Playing It Out Straight

by Andrew McQuinn

  Her lips had a hint of cherry.

  We continued to kiss and soon the scent and taste of cherry overpowered me. It started to become intoxicating. I was trying my hardest to feel something, anything, but… I felt nothing. I wasn’t turned on. I wasn’t feeling warm and happy on the inside. In fact, it seemed more like a chore. Something I had to do in this whole act of playing the straight guy. Unlike when Scotty held my hand and our bodies pressed against each other at the audition, or that night on the Ferris wheel. How could I forget that night! It didn’t even feel the same as the night Kip stood over me, dripping wet and leaning down to kiss me… Focus Kyle!

  I heard a click and then the lights went out. Her fingers ran under the waistband of my pants, then she tugged on my belt buckle, undoing it. I panicked.

  “We shouldn’t do this right now, not with Joe in the back room,” I said stepping back. “We should probably finish cleaning things up.”

  I felt stupid, but it was all I could think to say. I turned and headed toward the light switch when my foot caught the broom stick and I nearly tripped.

  “Fuck.”

  I heard Emilie giggle. Bra hooks or not I was still the fidgeting virgin. How could it get any worse? Oh yeah, I didn’t know if I liked guys or girls.

  Did I really want to live my entire life with this secret which was practically killing me? For what? Because society says it wasn’t right? Or perhaps I’d lose a father? Either way when the lights came on, I’d have to face the truth. Whatever the reason it was all just an excuse. I needed to come out.

  I managed to find the light switch, flicking it on. I refastened my belt and turned and faced Emilie. The second I saw her, my courage faded, and I couldn’t admit it. She walked over and picked up the broom, handing it to me.

  “Thanks.”

  I felt even more awkward now with the lights on. I took the broom and quickly swept everything up. Just say it! Come on Kyle say it. I just kept sweeping. I looked at Emilie. I sighed and opened my mouth to speak, instead a choked sound escaped my lips. Don’t be a loser Kyle, damnit. You’re an adult now, grow a pair and say it. Goddamn it! Say it! What’s wrong with me? Stop being a coward.

  The following night Emilie and I were asked to close again. I was hoping she wasn’t thinking last night’s stunt was going to become a new ritual. We started cleaning in silence, which made things even more awkward. I locked up the doors and started sweeping, I decided before anything got out of hand, I was going to talk to her. Maybe she would understand. Maybe she could help. But how would I tell her?

  I looked over at her; she was cleaning off the tables and restocking napkins. I barely knew Emilie, yet I wanted to know more about her. Know what her likes and dislikes were. I wanted someone to go to the movies or have slushie races with and get the brain freeze that always followed. Most importantly be my friend. I believed Emilie was a big contender for the role of friend. What I was about to ask her could possibly ruin our newly growing friendship. I decided to do it anyways.

  “So… What do you think about this whole gay marriage thing they are trying to get legalized?” I asked.

  “Well technically it was legal in oh-eight, but only for a short time. I think everyone should have the right to marry, it’s kind of ridiculous we’re still fighting for it, it’s two-thousand and eleven for Christ’s sake, it should have happened by now.”

  “Yeah,” I paused and watched her fill another napkin container. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “Have you ever had feelings for another girl?”

  The question clearly caught her off guard because I heard the metal on metal screech the napkin container made when you forced napkins in too hard.

  “Can’t say I have. What about you, ever had feelings for another guy?”

  I stopped sweeping, stepped to the side and leaned on the broom handle. Sweat emerged from all stress points and I felt dehydrated. Dry mouth almost made me want to cough. At this point Emilie went back to stocking the napkins while she waited for a response. Silence was nearly as deafening as the squeaks my new sneakers made against the floor. For a moment I understood all those movie scenes when all sounds seemed to escape the main character, and all they heard was the beat of their heart, because mine could be the drumline to the UCLA marching band. Before I knew it, I was sitting next to her. I looked over her shoulder to make sure Joe wasn’t around then bit on my thumb nail and decided to take the leap.

  “Yes.” I gulped.

