Playing It Out Straight

by Andrew McQuinn

  Help me Scotty, guide me in the right direction. Let me know I’m not crazy, but in fact normal. Just give me a sign.

  “Night,” he said.

  “Night.”

  I turned for the door when he reached out and pulled me in for a hug. I wrapped one arm around him, while the other lazily draped at my side. I held the paw of the teddy. Since he stood on the ground and not the stoop, his face rested against my chest. I let go of the bear and wrapped both arms around him.

  I swore I heard him moan softly before he stepped back. He bit his lower lip, in anticipation and wonderment as to if I’d make a move. At least I assumed. We said our goodbyes and he handed the bear back to me before I walked inside and closed the door, leaning against it. I sighed out the afternoon jitters and waited until I heard his car start. I pushed off the door and walked down the hall to the kitchen. I went to the sink and washed my mouth out then sat on a stool and rested my face against the cool granite counter.

  “You’re back early,” Stephen said as he entered the kitchen

  “Huh, Yeah.”

  “How was your date?” He joked.

  I glared at him. “Fine,” I didn’t deny. “I got sick.”

  “Smooth.”

  I gave him the finger this time. “I think I caught something. I feel like shit.”

  “You look it. Maybe you should go to bed.”

  “Mmm.” I moaned as I switched and cooled the other side of my face.

  “Where’d you get the bear?” he asked walking around the counter.

  “The fair. Scotty won it for me,” I dreamily said.

  “How sweet.”

  “Fuck off,” I snapped.

  “Dude I’m just joking with you, chill.” Stephen laughed.

  “I know sorry, I really don’t feel good.”

  “Then go lay down.”

  I sighed and slouched off the stool. “Night.”

  “Night.”

  I closed my bedroom door, quickly stripped down to my underwear, and crashed on my bed pulling the bear close and a blanket over me. I could still smell Scotty’s insatiable scent on it. I breathed it in and closed my eyes. I heard a light rap on my door, grumbling, I turned over.

  “Stephen told me you weren’t feeling good,” Mom said.

  “Mmm.”

  I felt my bed sink and turned toward my mom. She placed her hand on my forehead.

  “You’re burning up.”

  “I’ve been told.”

  She pulled out a thermometer from her pocket and stuck it under my tongue. A few seconds later it beeped. My mom pulled it out reading the results.

  “Well?” I asked.

  “One-oh-one, looks like someone will be in bed all day tomorrow.”

  “Joy, a Saturday wasted by staying in.”

  “Don’t sound so happy.”

  “Well I was supposed to go to work tomorrow.”

  “I’m sure Joe will understand. Be right back.”

  She got up and walked down the hall to the bathroom. She returned with some NyQuil, water, and a bottle of Pedialyte. I sat up and looked at the NyQuil with fevered eyes and downed it quicker than expected.

  “I’ll let you get some sleep you look exhausted, make sure you drink plenty of fluids before bed.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  I stared at my mother and debated telling her how I felt. Aside from Stephen, she was probably the only other person who knew. Mothers always know. I knew she would understand and wouldn’t judge me but support me like my brother had. Instead I acted like a normal teenager who wanted his alone time.

  “Okay, night Mom.” I said rolling over.

  “Night, honey.”

  She got up and made her way to the door.

  “Hey Mom?”

  “Yes, Kyle?”

  I’m gay.

  “Never mind it’s not important.”

  Fucking hell Kyle! Come out already.

  “Are you sure?” Mom asked.

  It’s only the most important thing, and I can’t talk about it with you.

  “Yeah,” I mumbled.

  My mom walked back to the bed and rubbed my arm.

  “How was your night with Scotty?”

  “Until I got sick it was fantastic. He took me out to dinner then we walked around the Santa Monica pier and he won me this,” I said, showing off the bear. “I really like him,” I said, then corrected myself, “his company.”

  “He sounds like a nice guy.”

  “He is.” I yawned.

