by Tess Oliver
“How long before you have to fly back? Are you missing classes?” I asked.
Kenna leaned back on her hands. “Wow, those few shots of whiskey make it feel as if my head is filled with helium and my legs with lead. I just finished a trimester. I didn’t sign up for summer session because I really needed a break . . . from everything.” She turned her face up to the sun and closed her eyes. “I think I might just revert back to my childhood and stay in Mayfair for awhile. My mom needs my help with the candy store. Oh, but I haven’t told her yet so mums the word.” She sat up and swayed forward a little farther than expected. My arm shot out to keep her from pitching forward.
She stared down at my arm and smiled weakly. “You’re pretty fast with that soccer mom mini-van move. Jeez, I’m a lightweight.” Her soft laugh was a sound I hadn’t heard in a long time. It was as awesome as always.
She tucked her hair behind her ear. “I remember when Grady and I went to our first big shot high school party. I sipped this syrupy fruit punch all night, completely oblivious that it had been laced with rum. A lot of rum.” She pressed her arm against her stomach. “Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. Which, I did. Throw up, that is. On Grady’s new running shoes.”
I smiled. “The gray ones? I remember that. He had saved all his lawn mowing money up for months. The house was shaking with the sound of those damn things spinning in the washing machine. He must have washed them ten times to get the red stains out.”
Kenna hid her pink cheeks in her hands. “It was so embarrassing, and I felt so bad.”
“Then you used the money you’d been saving from babysitting to buy him a new pair. I think he liked those even better just because they came from you. He considered himself the lucky one, Kenna. We were both lucky to have you around.”
She grew quiet and stared down at the ground. Her thin shoulders shook with sobs. It was like being on a roller coaster. You could breathe and talk and even smile for a second and then the weight of it took you back to tears and sadness.
I dropped my arm around her shoulders, and she leaned her head against me. “There’s no way he should be gone already,” she said shakily. “The whole damn world feels a little colder now.”
“I’m not completely sure this town or my life will ever feel right side up again, Trinket. But I’m glad you came.”
“Will you be here long?” She peered up at me. Just seeing her big brown eyes blinking up at me, helped lift some of the gloom from my head. “It seems like we have a lot of catching up to do. I hope you stay for awhile.”
“I’m thinking about hanging around for a week or two. My dad seems to take some comfort in having me around. Not sure why, except I guess I’m his only kid now. If you’re staying, then I’ll stick around too, Kenna. Just sitting here with you in this circle of shrubs drinking piss warm whiskey has already helped me some.”
“I’m glad, Cade.” She leaned her head against me again. “See, and you always thought I was just an annoying, freckle-faced brat.”
“Pretty much.” I tightened my arm around her.
Chapter 5
Kenna
I’d been to exactly two funerals in my life. One for my hamster, Sookie, where my parents and I stood out in the pouring rain quickly trying to shovel dirt into the hole before Sookie’s coffin, an empty tissue box, disintegrated from moisture. The second was for my ninety-five-year-old great-grandmother, Maddie, a woman who had ‘seen it all and laughed through most of it’ or at least that was what her seventy-five-year-old son, my grandfather, had said in the eulogy. ‘She had a good long life’ it was a phrase I remembered hearing again and again as I sat at my grandmother’s house after the funeral eating crumb cake and sipping bitter lemon tea. I was only ten, and I couldn’t understand how anyone could think her life had been long enough. I was prepared and determined to live long past one hundred mostly because, at ten, the reality of inevitable death was too terrifying and too hard to swallow. That was still mostly true. Especially when the person in the highly varnished casket, surrounded by white and yellow roses, was only twenty-six years old. There were no mutterings of ‘he had a good, long life’ at this, my third funeral. Maddie’s funeral had been somber but mostly pleasant with hugs and smiles as people reminisced about her colorful personality and her love of life. But somber wasn’t even close when it came to describing the atmosphere at Grady’s funeral. There just wasn’t an adjective bleak or grim or angry enough to convey how it felt to see a perfectly vibrant young man being laid to rest for eternity.
My feet seemed to be floating above the grass, not wanting to touch the ground or admit this was actually happening. I clutched the stuffed Scooby Doo dog close to my side. I’d decided on my way out the door that I had to carry it with me.
I was an hour into what was solidly one of the worst days of my life. So far it had been a blur of tears and brief conversations with people I hardly knew or recognized anymore. I realized the only things I would remember about the whole awful day was that a bumble bee kept buzzing around the pews causing mild cases of panic throughout the pastor’s sermon and that Kevin Stratton, Grady’s dad, an ex-marine, who had never wavered from having perfectly ramrod straight posture had walked into the church so limp and hunched forward that it seemed as if all his bones had turned to gelatin overnight. And I would remember the open seat that had been left next to his dad, the seat that had been saved for Caden but that sat vacant throughout the entire church service.
I wasn’t completely surprised. As a kid, Caden had always had a hard time sitting still for church. He’d gotten in plenty of trouble for it too. But I was disappointed that he hadn’t shown up, if for nothing else, for his dad. And for me. After we’d met up at the park, I’d been busy helping my mom, and Caden had needed to stick close to home, to help out with things. I hadn’t seen him since.
