A Better Place

by Tania Roberts

  Thomas and Murdo bid goodnight to each other and Thomas heads home to tell Mary the good news.

  .....

  The next day starts positively; Murdo is successful in gaining employment at Hazelwoods. The travel to and from work each day will be difficult but he will sort something out when Sarah gets home. The main thing is he has a job so there will be a steady income again to support his family and he is making a contribution to the war effort, keeping the troops supplied with fresh bread while they are training and waiting to be shipped out.

  Dinnertime does not quite meet Murdo’s expectations. Lorna has no recognition of her father and cries from the moment Mary passes her to Murdo. Florence is shy and uncertain and clings to Mary’s skirt, reluctant to give him a welcome home cuddle. Lexie seems to be angry with him, only politely acknowledges his return and has her thumb in her mouth most of the time. Well, thinks Murdo, they will just have to get used to him; he is their father and they are all going home together.

  The children relax once back into the familiar surroundings of their home. They spend the afternoon playing as if nothing is amiss. Murdo prepares a light supper of boiled eggs and toast. Lorna is soon fast asleep, tucked up in her crib after her evening bottle. Florence and Lexie snuggle either side of Murdo on the settee, eager for a special story from their father. This precious time before bed is one of giggles and happiness. Murdo retires early too, contented to be home again and full of anticipation for Sarah’s return tomorrow.

  .....

  Sarah smiles. She sees her family standing on the platform as the train pulls into the station and has a feeling that everything will be all right now. She gathers her small bag from the rack and is ready to alight when the stationmaster finally opens the carriage doors.

  “Welcome home, me love.” Murdo rushes forward to take Sarah’s bag. He thinks she has lost weight and with dark circles under her eyes, she looks exhausted. Murdo gives her a gentle hug and brushes his lips across her cheek. He worries about his dear wife and wonders why he ever thought she could cope while he went to the other side of the world. “Come on lasses, let us get your mama home so she can rest.”

  “I’ll be fine Murdo. Stop fussing!” Sarah beckons the girls to come and give her a hug. “Maggie has let me do nothing but rest for the past week. I want to hear what ye and the girls have been up to.”

  “Hello Mama,” says Lexie. “Please don’t go away again, I miss you.”

  “I willnae Lexie,” Sarah reassures Lexie, holding her hand. “I promise I’ll ne’er leave ye again.”

  Sarah is short of breath by the time they walk the short distance home from the train station but she enjoys a detailed account of the week from Lexie and a shorter gibberish version from Florence while Lorna gurgles away in the pram. Murdo and Sarah look at each other, both thinking there is so much that they want to say to each other but where and when do they begin.

  “Ye sit yeself down me dear and I will make us a pot of tea.”

  “Donnae fuss Murdo. We had to cope when ye wasnae here,” replies Sarah as she takes a seat at the kitchen table.

  “Well, I’ve got work tomorrow so I want to treat ye while I can.”

  “Work? Ye’ve got a job already?”

  “Yes, at Hazelwoods in the bakery. They’ve got a contract to supply all the bread for the troops at Trentham.”

  “Oh Murdo, that’s wonderful news. I’ve had to budget Mama’s money ever so carefully, there’s only a little left.”

  “We’ll be fine now me dear.” Murdo takes Sarah’s hand in his and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

  Sarah smiles. She wants to believe her husband. She pushes her niggling doubts about her health to the back of her mind and focuses on the man across the table from her. She has missed everything about him.

  .....

  It is still dark when Murdo sets off to catch the first train to Upper Hutt to start his new job at Hazelwoods. The store is similar to the co-operative at Runanga, only long established and privately owned by the Hazelwood family. A recent fire destroyed the original wooden building and now the store occupies a grand double-storey brick building. A curved verandah juts out over the pavement all the way to the road where it is supported by four ornately spiraled poles. Large windows form the shop’s frontage and allow for the display of a wide range of merchandise including groceries, boots and shoes, home wares, haberdashery and the like. Aside from family members there are a further twenty employees. Murdo’s instructions are to report to Mr Hazelwood Senior, the Managing Director. Don Morrell, the store’s other baker, is also present in the small office on the second storey. Standards of conduct and conditions of employment are discussed before Don takes Murdo down to the bakery to start work; a guided tour of the premises will have to wait – there is bread to be baked.