  “Well I like him already,” Mom cheerily said. “Get some rest. The sooner you get better, the sooner you can hang out with Scotty again.” She winked. “And if you have anything you want to talk about, please don’t hesitate to come to me. I love you no matter what.”

  “Thanks, Mom. I love you,” I said.

  “Love you too.”

  I drank half of the Pedialyte before turning over and wrapping myself in the blanket. I couldn’t get to sleep. My mind raced from the events tonight. I pulled the bear closer to me and wished it was Scotty. As the NyQuil did its work it distorted my brain, I came to the realization I was, in fact gay. I probably wouldn’t remember in the morning, and would be back to denial, but I enjoyed the sense of self-pride washing over me and wondered if in the morning this feeling would remain. Soon I became disoriented and sleepy. I knew the NyQuil had fully kicked in and at this point I was fighting its side effects. I yawned and drifted to sleep and into a dreamland.

  A man is in my arms.

  His identity is unknown. We lay on my bed, cuddled up together underneath a beautiful blanket. The top and bottom of the blanket is bright yellow, as it meets in the middle the color fades from yellow, to orange, until becoming vibrant red in the middle. Overall of this is a pristine white mandala flower. I lift the blanket and scan his body and see we are both nude. He turns in his sleep wrapping his arm around me and that’s when I see the man isn’t a stranger, instead it’s Scotty. I watch him sleep for a moment before leaning in to steal a kiss.

  His eyes spring open.

  I feel embarrassment wash over me for being caught. Then Scotty smiles and kisses me back. It’s a lovely feeling, skin touching, lips and hands exploring. His hand runs down my arm and up my stomach and chest. I watch as he drags his hand back down past my waist.

  We stare at each other then he leans in and kisses me on the neck. I turn onto my back, he follows suit, straddling me. His lips leave my neck and travel over my shoulder, down my chest, past the navel and stops at my waist. Scotty grins up at me, then begins to move down lower, until he reaches my groin. Before the dream could advance any further, I was pulled back into darkness.

  My eyes shot open, and I sat up.

  It was still dark out when I realized I was drenched in sweat and breathing hard. I just had a wet dream about Scotty. Feeling both tired and extremely turned on, I thought about the dream. Heat filled my cheeks. I felt constricted by the stickiness of boxer briefs and sheets against my damp skin. I got up, changed my underwear, and slipped back under the covers.

  I was wired after being woken up. I debated surfing the web of finding something to watch online. Instead I opted for none of the above and picked up the copy of my father’s book off my bed side table.

  I knew the moment I held my son for the first time he was a miracle.

  My wife and I had struggled for three years to conceive a child. For the longest time I thought it was my fault, I was sterile and our dreams of having children the natural way would come to an end. Tests revealed that both my wife and I were fit to conceive a child. So, we kept trying. We lost our first two to miscarriages and went almost two years without any luck. Then one day my wife said she was pregnant. I didn’t believe her, or the pregnancy test she held in her hands. Nor did I believe the doctors when they confirmed she was indeed pregnant.

  Judging by the ultrasound, they predicted she was a month and a half along. I remained hopeful as the first trimester came and went. I breathed a sigh
of relief when the second trimester ended, and our baby was healthy. Soon we had our overnight bag prepared, in actuality we had packed the bag months prior, but once we hit the seven month mark we kept it by the door so we could grab it and go. Time simultaneously moved fast and slow as we approached our due date.

  Ryan was born at five-thirty-five in the morning. One week early. His birth was heartbreakingly beautiful. Heart breaking because he wouldn’t breathe at first. Ryan entered this world greyish blue in color after the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck during labor. The first forty-five seconds he was in this world were the hardest I’d ever lived. My wife looked at me, exhaustion in her face.

  “What’s wrong? He isn’t crying. Brian, why isn’t he crying?” Katherine, my wife, anxiously asked.

  I wiped hair away from her sweaty brow.

  “I don’t know Kat.”

