Mended: A Salvation Society Novel

by Gabrielle G.

  “What about your support system? Can you talk to them about your feelings?”

  “I already talked to my friend Quinn. He’s waiting outside for me.”

  “What about the man you are dating?”

  My mind races to Oliver.

  How could he want to have anything to do with me when I risked his life?

  Because of me, Aito could have lost his father.

  Because of me, he could have died.

  “After what happened, I’m positive he won’t want to have anything to do with me. He has a son who almost lost his father because he looked into my past even when he knew the job he was hired to do went nowhere near it. I would never forgive him—someone I barely know—if our roles were reversed.”

  Dr. Saman smiles and shakes her head as if she holds the secret of love.

  “Tessa, this man opened up after losing someone. You opened up after losing someone. You two are more than acquaintances. Sometimes souls recognize each other without any effort. Sometimes souls fall not in love but in intimacy.”

  I frown, trying to understand her words but fail.

  “Let me explain. Loving someone is easy. The butterflies, the desire, the giddiness, it’s addictive. All you want is more of those feelings, so you’ll do anything to get another shot of it. But intimacy, letting the other one in, is the greatest gift. So tell me, do you trust that man? What I mean is, do you like him for who is and not for who you wish him to be?”

  I nod. I won’t change him, I saw his soul bare before me and won’t accept anything else from him.

  “Do you respect the man he is? Do you honor him?”

  I nod again.

  “Are you grateful for who he is? Do you allow him to be unique? And have you let down all the barriers you had around your heart and let him see you for who you are?”

  I nod.

  Without question, Oliver has taken me as a whole, and so did I.

  “So there you have it. Trust, Honor, Gratitude, Allowance, and Vulnerability. You are more than acquaintances who had sex, Tessa. You have intimacy. Something greater than love. Something people who are in love sometimes never get. You can decide to walk away from him, to not let the course of this connection run through but don’t do it because you believe the voices telling you he hasn’t accepted you for who you are and sees the link you share.”

  The next day, I pondered on Dr. Saman’s words and came to the conclusion that even if my connection with Oliver is strong, I can’t continue seeing him after what happened. I don’t believe he could really forgive me or get over the fact he could have died because of me.

  When Mark sent me a text to tell me Oliver was safe in the hospital, it relieved the worry I carried on my shoulder, but not the one I convey in my heart. There are so many obstacles in front of me that I’m not sure I have the strength to overcome them.

  Quinn and I are on the road for me to get my car back from Jenkins, and I’ve been silent, going through the motions of what I should do one step at the time. I refused to talk to my mother, but I saw Andre and asked for an explanation. He gave me what he could. A pile of lies he had been fed over the years and a desire to protect his family. He said he always considered me as a daughter and wishes I will still be a part of his life. Thinking of what Dr. Saman said about what a parent will do for their child, I told him I’d try.

  Thanks to who Andre knows, he won’t be persecuted and will undoubtedly become the Governor of Virginia. His implication was minimal, and even if he had proof of Dereck’s involvement in my father’s death, my mother always was on her guard too much to leave any evidence behind.

  Andre asked me not to go to the media, Oliver decided to not reveal what he knew to protect me and my career, and everyone is letting Crawford deal with the narrative of my father’s death—which can be summed up in four words: Dereck is to blame.

  My mother is not.

  She’s playing the victim card, saying she was the one manipulated by Dereck and not the other way around.

  As usual, Quinn doesn’t leave me to enjoy the silence I crave and interrogates me on my intentions after exchanging small talk on the weather and his child.

  “Are you going to run away?” He asks in his daddy tone, echoing in the car.

  “I don’t think so. I don’t know.” I shrug, looking out the window to avoid eye contact. The only place I would like to run away to is New York, but it will still be running away. “Maybe I need to stay put for a while and deal with my emotions before jumping into something new and take yet another risk.”

  Quinn laughs. “Right… Sounds to me like someone is a chicken.”

  I snap my head toward him, ready to hiss.

  “Did you call me a chicken?”

