Secrets and Sacrifice: A Christian Romance (The Shadows Series Book 4)

by Juliette Duncan

  Grace nodded. She couldn't speak.

  Lizzy took her hand and squeezed it. "Dear God, You know what's in Grace's heart. You know the hurt that's in her life, the despair she's feeling. Lord, I ask that You gently draw her to Yourself. Wrap her in Your love, and give her freedom from the burdens that are weighing her down. Let her know it's between You and her, and no one else. Touch her in her deepest parts, dear Lord, heal her, make her whole. She's your precious daughter and You love her so much. Let her know that You love her in a truly personal way, dear Lord. Open her heart and mind to You. Thank You for her life, and for the care she's taken of Brianna. So many hurts from the past, dear Lord, but we know that the cross of Jesus provides freedom, no matter what's in the past, the cross of Jesus is enough. Lord, please bless us as we study Your Word, open Grace's eyes to the truth of the gospel message. In Jesus' precious name, Amen."

  Grace drew a steadying breath, and opening her eyes, squeezed Lizzy's hand. She gulped and let her breath out as she dabbed her eyes. "Thank you, Lizzy. I needed that."

  "You're welcome, Grace. God's going to do a mighty work in your life, I just know it." Warmth flowed from Lizzy's eyes as she gave Grace a hug.

  "We'll see about that." Grace let out a small chuckle.

  "Do you want to start now? We've got time before Danny gets back."

  Grace shrugged. "I guess so."

  Lizzy stood and pulled a Bible from the bookshelf behind the couch and handed it to Grace, and then picked up her own Bible from the lamp table beside her as she sat back down. "Guess you've never opened one of these before?" Lizzy's brow lifted as she leaned forward, an amused but friendly grin on her face.

  Grace shook her head. "Never."

  "Okay, John was one of Jesus's disciples, and he gives a first-hand, eye-witness account of Jesus's life. He wrote it so that people might believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing they might have life, so it's a great place to start. It's the fourth book of the New Testament, about two-thirds of the way through… "

  Grace opened the Bible and flicked through until she found it.

  "That's it. Shall I start reading?"

  Grace shrugged again. "Okay."

  "Stop me whenever you want." Lizzy smiled before lowering her eyes to the book on her lap. "John Chapter 1… 'In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.'"

  As Lizzy continued reading, Grace interrupted occasionally and asked a few questions, but she was mainly happy just to listen. Somehow the words soothed her spirit, and the questions could wait. Grace had never heard such words before, and she was hungry to keep reading, but the programme finished on the television too soon and James and Clare wanted her to play.

  "We can pick up again later, Lizzy, besides, I'm going to need time to digest all of this." Grace chuckled as Clare tried to drag her off the couch.

  "Okay, to be continued." Lizzy smiled warmly as she stood and gave her a hug.

  Chapter 23

  For the rest of the afternoon and evening, Grace devoured not only the gospel of John, but dug into the Apologetic books Lizzy had given her. She was used to reading fast, and always read with an analytical mind. She approached the Bible and these books no differently, but there was something different about the Bible—when she read it, her heart quickened, as if it wasn't just words she was reading. Lizzy told her it was because the words came from God, and that God was speaking into her heart. Grace was starting to believe that Lizzy was right.

  Grace telephoned Niall on Monday morning and told him she wouldn't be coming back for the appeal. The disappointment in his voice ripped her heart apart, but she couldn't give him what he wanted. She also called the Prosecutor's Office and told her boss she didn't know when she'd be returning.

  Lizzy set aside as much time as she could to spend with Grace, but on Tuesday, Lizzy suggested Grace attend Daniel's evening class.

  "I'm not sure I'd fit in, Lizzy. Are you sure it'd be all right?"

  "Absolutely. Daniel's a great teacher, and it'll be good for you to be amongst others who are also seeking. Besides, I'm sure Brianna would be excited to have you there."

  "I'll think about it." Grace closed her Bible and drained the remains of her cup of tea.

