Secrets and Sacrifice: A Christian Romance (The Shadows Series Book 4)

by Juliette Duncan

  He paused and took a deep, slow breath. "The more we love God with all our hearts, souls and minds, the more we'll love our neighbours, even the unlovely ones, like Jesus commands us to. Love is laying down your life for your friend, like Jesus did for us when He died on the cross." He let out a small chuckle. "We're not expected to do that literally, but by putting other's needs before our own, we're effectively laying down our lives for them. We become focused on the well-being of others instead of concentrating on our own. God blesses those who care for others, who treat others with kindness and compassion, who go out of their way to make sure they have food, shelter and feel loved and wanted."

  A genuine smile grew on his face. "This journey we're on is an exciting one. There's so much hate in the world because people have turned their backs on God. They don't know Him, and they don't love Him, and therefore they don't love with His love. As His people, let's commit to loving God with all our hearts, all our souls, and all our minds, and to treating each other how we'd like to be treated ourselves. Let's be kind to each other, and let's find ways to bless each other… maybe we can do something nice for someone without letting them know who did it, and we can speak nicely with each other, respecting each other, uplifting not tearing apart. The more we can practice that here, surrounded by friends, the easier it'll be to do out there amongst people we don't know."

  Pausing, his gaze travelled around the room. No one made a noise. "I hope this has given you some idea of what it means to be a follower of Jesus. There aren't any rules or regulations apart from loving God and each other, but if we truly want to follow Him, we need to follow His example, and do it gladly." He smiled. "Let's pray." Raising his hand, he closed his eyes and bowed his head. "Lord God, help each of us to love You with everything we have, and to love both our neighbours and our enemies alike, just as you commanded. This doesn't come easily, as most of us have been bruised and battered by this world, but we come to You, the author and finisher of our faith, and we ask You to help us to love like You do. In Jesus' precious name, Amen."

  Grace brushed tears from her eyes as Ryan reached for her hand. Where had Danny learned to speak like that? Amazing. But it wasn't only how he said it, it was what he said. After having such a challenging childhood and youth, to be able to talk about loving your enemies like he had was almost too much. It could only be God working in his life, and now she had God in her life too. Although she was excited about what He was going to do in her, she wasn't ready to love Aunt Hilda or those cousins yet, but maybe, in time… who knew?

  At supper a short while later, Grace sat down with Brianna and had the best talk they'd ever had. Brianna had a clear head, and Grace had a soft heart. Brianna apologized for all the trouble she'd caused Grace and Caleb over the years, and Grace apologized for being so impatient with her. They hugged and cried, and then hugged and cried some more. Danny joined them after a while, and for the first time ever, the three of them talked about Mam and remembered just how much she'd loved them all and how much she'd given up for them.

  Ryan joined them, placing his hand lightly on Grace's shoulder.

  Brianna's eyes widened, her gaze travelling between the two of them. Finally, she fixed her gaze on Grace, angling her head and asking the question with her eyes.

  Nodding, Grace let out a small chuckle as she lifted her face and smiled into Ryan's eyes that were caressing her with softness, sending a gentle stream of warmth through her body.

  Shortly after, Ryan walked Grace back to the cottage. Darkness had set in, but the moon was trying its best to peek through the wispy clouds overhead, causing the surface of the loch to shimmer whenever it came out. His fingers were laced through hers, and his hand felt strong and firm. Gravel from the path crunched underfoot, and in the distance, a curlew called.

  When they reached the cottage, Ryan turned Grace to face him and rubbed his hands on her upper arms as he gazed into her eyes. "I have to work tomorrow, but I have the following day off. I'd love to spend it with you, Grace. We could take a drive and see where we end up." He raised a brow, his grin irresistibly devastating. "Deal?"

  She broke into a smile and laughed. "Deal." She couldn't think of any better way of spending a day.

  His blue eyes twinkled before his expression sobered. She held her breath. Would he kiss her again? His nearness made her senses spin and her heart lurched madly. She was tempted to reach up and pull his face towards hers, but something held her back. Whilst she longed for his kiss, she'd allow him to take the lead, and she'd be patient. Even if it killed her.

