by Ann Bryant
“Is your leg okay now?”
“Can you dance?”
I knew what Abi was going to say before she spoke a word, because she looked so sad. “Apparently I’ll really damage my hamstring if I do any of the extensions. So I’ve promised I won’t dance until after the holidays, unless the choreography is completely changed so there aren’t any extensions at all for my left leg.” Then Abi noticed me. “Oh good! Kate said you’d agreed to come along.” But she only managed the smallest of smiles.
“Bad luck, Abi,” said Miss Morgan. She patted Abi’s back and kept her hand there for a moment. “You’ll be back to fighting fitness next term.”
“I just feel as though I’m letting you down,” said Abi.
“Don’t be silly. It’s not your fault.”
Olivia got up out of her seat and went across to Abi. “It won’t be half as good without you,” she said in her forthright voice. Then she strolled back to Maria, flinging a horrible look in my direction as though to make quite sure that I knew what she meant about it not being half so good without Abi. But I understood all too well what she was trying to say. And it hurt.
Chapter Nine
After the rehearsal, Sasha and I talked and talked. I thanked her like mad for coming to the theatre and told her I was really sorry I’d been so horrible to her.
“I hated that you were so upset about what I did, Izzy,” she said softly. “I just wanted to help. I knew something was wrong and I didn’t know what, but I really wanted to make things right for you. It’s so obvious that you love ballet, because whenever you talk about it, you kind of light up.”
I was really grateful to Sasha and I felt as though this was the moment when I should be trying to explain to her about my past. But I couldn’t do it. I would have had to say the “fail” word, and I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t know if I’d ever be ready. So I just nodded and said, “Thank you.”
Then when we walked back from supper that evening, Sasha said, “Everyone thought you were great at the rehearsal today, it was obvious!”
“Olivia and Maria didn’t.” I sighed. “They want either Olivia or Miss Morgan to do it.”
“Just ignore Olivia and Maria.” Then Sasha reminded me what had happened after Abi’s announcement. Olivia and Maria had actually suggested the idea of Miss Morgan taking the lead role permanently, but Miss Morgan had insisted she definitely wasn’t going to be in the dance and that rehearsals should continue with me. Then Abi had sat down to watch the rest of the rehearsal. “I was right next to Abi in the audience, Izzy, and she told me she really loved the way you danced the role. And so did I. You just got better and better. You’d learned the whole thing by the end of the session.”
“But I still don’t feel right about dancing with the seniors.” I remembered that I’d be seeing Miss Morgan on my own after lunch the next day, because she’d asked me to go to a special extra practice. “Maybe I should tell Miss Morgan that I feel out of place with the seniors, and see what she says.”
“No,” said Sasha firmly. “Just leave everything as it is. It’ll be fine.”
Poor Sasha. She was probably getting fed up with me and my silly anxieties. “Sorry, Sash. I won’t mention it again.”
She linked her arm through mine. “If only Maria and Olivia weren’t so mean.”
“I know.”
After prep, the others went up to the dorm, but I went along to the internet room to e-mail Mum. I suddenly felt like pouring out the whole story to someone who was close to me but wasn’t at this school. I felt sure it would help me to sort out my anxieties and hopefully make me feel better.
But when I went to write the e-mail, I found there was one from Max.
Hi Iz,
Hope you’re okay. Still missing Claire. Pathetic, isn’t it? Thinking I might give her a ring. Not sure though. Holly sends love. So do M and D.
Max xx
I couldn’t help feeling another little burst of happiness at the way Max kept asking my opinion. Well, he hadn’t exactly asked for it, but he was telling me what he was thinking of doing, and that was amazing, considering how he always used to keep me in my place. It was like I’d suddenly grown up in his eyes. I thought back to the conversation I’d had with my friends and remembered how Emily had immediately said he ought to phone Claire, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. Good old Emily, thinking of it straight away, when Max was only just coming round to the idea all this time later. I knew I ought to encourage him, so I quickly wrote back, saying I thought it was a great idea because if he was missing her then he must still want to go out with her.