  Before I had the chance to say anything more, I heard the most precious sound in the world. The sound of my son’s cries. That’s when my son’s birth became beautiful. Kat’s eyes widened and she smiled at me and I grinned back. We shared a kiss and watched as our son was lowered onto Kat’s chest. She cradled him. He stared back at us, crying.

  “Do we have a name for him yet?” the doctor asked.

  “I think we’ve settled on Ryan. Ryan Nathaniel Sanderson,” I said, unable to take my eyes of my baby boy.

  I made it less than three pages into my father’s book before I fell back asleep. I didn’t dream the rest of the night, or if I had, I didn’t remember them.

  I awoke the next morning, still thinking about last night. It was currently noon. I cringed at the metallic taste of the thermometer under my tongue and headed downstairs. An attractive voice came from the living room and when I saw Scotty sitting on the loveseat, I froze in place. He looked over at me and quickly eyed me up and down. Chills ran down my spine. I looked down and went red, completely forgetting I was in nothing but my boxer briefs, a bulge tenting out. The joys of being a teenage boy. Out of sheer embarrassment I used both hands to cover my junk. On cue the thermometer beeped. I glanced down and saw my temperature was normal although I felt hot.

  Stephen turned back to Scotty and politely ended the conversation.

  “Well I’ve got to get going,” he abruptly said

  Stephen stood and walked past me, slamming a balled-up blanket into my chest and took the thermometer which hung onto my lower lip for dear life. He offered a cunning smile and left us alone. I wrapped the blanket around me and curled up on my father’s La-Z-Boy across from Scotty. Happy energy seemed to radiate from him as he made himself more at home.

  “I just wanted to see how you were doing. Your mom said you had a hundred and one temp.”

  “Yeah, it’s back to normal now, must have been a twenty-four-hour thing.”

  “Glad to hear. We had our first cast reading today,” Scotty said.

  “How did it go?”

  “Good, we start filming the first scene next week.”

  “That’s when it gets exciting.”

  “Yeah, you should come and visit while I’m on set.”

  “I’d love too,” I eagerly replied.

  “I’d love that too.”

  We sat in silence for a moment. It wasn’t remotely awkward. I noticed Scotty nervously look to the floor then peer up at me with the cutest, most innocent look on his face.

  “What do you have planned today?”

  “Nothing. My mom said I have to stay in all day, so maybe watch movies. Want to join me?”

  The words spilled out before I had time to edit and modify them. Just then my dad stepped into the living room eyeing us for a moment.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked me.

  “Better, no more temp.”

  “Good. You got a call from Tessa. You know the girl from the cast. She was wondering if you were busy this weekend. I told her I thought you were free, and you’d give her a call.”

  Of course, you did. “I may have to work this weekend. If not, I was gonna go see a movie.”

  With Scotty I added to myself.

  “Oh, you should invite Tessa.”

  “Yeah, well I have her number, so I’ll give her a call when I know what’s going on.”

  “Okay, if you need money for the date let me know. Be back in an hour, I have to go get stuff for dinner.”

  Dad walked away after saying this, not even acknowledging Scotty. I rolled my eyes and looked back to Scotty, he seemed to sense my annoyance.

  “Movies sound nice,” Scotty said.

  “What’s that?” I asked playing dumb. I wanted to hear him say it again.

  “I’d like to hang out for a movie or two.”

  “Awesome! There are some movies over there if you want to check them out.”

  Scotty eyed the stack of DVDs and then looked back at me. “I’ll look in a second, I’m enjoying our conversation.”

  Air cooled my throat and filled my lungs. Moisture seemed to have evaporated from my mouth as I felt a bit timid asking him about his sexuality. Would he think I was also gay?

  “I’ve got a question for you,” I said.

  “Shoot,” he said.

  “How old were you when you came out?”

  “I sort of suspected something in seventh grade but two weeks into freshman year I knew for certain and came out Thanksgiving that year..”

  “How did your parents take it?”