  He brushed the hair from her neck as he gazed into her eyes. Her body tingled at the touch of his hand.

  He smiled into her eyes. "I'll look forward to it." He lowered his face slowly and pressed his lips against hers before gently covering her mouth in a slow, tender kiss. She longed for more, but she would not spoil this.

  When he pulled away, he gazed into her eyes before kissing her forehead and turning away.

  Grace snuck into her room, flopped on her bed and closed her eyes, lifting her finger to her lips, still tingling from the sweetness of Ryan's kiss. She sighed contentedly before sitting up and bowing her head. Lord God, thank you for bringing me into Your family. I don't deserve Your love and forgiveness, but I'm extremely grateful for it. Help me to be all that You want me to be. And thank You for Ryan. Help me not to mess it up. Amen.

  That night, Grace fell asleep with Ryan on her mind and warmth filling her heart.

  Chapter 26

  The next morning, Grace rose early to telephone Niall before he left for court. She hesitated as she picked up the phone. Would it be fair to call him on the morning of the appeal? Even though he wouldn't win, he'd need a clear head, and it wouldn't be right to upset him. No, she'd wait until later in the day.

  She put the phone down and climbed back into bed, plumping her pillows so she could lean against them, and picked up her Bible. She flicked it open, but so many thoughts flitted through her head it was hard to focus. She should be in court today—O'Malley was her case. He was unlikely to win his appeal… he was as guilty as they came, but what if he did? Niall wouldn't have encouraged the appeal without some new evidence.

  And then there was Ryan. A sense of anticipation flowed through her. She still had to pinch herself... but where would it lead? It was still early days, but would she marry him if he asked? She'd turned Niall down, but that was because marrying him could have jeopardised his career if her past was ever discovered, but could she, in all honesty, marry Ryan without telling him what she'd done? Could she even encourage their relationship without telling him? Would it be fair on him not to? But what if she did, and he decided to end it before it really began? Already she was lost in his charisma, good looks, and strength of character. A tumble of confused thoughts and feelings assailed her.

  She let out a heavy sigh and closed her Bible. God, what should I do? I have no idea what's ahead… but I guess You do. You're the only one I can talk to about this, so please show me what I should do. I don't think I've told you this, but I'm really sorry for what I did. I feel so bad for all the people I killed, and all their families. Her throat thickened as tears stung her eyes. Lord, I didn't mean to kill them, You know that. Her breathing grew heavier as she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to rid her head of the images bombarding her mind. Images she'd been trying to erase for so long without success.

  Curling into a ball, she sobbed herself to sleep.

  Sometime later, Grace woke to soft knocking on the door. She glanced at the clock. Her eyes sprung open. Midday… how did that happen?

  "Grace, are you okay?" Lizzy sounded slightly worried.

  Grace sat up and pushed her hair back off her face. "Yes… sorry, I slept in. I'll be out in a minute."

  "No problem. Just checking to make sure you were all right."

  Grace smiled. It was nice having someone care. "Thanks. I'll be out soon." She slipped out of bed and opened the curtains. No wonder she'd slept. Rain tumbled down and
a thick mist hung over the loch, giving it a kind of ethereal look. Ben Nevis was invisible. A great day to curl up with a good book. Or to sleep.

  She dragged herself out of bed and stepped into the shower, turning the heat up slowly until the water was hot on her skin. She stood there for a few moments longer than she should, but it felt so nice. She still had no answer as to what she should do, but the hot water flowing over her body helped calm her thoughts. God would show her. Wasn't that a perk of being one of His children?

  Shortly after, Grace entered the kitchen where Lizzy was preparing a lunch of toasted sandwiches for the children. They all looked up with eager faces, each wanting her to sit beside them.

  Grace laughed. "I think it's James's turn."

  Clare and Dillon both let out a wail.

  "Clare, Dillon, stop it." Lizzy turned around and glared at them. "Auntie Grace might decide to go home if you keep that up."

  The two children quietened momentarily as Grace took her seat beside James, opposite Clare and Dillon.