  It is dark and chilly by the time the late afternoon train delivers Murdo back to Lower Hutt. Murdo pulls his scarf up against the cool winter winds and strides quickly home to his family. Sarah has a light supper on the table. Lexie clears the table when they are finished and helps her mother with the dishes. All retire early, the girls because it is their normal bedtime, Murdo because he must wake before dawn tomorrow and Sarah because she is exhausted.

  .....

  This is the routine the Campbell household settles into over the following weeks. Murdo’s time is spent working, travelling or sleeping.

  “I’ve been offered board in Upper Hutt,” Murdo tells Sarah. “I think it’s best I take it. It will save the cost and time of travelling.”

  “But when will we see ye?”

  “I’ll come down in the weekends when I’m nae working.”

  “Why donnae we all move to Upper Hutt?” Sarah suggests.

  “We donnae know anyone. If anything happens to ye, at least here we have the Burts to call on.”

  Sarah sighs. She knows Murdo will have considered all the pros and cons of this decision. She knows he is right. They will save more money this way. She hasn’t fainted lately so she thinks she will be able to cope. She relies on Lexie more and more, teaching her how to do basic household chores. But there is only so much you can expect a six-year-old to do.

  .....

  With the British, French and Russians all joining the war, there are thousands of troops at Trentham and baking becomes a seven-day-a-week task. Murdo must alternate weekend shifts with Don. When his rostered weekend off finally arrives, the Hutt is being lashed by a fierce spring storm. Driving rain, flooded rivers and overflowing gutters make walking anywhere unwise. Murdo is exhausted after working fifteen-hour days, must forgo the trip home and sleeps for most of his time off.

  And so they are back to a household of four females. Lexie continues her schooling and diligently practices her writing and arithmetic each night. Lorna is now able to sit unaided and Florence is her entertainment – playing peek-a-boo, clapping her hands and tickling Lorna’s chubby little toes. Sarah enjoys listening to their carefree giggles. She tries to take life at a slow pace, as she is aware of the sudden movements and strains that drain the blood from her head and render her faint and dizzy. When she feels it happening she clings to the nearest support, closes her eyes to relax and breathes deep and long. Florence and Lorna are too young to even notice when it happens, let alone understand, but Lexie is keeping count. She used to only get to five but now she needs all of her fingers to count the number of times she sees her mother looking unwell in a week. She tries to do things for her mother, be as grown-up as possible and not let her mother see how scared she really is. Sometimes at night-time when she is tucked up with her doll, tears trickle down her cheeks but she wipes them away with the back of her hand and no one knows. Her mother might go away again if anyone knows and she doesn’t want that.

  .....

  Christmas this year is a Friday. Murdo arrives home late on Christmas Eve and has the whole weekend to spend with his family. They opt not to accept the Burts’ invitation to Christmas dinner and after attending the morni
ng service at church enjoy a quiet family picnic down beside the river. Murdo spreads the tartan blanket over the soft grass under the shady bough of a large weeping willow. A gentle breeze rustles the leaves in accompaniment to the water gushing in, out and over the boulders in the river. From the basket, Sarah serves a plate of egg and lettuce sandwiches and as a special Christmas treat, a small square fruitcake that Murdo has brought home from the bakery. There is no icing on the cake but it has a rich moist texture and a bounty of currants and cherries. Lexie has been entrusted to carry a pitcher of homemade lemonade and now carefully pours it into four glasses. It is simple fare; war rations, time and money do not permit anything more elaborate but the time together is more important than the food to be shared.

  Lorna finds fascination in the blades of grass at her side; they tickle her hands and rebound when she pushes on them. The older girls are permitted to take off their shoes and socks and paddle at the side of the river. The shallow water is warm from the summer sun’s rays and tempts them in further. Lacy dress hems are hitched above their knees but three-year-old Florence is not so steady in the loose gravel bed. She loses her footing and tumbles into the water. She squeals with surprise, giggles nervously and then cries when she realizes her dress is sopping. The picnic is cut short. Murdo bundles Florence in the woollen blanket and carries her home.