It was when I was about halfway through that the door to the internet room opened and in came Olivia. Immediately I felt myself knotting up inside again. Just the sight of her made me all stiff and shaky.
“Hi,” she said, dropping casually into the seat next to mine and switching on a computer. “So have you…decided what to do?”
She was watching her screen spring into life and she sounded quite bored already. I wasn’t sure what she meant.
“De…decided?”
“Yeah. Have you decided whether to go for the solo or to stick with the seniors?”
I hadn’t even realized I was supposed to be deciding, but now that she mentioned it, perhaps I was. It was true that Miss Morgan had never actually said, Right, Izzy, you’re taking over Abi’s role in the senior ballet club’s dance. And that’s that.
“Er…I’m not sure.”
“Yeah, it’s difficult for you, coming along to a senior club when you’re only Year Seven.”
I didn’t reply, but I could feel myself getting hot. I went back to my inbox and started to read a nice chatty message from my aunty, as there was no way I could concentrate on finishing my e-mail to Max now.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see that Olivia was typing, and when she spoke next it was still in that same casual tone. “It’s not your fault though.”
I stopped reading abruptly. “Wh…what’s not my fault?”
Olivia was shaking her head and looking gravely at the computer and at first I thought it was because of something she’d seen on the screen, but then she carried on about me. “You can’t help being so young. It’s not your fault that you’ve not been dancing as long as the seniors. And that you’re…”
I swallowed and felt my throat hurting. “And that I’m what?”
She suddenly stopped what she was doing and whipped round to look at me properly. I felt like a little kid interrupting the grown-up who was doing something important. “Well, the others were on about how funny it would look with one dancer so much smaller than all the others, that’s all.”
I closed down the e-mail and got up shakily. “I’d better go…”
“Oh…right. See ya then.”
I didn’t say anything to Sasha about that terrible conversation. She would just repeat that I ought to ignore Olivia. But how could I?
That night I lay in bed and tried to put myself in Olivia’s shoes. It was impossible, so I tried to imagine I was one of the others – say, Rachel. How would I feel if a little Year Seven came along and joined in with my senior ballet club dance and then took over the main part?
It was no good – I couldn’t even put myself into Rachel’s head. All I could think about was how magic it had been to let my body do what it wanted to do and dance out in the open, feeling the music lifting me.
But that was selfish and I had to think about the others. Olivia had really spelled it out to me. I didn’t fit in with the seniors. I knew now what I had to do. The very next day I would go and tell Miss Morgan that I didn’t want to join in with their dance.
The following day I didn’t tell Sasha about my decision to talk to Miss Morgan. At lunch, I just asked her to save me a place in music that afternoon in case I was late, then off I went to the theatre. My footsteps were slow and I felt weak with nervousness at the thought of what I was about to say. I took a deep breath as I opened the door.
“
Izzy! Excellent timing! I’ve only just got here myself. And I’ve worked out—”
“Miss Morgan?” I knew I was being rude interrupting her, but if I didn’t say what I had to say immediately, I’d never be able to say it.
“Yes?” She looked startled.
“I’ve decided I don’t want to do Abi’s role. I think I’m too young and not really good enough…”
“Of course you’re good enough! What’s made you have second thoughts, Izzy? You seemed so positive yesterday.”
I’d practised my words and I made sure I spoke firmly so she really knew I meant it. “I agree with the others that it would be better if a senior did it.”
Miss Morgan frowned. “It doesn’t have to be just the senior club or just the junior club or just any club in a routine. There are people doing other sorts of dance in the show who don’t belong to a club at all.”
“But I think Leanne was right and it would be better if I did something separately…”
Miss Morgan sighed. “Come and sit down, Izzy.”
I did as I was told and waited while she stared straight ahead for a few seconds. Then she began to speak. “I want to tell you what I saw when you first danced for me in the ballet studio, Izzy.”
I bit my lip.
