by Ann Bryant
The trouble was, I couldn’t hear the music well enough in my head and I didn’t dare go into the sports hall to play the CD, in case anyone came in and wondered what on earth I was doing. In the end, I waited till the whole block had been deserted for a good ten minutes. I knew I could be sure by then that no one would disturb me, because it was half past six and it wouldn’t be worth anyone coming into the sports hall before supper.
So in I crept.
Chapter Seven
At first when I pressed play on the CD player and the music blared out, I went into a big panic and quickly turned it down, as it seemed far too loud for the hall. I guessed that was because I was all alone in such a vast room, so the background of silence was deeper than when there’d been loads of people in here.
I set the volume just loud enough to hear the music, then kicked off my shoes and took up my position on the pretend stage. I had to imagine I was en pointe like Abi, because I’d never done any pointe work, but it didn’t matter. All that seemed to matter at that moment was feeling the dance that I’d just created for Abi coming alive. It was brilliant. There were no mirrors, no piano, no rosin box, no barres, no one judging me. I was back in my secret, private world, free to dance just for myself. I soon came to the end of the steps I’d worked out, and just carried on, making up more steps as I went along, dancing and dancing away without stopping.
And when the track finished, I put it on again, only this time I found myself dancing some of the steps of the original main part that I’d seen Olivia and Abi do. Then as the music came to a close, I did a big finish in the balance position that poor Abi hadn’t been able to manage with her injured leg. My supporting leg felt strong and I held the position even after the last note had faded, because I was desperate to hold on to this moment for as long as possible. I don’t know how long I would have stood there if the sound of clapping hadn’t startled me and made me lose my balance.
Heart hammering, I turned to see Kate standing in the doorway. She came rushing over to me, crinkling with smiles. “I don’t know your name, but whoever you are, that was a-may-zing!”
My mouth felt dry. It was lovely of her to give me such a compliment, but I was still totally embarrassed and upset at being discovered in the middle of my private world.
“Th…thank you.”
“So what’s your name?”
“Izzy.”
“Izzy! Wow!” Kate laughed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean, Wow, Izzy, what a name! I meant wow to the incredible dancing. Does Miss Morgan know about you? Does anyone know about you? I mean, why hasn’t Miss Morgan ever mentioned you? She often talks about girls in the junior ballet club.”
“I…I’m not in the ballet club.”
“Not in the club! Why not? I’ll tell Miss Morgan! In fact I’ll tell her right now…”
“No!” I couldn’t help blurting it out and I think I gave Kate a shock, because her eyes filled with alarm at the panic in my voice.
“No?” She looked at her watch and her expression softened. “No, you’re right. She will have gone home. And actually we should be going to supper. I came back for the CD so I can practise in my boarding house. I’m not very supple…” Kate suddenly stopped mid-sentence and her eyes gleamed. She was staring at me as though she’d seen a ghost, but not a scary ghost – more a ghost she’d been dying to see. She spoke in a breathless whisper. “I’ve had the most amazing idea…”
Something told me I wasn’t going to like this idea one little bit.
“You could dance Abi’s part!” The whisper turned to an excited flood of words. “You looked just as good dancing it in flats as Abi did en pointe, so that wouldn’t be a problem. Olivia and Maria can stay in the roles they were originally given, because they look totally balanced like that and neither of them are anywhere near as good as Abi at her part anyway. That means I wouldn’t have to be in the dance at all, so I won’t let everyone down with my substandard dancing, and, hey presto, we have lift off! Woo!”
Kate’s voice had risen to an excited whoop and then she grabbed both my hands and started dancing me round, sounding a bit like my friends but with a slightly different rhyme. “Izzy, whizzy, let’s get dizzy!”
I couldn’t help giggling. She was just so funny with her crazy happiness. But another part of me was scared stiff, and I let go of her hands and spoke in a gabble to make sure she really realized she had to forget her idea.