  .....

  A month later, it is Lorna’s first birthday, the 25th January 1915. It is a Monday so Murdo is back in Upper Hutt at work. It is school holidays though and Lexie helps Sarah bake a special cake for afternoon tea. Just a plain butter cake but they decorate it with a thin spread of white icing mixed with a passionfruit clipped from the vine by the clothesline. They put a small white candle in the middle and Lorna claps her hands and giggles with delight, not understanding what is going on, but knowing that she is the centre of attention when Sarah lights the candle and Lexie and Florence sing Happy Birthday. These are precious times. Sarah would prefer Murdo was around but she knows the sacrifice they make in having Murdo working away is nothing compared to the many who have permanently lost loved ones in the war.

  .....

  School starts again a few days later. Lexie has a new teacher, a new classroom and new lessons to be learned.

  “Lexie, come and get ye lunch for school,” calls Sarah. “It’s time to go.”

  Lexie does not answer, nor does she come out of her room.

  “What are ye doing?” asks Sarah going to investigate.

  Lexie is curled up on her bed. She sniffs, tries to control her crying but can’t stop.

  “Oh Lexie! Whatever is the matter?”

  “I don’t ... I don’t want to go to school,” she replies between sniffles.

  “Ye’re a big girl now; ye have to go to school just like all the other girls.”

  “I don’t ... I don’t want to leave you and Florence and Lorna.”

  “Oh Lexie, we will be here when ye come home.” Sarah rubs Lexie’s back to calm her.

  “But I liked the holidays.”

  “Mmm, so did I but ye still have to go to school. Come on. Go and wash ye face. The girls will be here to collect ye soon.”

  Reluctantly Lexie climbs off the bed and goes to rinse her eyes with the facecloth.

  It takes a few weeks to learn to cope but Lexie eventually re-adjusts to the demands of schooling. She gains a sense of security from the routine and Murdo comes home for a weekend so she proudly shows him how she can write her name and count the numbers one to twenty.

  .....

  Then one day that routine is shattered.

  “Hello girls,” greets Mary Burt as they return from school Thursday afternoon. “You are to come home with me today, Lexie.”

  “Hello Mrs Burt,” replies Lexie remembering her good manners. “Are we having afternoon tea at your house today?” Lexie hopes so, as she loves Mrs Burt’s freshly baked scones with strawberry jam.

  “Umm, not today dear.”

  “I’ll just go and put my bag away and get Mama and the girls then.”

  “Umm, not today dear.” Mary is not sure what to say. “Bring your bag to my place. Florence and Lorna are already there.”

  “Oh. Where is Mama?” asks Lexie sensing all is not right.

  “She’s been taken to hospital, dear, but it’s alright. Your father is coming home.”

  Lexie’s mother has been taken away and her father is coming home when it isn’t the weekend. Even Lexie’s six-year-old brain can work out that everything is not all right. But she doesn’t cry. Big girls don’t cry. Her mother has told her she will not leave her. Lexie tries to remember if anything was different this morning before school. No, she is certain it wasn’t.

  “She’ll be home again tomorrow, won’t she?” Lexie asks rhetorically.

  “Come on dear. We’ll go and make a glass of warm milk.” Mary takes Lexie’s hand and tries to distract her as they cross the road. She doesn’t want to instil any false sense of hope in the unfortunate child.

  .....

  Mrs Burt packs Lexie off to school the next day as if nothing is amiss. Lexie cannot focus though and gets a rap across her knuckles from the teacher’s ruler for her absent-mindedness. Lexie can’t wait for the afternoon bell to ring and runs all the way home as soon as she is dismissed. She bounds in the back door, hoping, praying that her mother will be home again. Murdo is sitting at the kitchen table. His normally neatly groomed hair is dishevelled. His tie is askew and his shirt collar parted. He raises his head and looks at Lexie through red tearstained eyes. His face portrays the pain and anguish his heart is feeling. He opens his arms to his eldest daughter. She cannot move. She senses what he is going to say and does not want to hear it.