“I saw a girl with the most extraordinary talent and the most awful lack of self-confidence, and I thought to myself, I wonder what’s happened to make this girl so full of self-doubt. You looked like a rabbit in the headlights, Izzy, and I hated to see you upset like that, so I let you go. And then I went straight to the headmistress.”
A gasp came out of me. Ms. Carmichael, the Head of Silver Spires, was the only person who knew that I came here because I didn’t get into The Royal Ballet School. I hoped like mad that she’d forgotten. Surely she wouldn’t remember every single detail about every single girl who came to her school.
“Ms. Carmichael looked in the files that she holds about all the students and told me that you’d decided to come to Silver Spires in preference to The Royal Ballet School. That’s all she said, but it was all I needed to know. It explained everything, you see.”
Suddenly I had to put Miss Morgan right. “It wasn’t that I decided to come here instead of The Royal Ballet. I did the audition for The Royal Ballet because it was my dream to go there. But I failed, and…so that’s why I came here.”
At last I’d said it. I hung my head with shame. Now Miss Morgan would realize that I wasn’t good enough to be a professional or to dance with the seniors.
There was a silence that seemed to go on for ages, and then she sighed. “Do you know who you remind me of, Izzy?”
I shook my head and kept my eyes on the ground.
“Me. You remind me of myself. I auditioned for The Royal Ballet when I was your age and I didn’t get in either. I was heartbroken for a while, but I kept up my studies at another ballet school and eventually I became a ballet teacher…”
“You mean you never became a professional dancer?” I was looking straight at her now, because I was so shocked by what she’d said.
“No, but I’ve danced in lots of shows on lots of stages, and I’ve also got a degree in dance studies as well as my teacher’s qualification, and I’m very happy now that I didn’t get into The Royal Ballet.”
Being good enough to dance with The Royal Ballet had been my ambition for so long that I couldn’t believe what Miss Morgan was telling me. “Why?” I blurted out.
“Because the life of a professional dancer is so tough and so very, very restrictive. I’ve got a partner, I’ve got two lovely children, we have fun at weekends – sometimes we all go riding, and I don’t have to worry about getting injured – and I don’t have to make sure I definitely do a class every day. I’ve truly got the best of both worlds. I love to go to ballets and to choreograph dances. And most of all I love the fact that my ballet doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Ballet is just one part of my life. Not all of it.”
I’d been staring so hard at Miss Morgan that my eyes were starting to fill with tears. Or maybe it wasn’t because of staring. Maybe the tears were just ready to come anyway. I had to be sure that I really understood what she was saying.
“So you’re… actually glad you didn’t get into The Royal Ballet?”
She nodded.
“Didn’t you feel like a failure at first?”
“Yes, I did. And then my teacher told me that every year there are only twelve places for girls in Year Seven at The Royal Ballet School and just to be considered good enough to audition meant I was in the top hundred best ballet dancers in the country, so I ought to be happy, and I definitely wasn’t a failure.”
As Miss Morgan spoke, I felt as though a heavy weight was dropping off my shoulders. I couldn’t speak though, because the tears were rolling down my face and I realized I was actually crying. I think it was the relief that suddenly I didn’t have to worry about being a failure any more. I didn’t have to put ballet behind me. I could be like Miss Morgan and have it strongly in my life without it being my absolute whole life.
Miss Morgan smiled at me and held my hand firmly. “Just suppose, Izzy Carter, that The Royal Ballet School phoned your mum right now and said that someone had dropped out, so there was a place for you, because you were number thirteen and only just missed passing the audition by one place. You could pack your bags right now and go to London to The Royal Ballet School. What would you say?”
I felt a terrible sadness filling up my whole body and every corner of my mind. I couldn’t leave Silver Spires. Not now. I loved it. I couldn’t leave all my friends and lovely Emerald dorm. And most of all, I could never leave Sasha. Never.
Miss Morgan was waiting for me to reply. I wasn’t crying any more, so it was easy to speak. “I’d say, No thank you. I prefer it here.”