  “Sure did,” he smiles.

  “Seriously? I try to do the right thing, to deal with what I feel, to work on the amount of crap that has been thrown at me, and you call me a chicken?”

  He shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

  “You’re so full of shit!”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Yep. Tessa VanHorn is Full. Of. Shit. You’re not trying to do the right thing, you‘re trying to hide under the pile of crap that is on your lap. You’re renouncing the only thing that has made your heart beat because you think he doesn’t want you. Newsflash, if you had taken the time to answer his calls, you would have known he’s worried about you, wants to be with you, and see where all this can go. The guy has been blowing my phone up every chance he gets. I resent Mark for having given him my number. I think if he wasn’t still in the hospital for observation, he would have come to your door. So the question is, are you going to jump or stay petrified on the side?”

  Incredible. “You’re an asshole, Quinn. When I want to jump, you tell me not to, and when I want to stay safe, you’re pushing me off the plane, barely handing me a parachute.”

  “I want you to stop avoiding, which is what you have been doing since King died. If I can’t blame you now for avoiding your family, you’ve been dodging your friends, escaping your feelings, and circumventing your responsibilities for a while now. So I’m not letting you watch him walk away just because you’re scared, Murdock. You used to laugh in the face of danger… Go on Simba, find your roar back, and enjoy the ride.”

  “Simba played a big role in killing his father, your analogy is cruel!”

  “But it’s on point. He played a role, yes. But he was manipulated, and it wasn’t his fault. Now would he have remembered who he was without a snap in the head and his beloved Nala? I don’t think so… Oliver is your Nala, and if I have to find a wooden stick for you to be less dumb, I will. I like to think of myself as your Rafiki.”

  “Thinking pretty highly of yourself, I see… You’re my Pumba, Quinn. You smell, you’re a little dumb, but I know you’ll offer yourself as a meal to help me save the kingdom from hyenas.”

  “Not nice,” he shoves my shoulder and pouts.

  “But true,” I laugh.

  While Quinn continues mumbling about my meanness toward him, my mind drifts to Oliver again. Not that he has left my thoughts much over the last few days. Wouldn’t it be crazy and impulsive to uproot my life for a guy I have dated a hot second? Shouldn’t I, at least, meet his son? Do I see myself as a stepmother? Am I ready to jeopardize everything I know and get out of my comfort zone for a man? Am I done taking risks to feel alive? But will I ever feel alive without him?

  While my inner voices scream their misery, Quinn starts singing while tapping on the steering wheel. He’s so out of tune that it takes me a moment to recognize the song.

  “Asante sana Squash banana, Wewe nugu mimi hapana.”

  “Don’t tell me you’re singing the Rafiki song?” I shake my head in disbelief. “I can’t believe Ashton puts up with you…”

  “Who do you think has me hung up on the Lion King? She’s been highly disappointed by the remake not sticking to the original cartoon, so we’ve been watching the 1994 Disney movie over and over.”
r />   “That’s… Wow… I have no words.”

  “Well, I do. Circle of life, Hakuna Matata, you’re a baboon, and I’m not —”

  I interrupt him. “Is that from a BuzzFeed article on the best quotes from the Lion King?”

  “Just remember who you are, Tessa.” He says in a mysterious voice, imitating the dead father of the cub in the movie. “Remember. Who. You. Are.”

  Chapter Thirty

  OLIVER

  “You’re sure you’re going to be okay?” Anna asks for the thousandth time. I find her gaze in the mirror that I’m standing in front of so I can knot my tie and turn around to look at her.

  Worry, unease and apprehension are written all over her face. So not like the sister I know.

  She arrived last night to attend Elaine’s memorial.

  It’s not what we had planned, but after I got kidnapped and roughed up a little, she needed to be here with me.

  I needed her here with me.

  Anna has been my rock more times than I have let her know over the years.

  Even if I hide it a lot, I usually need her like someone visually impaired needs a walking stick.

  Anna is the one who guides me and supports me when times are dark.

