The Roots of Us

by Candace Knoebel

  “When you can do all of that, then you have truly forgiven him.”

  I let his words soak in. Let the world fall away as he held me against him. He was right. I’ve been punishing myself, and I needed to stop.

  The question was… where did I even begin?

  AFTER MY CONVERSATION WITH BASIL, I decided to push everything aside. My work, my feelings, my love life… all of it was going to take a backseat to the fun I deserved to have with the crew.

  I congratulated Matt and Sarah, and apologized for the distance I’d created between us by burying myself in the work.

  I found James by the bar, and offered to buy him a drink as a thank you for forcing me out of the cutting lab. By the end of the night, everyone was drunk and singing about small town girls taking midnight trains. I wanted to capture that moment. Store it away and label it under the moment in my life when the world shifted enough to begin to make sense.

  By morning, there were only a few of us awake when the sun climbed over the trees. The few I saw appeared miserable, alcohol still pouring from their pores. I’d spent the latter part of the night packing, so I was beginning to carry my stuff to my bus when I spotted James jogging out from the forest.

  “Last jog?” I said as he made his way over to me.

  He stopped, placing his hands on his hips as his chest heaved in and out. “I’m going to miss this place. There’s so much more depth here than there is back home.”

  “I know what you mean.” I slid the crate of my editing equipment into my van.

  He followed me back to the cabin, and then grabbed two of my suitcases while I grabbed my laptop.

  “So, I know we haven’t discussed it yet, but if you haven’t already found a place in LA, you’re more than welcome to crash with me until you do.”

  My first thought was to reject his offer. I didn’t want to send mixed signals. My second thought was there were no signals in what he said. Just a friend helping a friend.

  “That would be great,” I said.

  He didn’t say anything more after that.

  We waved off most of the crew. Some were headed back to LA to wait for James’ next project. Others were headed East to work on whatever came their way next.

  I found my bus parked in front of the gates, just like on that first day, waiting for Basil to come out of his office.

  “Hey, boo,” he said as he stopped in front of me.

  “Hey,” I said, smiling.

  “You taking off?”

  “Yeah.”

  He looked to the road. “I always get excited when I see a road.”

  “Why?”

  “Because the possibilities of where you will go next are endless.”

  I smiled at that. Of course he’d leave me with one last deep thought. A part of me didn’t want to leave. This had become in some ways a home.

  “You can come back,” Basil said as he hugged me.

  We both knew that was unlikely. It wasn’t a lifestyle I wanted. It was his, where he felt safe, away from the outside world.

  When he pulled back, he gave me a sympathetic smile.

  I was crying. For the third time this year. What in the hell was wrong with me?

  “Listen, I’m going to tell you something I’ve learned over the years,” he said, his hands cupping my shoulders. “I’ve had plenty of people come through these gates that I grew to love, who received the change they needed, and then I watched as they flew away with renewed wings.”

  I ate up every word, as if it would feed the hole I felt widening in my heart.

  “Every great moment in everyone’s life, whether it’s a good moment or a bad one, is only just that—a moment, Hartley. They aren’t meant to last. Only to teach. Some moments last years. Some only seconds. But when you’ve learned what you were supposed to from that moment, that’s when the moment is up and it’s time to move on.

  “You came here searching for something. I could see it in your eyes that day when you pulled up to the gates.” He still held my shoulders, bending so he could search my eyes. “But you aren’t lost anymore, are you?”

  I shook my head through the blur of tears. “No… I don’t think I am.”

  OCTOBER 27, 2016

  “THERE’S SO MANY PEOPLE HERE.”

  James poked his head inside the door to the small theater where we were debuting the first screening. We were standing in the lobby, hiding behind a pillar, watching as the last viewers headed into the theater. Basil was in there somewhere with Malick, waiting to see himself on the big screen. Eating up the attention.

  The air was loud and alive with excited chatter. My heart was flapping its wings, proud and nervous. I’d poured so much time into this project. Made tough choices and stuck by them, seeing this thing through to the end. This documentary meant more to me than what we were portraying on screen.

  It meant I could fall, and still get back up.

  I was a fighter. A warrior.

  Yet, I still felt like somewhat of a fraud.

  “They’re going to love it,” I said, fixing his tie. It was painfully obvious he’d never tied his own before. It was something I’d become accustomed to over the past five months of living with him. I did our laundry because he couldn’t tell the difference between liquid detergent and fabric softener. I ordered our takeout because he’d go all day without eating unless someone reminded him. In some ways, he was still a big kid running around in a grown-up’s shell.

  We ate side by side. Worked side by side. We’d become joined at the hip. Editing all day. Binging on classic movies at night. Being around him fed the loneliness in my heart. We were platonic. In a lot of ways, best friends. And in that time, I felt like I could breathe easier. I could think clearer.

  I tended to the wounds of my mistakes by telling myself I was a martyr. I didn’t contact Hudson in between projects, because he deserved better than a hookup here and there. What we had… it was special, and I welcomed the burn I felt when I’d think of his eyes, because it reminded me that I was doing the right thing. I suffered with missing him, because I couldn’t be permanent, and he couldn’t be happy living this lifestyle with me. Not when he had his own wounds to deal with.