  She gayly lit up and a cunning Cheshire cat smile creased across her face.

  “I knew it! Do tell,” Emilie yelled, punching my shoulder.

  I rubbed my shoulder and winced when I thought she would do it again. “You knew it?” I asked.

  “Come on Kyle, last night? Dead giveaway.”

  “Wait, if you knew, then why did you let me do it?”

  She shrugged. “You had to figure it out somehow, and you aren’t the first boy who’s tested the waters with me,” she paused long enough to go back to stocking napkins before continuing, “Stop avoiding the topic and tell me.”

  I chuckled. “Promise you won’t say anything?”

  “Of course.”

  Like a couple of kids, she pinkie swore me, holding up her other hand as exhibit A.

  “Hold on, a moment like this needs popcorn,” she said, pretending to get up.

  “Ha ha, funny, and we don’t serve popcorn.”

  “Always carry a bag with you,” Emilie sarcastically said. “For the record there are three in my cubby but go on.”

  “It’s all recent. I’m still confused, and don’t know what I really want. Not to mention the guy I have feelings for I have no chance with, he’s an actor.”

  “Oh.” She shrugged. “I always have crushes on actors.”

  “I’ve met him, and we’ve hung out before. Also, he’s not the first guy I liked.”

  “Who is it?”

  “That’s not important.”

  “It totally is,” Emilie retorted.

  “The point is that while I feel an attraction to guys, my father would rather I go for a girl.”

  “Ah, classic dilemma, boy likes boy, but boy can’t tell father because boy worries what father will say.”

  “Or do.”

  “Do you happen to have a brother?” Emilie asked.

  “Yeah, his name is Stephen, we’re twins. Why do you ask?”

  “Twins, that’s rich. Let me guess your brother is an athlete?”

  “Yeah, how’d you know?”

  “My buddy, Chaz, was going through something similar during his coming out process.”

  “Process? Are there twelve steps?” I asked.

  Emilie laughed then said, “Depends on who you ask. High maintenance queens like Chaz, who walk in a sashay way, are the middle child, and has dealt with a bully for the last few years may say so. At first, he was scared but then realized it shouldn’t matter. His older brother, Gabriel, was the star athlete of the family, Chaz on the other hand was more into science, math, and theatre.”

  “Huh,” I said.

  “What?”

  “Kinda sounds like Stephen and me. How did his parents take things?”

  “Not well, they still don’t talk. His brother was supportive. If we are to hang out, as I predict we will because I already plan to ask you to hang out this week, then I’m sure you’ll meet Chaz at some point. Look everyone’s story is different, you can’t predict your outcome by someone else’s experience.”

  “Sounds so easy, if only I could come out and face the wrath of my father.”

  “Parents are always last to know, and most of the time they already know.”

  We sat in silence for a moment. Emilie placed her hand over mine.

  “So, are you gay or not?” Emilie asked.

  I laughed and blushed. “I think I am,” I confessed.

  “I have to hear you say it, otherwise you aren’t really coming out. It’s like the difference between d
ipping your toe into a body of water verses jumping right in.”

  “That’s easy, I grew up in Maine. In Maine you jump right in.”

  “So, take the plunge. Jump in.”

  My heart fluttered. and I forgot how to speak. “I…” I paused, then continued, “I’m gay! I’ve just never done anything with a guy, though I’ve had my chances, so it’s hard to pinpoint my level of gay. But all signs point to yes.”

  “Level of gay.” Emilie quietly laughed out. “What does your heart tell you?”

  Without hesitation I answered, “Follow what my father says is right.”

  Emilie just eyed me. “That never works.”

  “I don’t know, I’m gay and confused.”

  She chuckled. “Well you don’t need all the answers right now. I need to introduce you to Chaz.”

  I was so surprised at how freely I could talk to Emilie, I expected her to hit me. Yell about leading her on. Instead she wanted me to “spill”. I barely knew the girl, yet I could tell this was the start of something better. We stared at each other for a moment then she changed the subject.

  “You’re from Maine?”