  “Ye Mama has gone to heaven, Lexie.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Lower Hutt 1915

  Whipped up by a strong cold southerly wind, rain batters the windowpanes. The summer storm is a fitting backdrop to the sombre mood inside the Campbell household.

  “Come on lasses, get ye coats on,” orders Murdo as he dresses Lorna in her hand-me-down raincoat.

  “But it’s raining Papa. Where are we going?” asks Lexie.

  “We’re going to kiss ye Mama.”

  “But Mama’s gone to heaven. You said so.”

  “Hush Lexie. Just come with me.”

  Murdo carries Lorna on his hip, Florence and Lexie hold hands at his side and they cross the road and walk the short distance to the Mrs Burt Senior’s house. There is no one else about on the streets – the weather keeps all but those with essential business safely indoors. Lexie doesn’t understand what their mother is doing at the Burt’s. Perhaps they are all going for morning tea. Murdo pushes the front gate; it swings easily on its oiled hinges and the girls precede him up the path to the front door. Lexie thinks it strange that the front parlour curtains are drawn at this time of the morning. She wonders if perhaps Mrs Burt is asleep keeping warm beside the fire.

  Murdo doesn’t have to knock. The front door opens as if anticipating their arrival. Thomas Burt ushers them in.

  “She’s in here Murdo. Please accept our sincerest condolences. We will leave you to it.”

  Lexie’s heart is filled with joyous hope - her mother has come back from heaven. What she is doing in the Burt’s front room and what are ‘condolences’; she doesn’t understand. But her mother said she wouldn’t leave her and Lexie feels certain she has kept her word.

  Murdo opens the door to the front parlour and pauses. The room is gloomy, the drapes drawn and the furniture shrouded in swathes of black cloth. He remembers standing in this very room celebrating his wedding to Sarah, anticipating their long and happy life together. Instead, tomorrow on their ninth wedding anniversary he will be burying her. His eyes adjust to the gloom. In front of the hearth he can see the long low table on which her coffin sits. There are vases of flowers at the head and foot of the coffin. Large white lilies give off a fragrance he knows Sarah would have liked. He inhales deeply, fil
ling his lungs and releasing the tension from his shoulders. He moves to take a hesitant step toward the coffin but the little hand held within his resists.

  “It’s alright, lasses. Donnae be frightened.”

  “It’s dark in here. Where is Mama?” Lexie asks.

  “She’s resting in her coffin,” replies Murdo. “Now come and kiss her goodbye.”

  “Goodbye? She’s only just come back. Where is she going now?”

  Lexie is utterly confused. Reluctantly she follows her father towards the coffin.

  “Aah. There she is, just as beautiful as ever.” Murdo is relieved to see Sarah looking so peaceful. The plain wooden coffin is lined with white satin. Sarah’s head rests on a small pillow and her hands are crossed, resting on her breast. She wears her Sunday clothes, the jade heart pendant he gave her on their first Christmas in Runanga lies delicately at her throat.

  Lexie tiptoes at the side of the coffin and peeks over the top. Her mother looks likes she’s sleeping.

  “If I kiss her will she wake up?” Lexie whispers.

  “Nae Lexie, she wonnae ever wake up again.” Murdo puts Lorna down on the floor and lifts Lexie. “Now lean over and kiss her gently.”

  Lexie kisses her mother’s forehead. Sarah’s skin is cold, ever so cold.

  “How long will she stay at the Burts? Can we take her home?”

  “Nae Lexie, we are going to have her funeral tomorrow.”

  “What’s a funeral?”

  “We will take her to church and ask God to look after her soul and then we will bury her.”

  “Bury her? But it’s raining outside. She will get wet and cold.”

  “Och Lexie. She wonnae feel cold. She wonnae feel sick ever again. The angels in heaven will take care of her.”

  They leave the room shortly after. Murdo declines Thomas’s offer of a cup of tea and the diminished Campbell family re-cross the road back to their home now bereft of a mother’s caring presence.

  .....