mask at all!”

  As one, the crowd picked up their knives and began to flay the skin from their faces. Some laughed as they did it. Others helped the person sitting next to them. Finley turned, just as Kathryn slid the blade through one cheek. A loose flap of skin hung down past her chin.

  “Kathryn, don’t!”

  He grabbed for the knife and she jerked it away. Before he could move, she slashed at his hands. Blood welled in his palm as he dodged another slice. Then he slapped her, leaving a bloody handprint on her cheek.

  “That’s it baby!” she shrieked. “Let me finish taking my mask off, and then I’ll help you with yours.”