“Well there you are then.” Miss Morgan squeezed my hand tight, then let it go as she pulled a face at me, pretending to be cross. “Now will you stop thinking you’re a failure and start enjoying ballet again. Dance whenever you can. Join the junior ballet club, let everyone know that ballet is your passion, and most important of all, let’s get on with practising your part for the show!” I did a gulpy breath, the kind you do when you’ve been crying, and Miss Morgan carried on talking, but more seriously again. “You know, Izzy, Abi said that the one good thing about injuring her hamstring was that it gave us the chance to find you. She thinks you are amazingly talented, Izzy, and she wants to work out a special duet for the two of you for next term. She’s full of plans, you know.”
“So she doesn’t mind me taking her place?”
“No, absolutely not. Abi’s a lovely generous soul who just wants everything to be right. It’s true that there are one or two students who will always be jealous of other people’s success, but that’s not your problem, Izzy, so just ignore it.”
“That’s what my friend Sasha said.”
Miss Morgan nodded as she got up. “She’s a very wise friend, in that case. And now, let’s get to work!”
So we did. And I loved every single minute of it.
After school that day, none of us had clubs and we were all just hanging out in the dorm doing nothing in particular. I felt happy, because the others were so relaxed now that Sasha and I were friends again. Not one of them had said a single word about us falling out and no one asked us any questions, they just seemed to accept that whatever was wrong had been put right, and I felt so grateful to all of them for that.
Antonia and Nicole were sitting cross-legged on the carpet, knitting. Antonia said that her grandmother had taught her how to knit at half-term and she was knitting a tank top in a beautiful dark green. But she’d also brought back knitting needles and wool for Nicole to make one exactly the same, only in dark blue. It had been Nicole’s birthday at half-term, and we all thought what a fabulous present it was.
I watched the two of them with their heads so close together studying the knitting pattern, and got a sudden memory of how they’d really no
t liked each other at all at the beginning of term. It was all a huge misunderstanding, but it was really awkward at times for the rest of us until they sorted everything out between the two of them. Then shortly afterwards, Antonia said she wanted us all to have a “truth talk”. Her English wasn’t half so good then as it is now, but we all knew exactly what she meant. She just wanted to confide in us, and the name “truth talk” stuck because it was so sweet.
Bryony and Emily were on Emily’s laptop looking at pictures that she’d downloaded of her pony back home in Ireland. Their heads were close together too, and I thought how amazingly different their hair was – Emily’s in thick unruly auburn waves and Bryony’s short and dark and shiny.
And when my eyes went round to Sasha, who was reading on her bed, I suddenly felt as though these friends of mine should know what Miss Morgan now knew. Especially Sasha.
“Can we have a truth talk?” I asked quietly.
“Of course!” said Antonia, jumping up. Nicole got up straight after her and they both climbed up to my bed.
“Come on!” said Antonia to the others. “Thees ees the bed to belong to!”
It was unusual for Antonia to come out with funny English these days, but no one corrected her or said anything about it, and I guessed they were too busy wondering what it was I wanted to say. We all managed to squash on the bed somehow, then everyone was quiet and five pairs of eyes were all on me.
“I know I’ve been a bit weird about…ballet and everything…”
No one spoke. They all just waited.
“Well, anyway, I think I’m okay now, because I’ve talked to Miss Morgan and she’s kind of in the same boat as me.”
Sasha’s eyes widened.
“She was telling me that when she was my age she auditioned to go to The Royal Ballet School and she didn’t get in, and she felt a failure too…”
I bit my lip and looked at Sasha, because I felt as though I needed someone to speak then. But it was Emily who actually spoke first.
“You mean you nearly went to The Royal Ballet School? My second cousin tried to get in and failed, and he’s a boy! He told me it’s fifty times more difficult for a girl, and your teacher will only ever think of putting you in for that school if you’re mega-brilliant at ballet, you know – like the best in the country!”