“Miss Morgan doesn’t think I’m very good. I mean, she’s right. I’m not. Abi’s miles better than me. A million miles…obviously… She’s a senior.”
I broke off, because Kate was shaking her head slowly and staring at me as though I was melting away and she just couldn’t grasp what was going on. “Miss Morgan doesn’t think you’re very good?” she asked, her face wrinkled up with bewilderment. She shook her head again and spoke slowly, emphasizing every word. “She cannot have seen you.”
“She did. You see, I used to do ballet but I’ve given it up now.”
Kate blinked, then gave herself a little shake before she fixed me with that same bewildered stare. But a moment later it disappeared. “Oh I get it! It’s the thought of taking over a senior’s part, isn’t it? Listen, you mustn’t worry about what the others think, honestly. Miss Morgan’s the only one that matters.” She glanced at the clock. “I’ve got to shoot back to my dorm before supper, but let’s talk about it on the way.” Now she was rushing over to the CD player and ejecting the CD, and then she was back with me, smiling and ushering me out of the door. “Look, all you have to do is turn up at the theatre after school tomorrow and you can show Miss Morgan and the others how you dance, exactly like you did just then. And I swear they’ll be totally knocked out, and Miss Morgan can decide what’s best!” She turned to me, eyes bright. “How’s that for a plan?”
I suddenly realized Kate had stopped walking and was waiting for my answer because she was about to go off in another direction from the dining hall. I had to speak. I had to make her understand that there was no way I could just turn up at the theatre the next day. That I’d rather die than do that.
“I’ve…got gym club tomorrow.”
“It doesn’t matter if you miss clubs. Honestly. The teachers always say that if you’ve got something else going on, like a match or a rehearsal or something, you’re allowed to miss clubs.”
I swallowed. “But, you see, I don’t really want to dance with the seniors when I’m not even in the junior ballet club…”
“Yes, but you should be. I don’t get why Miss Morgan hasn’t mentioned you to us lot when she’s seen you dance.” Kate looked at me carefully. “What did she actually say when she saw you?”
I looked down, trying to block out the awful memory. But I had to explain to Kate or she’d make me come to the theatre the next day and that would be unbearable. “She asked me if I wanted to have another go, but I didn’t want to.”
“What do you mean?”
“She…didn’t think I was very good.” My mind swung back to the Royal Ballet audition and I suddenly had to end this conversation. “I’d better go. Sorry…”
As I was walking away, Kate called after me, “Are you sure you won’t just come along, Izzy?”
I turned round, but only for a second. “Yes, I’m sure. Sorry.”
At lunchtime the next day, I saw Kate sitting down at a table just beside where Sasha and I were queuing. I didn’t want her to notice me, because I was scared she might try to persuade me to go to the theatre again. Then Sasha would ask what we were talking about and she’d get to hear the whole story and she’d be sure to try and persuade me to do what Kate suggested.
I deliberately pointed out a picture to Sasha that was on the far wall of the hall, so we could turn right away from Kate.
“That’s been there for ages, Izzy!” said Sasha, looking confused. “Have you only just noticed it?”
“No…but I’ve only just noticed how good it is.”
We were shuffling along in the queue as we stare
d at the picture, and any minute now we’d be past Kate, thank goodness. But then Sasha suddenly swung round the other way and pointed across the hall. “Look, that picture’s even better. I love the colours, don’t you?”
I had to look, and I could feel that Kate’s eyes were on me.
“Hi, Izzy.”
I swallowed and pretended I’d only just seen her. “Oh, hi!”
But then she was back into the conversation that was going on at her table and I relaxed. It was incredible. She hadn’t said anything at all about dancing or ballet or rehearsals.
As I sat down at a table with the rest of my dorm and ate the delicious chicken chasseur, with my eyes on Kate across the room, a new wave of relief flooded over me. I’d never imagined she’d let the subject of me dancing go, just like that. But she must have had second thoughts and decided it was simply too late for me to join in the senior’s dance now, when there was only a week and a bit left to go. Or maybe Abi’s leg was better. Whatever it was, I was off the hook.