  “Well, I’ve got very supportive parents, I was blessed. Some gay youths like my friend Paul aren’t as lucky. We came out together. My parents seemed a little surprised, but things went back to normal rather quickly. I was still the same person, I just happened to like guys. Paul on the other hand was kicked out of his house initially and lived with my family. His family took him back a few weeks later, guess they just needed to let it all sink in.”

  “Before you came out to your parents, did your father ever try setting you up with any girls?”

  “Yes, all the time.” Scotty laughed. “I feel like that’s the kind of thing fathers do. They want what’s best for their kid. Just like meeting a stranger for the first time, it’s assumed they’re straight.”

  “Why do you think it’s so taboo?”

  “Anything unknown to someone makes them timid. It’s a lot easier to be a gay teen now though than it was back in the eighties when our fathers were teenagers.”

  He spoke very direct, as though in his own way he was teaching me a lesson.

  “I feel like my father doesn’t see me for the man I am. He’s stubborn, on this hunt for an idealistic life for his sons, as though he’s making up for past mistakes,” I said.

  “He’s a stern man. Granted I’ve only talked to him a handful of times so my judgements shouldn’t shadow your beliefs, but I went through the same thing with my father. He wasn’t as intimidating as your father but—” My laugh interrupted him.

  “What?” Scotty questioned.

  “I’ve never heard someone refer to my father as intimidating.”

  “He’s a big tall man and he practically set you up on a date with no regard for your schedule.”

  “Parents.” I laughed.

  “What if you and I had plans to see a movie this weekend, I do not like to be stood up,” he joked.

  Am I being asked out on a date right now?

  “It’s like he’s worried I’ll turn out gay or something. No offense.”

  “Would it be bad if you were?”

  “Ah,” I said in a shaky voice.

  “For your dad.”

  “Yes, it would be. He wouldn’t be able to accept it. He’s made it a point once or twice when he’s drank too much that ‘none of his kids better not be a queer’. And yet he wrote a book about it.”

  “Keep in mind his book is about a parent who can’t support this son for being gay.”

  “True, which is why I don’t think he would accept it if I were gay.”

  “Are you gay?” Scotty innocently asked.

  The tr
uth was I wouldn’t know until I tried something with a guy. Just because I was attracted to another guy didn’t mean I’d enjoy kissing or having sex with one. My dream last night sure pointed toward yes. It also revealed a larger secret than the inner struggle I’ve endured the last two years. This secret sat right next to me, and I couldn’t tell him how I snuggled with the teddy bear, wishing it was him. Scotty was the answer to my questions. I looked at Scotty and wanted nothing more than to curl up beside him and watch a movie, maybe fall asleep in his arms, or playing it safe against his shoulder.

  “Look, I… ah…” I muttered.

  I think I’m going to get sick again. I took a deep breath and looked into Scotty’s eyes. My heart skipped a beat as he smiled at me. I just needed to say it. I looked around, I didn’t hear anyone, nor did I see anyone. We were alone. I looked back at Scotty and thought back to the day we met, and the lines we read during the audition. I took another deep breath and decided to take the dive.

  “I… I’ve been having these feelings lately.”

  CHAPTER EIGHT: WHAT CAN I SAY

  I watched as Scotty’s expression changed. I could tell he knew what I meant. He opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it. He opened it again and this time his phone interrupted him.

  “Sorry, family. I have to take this.”

  I watched him walk out and heard him talking in the other room. His voice echoed off the walls, and yet somehow made it sound like he was far away.

  “Hello… Yes? Seriously, is he okay?” I heard him sigh. “I’ll be right there, yeah bye.”

  He walked back in. “Dude I’m so sorry, family emergency my dad is in the hospital, I have to go.”

  “Is he okay?”

  “Sounds like it’s nothing serious. I don’t know. Sorry I have to leave.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “I promise we’ll continue this conversation later,” Scotty paused and looked me square in the eyes. “I promise,” he repeated.

  “Okay, I hope everything’s fine,” I said.

  “Me too.”

  He hesitated about leaving then turned back to me.

  “I almost forgot. I was thinking about you last night.”

  Aw you thought about me last night.