  "Where's your home, Auntie Grace?" Dillon asked in his cute little voice.

  "You know where Auntie Grace lives, Dillon."

  "No I don't." He flashed Lizzy an annoyed look.

  Grace chuckled. "I live in Ireland, where your daddy comes from."

  "Is that why you speak funny?"

  Grace laughed again. "I guess so."

  "Dillon!"

  Grace smiled at Lizzy. "It's okay, Liz. I don't mind."

  "Okay…" Lizzy glared at him again as she placed a plate of steaming sandwiches in the middle of the table and took her seat at the end. "Dillon, it's your turn to give thanks."

  "Okay." He held out his hands and took Lizzy's and Clare's before bowing his head.

  "Thank you for the world so sweet,

  Thank you for the food we eat,

  Thank you for the birds that sing,

  Thank you God for everything."

  "Amen", everyone said in unison. Grace let go of James's and Lizzy's hands, and sat back in her chair and smiled. The children were so sweet.

  Lizzy began handing out sandwiches, and the children began chattering, even Clare.

  Lunch passed, and the children went into the living room to play before taking a nap. Lizzy made a pot of tea and returned to the table where Grace was still sitting.

  Folding her arms, Grace angled her head. "Liz, how does God talk to you?"

  Lizzy's brows lifted as she took her seat. "Interesting question, Grace. What makes you ask?"

  "Oh… I've just asked Him something, and I'm wondering how He'll answer."

  Lizzy leaned forward, her eyes bright. "Is it about Ryan?"

  Grace chuckled. "Not directly. But I'd rather not say… I just want to know how He'll answer, that's all."

  "All right..." Lizzy poured two mugs of tea and handed one to Grace. "You probably won't hear a physical voice, rather, it'll most likely be a quiet assurance that one answer is right and the other, wrong."

  "Kind of like your conscience?"

  "Kind of, except that you'll hear God better the more You know Him, and come to understand His ways. Answers will often come when you're reading His word, so spending time studying the Bible is a great way to learn to hear His voice. When you spend time with Him, don't just talk with Him about what you want or need. Be still before Him and listen."

  Lizzy paused and sipped her tea. "I hope this is helping."

  "Yes, it is. Thanks." Grace smiled at her as she replaced her mug on the table.

  "Also, He'll never want you to do anything that goes against His principles, so often, all we need do is ask ourselves what Jesus would do in a particular situation, and we have the answer, because if we're honest, we probably know what He'd do."

  Lizzy leaned back in her seat. "Other times it might not be as clear cut as that, but basically, if we pray for His guidance, and if our hearts and minds are committed to doing what He wants us to do, we then just have to make the best decision possible, and trust that that's His answer. Often our own needs and desires get in the way, and we don't see things from God's perspective, and we end up making wrong decisions. God is just, and He's kind. He wants the best for people, so if we use that as a guide, chances are we'll do the right thing. Sometimes you might get a real sense that He's leading you, and other times you just have to trust that your faith and understanding of what He wants will ensure you make the right decision." Lizzy paused. "Does all this make sense?"

  Grace let out a sigh. It wasn't as easy and simple as she'd hoped. If only God would give her a straight answer. "Yes, it does. I guess I was just hoping He'd just tell me."

  Lizzy chuckled. "Don't we all! Is it something we can pray about, Grace?"

  Grace swallowed hard. This was getting a little too close for comfort. "Not really... I think it's something I have to work through on my own."

  "Okay, but if you want to chat about it or pray about it together, let me know."

  "Thanks, Liz." Grace sipped her tea, her hands wrapped around the mug as she gazed out the window at the mist. This thing was going to haunt her all her life. God may have forgiven her, but would Ryan ever forgive her if he found out after it was too late, presuming their relationship developed? Maybe Lizzy was right and she already knew what she had to do. Jesus would never have kept such a huge secret from someone He loved—not that she loved Ryan yet, but she might come to love him soon. He deserved honesty, even if that jeopardized their relationship and she might end up in jail. She felt ill in her stomach. "I think I need some time alone, Liz." Grace pushed her chair back and stood.