  And she was right to think today would be a dark day in my life.

  She was right to lie to me and tell me she wouldn’t come when we both knew she would. She didn’t plan this trip last minute, not with her husband’s mental health and the routine he needs.

  Nonetheless, she’s here. Because that’s what we do for each other.

  But strangely, after all I went through, after finding Tessa and almost dying, my eyes are open, and I ‘m fine with the idea of commemorating the life of the one I used to love.

  Used to.

  I believe the people you once loved always stay in your heart. Even more when they die when you’re still in love with them. But I’m not in love with Elaine anymore. I haven’t been for a long time.

  Who I loved is a ghost who doesn’t exist.

  Who I loved is my version of Elaine and not who she was.

  Never who she really was.

  “I’m glad you’re here sis, but I’m fine. I think it’s time to say a proper goodbye.”

  I wasn’t able to the first time. I was too lost in my sorrows to mend my wounded heart. Too wrapped in my self-blame to really understand the pain of others or their cares. I acted like I was the only one who lost her. I was shattered and nothing could have held me together. Not even the soft arms of Sue or the hugs of Anna.

  “It is,” she smiles. “I’m glad you’re finally ready. Mark has a lot to do with it I bet.” You can be older, wiser, married and still carry a little crush for one of your brother’s friends. She even blushes a little.

  “I have nothing to do with that,” Mark says coming in between Anna and I while wrapping himself around her. I don’t think anything ever happened between them and I don’t want to know but seeing the promiscuity they share, I wouldn’t be surprised.

  “I’m sure you did your part,” she beams and Mark winks at her.

  “Flirty much for married people?” I interrupt.

  “Mark is always flirty.” Anna retorts.

  “And Anna always likes it.” Mark adds.

  I pretend to ignore them.

  “Look at that, someone doesn’t like his friend all over his sister…” Anna teases, “Do you realize you did the same thing that Mark and I just did with every one of my friends?”

  “Everyone but one… I don’t flirt with overly married women,” I grumble.

  “Yeah, strangely the only one who would have left her husband for you and has been hoping for a chance for years, this one you didn’t touch…”

  Mark and Anna laugh as if they’re together on the joke of my love life. I turn back into the mirror and look at myself one more time. Checking that my tie is well knotted, that my hair falls perfectly, that I’m shaved adequately.

  “I don’t think she’s going to be there, Le Pew. You don’t need to look your best.”

  “Oh… Are we talking about the blue-haired girl?” Anna sniffs for details like a dog looking to take a piss.

  “I’m not… Not for her… I’m…” Losing my fucking words. I take a deep breath in and close my eyes for a second. “I’m not doing it for Tessa. I know she won’t be there. She needs time and that’s fine. She hasn’t taken any of my calls nor has she come once to the hospital. I’m not dumb, I know what it means. I just want to look good for Elaine.” And yes in case Tessa decides to show, it can’t hurt to look my best. I fucking miss her and crave her understanding eyes on me. From all the people at the cemetery, she’ll be the only one really knowing what it means to say a proper goodbye, but I can’t ask her to do something she’s not ready or not willing to do.

  It’s not about me.

  It’s about her, and only her.

  I’ve let her down enough times in a short period to respect her wish to have some space when she needs it. Even though the last time I thought she needed some space, she jumped out of bed and almost died.

  My collar tightens up around my neck.

  Heat rushes to my forehead.

  Sweat beads on my temples.

  What if… I don’t even have time to start thinking the worst when Anna rests her chin on my healthy arm and takes my hand.

  “She’s fine, Ol. She might be scared to love you and to take the next step, but I’m sure she’s fine. Right Mark?” My eyes search frantically for confirmation on Mark’s face through the mirror. He nods. And I release the breath I was holding.

  “Let’s go then,” I say in a shaky whisper. And without saying another word, I let Anna and Mark lead the way.

  The cemetery is crowded. More than I thought it would be. I count to twenty before leaving Mark’s car to regroup myself before facing people I haven’t seen in five years. Head down and with fast steps, I join Sue and Pat in the front row. Sue takes a white tulip from the tombstone where Elaine rests and pins it on my jacket.