But I was still left with a mixed-up feeling inside my head. I suddenly realized I didn’t mind the thought of watching the dance show any more. I knew I’d feel emotional when it came to the ballet dance, but not in the kind of unbearable way I would have felt a few days ago. Something had changed. It wasn’t so urgently important to keep my past completely shut out now. It was…weird.
All my friends were buzzing with chatter about how great the show was going to be, what with dressing up and being entertained all evening, and all the different sorts of dancing. Some Year Eights at the next table chimed in that whenever there’s an event at Silver Spires for the whole school, it’s always really exciting and buzzy, simply because of everyone being there. One girl said it was like suddenly having your whole family – with all your cousins and aunties and uncles and grandparents – for Christmas when you’d not seen them for ages. At first that thought gave me a little stab of sadness, as I remembered that Claire wouldn’t be around over the Christmas holidays. But once I got over that, I actually started looking forward to the show.
“See that girl there,” said Emily, breaking into my thoughts and pointing with her fork.
All five of us tried to follow the direction of her fork, but it was Bryony who pointed out that there were at least fifty possible girls that Emily might have meant.
“Come on, Ems, give us a clue!” she said, laughing.
“That one there!” said Emily. “She’s talking to the girl next to her right now.”
“Well that brings it down to about twenty possibles,” said Bryony.
“Blonde hair…laughing…not laughing any more…putting her fork in her mouth…” said Emily, giving us a running commentary.
“You mean Natalie!” said Antonia.
“I don’t know her name!” said Emily.
“What about her, anyway?” said Bryony, sounding exasperated.
“She’s dancing a flamenco dance all on her own at the show. You know, with castanets and everything! I heard her telling someone.”
I looked at Natalie and thought how brave and talented she must be. Or maybe she was simply full of confidence. I supposed that if you had bags of confidence, it wouldn’t matter if you weren’t absolutely brilliantly talented. But then as soon as I’d had that thought, I disagreed with myself. No, you had to have talent as well as confidence. If you were performing in front of an audience, you had to be the best. I remember Miss Amelia telling us that before every show I ever did. It was the thing that made me more nervous than anything. What if I wasn’t the best? How could we all be the best?
As usual, I didn’t like these memories, so it was a relief when Nicole turned to Emily.
“It’s not like you to take such a big interest in someone dancing, Emily!”
Emily looked indignant. “I was only thinking how nice it’ll be for Antonia to see someone doing an Italian dance.”
We all burst out laughing and poor Emily sat there looking confused and even more indignant. “What’s wrong with that?”
“The flamenco is a Spanish dance!” Bryony spluttered. “Get it right, Ems!”
I’d love to be like Emily. She’s got the kind of pale skin that goes with her red hair and that goes pink easily, but she never seems to worry about it. She just laughed at herself. “Well, Spain’s a bit nearer to Italy than England is, isn’t it, so I expect you’ll still enjoy it, Antonia.”
And Antonia leaned over and awkwardly tried to give Emily a hug. “Yes, I weell love it!”
All through afternoon lessons, the six of us kept on remembering Emily’s mistake and breaking out into giggles, which didn’t go down very well with the teachers. And even when Sasha and I went to gym club we couldn’t quite forget it.
It wasn’t till gym club was over and we’d got changed and spent ages looking for Sasha’s missing sock – which turned up in her skirt pocket for some unknown reason – that my lovely happy mood melted away. We were just going past the window in the main corridor when Sasha suddenly stopped and looked thoughtful. “Do you want to try out a few dance steps now there’s no one here?” she asked in a gentle voice.
I didn’t exactly freeze, but I felt a horrible fear. First Mrs. Truman had caught me dancing in the sports hall, then yesterday it was Kate. I couldn’t risk it a third time. It would just be tempting fate.
“I can’t. Mrs. Truman might come in,” I quickly said.
“No she won’t. There’s no senior gym club this week.”