  “I want to take you out. After this. If you’re cool with it,” James said a moment later, his voice nearly drowned out by the crowd as a couple walked by us, into the theater. His face was stone-still, eyes watching my every motion as I processed what he’d said.

  “Take me out?” The words felt gummy and stale on my tongue.

  He nodded. Brushed his thumb over the soft flesh of my exposed shoulder. “You and me. A date. What do you say?”

  Five months and he’d said not a single word about wanting to be with me. We’d been roomies. Best friends. But somewhere deep inside my gut, I knew this day would come.

  I glanced at the hard silver lines sprinting across his tie. What reason did I have to say no? It’d been almost a year since I’d last seen Hudson. I’d done well with not thinking about him. Living with James was like living with a circus; there was never any downtime to think because there was always something magnificent happening to watch.

  “That depends,” I said, picking up the eyelash that had fallen onto his cheek. My heart thrummed inside my chest.

  “On?”

  “Will you tell me your real name?”

  He smirked. “After the date,” he said. “I promise.”

  I held the eyelash out to him. He closed his eyes, and then blew it from my fingertip.

  “Okay,” I said, softly, meeting his eyes when they opened.

  Sun shone through his gaze. “Okay?” he repeated, his lips fanning out like the proud feathers of a peacock.

  “Yes.” I felt my grip on the past weaken. I had to accept that this was my life now. This was where my decisions had placed me. How could I go back?

  His grin could touch the stars. “You know, for years, I’ve felt restless. Moving through project after project only to find the subject didn’t sate me
the way I thought it would. Not until Basil. And not until you pointed this film in his direction.”

  I slid my hand over his cheek. “We helped each other, James.”

  “Yes, but because of you, I’ve decided to forgive him. That last morning during my jog, I sat in the field and thought a lot about everything we’d been through while working on the project. I thought about my mom, and what she’d want me to do, and then the strangest thing happened. When the wind played in the grass as the taste of rain saturated the air, that was when I felt closest to her. Just like the morning Dad left us. Just like the day we put Mom in the ground… that was when I forgave him.”

  He leaned against the pillar, eyes dancing over me. We were supposed to be heading inside. The show was supposed to start soon. But he was perched casually, as if he had no other place to be but there.

  “That’s good to hear, James, because I’ve decided to forgive him, too.”

  He looked at me funny.

  “My dad,” I reminded him with a small giggle. “I’ve decided to let the idea of him go. My dad’s known how to get a hold of me. He hasn’t, because he doesn’t care. And that’s okay. In some ways, it’s better this way. How about you? Are you letting your dad go or reaching out?”

  He chuckled. “You thought this was about my father?”

  This time, I was the one looking at him funny. “Of course. He stole your car. Screwed you over. You changed your name because of him. You have plenty to forgive him for.”

  He swallowed thickly. “Maybe, but that isn’t who I’ve been talking about all this time. It’s my older brother, and I can’t wait for you to meet him. I’ve already called him and asked him to come. That’s who we’re currently waiting for.”

  Shock dropped my jaw open. “I didn’t know you had a brother.”

  “I do.” His chin lifted. “As a matter of fact, here he is.”

  Everything stopped as the man James called his brother walked through the door, soaked to the bone from the torrential downpour outside. It was as if I had never left him. Almost as if we were still back in Florida, on the beach that day, lost in a world I wished I’d never left.

  Just like that, Hudson was back in my life.

  “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.

  Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

  ― Rumi

  “HARTLEY, THIS IS HUDSON, MY brother.”

  Droplets of water beaded on the ends of his long lashes and dripped from his hair, which was slicked back in a bun on the crown of his head. His white button-down clung to him like a second skin, his flesh peeking through the wet fabric. I felt like I was back on the beach, lost inside that ocean-blue gaze.

  Bear Man.

  My bear man.

  At least… he used to be…

  “Hudson, this is Hartley,” James continued, painfully unaware that all my pieces I’d carefully glued back together were falling apart, scattering at the feet of the man I thought I’d had enough time to move on from. “She’s the reason we’re standing here now,” he said affectionately. I felt his adoring gaze caress the side of my face. “She showed me how stubborn I was.”

  I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think past the longing in his eyes, sprouting like buds waking up from a cold, hard winter. How could I still love someone so fiercely after so much time had passed? My heart had only just yawned awake. Kicked off the covers, stretching before him as the haze of sleep wore off.

  I lunged into the safety of his arms without thinking, cautions left somewhere in the shadows. A hot stinging pulsed behind my eyes, pressing against my heart. Time had cruelly crawled its way between us. Slipped between the broken cracks of our hearts we foolishly neglected.

  His arms wound tight around me, my bones cracking beneath his desperate grip. He felt like returning home after a long vacation. Like my heart had only just remembered how to beat. I was warm, alive, and open. My skin peeling back, exposing my ugly truths.

  I’d never stop loving him. I was foolish to believe I ever could.

  When he finally let me go, he stood back, his gaze peeking out from behind the bars we’d wedged between us.

  “You’re here.”