  “Yeah, my family just moved here at the beginning of summer. I grew up on an island off the coast called Mount Desert Island. It’s home to Acadia National Park.” I went on to explain the island and showed her some photos.

  “Wow it’s beautiful there.”

  “Yeah, it was an adjustment moving here, but I’ve settled in quicker than I thought.”

  “Change is a wonderful thing you just don’t notice it immediately. Are you going to be a senior?”

  “Junior.”

  “Aren’t you eighteen though?”

  “Yeah, well almost. My brother and I turn eighteen December tenth. Back in Maine you must be five on or before the fifteenth of October when entering kindergarten. Since we missed the cut off, we had to go the following year. We then stayed back in the fourth grade. So, I’ll be nineteen when I graduate. What grade are you in?” I asked.

  “Junior, too. I turn seventeen in a few weeks, crazy to think about.”

  “Eighteen will be no different. I can vote and buy cigarettes that’s about it. What’s high school like here?”

  She divulged all the juicy ins and outs of school. We discovered we’d be attending the same school which was even better. Finally, someone I could call a friend.

  Perhaps you’ll finally grow a pair and come out to your parents… gulp scratch that, maybe it would be easier to tell Scotty how I feel about him. Maybe.

  CHAPTER NINE: UNTIL I DIE

  I looked out over the balcony watching the sun slowly turn from blazing white to hot yellow and admired how it changed the shadows of the buildings and trees.

  It was nearing the end of summer and it had been a while since Scotty and I last saw each other. Since our little date I couldn’t stop thinking about him. However, once he got started on my father’s movie, he didn’t have time for me. He was probably off at some swanky Hollywood party with his arm around some model. He was just being nice when he took me to the fair, there were no ulterior motives to his actions.

  Although it was kind of adorable, he took the time to come see if I was okay. It stands to reason some part of him cared about me, otherwise he would have just called.

  I breathed in the refreshing smell of the ocean once more before pushing myself off the edge of the balcony. I kept the sliding glass door open and flopped down onto my bed. My eyes shut the moment my head hit the pillow. The early morning breeze warmed me. Miraculously I fell asleep.

  § § § §

  I reached for an eggplant-colored polo, dark tan cargo shorts, and the bright red and black DCs I bought with my first pay check. I stripped down and quickly dressed. It was my day off and I didn’t want a moment of it going to waste. Stomping hard on the tail, I popped my skateboard into the air, snatched it up, and headed down the stairs. Taking them two at a time. I grabbed my backpack from the den before heading for the door.

  “I’m going out for a bit,” I hollered to my dad.

  I turned the handle and was about to open the door when he hollered back.

  “Hold up. Scotty called for you. He said he’s got a break from the movie and was wondering if you wanted to hang out today, go see a movie or something.”

  “Cool thanks, I’ll give him a call. Later,” I said setting my skateboard down, skidding away.

  I made my bus just in time and was dropped off at the stop closest to work. The news of Scotty’s call didn’t hit me until I started skating toward the Ocean Front Walk and whizzed by a sign that read: SKATEBOARDS ARE BANNED ON THE WALKWAY. I attempted to ollie over the curb, only to trip and fall on my hands and knees. Pain screamed in my knee, and when I stood, I noticed grit indented into the skin of my kneecap and a small trace of blood. I grumbled to myself and continued onward all the while thinking Scotty wants to see me.

  I skidded to a stop and in perfect style hopped off my skateboard, stomped on the back, and caught it in the air before walking inside Joe’s Hamburger Hut. Sunlight peeked through the bamboo and palm covered awning of the host stand. The restaurant was in full swing considering it was normally a slow day.

  “Hey Kyle!” Bella, the red head in the kitchen yelled from the steel lined handoff window.

  “Hey Bella.”

  I walked past the bathrooms and stopped in the staff lounge. The lounge consisted of a small table for five, a mini fridge, and a sink for cleaning our dishes when we were done eating. A set of staff shelves ran across the wall behind the door, I placed my skateboard on my shelf and walked down the hall to my bosses’ office and knocked on the door.