  “I’m so glad you’re here to say goodbye, Oliver.” She caresses my cheeks and smiles. Same words Anna said. I turn around to look at my sister, slowly putting two and two together.

  “Sue, did you speak with Anna lately?” She sheepishly glances at Pat who quickly looks away. “Sue…”

  “Look Son,” Pat answers for his wife. “We might have heard you were having some issues and when Mark showed up saying he needed help to get you out of the dark hole you had dug yourself into, we decided to find a way to have you back.” He shrugs. “The ends justify the means. You needed to be there. And if Elaine would have hated a memorial, she would have loved us helping you. So we did what we had to do.”

  Tears spring in my eyes.

  I’ve been so stupid, so thoughtless.

  And here are four people who love me more than anything, who did everything they could to help me without me even seeing what they were doing. Pat comes closer and covers my neck with his hand. Slowly he brings my forehead to his shoulder.

  “It’s okay, Son, let it go.”

  Like a child, I fall apart in the arms of the man I wish I had for a father.

  “We would do anything for you, Oliver. We told you before. You’re like a son to us. She chose you for a reason, even though Elaine isn’t there anymore it doesn’t take away that you mean the world to us.” Sue kisses my wet cheek and hands me a tissue.

  “Thank you,” I stammer out between two sobs.

  “You’re welcome,” Pat says, gently tapping the back of my head. “Now let’s find some composure and not put shame on the navy, Son. You need to grow a pair again. Your son already has a rock star as a stepdad, he needs you to show him what a Saman can do.” He laughs and I follow. More from elation than humor, but it’s still a laugh. Having Aito and I considered family is an honor I will never deny.

  “Ready to start?” I nod at Sue who signals to the celebrant.

  The next thirty minutes are a dance between agony a
nd deliverance. As much as it hurts to remember all the good moments we shared and the life we had, I feel free when I think of the future we will never share. The only future I want to share is with a certain blue-haired girl, and as much as I want to say goodbye to Elaine, I know she would understand if I bailed before the service is over to go get the one I need. Shuffling on my feet I get impatient and fidget right and left. Pat sends me a few glances and rolls his eyes playfully before nodding, as if to give me the authorization I need to get out of there. I look at him again with assistance to be sure the Samans won’t get pissed.

  “Go,” Sue whispers. “She needs you to show her you’re not mad for everything that happened with her family.” I look at the poor guy sharing a story about Elaine and send him an apologetic smile, before turning on my heels and bolting out of there.

  “Oliver!” Mark screams behind me. I don’t want to stop, but because it’s Mark I do. “Take my car,” he says while throwing me his keys. Barely catching them with my injured arm—the asshole couldn’t have aimed better— I nod a thank you and continue my way through the cemetery.

  I have a woman I need to convince of my love and I won’t lose another minute of our time. She might not want to move to New York, or even want me, but I need to be the first to jump into our story with both feet.

  I need to do it for her, for us, for me but also for Elaine. Because in that basement she asked me to live, to move on, to love again and fuck if I could ever disappoint her.

  “I love you, baby,” I tell her glancing one more time toward the cemetery. The wind picks up and a single leaf falls at my feet. I pick it up and crunch it under my fingers, to ease the tension I feel having to go claim a woman who might not want to be claimed. Perusing the crowd one last time, my eyes stop on my group of friends. Anna, Mark, Naomi, and Lars are all talking to each other. Aito fusses and Naomi gets away from the conversation. She looks in my direction and even from afar, I can see the pride she feels seeing me going for what I want, who I want. Aito continues moving like a little worm in his mother’s arms and my eyes shift to the other three. That’s when I see Anna and Mark high fiving each other and Lars laughing. I have no doubt it’s at my expense. I chuckle and shake my head at the idea of what they did for me to have a chance to get back on my feet. I’m certain Tessa being my chauffeur and us stumbling upon each other wasn’t a coincidence either.