Undeniable

by Kandle, Tawdra

  I scowled into the creeping dark outside my window. “I wasn’t saying you did. Just that it would be easy to fall into something neither of us is ready to deal with if we’re not careful.”

  Joss snorted. “Yeah, because you’ve spent the whole summer being careful, right? Please.”

  I propped a foot on the dash. “Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did. In more ways than one. I made sure I was safe, and I kept any girl with me safe, too. And then I took care of their memories so no one got ideas. It worked out okay for everyone.”

  She shook her head, and I was pretty sure she rolled her eyes again. “Whatever. Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I heard the edge on my own voice and hated it.

  “It means that you were a dick to all those women, Rafe. How would you like it if you found out someone did that to you? What if I said, ‘Hey, guess what—I slept with you right after you got to New Orleans, and we had a wild night, but then I took away your memory about it, because I’m just so wonderful, I knew you couldn’t live with the heartbreak of never seeing me again?’ I think you’d feel a little betrayed.”

  “That’s bullshit.” Still, she unnerved me. Joss struck me as a loose cannon, and I wondered...

  “You didn’t, did you? Sleep with me before last week?”

  She shot me a smug little smile. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

  I hissed a sigh and turned away. This was getting me nowhere but frustrated.

  “Look, Rafe, calm down. I don’t have an agenda here. If I hadn’t offered to have you at my house—I mean, let you stay with me, not have you, sorry—then you would have ended up wherever Cathryn decided. Maybe at Harley’s house, or one of the other operatives. I figured I’m the only person you know here. At least a little, anyway. And I’ll just leave you alone. You can do your own thing without me bothering you.”

  She turned off the road and pulled up at a gate that swung open as the headlights hit it. The driveway beyond was banked with trees on either side, though I could see light cutting through the branches here and there that were other houses, I assumed.

  “Here we are.” She made a sharp left, and we were in front of a building that seemed as though it had grown up out of the ground, like the trees. It was weathered wood, dotted with windows and the occasional deck.

  “This is incredible.” I squinted up at the townhouse.

  “Yep. So are you coming in, or do you want to take the car and go find yourself a hotel?” She braced her hands against the steering wheel, and I noticed her mouth was a thin, tight line.

  “I’m coming in. Sorry about before. It’s been a long day. Or maybe week.”

  A smile played at the corner of her lips. “I’ll drink to that. Come on, let’s get everything inside.”

  Calling this a townhouse wasn’t really accurate, I decided. First of all, it wasn’t in any town; it was more like a tree house, hidden into the forest. And second, it was huge. The entire first floor was a great room, with a fireplace, an eating area and a kitchen off to one side. Each bedroom had its own level as well as a private bath. At the very top, there was another open room, a sort of loft that Jocelyn had set up as an office.

  She fit here, I decided, watching her move around the kitchen. We’d both changed, Joss into some kind of stretchy pants and a big t-shirt. I wondered what she had on underneath and felt a curious stirring between my legs.

  No, none of that, I reminded myself.

  I had put on an old pair of shorts and t-shirt after Joss had shown me to my room. It was on the second floor, right below hers.

  “This works. I can get to my office without bothering you, and you can come and go whenever you want. I’m sure when we go back to the manor on Monday, Cathryn will offer you a car. That’ll give you some more freedom.” Joss stood at my doorway, her face unreadable.

  I nodded. “This is great, Joss. Thanks. Really, I know I was an ass about it, but I would rather stay with you than deal with people I don’t know right now.”

  She relaxed maybe a fraction and turned to leave. “I’m going to get settled and leave you to do the same. Then I’ll try to make up something for us to eat, if you’re interested. I’m not sure what’s good in my fridge after I’ve been away so long, but there’s probably something I can toss together.”

  I hadn’t eaten since we’d tossed back some dry muffins at the airport that morning, so food definitely sounded good. I was perched on a stool now at her counter, holding a bottle of beer and watching her flit from cabinet to refrigerator to counter, mumbling to herself as she went.

  “Are you sure I can’t help with something?” I felt stupid, sitting here doing nothing while she worked.