  “Come in,” Joe called from the other side. I opened the door. “Hiya Kyle. What are you up to today?”

  “Nothing Mr. Morison, just coming in to get my paycheck.”

  “Kyle how many times do I have to tell you, it’s ok to call me Joe.”

  “Yes Mr… Joe.”

  Joe opened the top drawer of his desk and rifled through pay checks. Joe’s a heavy-set man, with extremely tan skin and a kind face. He used to live in the Cayman Islands, where he owned his own business for years with his partner. Then they moved to California and he brought the business with him.

  “Here you go, and remember call me Joe, Mr. Morison is my father.”

  “Thanks. Looks busy today,” I regrettably said.

  “Will be soon, a cruise ship just docked,” he replied.

  I sighed, knowing where this was going.

  “I meant to call you earlier. Do you think you could cover a couple of hours today? I know it’s your day off, but Anna called out. I just need someone long enough to get us through lunch because of the ship. I know it’s short notice,” he paused again looking at my sceptical glare. “I’ll pay you time and a half,” he pleaded.

  “Fine, just let me make a phone call first.”

  “Okay.” he said looking relieved.

  Thank God, I only have a few weeks of this left before I move to weekends. I returned to the staff lounge and searched for Scotty’s name in my phone. I put my phone on speaker, so I could freshen up for work while we talked.

  “Hey Kyle, what’s up?”

  Butterflies teased the inside of my stomach the moment I heard his voice. “You’re on speaker phone. I heard you called.”

  “That I did.”

  Unbeknownst to me, Emilie had snuck in. She poked my sides, causing me to squeal like a little girl. I turned red instantly.

  Scotty laughed. “Are you okay?”

  “Ah yeah, my co-worker just scared me.”

  “Is that him?” Emilie whispered.

  I nodded and gave her the stink eye if she piped in.

  “Hi co-worker, who hasn’t been properly introduced.”

  Emilie quickly snatched my phone. “Hi, I’m Emilie with an ie not y.”

  “Hi, I’m Scotty with a y not an ie.”

  “Oh, I like him.”

  I wrestled for the phone
, but she kept it just out of arm’s length.

  “Nice to sorta meet you,” she continued. “Kyle talks about you all the time.”

  My face went hot, and I charged forward to place my hand over her mouth.

  “Like all… it’s like…. You…” Emilie said each time my hand left her mouth.

  “Stop,” I sternly said to Emilie.

  “You’ll thank me tomorrow when you get your first kiss tonight,” she whispered, handing the phone back to me. “Bye Scotty with a y, I have to get back to work,” she said.

  “Bye Emilie with an ie.”

  I rolled my eyes at Emilie as she blew me a kiss.

  “Sorry about that. Anyway, you called?”

  “I did, what are you doing today?”

  “Just got called into work. Some cruise ship is docked today.”

  “The Queen Elizabeth?”

  “Sure. I’ve got to work for a few hours, you can stop by if you want. You know, if you have time and all. If not, I understand,” I nervously said, holding my breath while I waited for a response.

  “I’d love to see you, it’s no trouble at all.”

  I smiled as wide as my mouth allowed me and had to stop myself from jumping up and down.

  “Yeah of course. Do you know where Joe’s Hamburger Hut is?” I casually asked, composing myself.

  “Yes, I used to go there all the time. It’s near the Santa Monica Pier, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  Joe peered around the corner and interrupted our conversation. “Kyle, we need you now!”

  “Okay. Hey, I got to go, see you later.”

  “Later.”

  I snapped the phone shut and headed out to the front podium and waited to seat customers.

  “Hello, how are you today?” I said to a few tourists who walked by.

  I looked out over the beach and watched surfers as they caught some waves. Scattered all over the beach were an array of differently styled beach umbrellas. All sprouting out of the sand like the palm trees growing where the board walk ended, and beach began.

  I noticed two surfers’ who caught my eye. The guy looked familiar. I watched as he slid his shoulders out of his wet suit and let the suit fall to his sides. His partner, a female, began to braid her hair. They carried their surf boards across the boardwalk and heaved them into the sand near my stand.