  "Do that, Grace. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. But now, I've got a trip to town. Would you like to come?"

  "I'll pass, if you don't mind. I think I'll take a walk."

  "No problem, Grace. Enjoy your day." Bending down, Lizzy gave her a hug and then left.

  The day was warm by Scottish standards, and Grace was eager to get out amongst the hills and have time to think by herself. There was something magical about the wide open spaces, so different from the hustle and bustle of downtown Belfast with its heavy traffic and constant noise. Out here amongst the hills of heather, the only sounds came from the occasional bleat of a sheep and the squawk of red kites as they soared in the air.

  Sitting on a rock above Loch Linnhe, Grace breathed in the clean, fresh air and tried to settle her heart and mind. As she gazed out at the hills in the distance, one of the verses she and Lizzy had studied that same morning came to mind. John chapter 5, verse 24: "I tell you the truth, whoever hears my words and believes Him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has passed over from death to life." She drew a breath and shook her head. God, I find that really hard to believe. How could you not condemn me for murder? The old battle surfaced, and tears streamed down her cheeks. All those people, blown to shreds. God, I don't deserve your love and forgiveness. Drawing her knees up under her chin, she wrapped her arms around them and rocked back and forth and began to sob. The sobbing increased the more she remembered. All those people. God… I'm so sorry… Gut wrenching sobs that had been building for so long rose from deep inside her. I didn't mean to kill them. You know that… She rolled onto the grass, curling into the fetal position as tears spilled down her cheeks. Deep, guttural weeping rose from her innermost being until she could cry no more, but neither could she move. Maybe she should stay here and let the buzzards fight over her body—that was all she was good for.

  Ryan was out for his afternoon walk when he saw someone lying on the grass up on the hill above the loch. If it hadn't been for the deep agonising wailing coming from that direction, he would have missed seeing the person altogether, but he immediately hurried up the hill in case the person was in trouble.

  As he approached, he gasped. It was Grace! He bent down on one knee and brushed the hair off her face. "Grace, what are you doing here?"

  Her face was damp, and when she opened her eyes, pain and anguish filled them. His heart ached for her. Lord God, please bless dear Grace. Whatever's going on with her, help her to give it to You, dear Lord. "Grace, can you hear me?" Sitting down beside her, he stroked her hair. Her body shuddered with deep, heart-wrenching sobs.

  She lifted her head slowly and looked into his eyes. "God will never forgive me for what I've done." Her voice was raspy and weak, and her head flopped back onto the ground.

  "That's not true. It doesn't matter what you've done, nothing's too big for God to forgive."

  She shook her head and began weeping again.

  Ryan looked at her shaking body. God was working on her, that was for sure, but what had she done that was so bad? Lord God, please give me words that will reach her heart. He continued stroking her hair. "I thought that once, too, Grace, but God's offer of forgiveness covers all sin, no matter how big or small. Can I tell you my story?" He swallowed hard. Very few people knew the full details of his past, but he wanted to tell Grace. In the short time he'd known her, something had been happening inside him, and he wondered if this might be the beginning of something special. If he wanted her to trust him, he had to start by trus
ting her.

  Grace sniffed and nodded weakly.

  He sucked in a breath. This wasn't going to be easy… "I didn't leave the army by choice."

  Grace's head jolted up. "What do you mean?"

  He blew out his breath. "It all started when I was sent to Aden. Do you know where that is?"

  She nodded.

  "It was 1964, and I was in my second tour of duty. I'd never wanted to join the army, but it was expected of me. My family has a military background, and my father encouraged me to join as an Officer. I joined when I was eighteen, straight from school. Aden was like something I'd never seen before… hot, dry, and full of families living in the most basic of houses, if you could call them that. I would have much preferred to have been sent there as an aid worker, not as a combat soldier, but I did what everyone else did, and put on a stiff upper lip, and did my job. Whenever I was faced with a kill or be killed situation, I never looked the person in the eye before I pulled the trigger. I could never come to terms with taking someone's life, but it was him or me, so I had no choice.