  It was the dumbest two words I’d ever said. Of course he was. Because I was standing next to—

  “Silas.” I turned in James’ direction. The revelation came hard and quick, like a punch to the gut. It felt like the universe expanded, and then contracted, the truth shaken from it like loose change emptied from its pockets.

  All the fractured words Hudson had shared with me that I’d stolen, kept secret within the palm of my hand, they came pummeling to the forefront of my mind. I was the constant, and he was the adventure. A free spirit. Unruly and emotional. A mother deceased. A father on drugs. How could I have missed it?

  Though, did we ever see what we weren’t looking for?

  Slowly, the world decided to spin again.

  I collected my blindsided thoughts and pinned them to the air between us as clarity steamrolled through my blood, scrubbing the shock clean from my tongue. “Your real name is Silas. Silas Taiga Jameson.” I pointed a finger at him as my thoughts wove into an answer. The answer. “Is that… that’s where you got James from, isn’t it? Your last name?”

  A rainstorm of emotions fell across his face, dark and foreboding, as the years he tried so hard to bury came piercing through the surface.

  “How did you—” He paused, his forehead shadowing over his eyes as his gaze moved to Hudson and me, the short space between our bodies throbbing with an ache to close the gap. “How do you two know each other?”

  Hudson hadn’t taken his eyes off me. I felt small and large, all at the same time within his gaze. Like a star, blazing within his universe. He was still the same as I remembered, his spicy scent making my stomach come to life. My emotions were tripping over themselves, begging to be felt first. I’d been so stupid for not trying harder. For slithering into a corner, hiding, using my petty thoughts to justify the distance.

  I looked to Hudson. “You found him. Your brother… he’s back.”

  “Hartley?” James’ voice… I meant Silas’ voice… was smaller, private, questioning.

  I tried to find the right thing to say. “He was…We were…”

  What was Hudson? The one who got away? The one who gave up? The one who left a hole the size of Florida inside my heart? The one I’d ran from, all because I couldn’t find the courage to let him all the way in?

  The crushing pain in James’… fuck! I mean Silas’ eyes said he knew who Hudson was to me, and it was quickly replaced with that of green-eyed ownership. He slid his arm around my waist and pulled me against him, the air choking on envy. “It doesn’t matter. You’re here with me, and you finally know the truth. We all do, I guess.”

  Hudson took one look at Silas’ arm around my waist, and then met me square in the eyes. I felt like a bug under a magnifying glass. My heart was shredding, the mangled pieces lost somewhere inside the rage boiling in my stomach.

  I removed Silas’ arm.

  “You two are together?” Hudson asked, his voice splintered and scratchy like sandpaper. He couldn’t look at me when he asked. As if he was afraid of the truth he’d find in my eyes.

  Shame painted my skin in red.

  “Yes,” Silas said possessively.

  At the same time, I’d said a firm, “No.”

  Silas’ eyebrows swooped in distress. Betrayal placed its large, rough hands around my neck, squeezing my denial back down my throat. “We’re going on a date after the show.” Arrogance and silly pride oozed from his pores.

  Hudson nodded, his lips pulled tight, jaw ticking. His gaze retreated from me, back into the shadows. I felt the walls building between us then.

  Anger and hurt swirled around my heart. I didn’t want to take full ownership of this moment. I wanted it to be broken off and shared between us, but there he was, his angry gaze dropping it on my doorstep. I left. I sai
d I’d go on a date with his brother. But who the hell was he to get angry? He was the one who changed his number. Who promised to wait for me, and then broke that promise, just like every other man I ever knew.

  “I guess that’s good then,” Hudson said, his voice as dry as the air in the room.

  “It is.” Silas tried to put his arm back around me, but I moved away. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t pretend. I had been pretending from the moment I walked away from Hudson.

  When would my lies ever end?

  “What are you doing?” Silas asked. I hated the hurt prickling in his eyes. I hated the hurt stabbing like daggers in Hudson’s gaze.

  And I hated that I was the one hurting them.

  “I just… this is a lot to process, James.” I shook my head. Placed my palm against my forehead as I clenched my eyes shut. “Shit! I mean, Silas.” My fingers pressed against my temples. “I can’t even call you by the right name,” I explained, feeling like the walls of the theater were closing in.

  His voice softened, movements gentle. “It’s James. Nothing has changed, Hartley. I’m still the same guy I was ten minutes ago.”

  “Your name is Silas.” Hudson’s words cut through the carefully constructed present Silas had created. He continued to watch me unravel. Made no move to comfort me. I felt like I was being punished. Maybe I deserved it. I did, after all, leave him. This was what I did. I caused havoc.

  Silas turned on Hudson. Together, side by side, I could see why they were brothers, though Silas didn’t tower over people the way Hudson did. Their stances were similar… shoulders strong and confident. Jaws squared and chins prominent. But Hudson didn’t favor his mom the way Silas did. He was dark and brooding to Silas’ light airiness.

  This should have been a celebratory moment. Hudson had waited so long to reunite with Silas, but at that moment, hostility bared its fists between them. There was a weight in the room, black and sludgy, bleeding around our feet.