Undeniable

by Kandle, Tawdra

  “No. She doesn’t know we hired you, Rafe. And I plan to keep it that way.” She looked over my shoulder out the window. “Tasmyn is still a little fragile. Telling her that you are here, that you’re working with us, could disrupt her life, and we don’t want that.” She bit the side of her lip, worried it between her teeth, in the only sign of nerves I’d seen in her up to now.

  “No, we don’t want that. Not now.”

  I took a step toward the door. “What if I say that’s bullshit? What are you going to do if I go find her right now and tell her everything?”

  Cathryn straightened her back. “Clearly I can’t do anything to stop you, Rafe, but I will ask you not to do that. Please, think about it. If you care about Tasmyn—or if you ever did—don’t do this to her.”

  I clenched my fists, and Joss came to my side. She pulled one of my hands close to her face, held it to her lips.

  “Rafe, please. I’m not any happier about this than you are. But let’s not do something that can’t be undone.”

  She wasn’t wrong, except for one small aspect. I could do something, and then I could undo it. I could go storming up the steps now—I could feel her upstairs, could sense her essence, the familiar mind—and I could take her in my arms, kiss her. Tell her everything, how much I missed her. That we were both working for Carruthers now and it was obviously fate or something else wonderful that had brought us together again. And then...if I needed to...I could make her forget it. I could make them all forget.

  “No, you couldn’t, Rafe.” Cathryn sounded tired. “I’m sorry, but you dropped your guards. I could hear you. But all the people in this house have their blocks up. Even Tasmyn. She’s been trained now, and you probably wouldn’t be able to manipulate her.”

  The ‘probably’ told me Cathryn wasn’t all that certain about Tasmyn’s blocking. But it made me stop. I ran a hand through my hair, relaxed the other hand that Joss still held and laced my fingers with hers. Somehow holding onto her made it easier not to move.

  Cathryn rose. “I’m going upstairs now to see what’s going on. Please stay here until I let you know it’s clear.” She turned toward the door, and then she stopped and spoke without facing me again.

  “For what it’s worth, Rafe, I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to deceive you. I did have your best interests at heart.”

  ***

  AFTER CATHRYN WENT upstairs, I stalked the room, pacing from one corner to the other. Joss sat quietly, her eyes never leaving me. I saw pain and sympathy, but she didn’t speak. And I was grateful.

  A few minutes passed, and then I felt Tasmyn moving. She was getting closer, and my heart pounded as I thought maybe—maybe—she had found out I was here, too, and she was coming down to find me. I almost went to the door, almost stood in the hallway shouting out her name like some lunatic.

  But no. She was leaving. I stood at the window by the curtain, and I watched her step outside into the sunshine. This time, I got a good look at her face. She’d cut her hair, just a little, and now it swept over her shoulders. She was wearing it partly pulled back, and as she turned toward the cars, she flicked it away from her face, tilting her head. I drank it in, as I realized this could be one of the last times I would ever see her. Our paths were not likely to cross again, at least not if Cathryn and Carruthers had anything to do with it.

  A few steps from the Mustang, Tasmyn stopped. She put one hand to her head in a gesture so familiar to me I almost lost it. That was her tell: she was hearing someone, or feeling something, an emotion that didn’t come from her. She turned to look back at the house, and I saw her forehead was wrinkled, her mouth tight. Questioning.

  Had she felt me here? Or even heard my thoughts? I wasn’t always so consistent about blocking them—I’d become lazy since we graduated and I didn’t have to worry about hiding what I was thinking from Tas—so it was possible. I willed her to turn back around, or even to spot me at the window.

  But when she began walking again, it was toward her car. And not, I reminded myself, her car. That was Michael’s car. Which only served to let me know how close they still were: she might be working for Carruthers, but she was going to school some place near by—Perriman College wasn’t far, I realized--driving Michael’s car, maybe even living with him.

  Tasmyn climbed into the driver’s seat, started the engine and pulled away without another hesitation. I watched until the car disappeared around the curve of the house, and then I leaned against the window.