  "My family was proud of me. I was promoted, and offered a position in the Special Services, but I was living someone else's life, not mine. I kept it hidden. My father, in particular, would have been devastated if he knew how I felt.

  "When I was sent to the Falklands in '82, I snapped. I'd kept everything bottled up all those years, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I had a breakdown, and was sent to hospital. It was the most humiliating time of my life. I'd let myself down, my family down, my country down." He squeezed his eyes shut and shuddered. "I was medically discharged. Pensioned out, as my father calls it."

  Grace straightened and touched his wrist. She'd stopped crying, but her eyes were etched with red. "I'm so sorry, Ryan. That must have been awful."

  Ryan shrugged. "Yeah, it was at the time, but I got to talking to the chaplain while I was in Rehab. A guy by the name of Rob." He smiled and gazed out at the mountains. "Rob was a cool dude. He talked to me about God, and how He could help me to forgive myself. I felt like I was a failure, and I felt guilty about all the people I'd killed, even though I was just doing my job. That guilt weighed me down for so many years. Over several months, Rob helped me put the pieces of my life together, and I was finally able to forgive myself when I asked God into my life.

  "Rob explained to me about Jesus dying on the cross for my sins, and that if I believed, and asked Him into my life, He'd forgive all my sins, and would give me a new heart and a new mind, and free me from all that guilt." Smiling, Ryan looked down at Grace. "So I did. I can't explain what happened, but it was like a load was lifted from me, and in that moment I was finally free from the guilt and despair that had been with me for years. My recovery after that was quick. I was discharged from Rehab within three weeks, and went home to my family a changed person. My father still doesn't understand, but I don't judge him for that." He paused, and looking into her eyes, brushed tears from her face.

  "You can trust Him, Grace. He promises to forgive all sins, even the big ones, because in His eyes, they're all the same. No sin is any different or worse to God. We're all sinners in need of His saving grace. He sees what's in our hearts. If we truly believe in Him, and we're truly sorry for our sins and ask Him for forgiveness, He wipes our slates clean and gives us brand new beginnings." Ryan paused again and looked deeply into her eyes. He prayed her heart would be open to God's cleansing love. "Will you do that, Grace? Will you take Him at His word and give your heart to Him?"

  Tears gathered in the corners of her eyes and one by one rolled down her cheeks as she nodded. "Yes." Her voice was soft and barely audible. She straightened further, and shuffled to sit beside him. "Yes, I will, Ryan." Her voice grew in strength and conviction.

  "That's wonderful, Grace, you won't regret it." His whole face spread into a smile as he took her hand. "Just say this prayer after me, okay?"

  Grace nodded her head as Ryan bowed his head and began the prayer. "Dear Lord, I know I'm a sinner, but I also believe that You sent Your Son, Jesus Christ to this earth for one purpose, to die a sinless death on the cross to bridge the gap between God and man."

  Grace repeated Ryan's words in a quiet but sincere voice. It was like someone else praying, but she knew it was her, and something was happening deep inside her.

  "Lord God, I repent of my sin, and ask You to forgive me for all my sins." Her voice caught in her throat as tears trickled down her cheek. "I want to take Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, and to live with You as my Lord and King." She took a slow breath. "Please fill me with your Holy Spirit, and give me a new heart and a new mind. Thank you, Lord Jesus. Please help me to live my life in a way that will bring honour and glory to You. Amen."

  Ryan pulled her close as tears streamed down her face. "You're now a child of God, Grace, forgiven, clean, and perfect in God's sight. He's living in your heart, now, and you don't need to carry that burden anymore." He released her and peered into her eyes. "How do you feel?"

  Grace sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. How did she feel? Lighter? Certainly different. It was like a load had been lifted from her… something inexplicable had happened, something she'd never expected. She wiped her face and returned Ryan's smile. "I feel strange… different. It's like you said, I don't know how to explain it." But it was true. God had taken the load of guilt off her, and she was cleansed and new. "I need to tell Lizzy and Danny. They'll be so excited."