“How do you know that? Are you sure?”
She nodded and smiled.
I looked through the window at the beautiful empty floor and remembered how much I’d loved dancing on that pretend stage the day before. Mrs. Truman had used some great music for our cool-down at the end of gym club and it might still be in the CD player. My legs were suddenly itching to dance.
“Okay,” I said quietly, feeling that any louder might break the spell.
Sasha’s eyes did their own little dance. “Come on, then.”
A few moments later, I was moving to the music that we’d just used in gym club, only now it wasn’t a cool-down exercise, it was ballet. I was trying out the steps I’d seen Abi and Olivia dancing the day before, then breaking into my own choreography that I’d worked out. They didn’t quite match the music in the same way, but it still worked.
Sasha had turned the volume up high. She insisted that no one would be able to hear, since there was no one around anyway, and I was grateful to her because she’d made me relax for the first time in a long time, and it felt good to have Sasha closer to my secret private world. Not so lonely any more.
Then just when I was doing an échappé sauté, I felt that icy feeling and I knew without looking that Sasha wasn’t the only one watching me. I could see that she was standing tensely and her eyes were big with alarm, so I stopped abruptly and my own eyes flew to the window. There was no one there and I wondered for a second if I was mistaken, but then I remembered the little window, the one I’d used myself only the day before. Of course, I couldn’t see properly, so I immediately turned to Sasha and noticed how pink her cheeks were.
“Is there someone watching me? Why do you look so embarrassed?”
She bit her lip, and her eyes did the smallest of darts towards the door. A second later the door opened and in came Kate with Miss Morgan. I stared at them, not knowing what to say or do.
“Sorry, Iz,” said Sasha faintly, staring at the floor.
“You mean…you…knew they were watching?” I managed to stutter.
She didn’t reply, because Miss Morgan was talking hurriedly. “Izzy, I don’t think you did yourself justice the other day, you know. You’re really very, very talented.”
Suddenly I felt completely trapped, with nowhere to go. Even Sasha had been a traitor. My throat seemed to be closing and I knew I was going to cry. And then I did. I couldn’t help it.
Kate came rushing across to me and put her arm round my shoulder. “Hey! What’s all this? You�
��re great. I just had to tell Miss Morgan to come to you, as you wouldn’t come to her.” She patted my arm, then let her hand drop, but she was trying to get me to look at her and I felt pathetic and babyish.
“Look, Izzy,” Miss Morgan cut in. “I know you get very nervous about dancing in front of people, but you shouldn’t, you know. You should be proud of yourself, with all this talent. You really are…exceptional.”
Was I? Did she mean it? The words were starting to feel as though I ought to be believing them, but how could I? If it was true that I was exceptional then I would have got into The Royal Ballet School, wouldn’t I? The path that led to my dream coming true.
Miss Morgan was looking at me gravely. “I really would like it if you’d agree to help out the senior ballet club, Izzy, because it looks as though Abi’s strain is something more than that, and I’ve just seen how much of their dance you seem to have absorbed. It’s incredible. I know you’re good enough to join the group and the girls will be delighted. Really.”
“Especially me!” said Kate. “Say you’ll do it, Izzy. Please!”
I looked at Sasha. She was silent. No wonder. She must have still been feeling embarrassed. But that was nothing compared to what I was feeling, because something really awful had occurred to me. Maybe it wasn’t just that Sasha knew I was being watched. Maybe it was worse than that, and she’d set me up deliberately. I just hoped and prayed that she hadn’t. Best friends don’t do that to each other.
But mixed in with all that hurt was my confusion. Miss Morgan and Kate were being so kind and complimentary, and Kate looked desperate for me to say yes. And suddenly I just didn’t have the energy to fight any longer.
“Okay,” I managed, in scarcely more than a whisper.
“Yessss!” said Kate.
And Miss Morgan took both my hands in hers and said, “Well done, Izzy. Come to the theatre tomorrow after school and we’ll try out some ideas.”