  “Are you okay?” Joss was next to me, one arm around my waist. I closed my eyes, rocked my head back.

  “No, I don’t think so.” I blew out a long breath. “Joss, how much liquor do you have back at the house?”

  She dug her fingers deep into my shoulders, massaging the tensed muscles there. “Not enough. But don’t worry, I’ll get more.” She patted my back. “Go home now. Don’t stop. Just keep driving until you get there. I’ll be right behind with you supplies.”

  That night, I got drunker than I ever had in my entire life.

  I didn’t get lost driving home, thanks to the pre-programmed GPS. Ken had the car waiting for me when I stepped into the garage. I don’t know if Cathryn had called him or if he were just used to moody operatives, but he didn’t say a word as he held open the car door. And neither did I. I climbed in and spun out of there without a backwards glance.

  The townhouse was silent. I thought about changing and going for a run, but I didn’t want to freak out Joss if she came back and found me gone. And I couldn’t motivate myself to go, anyway. I wandered around, climbing the steps to Joss’s office and staring out the windows into the treetops. I glanced around at her desk and the few personal things on the bookshelves.

  By the time she pulled in, I was back downstairs on the deck. I’d found a six-pack of beer in the refrigerator and was finishing the third one, sitting in a chair with my feet up on the railing.

  Joss climbed out of the car and then leaned into the backseat and emerged carrying a box. I jumped up to meet her at the door.

  “When you say you’ll bring supplies, you don’t mess around.” I took the box and carried into the kitchen. “God, Joss. Did you clean the place out?”

  She lifted one shoulder. “I ran into Cathryn as I was leaving the manor. She gave me permission to use my company credit card to buy whatever we wanted for tonight. I think she’s feeling a little guilty.” Joss pulled out a bottle of rum. “So I took advantage. Her remorse is our gain.”

  I watched Joss pour a generous slug into highball glasses and add some Coke from the fridge. She handed one glass to me.

  “Here’s to life. It’s a fucking thrill-a-minute.”

  I clinked against her glass. “Cheers.” We drank, and I closed my eyes, feeling the warmth clear down to my toes. I drained the glass and slammed it down.

  “Hit me again.”

  Within two hours, we were well on our way to killing the rum. The pain was beginning to recede into a vague buzz.

  “You don’t know, Joss.” I was aware I was slurring, but I didn’t really care. “I mean, I loved her. I know everyone says you can’t fall in love when you’re eighteen, but I’m a fucking prodigy, I guess. Like you.” I raised my glass in salute, and Jocelyn giggled.

  She was lying on the sofa, her feet draped over the back of it. “Thanks, Rafe. I’m fucking progidy.” She tipped the rest of the liquor down her throat.

  “Not that I ever fucked her.” I stumbled to my feet and brought the bottle over to the sofa. “Nope. Hands-off, that was her policy. She said not even the sainted boyfriend got to touch the goods. But I bet she changed her tune. I bet they’re screwing like bunnies now, off at college, all independent.” I splashed the last bit of rum into Joss’s glass and then into my own.

  “Well, she missed out then.” Joss took a sip. “Because you’re fucking awesome in bed. I mean, like, wow. I thought you would be. It’s one of my gifts, you know that?” She twisted until she could my face. “I’m not lying. I can tel
l who’s a good lay just by looking at him. Or her. Isn’t that a cool talent?”

  I lifted one eyebrow. “You’re shitting me. You can’t do that.”

  “Can, too. But Carruthers won’t let me use it. Says it’s not a ‘viable ability’.” She made the air quotes and sighed. “But I bet I could make it viable. Make it work.”

  I drained my glass again in one swallow. It burned, and I shook my head. On the sofa, Jocelyn was leaning over, trying to put her glass on the coffee table. I stood up to help and lost my balance, landing almost on top of her.

  She smiled up at me, her eyes warm and inviting. “Hi.”

  I covered her hand with mine and set the glass on the table. “Hi, back.” I twined our fingers and brought our hands between our bodies. Her lips parted, and her tongue darted out, skimming along the edges of her mouth.