  “Hmmm? Oh, thanks, no. I kind of work to my own rhythm. I’m afraid we’re going to have to stick to pasta tonight. I have enough stuff in cans to make that. I’ll go to the grocery store tomorrow.”

  Cathryn had told us both to take the next day off and return to Harper Creek on Monday. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was going to do with a full day of down time, especially now that I was out here in the middle of the forest. Although there was one thing...

  “Do you mind if I call my grandparents before we eat?” I pushed off the stool and slid my phone out of my back pocket. “I just realized Gram still thinks I’m in New Orleans.”

  I expected a little teasing about being a grandma’s boy, but Joss only nodded. “Sure, go right ahead. I think we have about another twenty minutes before everything’s ready.” She opened a can of diced tomatoes and dumped them into a pot. “Reception might be a little spotty in the house, though. You could try outside. It’s quiet, and the bugs shouldn’t be too bad yet.”

  The deck off the kitchen was wide, with a few groupings of chairs and some umbrella-covered tables. I sat at one near the railing, looking off into the deep velvet black of night, and hit Gram’s speed-dial button on my phone.

  “Rafe! Where on earth are you?”

  I wasn’t ready for the exasperation and near-panic in my grandmother’s voice, and I frowned. “I’m—actually, I’m in Florida. How did you know I wasn’t still in New Orleans, Gram?”

  “I received an email this morning from the Monteleone, detailing your final charges upon check out, as you had requested that I be copied on that bill. Remember?”

  “Oh...yeah.” I had forgotten, in all the excitement and rush of leaving. “Sorry, Gram. I meant to call you earlier, and then things got a little complicated.”

  “I imagine so.” If I hadn’t known her so well, I might have thought my grandmother was angry. Her tone was crisp and clipped. But I knew that only disguised her relief and leftover worry.

  “It’s kind of a long story.” I hedged a little, craning my head to see into the kitchen. Joss was still bopping around, her lips moving in time with what I assumed what music I couldn’t hear from the deck. She stirred a pot and then disappeared into the fridge.

  “I happen to have the time for a long story.” Gram’s words jerked me back to our conversation.

  “Oh, yeah-okay. Well, Gram, I know you’re not going to like this, but I’m working for Carruthers.”

  “Really.” She evinced no surprise whatsoever. “And just how did that happen?”

  I laid it all out for her: the dinner with Joss (minus our after-meal activities, of course: some things you just didn’t share with a grandmother, no matter how cool she was), the disastrous job the next day, our trip back to Florida and my meeting that afternoon.

  She never said a word while I spoke. When I finished, she sighed. I could almost taste her weariness across the miles.

  “I should have known there was no holding you back. But Rafe, you saw a man drop dead yesterday. Murdered, or so you assume. How can you think it’s a good idea to go forward now with Carruthers?”

  “It’s because of Donald McCall’s murder that I want to be part of it. I felt something in that room, Gram. It reminded me of Marica Lacusta—a scent of evil. Just ba
d stuff, dark...and this chick who did it, she looked at Joss and me, and she smiled, like it was no big deal. Off an old guy, walk away. No way to prove anything against her. I want to be part of a company that fights that.”

  “And you’re so certain that you are? You’re sure Carruthers isn’t another side of the same coin?”

  I rubbed the back of my neck and stared into the trees. “I have a gut feeling, but no, I can’t be sure. I’m taking it one step at a time. For now, I’m starting my training with them on Monday. We’ll see what comes next, but I don’t think they’re going to throw me into anything dangerous. This Cathryn seems to be pretty cautious.”

  Gram was quiet again. I waited, not pushing.

  “Rafe, I can’t tell you what to do. I’m not there, and clearly I can’t appreciate the situation as well as you can. But please, I’m begging you, as your grandmother, be careful. Don’t jump in without thought. Don’t be reckless.”

  “Me?” I teased her, trying to lighten the mood. “Reckless? Gram, you know caution is my middle name.”

  “Hardly, and don’t think you can humor me on this. I have grave reservations.”

