by Ann Bryant
Chapter Eight
I went to bed that night feeling miserable because of what had happened when Sasha and I had left the sports hall. Almost as soon as we were out of the door, something had suddenly clicked in my mind about her sock turning up in her skirt pocket. It couldn’t have got there on its own. No, it was definitely all part of a plan. Sasha needed to make sure we were last to leave the changing room. Why? Because she’d set me up. She’d given the game away when she’d said that Mrs. Truman wouldn’t be coming back as there was no senior gym club. How did Sasha know that unless she’d spoken to a senior? And of course, I knew now exactly who that senior was. Kate.
It didn’t matter that Kate thought I was good. It didn’t even matter that Miss Morgan thought I was good. The Royal Ballet School didn’t. All that mattered was that I’d never get my dream. And Sasha shouldn’t have betrayed me. She shouldn’t.
As I lay in bed, unable to sleep, I remembered how I’d rushed off down the corridor from the sports hall, calling sarcastically, “Thanks very much, Sasha. What a great friend you turned out to be!” and how Sasha had called after me in a voice that was nearly crying, “Yes, but, Izzy, I didn’t…” Only I’d never turned back to find out what she was going to say. And then I’d deliberately sat on my own in supper, and as far away as possible from her during prep. And even though she’d tried to get me to listen to her twice more before bedtime, I’d told her I didn’t feel like talking. So in the end, she’d had to give up. And that was when I realized how miserable I was. It was awful not being friends with Sasha, and it was also awful seeing the others watching us with big wondering eyes, as though they weren’t sure whether to interfere or not.
I knew I’d been far too quick to get angry with Sasha, and lying in bed now, going through all that had happened, I knew really that she’d never want to hurt me. Whatever she’d planned with Kate, she probably thought it was for the best. So I made a resolution to say I was sorry first thing in the morning.
But when the morning came I couldn’t do it, because something had changed overnight. Sasha must have given up on trying to apologize to me and wouldn’t even look at me. It was awful. I never knew how much I relied on her friendship until I didn’t have it.
So all through the morning I had a miserable time, latching on to Emily and Bryony because Sasha seemed to be going round with Nicole and Antonia. There was an awkward and embarrassing atmosphere whenever all six of us were together, because the other four were trying to pretend that everything was normal and yet it so wasn’t.
By lunchtime I felt sick with nerves about going to the rehearsal that evening in a theatre I’d never even seen before and having to dance in front of a group of seniors including Olivia and Maria. Then after lunch, I went back to Forest Ash to drop off some books I didn’t need for afternoon school and to collect a top that I thought would do for the ballet rehearsal, and also my tracky bums because I had absolutely no idea what I was supposed to wear as it hadn’t even been mentioned. And it was when I was just about to key in the code to open the main front door to the boarding house, that out came Maria and Olivia.
“Oh, it’s you. What’s this we’ve been hearing about you coming to the rehearsal?” Maria said, giving me a cold look.
There didn’t seem to be an answer to that question, so I just mumbled something about Miss Morgan asking me.
“Or was it Kate?” asked Olivia. “That girl’s got some kind of complex that she isn’t good enough to dance in the show. But she is. Experience counts for a lot in the world of ballet.”
“Counts for everything,” agreed Maria.
Olivia was still holding the Forest Ash door open for me, because if she let it go, it would shut and I’d have to key in the code to open it again. But she suddenly asked abruptly, “Are you coming in, or what?”
“Oh yes…” I hurried inside and realized that that was the end of the conversation. But just from the little they had said, it was obvious that Maria and Olivia didn’t want me at the rehearsal, and basically thought I was far too young and inexperienced.
Their words kept on coming back to me throughout the afternoon, and by the time lessons finished I was a nervous wreck, wishing and wishing that Sasha and I were friends so I could ask her to come with me to the theatre. It would all seem so much easier with Sasha beside me.