  “So you knew I was going to be good in bed the first time you saw me?” I whispered, feeling my arousal against the warmth between her thighs.

  “Yeah.” She was whispering, too. “And I was right. Only, you weren’t just good. You’re fucking amazing. Like, blow my mind fabulous.”

  I snickered. “You blew my mind, too. Among other things.”

  She slid her free hand down between us to stroke me, and I closed my eyes, hissing. “Do you want me to blow your mind again? And then blow mine right back?”

  She didn’t have to ask twice. I needed to forget the day, forget Tasmyn, make everything go away. I crushed my mouth against her, swallowing her moan and grinding my erection into the juncture of her legs. She lifted her hips, matching me motion for motion.

  I didn’t want to wait, didn’t want to stop and think. I only wanted to be inside her, pounding away the pain, the pent-up frustration, everything that had been building inside of me for the past few days.

  Her breasts were pushed against my chest, and I slid one hand into her shirt and under her bra. My fingers fastened on her nipple, and each moan went straight to the hardness that made me want her now. I moved between her legs, my rigid length rubbing against her sex. Even through our clothes, I thought I could feel her warmth. She wrapped her legs around my waist, trying to get even closer.

  “Rafe...” Joss gasped against my mouth. “Now. Not slow. Fast. Take me hard, make it fast. Save slow for later. Please.”

  I wasn’t going to make her ask twice. I reared back just enough to unbutton my jeans and tug down the zipper while she shimmied her own pants down. A tiny slip of red lace still covered her, and grinning into her eyes, I took hold of it and yanked. Joss shrieked, laughing and holding onto my shoulders as I settled back between her legs, nothing between us now.

  “Condom?” she asked as I nudged at her entrance.

  “Fuck. Upstairs.” I growled, trying to disentangle my legs from hers and wondering hazily if I could make it up the steps.

  “Drawer. Side table. There’s a box of them. Get it now.”

  I fumbled with the pull of the drawer, my fingers clumsy. I didn’t want to think about what it meant that she kept condoms in her living room.

  Joss pulled me back to her, taking the square of rubber from my hand. “Here, let me.” She rolled it over my length, and her touch was almost more than I could stand. When I was covered, she wrapped her arms around my back.

  “Please, Rafe. I can’t wait. Please.”

  I drove into her, groaning at her tightness. She was wet, hot and ready the minute I was deep inside. She rocked up to me, her breath catching and her mouth open as I stroked against the sensitive nerves within her tight sheath. Her hands roamed over my chest, around to my back as her eyes closed in pleasure. I felt the building tension, and she urged me faster. When she came, it was with a shuddering cry, her body pulsing around my cock. I gritted my teeth, wanting to give her more, take more, trying to make it last.

  Joss ran her fingers down my back and dug her fingers into my ass. She wriggled, rotating so that I could feel every spasm within her. I reached between us and found her slick and pulsing core with my finger. At my touch, she sucked in a breath.

  “Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!”

  Her second orgasm pushed me over the edge, and I shouted as I erupted, pumping into her over and over again.

  My head was still spinning when I collapsed, rolling to the side so that I didn’t crush her. Joss slid her arms around me.

  “See what I told you? I have a gift. And I’m never wrong.”

  I buried my face in her neck, inhaling the mix of oranges and cinnamon that was so uniquely Jocelyn’s scent.

  “God, Joss, I wasn’t going to do this again. I don’t do this. I don’t sleep with a girl more than once. But you...” I lifted her hair, rubbed the curls against my cheek. “Four times now. I can’t help it. You’re under my skin. I see you, and I want you.”

  “Rafe, you’re drunk.” She turned her head, found my neck and kissed along the side, her tongue darting out to lick. “I’m drunk. You had a horrible day.” She pulled my mouth up to hers and kissed me, soft and full of promise. Or maybe it was promise fulfilled.

  “Yeah, you’re right, but I know what I’m saying.” I coaxed her mouth open, traced the inside of her lips with my tongue.

  “I’m not saying you don’t. Just don’t make any declarations of love, okay?” She slipped her hands under my shirt, ran her hands over my stomach, up my chest. “We have a good time. We’re friends. That’s all I need.” She reached out one arm and snagged her glass. “Well, that, and maybe another drink before we move this party upstairs.”