  I shifted and glanced inside again. Joss was getting out plates, so I figured dinner was close.

  “What does Gramps think about it?” I didn’t talk to my grandfather on the telephone very often. I knew I had his support, and if I needed him, he’d be there for me in an instant. But almost all of our communication while I was away went through Gram.

  Gram hmphed. “He told me I should back off and let you follow your instinct. Said I had to learn to trust that you could handle yourself. Foolish old goat.”

  I grinned, picturing how that conversation had done down. Gramps might have been the quieter one in the relationship, but he could handle my grandmother. Not that she would ever admit it.

  “Gram, I love you, you know that, right? Try not to worry. I’ll still check in, and hey, I’m closer, right? Maybe I can drive down and see you one weekend. Or you could come up here. Cathryn said families are always welcome to visit Harper Creek.”

  “I just might take her up on that.” Gram cleared her throat. “Tell me, where exactly are you right now? I’ve never heard of this Harper Creek.”

  “About four hours north of King, as far as I can figure. Why? Would you really think about coming up here?”

  “Perhaps. At any rate, please be sure to keep in touch. I can’t help being concerned.”

  “I understand. I’ll call at least once a week, okay? But try to trust me. I love you, and I’ll talk to you next week.”

  “I love you, too, Rafe. Be well.”

  For a few moments after the call ended, I sat, staring down at the dark phone. Something else was on Gram’s mind, but she wasn’t ready to share. I wondered...an idea, almost a dread, poked at the back of my mind, but I pushed it away. No use getting paranoid when I didn’t really know anything. Tasmyn was out of my life, and even if Gram had heard from her, that didn’t mean it should affect me.

  “Rafe? Dinner’s ready, if you want to come eat.” There was a tentativeness in Jocelyn’s words that I hadn’t heard before as she leaned out the door, her eyes shadowed. I cursed under my breath. I hadn’t meant to hurt her feelings on the way over here, but it felt like I’d screwed up that easiness between the two of us.

  A mound of golden angel hair pasta dotted with herbs and tomatoes was centered on the simple white plate. As I sat down, Joss set a glass of white wine in front of me and held out her own glass to touch mine.

  “Cheers.” She smiled as the glasses clinked. “Here’s to...new ventures.”

  “And new friends.” I put a little extra emphasis on the word and held her eyes. “Thanks again for letting me stay here, Joss. And for this dinner. It looks delicious.”

  She fussed with her napkin and shrugged. “It wasn’t anything. I like to cook, but I didn’t have much in the way of ingredients tonight. I’ve been away for a while. I should have had someone restock before I got back.”

  I almost groaned as the subtle taste of the pasta hit my taste buds. “God, Joss, this is seriously good. I didn’t realize how hungry I was.” I sipped my wine and enjoyed the flavors on my tongue and then frowned a little as what she had just said struck me.

  “How long exactly were you in New Orleans, Joss?”

  She cast her eyes up to the ceiling, thinking. “About...oh...four weeks? Carruthers sent me down when it looked like you were going to hang there for a while. It seemed like a good chance to make contact.”

  “Why did you wait so long?” Part of me was still hung up on what she’d said earlier: could I have slept with her and not remembered? I didn’t think so. But Joss had been a little cagey about all of her abilities. She had said she was a mixed bag.

  She lifted one shoulder and twirled the spaghetti around her fork. “We weren’t sure exactly what was going on with you. Carruthers had tracked you all summer, all over the country. Not to mention that week in Canada. There was some suspicion that maybe you were already working for someone else. And we knew you’d had the run-in with Marica Lacusta, so we needed to exercise caution there. What if you were working with her?”

  “With the witch?” I spat out the words and gave a harsh laugh. “Yeah, not likely. I was number one on the kick-the-bitch-the-hell-out-of-this-country committee.”

  Joss nodded. “Yeah, we figured that out, too. Carruthers has been monitoring the situation in King for a while. Ms. Lacusta was a new player, and she made us all...uneasy.”