  Ryan smiled at her as he gently took her hand in his, his gaze holding firm. "Brianna will be excited, too."

  "Yes, of course." Grace made no effort to retrieve her hand. Her heart pounded. Was it wrong to hope he'd kiss her moments after she'd given her heart to the Lord?

  "Grace, I've been waiting for this moment since the day you arrived. I can't tell you how happy I am that you've given your life to Jesus. It's just the beginning of a whole new life for you. God has great things in store for you." As he paused, he rubbed his thumb gently along the top of her hand. "We've only known each other for a short time, but there's a connection between us. Do you feel it too?"

  Swallowing hard, Grace nodded. She didn't trust herself to speak.

  "If you're willing, I'd love to get to know you better, and see where God might lead us." His eyes were sincere and gentle, just like his voice.

  Was she hearing right? Ryan wanted to get to know her better? This strong, handsome man she thought she'd like to have a quick fling with, wanted to get to know her? To spend time with her? She gulped. That was all very well, as long as he didn't expect her to give up her secret. God may have forgiven her, but what would Ryan do if he found out what she'd done? He might understand she hadn't meant to do it, but he was a soldier, and she'd been in one of the radical groups they were fighting against. In fact, he might even have been there that day the bomb went off. She gulped, and then she remembered… God had forgiven her, and she had no need to think about it ever again.

  A smile trembled over her lips. "I think I'd like that."

  He squeezed her hand and gave her a smile that sent her heart racing. If only he'd kiss her…

  Chapter 24

  Neither Grace nor Ryan were in a hurry to return that afternoon. For Grace, it was a magical time of new beginnings, and for the first time ever, she felt blissfully happy and fully alive. The colours in the sky and the hills and the loch seemed so much brighter, the air so much fresher. She was wrapped in a silken cocoon of euphoria as she clung to Ryan's warm, strong hand.

  Several times they stopped, and just sat and talked. One time, as they sat beside a bubbling brook, Grace asked him more about his family, about where he'd grown up, and what had brought him here to the highlands. He told her his family lived in the south of England, but they had Scottish heritage, which is what had drawn him to this place.

  Grace angled her head to study his profile as she twiddled a piece of heather between her fingers.

  "After Rehab, I was ready for a new life, and to be honest, I've never had any regrets
about being here. I get to help people who are struggling just like I was, and I get to go hiking, abseiling and rock climbing as much as I want. I love these highlands." He smiled at her as he chuckled. "I think they're in my blood. I should have been born here, not in southern England."

  "It is lovely countryside, and there's so much history."

  "You're not wrong. I'll have to take you exploring."

  "I'd like that."

  She dreaded him asking about her childhood. He didn't… instead he asked why she'd become a lawyer, but that was almost as difficult to answer without giving away hers and Brianna's secrets.

  She leaned forward and hugged her knees, her thoughts filtering back to those days when she and Brianna survived on next to nothing, just so she could get through her course and become a lawyer. Why had she done it? Why had she put herself through such stress and pressure? Grace knew the answer, but could she tell Ryan? She drew a breath. He'd entrusted her with things from his past he'd probably rather not have shared, so she probably should share a little… just a little...

  "Things happened to Bibi and me when we were staying at our aunt's and uncle's place in Londonderry after Mam died." She lifted her head and stared at the water gurgling down the brook's narrow path. "It wasn't good. I can't really say what happened unless Bibi has already told you…"

  Ryan put out his hand and touched Grace's arm. "I know part of it, Grace. She opened up last night at her inner healing session."

  Grace's eyes widened. "Did she tell you she'd been..." she couldn't say it…

  Ryan angled his head. "Raped?"

  Grace nodded.

  "Yes, she did." His eyes were as soft as a doe's.

  "Did she tell you who did it?"

  Ryan shook his head. "No, but she said she had a baby who died."

  Tears pricked Grace's eyes and she lowered them. It was one thing talking about it with Bibi, but totally different talking about it with Ryan…