  I propped myself up on my arm, gazing down her. “Are we moving upstairs?”

  “Yes, we are. Cathryn said we shouldn’t come back to the manor until Thursday. She wanted you to have a few days to recover...and I guess Tasmyn is at the manor on Wednesdays. So...” She emptied her glass and pressed her body into me again. “We have all the time in the world.”

  ***

  MY HANGOVER WAS almost gone by the time we returned to work on Thursday, but my anger was still smoldering. The days off were a blur of drunkenness and sex, but when I began to come around, I realized nothing had been solved. Except that I was maybe a little closer to getting over Tasmyn. A little closer to the acceptance everyone seemed to think was so essential to healing.

  Joss, to my eternal gratitude, didn’t push me to talk about anything. She cooked for me, she found hilarious movies for us to watch on television, and she shared my bed.

  “Do you think I’m a fool, Joss?” I asked her the question on Thursday morning as we ate breakfast before work. “Am I an idiot because I think I fell in love with a girl who never really wanted me?”

  Joss set down her coffee cup and regarded me without speaking for a minute. When she answered, it was with measured words.

  “I think that it doesn’t matter whether or not you were really in love with her. You feel like you were. And maybe you were, or are. But it might be the kind of love that isn’t meant to stick. My friend Delia, the one who died of cancer, told me that some love is for a season. She said sometimes the worst thing we can do, for ourselves and for the other person, is try to hold onto something that isn’t meant to last. She told me it was like trying to keep a snowflake in my hand. I could appreciate the beauty of it, but if I gripped it, insisted on keeping it, it would disappear.”

  I looked out the window over Joss’s shoulder. “She sounds like a smart lady.”

  “She was. I’m not saying realizing this makes it easier, but maybe it gives us the ability to walk away when it’s time. You know what I mean?”

  “I think so. But you’re right. Doesn’t make it hurt less.”

  “Nah. But that’s what friends, whiskey and hot sex are for. Won’t make the pain go away, but it does take your mind off things, right?”

  I draped an arm around her shoulders. “Is that going to be us? Just together for a season?”

  Joss smiled, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I don’t know, Rafe. And neither do you. So let’s just enjoy it while we can
.”

  With that in mind, I drove to Harper Creek on autopilot, wondering what new fun Cathryn and Zoe had cooked up for me today. My stomach rolled over when Cathryn met me at the door of the manor.

  “Before you say a word, Rafe, I want to apologize again for what happened on Monday. It wasn’t my intention to mislead you. I was just waiting for the right time.”

  I ground my teeth together and took a deep breath before I answered. “For someone who wants me to trust her and her company, you haven’t made a great start, Cathryn. Joss is the only thing keeping me here right now.”

  She nodded. “I understand. Let’s put this behind us and work together. We want the best for you. I promise.”

  I muttered under my breath about the value of her promises, but I followed her upstairs.

  “Your training will continue today. We’ll try to make up for the interruption so that we can still have you in the field on schedule. I emailed you a copy of our proposed timeline. You’ll see Zoe on Mondays, as planned, but then we’ll only have you at the manor on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On the days you’re not reporting here in person, we’ll expect you to continue training and paperwork at home.”

  “Paperwork? There’s more of that?”

  Cathryn ignored the whine in my voice as she answered. “We have documentation like any business, and you’ll have to learn how to do it, how to access resources on our website and how to use our encrypted email program. Jocelyn can help you with all of that, of course.”

  “Hmm.” We went down the hallway and into a new conference room, this one smaller than the one I’d seen before. A girl I hadn’t met yet stood at the window, looking out. She turned as we came in.

  “Emma, this is Rafe. Rafe, Emma has worked with us for a few years. She’s a broadcaster and an influencer, so we thought you might want to meet, maybe talk about any questions you have on how Carruthers puts your unique gifts to work.”

  Emma smiled, but her eyes were appraising as she looked me up and down. “Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a little about you from Zoe and Joss.”