Usually by the end of French, which is the last lesson, I’m desperate to get out of the classroom and stretch my legs and move my whole body after an afternoon of mainly sitting. But today I didn’t have any urge to go tearing out of the classroom at all.
I glanced in Sasha’s direction. Her face seemed paler than usual and her eyes looked big and anxious. Madame Poulain, our French teacher, was asking Nicole, who’s a technical wizard as well as being so clever at everything else, if she’d mind helping her with a PowerPoint presentation that she was putting together. Madame Poulain wasn’t sure how to set up the program, and wondered if Nicole might be able to help. Sasha and Antonia asked if they could stay behind too and Madame Poulain seemed really pleased to have so many volunteers. But I was sad, because I’d made another decision to apologize to Sasha, no matter what, as soon as French finished, and now I couldn’t.
As I wandered off sadly, I turned back just once, and our eyes met for a second before we both looked away. And I know it’s stupid, but at that moment I felt as though Sasha could tell I was sorry for being horrible. I hoped so anyway.
The walk across to the theatre was awful. My legs felt so shaky, I doubted I’d be able to dance a single step, but I kept reminding myself that Miss Morgan thought I was exceptional. I also tried to hold in my mind a picture of Kate punching the air and saying “Yesss!” I think it was only these memories that stopped me from turning and running away.
It took all my courage to push the theatre door open, but the moment I stepped into the auditorium, there was Kate flying over to me with her lovely big friendly smile. She grabbed my wrist and pulled me across to the stage. “Here she is, everyone! Here’s the little genius!”
I felt all squirmy inside when I heard those words and when I’d finished staring around at the incredible theatre, which was so grand and like something out of the West End, I realized that the rest of the seniors were eyeing me as though I was a disgusting wriggly specimen in the science lab that they had to study through their microscopes.
Miss Morgan didn’t seem to be anywhere around and I so wished she’d quickly appear and give instructions and take control of everything. But she didn’t, and instead it was Olivia who took charge.
“Well, I don’t know what role Miss Morgan thinks Izzy’s going to dance, because if Abi’s leg is still bad, then obviously I’ll be the one taking over her role and someone else will be doing mine.”
No one else said a word, so Olivia carried on, raising her voice and gabbling a bit as though she had to get people to see things from her point of view. “And yeah, we all know Kate doesn’t want to dance my part, but can you imagine how stupid it would look with Izzy dancing it? I mean, even if she knew all the steps and everything, and even if she could actually dance them properly, she’s supposed to be a kind of mirror of Maria, and that wouldn’t work, would it? They’re completely different sizes.”
Something had rushed into my body as Olivia had been talking, like a tornado that was whizzing round and round in the tightest knot just under my ribs in the place where Miss Amelia always told us to centre ourselves. I hated the way Olivia was addressing everyone as though I wasn’t even there.
And then Maria took over, and the others all began nodding as she talked. “And if Abi’s leg is better, which I reckon it will be, then there isn’t any need for anyone extra anyway. It’s pointless adding bits for no reason, because we don’t have time to practise more steps, do we?”
“Never mind, Izzy,” said another girl, giving me a nice smile. “It’s great that we’ve got a junior coming through. Maybe you can dance your own little solo before our dance.”
Th
e knotted tornado stopped spinning for a short while, because at least someone had actually talked to me instead of talking about me. But with every word that was spoken, I’d felt more and more like a silly little kid thinking I could join in with the big girls, with no idea that I wasn’t up to their standard.
“Hang on a sec, Leanne,” said Kate. “Let’s see what Miss Morgan says, shall we? I don’t think you realize how good Izzy is.”
“Yeah, I’m sure she’s brilliant,” said another girl, who I thought was called Rachel, “but—”
“She’s only a junior,” finished off someone else.
So now I knew that just about everyone, apart from Kate, thought it was an altogether ridiculous idea to have me joining in with their dance. And I wished a magic carpet could drop through the ceiling and the tornado inside me could whip me up and away from this theatre in a flash.
But instead of that happening, the door opened and in came Miss Morgan.