  "No problem. I'll be praying for you, Grace." Lizzy rubbed Grace's arm and then hugged her. "Whatever's troubling you, God will help you through it. Okay?"

  "Okay. And thank you." Grace gave Lizzy a grateful smile and then left the kitchen, sneaking past the living room to avoid attracting the children's attention. As much as she loved them, she needed to sort this thing out.

  Back in her room, Grace opened her Bible randomly at the book of Ephesians and began reading from the beginning. Sometime later, when she reached Chapter 4, verse 25, her eyes popped. "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body." Her heart thumped, but she knew… the answer was clear. She had no choice. She had to tell Ryan.

  For the remainder of the afternoon, Grace read the Bible and prayed. Her senses were heightened, because for more than fifteen years, she'd vowed she'd tell no one what she'd done. She'd even chosen not to report Brianna's rape so she wouldn't be found out, and sacrificed marriage with Niall because of it. And now she was potentially sacrificing a relationship with Ryan. But she had to. She had no choice. God had spoken. No more secrets. She had to speak truthfully with Ryan before they got serious. She gulped. While he had time to back out…

  Ryan would have to report her. If he was the honest Christian he professed to be, he'd have no choice. She suppressed the urge to vomit as her stomach heaved at the prospect of being charged with murder. Grace O'Connor, Barrister, Prosecutor, murderer. Why had she thought she'd get away with it? Even after all these years, she constantly expected a knock on her door, but it had never come, and now here she was, about to give herself up. Maybe she could ask Niall to represent her. Then he'd know the reason she'd turned him down. Niall! She'd planned on calling him…. she couldn't do it now. Tomorrow…

  She fell to her knees. "God, I feel so sick. I know this is the right thing to do, but why is doing the right thing so hard? Please help me to tell Ryan tomorrow about what I've done. I know he'll understand how I'm feeling, but he won't understand why I did it. Give me strength to face the consequences of my actions, even if that means going to prison. God, steady my heart, and help me do what's right in Your eyes. Amen."

  If she had any cigarettes left, she would have smoked one, but as she hadn't bought any since arriving, that wasn't an option. Instead, she told Lizzy she was going for a walk, put on a rain jacket and wellies,
and stepped outside. What did it matter if she got wet? She had to do something to get her mind off what was about to happen.

  The ground was muddy, sodden and slippery as she made her way along the track beside the loch. The rain was a grey blanket around her, but at least she could see the foothills of Ben Nevis, and the sheep still grazing as if the rain didn't matter.

  Even though she knew what she was about to do was right, a heaviness hung in her heart. Maybe this was how Jesus felt when He knew His time on earth was coming to an end, not that she could compare herself to Jesus, but at least He would know how she was feeling. But He hadn't done anything wrong. She had, and she deserved her punishment.

  She walked for more than an hour. When she came to a fast flowing burn, she stopped—it would be folly to try to cross it. But then, maybe dying out here would be better than going to prison. She sucked in a breath. Where did that thought come from? She sunk to her knees and sobbed. I'm sorry, God. I didn't mean that.

  She half expected Ryan to come along like he had yesterday. Had it only been a day since he'd led her to the Lord? It seemed much longer. He didn't come. She pulled herself back up and retraced her steps. The words from one of the songs they'd sung at church on Sunday played through her mind… "What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear, what a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer." She sang the words out loud as she stepped over rocks and logs, and tried to stay upright on the slippery grass. The words began to cheer her, and she prayed about the conversation she'd have tomorrow with Ryan, and decided to leave the outcome with God.

  That night she didn't need to put on a happy face. She had confidence that God would sustain and bless her because she was doing what He wanted, even if it might mean losing Ryan and going to prison.

  Chapter 27

  Despite having peace in her heart, Grace had trouble sleeping, so sometime during the night she rose and wrote Niall a letter. She owed him that much at least. When she confessed to the Police, as no doubt she'd be doing in the next few days, she'd make sure he got it then. At least then he'd know why she hadn't agreed to marry him. She also read more of her Bible, clinging to the comfort it provided that God would uphold and bless those who did right in the sight of the Lord.