The hillside gravesite was already crowded by the time Mom, Dad and I walked across the grass to the mound of dirt and rectangular ditch. It was silent enough to hear the traffic from the interstate far below as the Hearst pulled up to the site.
I held my dad’s hand and gripped Scooby with the other. We watched as they opened the back door. My tears flowed again. This was it. This was Grady’s final journey. The funeral was supposed to bring closure, but to me, it felt like grinding salt into a wound. My head was spinning like a toy top. One minute, I found myself convinced that there was just no damn way Grady was inside the coffin and the next, it felt as if my head would explode from thinking he was gone forever.
My mom let loose an angry sounding sigh. I looked up to see what had her upset. She had on her dark sunglasses, but I could see that she was staring straight at the Hearst. “It’s about time he showed up,” she muttered.
As the men appointed as pallbearers pulled the coffin from the Hearst, Caden’s tall, dark head towered over the rest of them. He had on dark sunglasses and he’d pulled on a black suit coat, borrowed from his dad, no doubt, over a white t-shirt and black jeans. He walked stiffly, as if in pain, with his share of the burden. My heart split in two watching as he helped position the coffin over the grave. He stopped and stared at his brother’s coffin for a long moment. Then he walked past the curious onlookers, without a word to anyone, and positioned himself far from the group but in hearing range of the pastor.
The gravesite ceremony was short and simple. While it felt better to be outside in the fresh air than inside the thick walls of the church, my legs wobbled through the entire thing. More than once, I glanced back at Caden. He had his arms crossed tightly as if that was the best way to hold himself together. Even through dark sunglasses, I could see him glance my direction as I looked back.
As the final thoughts and prayers were given, I squeezed my dad’s arm to get his attention. “I’m going to stand with Caden,” I whispered.
“That’s a good idea,” he replied.
&
nbsp; I hiked through the maze of headstones to where Caden was standing. He glanced down at the Scooby toy and smiled weakly.
“Are you going back to your dad’s for the wake?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
He shook his head. “Thought I’d drive out to Poplar’s Beach.”
“Grady’s favorite place.” I looked down at Scooby and ran my palm over the soft fur as if it was a real dog.
“Want to go with me?”
I glanced back. The ceremony was over, but people lingered behind at the gravesite giving final hugs to each other before walking back to their cars. I caught my dad’s attention and waved to let him know I wouldn’t be going with them to the wake. My mom didn’t notice the gesture. That was probably best. I turned back to Caden and took hold of his hand.
Caden lifted his sunglasses onto his head and stared down at the gravesite, then he squeezed my hand and without another word he led me away from the funeral and toward his truck.
Chapter 6
Kenna
It was strange how completely normal it felt to be driving along the road with Caden, as if we’d never parted, as if he was still an eighteen-year-old driving Grady and me to the movies or the beach. After he’d just barely graduated high school, Caden’s dad had put plenty of pressure on him to ‘find a direction’. He’d decided to join the army. I’d hated the idea of him strapping on weapons and marching off to fight in war torn, dangerous corners of the world, but deep down, I knew it was exactly the right thing for him to do. He had always been restless and bored in Mayfair. And while I never really saw it, others, like teachers and his parents, had always said he lacked discipline. They were sure the army would set him right. For Grady, it had been both a source of worry and pride watching Caden go off to become a soldier.
I smiled thinking about how much Grady had admired his brother. I looked over at Caden. His profile was still chiseled perfection, a straight nose with a strong, masculine jaw all topped off with long eyelashes that looked completely out of place with the rest of him. Unlike Grady, Caden had always had a hard edge about him. I was sure it had come from years of being popped from house to house. Caden had had no choice but to toughen up, otherwise, the confusion of it all would have destroyed him.
My fingers moved absently over the plush toy sitting on the seat next to me. “I still remember that day when we watched you get on the plane to fly off for boot camp. Your mom looked so distraught and Grady told her, ‘those damn terrorists better be ready to kiss their sweet asses good-bye once Caden’s boots hit the desert sand’. Grady thought you were made of steel and grit and everything cool. He idolized you.”
A glimmer of a smile curled his mouth, but he didn’t allow more than that. “Too bad I didn’t give him more to deserve it. I left here thinking I was a badass, but when the harsh reality of fighting a war hits you smack in the face, it brings you back down to earth fast.”
“I heard you were pretty damn amazing over there. You don’t ever like to give yourself credit, Cade. There was a reason Grady looked at you as if you were a rock star. You are made of steel and grit and everything cool. You just don’t see it in yourself.”
Caden pulled onto the highway that would eventually curve down toward the coast. “How is the candy making going?” The blatant topic change was enough to convince me to drop the previous subject.
“I think I’ve got two new cavities just from breathing in the air around the kitchen. I love chocolate, but I think this time helping my mom will cure me of that love. At least for a few weeks. I mean—it’s chocolate. They didn’t name it the food of the gods for nothing.”
“Have to agree, chocolate is up there in top ten foods.”
“It’s actually kind of fun just working in the kitchen, wearing shorts and no shoes, chatting with my mom while we get business done.”