“Is Abi coming?” “How’s Abi’s leg?” “Is she going to be able to dance now?” came a general chorus.
I felt so spare standing there clutching my bag, and I kept my eyes on Miss Morgan, praying that she’d just quietly tell me that Abi was fully recovered so I wasn’t needed after all and I could go. But she didn’t. Instead, she put her hands up as though to show that she was about to make an important announcement. Then she came and stood right beside me.
“This is Izzy Carter, everyone.” She turned and gave me a warm smile. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you arrived, Izzy, but I had to speak to Miss Pritchard about rehearsal timings for the theatre.” We all waited. “Now, girls, Kate and I watched Izzy dancing after her gym club yesterday and I have to say it was most impressive. You’ll see what I mean in a moment. But first I want Izzy to watch you dancing. I shall take Abi’s role myself for the moment, so we can keep the sense of symmetry we’ve got with Olivia and Maria mirroring each other, and Rachel, Leanne, Mimi and Debra balancing each other too.”
Looks shot like lasers amongst the girls as they took up their starting positions and Kate went across to put the music on.
“So isn’t Abi coming?” Olivia asked in a sulky voice.
“She’s seeing a sports injury specialist at the moment, but I’m sure she’ll be along shortly. In the meantime…” Miss Morgan pointed to a seat in the front row of the auditorium. “Sit yourself down here, Izzy.” Then she took up her own position in the middle of the stage and I drew my knees up and hugged them tight.
Watching Miss Morgan dance made me feel as though I was at Covent Garden. I’ve been there quite a few times to see The Royal Ballet Company dance, and I felt sure Miss Morgan was just as good as the dancers in that company, because she looked stunning on the stage and somehow made the others look better too. Olivia and Maria seemed lost in the dance, really extending their legs and holding their positions, and the four girls I didn’t really know were perfectly in time with each other, which is so hard to do in ballet. There was no way the audience could think this dance was anything other than wonderful.
As they finished I broke into applause without thinking. Miss Morgan smiled at me and so did the girls at the back, but Olivia and Maria started talking to each other about some of the steps, as though I wasn’t even there. Then a second later Olivia shot me a horrible look.
Miss Morgan was catching her breath, because Abi’s part is really demanding and uses the whole stage. “Now,” she said, “it’s very daunting for someone as young as Izzy to come into this situation with all you seniors, and be expected to dance just like that, so let’s start with a few steps all together like a class, so Izzy can warm up.”
My whole body trembled at the thought of what was coming. “I don’t have any ballet shoes or tights or anything,” I said, praying that this might put a stop to all this, as then I wouldn’t have to look at Olivia’s and Maria’s mean expressions any more.
“I thought that might be the case,” said Miss Morgan. “But don’t worry, I’ve brought spare leotards and tights, and I’ve got the right size shoes here.” She handed everything to me. “Pop into the wings and get changed as quickly as you can.”
I did as I was told, and all the while I could hear talking in fierce whispers going on in the auditorium, though I couldn’t make out what was being said. And then the music started up again and I heard dancing feet, which I preferred to the sound of those cross voices, because I was totally sure they were talking about me. It was obvious no one except Kate wanted me here. I should never have agreed to come.
Creeping out of the wings, I reminded myself of a deer I’d once seen on a nature programme. It had been chased for miles until finally it was exhausted, but there was nowhere to hide. It was surrounded by lions and they were about to go in for the kill. I looked round at the girls, some practising onstage, two of them talking with Kate in the auditorium, and my body felt tired, with nothing more to give, like that poor deer.
“Right, Izzy,” said Miss Morgan. “As we don’t have barres in here, we’ll do a few pliés in the centre. Prepare in first position, please, everyone.”
In a flash, all the girls had found a space on the stage and I joined in, sinking into demi pliés and then full ones, following Miss Morgan’s counts. It was so long since I’d worn a leotard and tights, and I loved the feeling of recovering something so familiar that had been missing. After clumsily trying to practise in my school uniform or my tracksuit, this felt wonderful. It was as though I was back in class with Miss Amelia, before I ever did the audition for The Royal Ballet. Before anyone ever told me I was a failure. I still felt as if I was surrounded by lions, but I wasn’t quite so weak now.