  “If you were monitoring the situation so closely, then you know why I left King.” I let my fork fall onto the plate with a clatter. I didn’t want to take anything out on Jocelyn, but damned if it didn’t piss me off that she knew so much about me.

  “Not really. We have some ideas, but no one knows for sure. We found out from some local sources that there was unpleasantness with your stepfather at your graduation party. And he and your mom took off pretty fast the next day.” She took a long drink of her wine and set it down on the placemat with care, centering the goblet on a round yellow flower. “We know, too, that Tasmyn Vaughan started college this fall at Perriman, the same school Michael Sawyer attends. But no one could ever confirm or deny a relationship there. I mean, between the two of you.”

  I clenched my hands under the table. “That’s because it’s no one’s fucking business.” And maybe because I’d slowly and systematically erased memories that year. Taken away any residual trace of knowledge that Tas and I had ever been more than friends. I’d left just a few minds alone: Amber, because I knew Tasmyn would be suspicious if her best friend suddenly couldn’t remember a chunk of time out of our senior year; Michael’s, because I was just cruel enough to want him to remember and to wonder; and Tasmyn herself. I had toyed with the idea of making it go away altogether, for everybody, so no one except me would know what was between us. But in the end, I needed her to remember.

  Joss finished her pasta and set down the fork with barely a sound, her face serene and almost expressionless. “I take it I hit a nerve. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up something painful.”

  “Sure, you didn’t. You’re fishing. You want to know what happened, and you can’t find out, and it’s eating you up. Well, suffer on. It has nothing to do with you.”

  I stalked to the sink with my plate, scraped and rinsed it and put it into the dishwasher. I might have been angry, but I was raised right.

  “Sure. I’m just one of the girls you took it out on. One of the many. Tell me, Rafe, did fucking every girl who caught your eye ease your pain? Did it make you forget her? Because I’m thinking no. There were twenty in New Orleans alone, from the time I got there. God knows how many before, and in every other place else you landed last summer. But she’s still eating away at you. “

  “She’s nothing to me.” I leaned against the counter, my arms stiff and shoulders tight. I couldn’t think about her. I didn’t want to remember.

  “Yeah, you keep telling your
self that. See how it works out for you.” Joss stomped across the kitchen and tossed her plate into the sink. It landed with dull thud against the steel, but she didn’t break stride.

  “I’m going to bed. I’m sleeping as late as I want in the morning. And then I’m going to the gym. If you need the car, the keys are by the door. Don’t get lost, I’m not getting out of bed to rescue your sorry ass.”

  Her last words, yelled down the steps, were punctuated with a door slamming as she reached her bedroom.

  I leaned my back against the sink and closed my eyes. Why I’d let her get to me again, I had no idea. But the least I could do was clean up the mess. The one in front of me, not the one I’d made between us.

  I rinsed her plate and silverware, cleaned the pots and put everything into the dishwasher. I found the soap and figured out how to start it up. After I was done, I wiped down the counters, the stovetop and the table.

  After that, there was nothing to do but go upstairs and try to sleep.

  I turned on the television and tried to watch a movie. But I kept getting distracted by the sound of Jocelyn moving around above me. Every time I closed my eyes, all I saw was her...her face close to mine, intent and focused as she rose above my body...felt her lips trailing down my chest, lower...

  I groaned and punched the pillow. This was stupid. She was just another girl, and why the hell was I letting her get to me? And if she was getting to me so bad, why didn’t I just go up and knock on her door, instead of hanging around down here like some lovesick preteen?

  Because, I reminded myself, I was pretty sure she’d slam the door in my face. And after I’d made such a big deal about us not falling into something, I couldn’t be the one to cave.

  So instead, I got up and took a long, cold shower. And then I got into bed, put a pillow over my head, and thought about anything but her.

  Or at least I gave it a try.

  ***

  I DIDN’T GET up the next morning. My eyes stayed closed until afternoon. By the time I showered—again—and rolled down the stairs, the house was silent. The key hook was empty and the car gone, so I figured Jocelyn had made good on her intent to hit the gym. Part of me wished I’d been able to go with her.