“Bet you’ll miss it when you’re working in a law office in those tight, expensive business skirts and high-heeled shoes.”
“Uh, I think you’ve been watching too many law shows on Netflix. And besides, with the debt I’ll be in after law school, I won’t be wearing anything expensive. Trust me.”
“Fine, but I’m still going to imagine you wearing tight skirts and high-heeled shoes with a pencil tucked behind your ear and a sexy little briefcase just because anything else wouldn’t be as fun.”
I reached over and thumped his arm with my fist. “Some things never change.”
“You mean like me thinking women are the best damn thing to daydream about? Guilty. I haven’t changed when it comes to that.”
A bright blue sky stretched out over the highway. It was midsummer, and Poplar’s Beach would have plenty of visitors on a warm, sunny day like today. When we were old enough, but too young to drive, our parents used to let us ride the bus down to Poplar’s Beach. It beat them having to drive us and find parking. Grady and I, and, occasionally, Caden and his friends, would join us. We’d carry our swim fins and our towels onto the bus and spend the day on the sand.
Caden reached over and patted the top of Scooby’s head. “I forgot about your ghost hunting days.”
“That’s because they were short in number . . . and success. We were great at scaring the crap out of each other though. Not the best quality for ghost hunters.” I picked up the stuffed dog and held it in my lap.
Everclear’s “Father of Mine” came on the radio, and it brought me back to the morning and the funeral. Through the emotional hurricane of the day, I’d sensed some tension between Caden and his dad. “What was going on with you and your dad today? You didn’t show to the church, and then, all of a sudden, you were at the gravesite. But I didn’t see you talk to your dad once.”
The tiny muscle in the side of his jaw twitched beneath the dark beard stubble as he kept his eyes glued to a nearly empty highway. He didn’t answer.
“Never mind. It’s not any of my business.”
He seemed relieved that I dropped the subject. I was there to support him through a terrible day. The last thing I needed to do was drop more grief on him by prying into his mostly tumultuous relationship with his dad.
The beach came into view, with its ivory sand, dark blue water and tall lifeguard towers. It brought back plenty of nostalgic memories. We drove past the bus stop bench where, starved and tired after a long day in the water, Grady and I would sit looking like shriveled, salted prunes, waiting for the bus to roll through and take us home.
I gazed out the window and watched our favorite hamburger stand and the string of beach showers pass by. “Feels like I’m too young to be saying this, but I miss the good ole’ days.” I’d cried off and on all morning, to the point where I’d felt completely drained of tears, but the dreaded lump in my throat returned. I squeezed Scooby in my arms and a puff of dust floated up from the fake brown fur. “Guess now, those days are really gone for good.”
Chapter 7
Caden
Kenna and I hiked down the path to the beach. An onshore breeze had kicked up, causing a red and blue beach umbrella to escape and take off at a full twirl. The frantic owner ran after it as it headed straight toward us. I snatched it as it rolled past and handed it back to the grateful woman.
“Well done,” Kenna quipped as she pulled off her shoes. She glanced down at her dress, a conservative, business type dress, suitable for a job interview or a funeral but not exactly beachwear. “I probably should’ve stopped by the house to change, but too late now.” Before we got out of the truck, she’d had another good, long cry, and we’d sat inside the cab, listening to tunes and not saying a word, until it got too hot.
I pulled off my shoes too, and we headed toward the water. She glanced over at my legs. “I kind of expected you to have a limp after your broken femur.”
“I still do sometimes. Depends on the weather and how long I’ve been sitting.”
“Yep, things were just starting to take off. Big sponsors were calling. I’m still in touch with the team manager. He’s offered me a spot on the crew if I’m interested. Sort of a step down, but I’m thinking about it. I’m hoping I might be able to get back on the bike again too.”
“Seems like that would be kind of scary after what you went through.”
I shrugged. “I’m sure I’d be more hesitant this time around. Kind of like getting back on the horse I guess. It’s just wishful thinking anyhow.”
We stopped five feet from the water where the sand was still dry enough to sit on. Fifty yards down the beach, two kids were building a sand castle as their mom took pictures of them with her phone.
“If I’m ever a mom, I’ll be sitting in the sand building the castle with them. Not standing over them with a stupid cell phone. Life’s passing us all by as we stare through our damn phones.” Kenna leaned back on her hands. Her hair was pale in the sunlight and it swirled around her face and shoulders like spun gold.
“You’d be a good mom, Trinket.” I looked pointedly down at the diamond ring on her finger. “When’s the wedding?” The thought of Kenna being with anyone but me or Grady left a bitter taste of regret in my mouth.
“We haven’t set a date yet.” She wrapped her arms around her legs to keep her dress from flying up and stared down at her feet as they dug a ditch in the sand. “Mostly because I just can’t see myself as a bride . . . or a wife . . . or a lawyer.”
I looked at her, but she stayed focused on her feet. She rested her chin on her knees. “Just not sure if I’ve made any of the right decisions. And now, I’ve been reminded just how short life can be. I want to be sure I’m not making some major mistakes, mistakes that would be complicated to erase.”