After that we did a few battement tendus and grands battements, then Miss Morgan turned to me.
“Izzy, I know you know the first part of Abi’s role, because I saw you dance it. Would you like to try it now?”
Someone tutted just loudly enough for me to hear. I was sure it was Olivia.
I gulped and walked to the centre of the stage, as Rachel and Leanne said, “Hang on a sec, we want to watch,” and rushed down into the auditorium, followed by Mimi and Debra. So that just left Maria and Olivia, who had strolled to one side of the stage. Maria sat down cross-legged and Olivia folded her arms and tipped her head to one side. I only glanced at her for a second, but I could see her eyes were cold and unfriendly.
“What’s she doing Abi’s part for?” Olivia asked Miss Morgan in an accusing tone. “Are you saying that I’m not doing it now?”
“Look, Olivia,” said Miss Morgan, with a sigh, “it might well be that the specialist says it won’t harm Abi to continue using her leg even when it hurts a bit, in which case she can dance the role herself. But until we know that for sure, I don’t want to waste a single second of this valuable rehearsal time, because if she’s not able to dance then we need a plan B. Now you know as well as I do that Kate’s heart isn’t in it, so unless we completely change the choreography, which would take a lot of time and effort, then we need to juggle with what we’ve got. As you’ll see in a minute, Izzy is an amazingly talented dancer, but obviously she’s very small, so she can’t just slot into the role dancing opposite Maria or we’d lose the symmetry.”
Olivia sighed slowly and closed her eyes as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. My head was spinning with thoughts and feelings. Poor Miss Morgan was just trying to make sure her ballet dance at the show was a success, and there wasn’t time to change everything around. But Olivia must have hated the thought of giving up the lead role, especially to someone as young as me. This was the most awful position to be in. I’d finally accepted that Miss Morgan really did believe I was good, but now I had another test to pass. And it just seemed like one test too many. How ever was I going to dance a single step with such curious and hostile eyes on me? But I had to. Kate was about to press play. The music was going to start at any second. What if I messed up? It would be too awful to bear.
I turned out my right foot and s
tretched my left foot into a dégagé, then prepared my arms and took a deep breath to try to slow my heart down. And at that very moment the door opened and there stood Sasha. Our eyes met and she gave me a big smile and stuck both her thumbs up.
Immediately my whole body seemed to come to life and the energy soared up my legs to my shoulders and raced down my arms, as I held my head a little higher. I felt lighter and stronger, because I’d got my best friend back.
So I began, and I danced all the first sixty-four bars of Abi’s role and then I couldn’t remember what came next. But I only wavered for a second before I was back on track again, feeling in control. And the freedom of that feeling was the most wonderful thing ever. I could have danced and danced and danced, and all the while I kept a picture in my mind of Sasha’s bright smile. It outshone Olivia’s mean face easily. Nothing could touch me. Nothing, except for a small jarring sadness when the music came to the end and I finally had to stop dancing.
Then there was only my breath rushing into the silence. But a second later Kate was whooping and Miss Morgan and the girls in the auditorium were clapping loudly and Sasha had run right onto the stage to give me a hug. But over her shoulder I saw Maria and Olivia roll their eyes at each other and walk off into the auditorium, where they sat in the fourth row as though they didn’t want anything to do with me.
“You were magic!” whispered Sasha into my ear, before she went across to join Kate.
Miss Morgan came over, put her hand on my shoulder and looked right into my eyes. “Lovely, Izzy. Well done!” Then she turned to the others and broke into a big smile. “I think maybe you see what I mean now, girls!”
A lot of chatter broke out then, and I didn’t know where to look, so in the end I wandered off the stage with my head down.
But that was when Abi walked in, and everyone fell on her.
“What did the specialist say?”
