‘Let’s talk.’ Alistair had flipped the sign outside to indicate there was a meeting in progress, and he closed the door.
‘Okay.’ Raina’s knees were beginning to shake and she sat down. ‘What do you want to talk about?’
‘Whatever it is you’re not saying to me, you can go ahead and say it. Anya’s place on the project is secure and inviolable. Nothing you could possibly do or say can change that.’
‘We said...we promised that we wouldn’t let our relationship get in the way of the work, Alistair.’
‘Yes, we did. And you’re going back on that promise.’
‘Me?’ The anger that Raina had been biting back for days suddenly broke loose. ‘I’ve gone back on it? You’re heading this project and...’
Raina was almost breathless with rage. Maybe she should have told him that she could never have another child. He’d understand then why she was so angry. But it was too late now, and it was buried too deep. Raina had hidden that pain from everyone.
‘And...?’
‘And you can hardly even look at her.’
Alistair strode to a seat opposite hers, flinging himself down in it. ‘Do you actually think that I don’t feel anything when I see Anya? That I don’t think about the child we lost?’
The vehemence in his voice was shocking. Almost as shocking as the way Raina felt. ‘But you never really wanted a child, Alistair. You talked about not being ready...’
‘I wasn’t ready. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t want our child, and that I didn’t grieve for it. But you were physically and mentally traumatised, you needed care.’
‘I needed to know how you felt. I didn’t want to go through it on my own.’ Raina jumped to her feet and started to pace. Alistair rose, catching her by the shoulders.
‘No, Raina. You don’t do that to me. Whatever you say, you have to say it to my face, or I won’t hear you properly.’
Alistair had never asked for any concession to be made for his deafness. And now he was demanding one. If he could make that step, then the least that Raina could do was to hear him.
‘How did you feel, Alistair?’
‘You want to know, all of a sudden? You were the one who left me, Raina.’
The barb hit home. She’d left her wedding and engagement rings on the kitchen table and just walked away. Two weeks later she’d filed for divorce.
‘I know. And I know that must have hurt, but you were spending so much time at work that there was no opportunity to talk.’ Raina tried to keep her voice steady.
His face darkened. ‘I felt guilty. That I wasn’t there for you when you lost the baby.’
She’d called him, leaving message after message, but Alistair had been at work and he’d switched his phone off. Hurt wouldn’t allow her to admit how much she’d needed him.
‘There was nothing you could have done.’
‘That was just the problem, wasn’t it?’ Alistair turned suddenly, as if he didn’t want to hear any more of this. ‘There was never anything that I could do.’
Maybe she hadn’t given him much opportunity to feel anything, Raina’s own grief had seemed to fill every part of the space around her. Maybe she had pushed him away, but that was only because she’d known that Alistair had already been doing what he always did when something was too difficult, and spending every waking hour at work.
He had to hear this. Raina reached for his arm, pulling him round to face her again. ‘I’m listening now.’
Alistair’s gaze searched her face. Cold and hard, as if he was protecting himself from something. ‘When you lost the baby I was heartbroken. Is that what you want to hear?’
She knew he was telling the truth. She could see his pain. As the nagging doubt about whether he’d ever wanted the child they’d lost dissolved, a weight seemed to lift from Raina’s heart.
‘It’s what I needed to hear...’ She could feel tears spilling down her cheeks. Raina had thought that the silence between them had destroyed everything, but this cathartic spark had somehow ignited life into a relationship she’d thought was long dead.
Alistair wound his arms around her shoulders suddenly, pulling her close. As she sobbed against his chest, she could feel his breath catch with emotion.
‘We can’t let this come between us. We’re both angry, but we have to put that aside for Anya’s sake...’ Finally he spoke.
Raina rubbed at her eyes with her hand. He wouldn’t hear her if she mumbled into his chest, but when she looked up at Alistair it was hard not to see the man she’d wanted to share her life with. The one she’d wanted to kiss...
No. There were good reasons why it was over and, however much they voiced their differences, neither of them would ever change.
‘We promised that we would. It’s harder than I thought, though.’
Alistair nodded. ‘I can’t pretend that being with Anya doesn’t remind me of the child we lost, any more than I can keep pretending that I’ll wake up tomorrow and be able to hear again. Those things are gone now.’ He let her go, stepping back.
‘It’s not easy. I asked a lot of you when I applied for the project, and you could be forgiven for taking your time.’
He shot her a reproachful look. ‘Don’t give up on me now. You need to stop trying to be so nice to me, and start telling me what you think. I can’t do this on my own.’
‘You want me to be the Wicked Witch, do you?’ She raised her eyebrows and as Alistair smiled, the atmosphere between them lifted.
‘No. I just want your opinions. I know you have them...’
‘Are you calling me opinionated? I could say the same about you.’
Alistair chuckled. It seemed that they’d found a way to make this work after all. Not without some pain, but the gain had been worth it. ‘You want the last word on that? I could come up with some compelling arguments.’
Raina grinned. ‘Don’t waste your time. I’m having the last word.’
* * *
‘Right, then, Edward.’ Alistair arranged the teddy bear carefully next to the small table and chair that was set up in the corner of his office for Anya. ‘Let’s see how you manage...’
He pressed Edward’s arm, and the bear’s small prosthetic fingers closed. Perfect. Pressing on the other side made them open again. It wasn’t quite the same mechanism that Anya would use to control her prosthetic hand, but hopefully it made the connection between Edward’s arm and the new hand clear.
Kaia and Ben had produced this smaller prosthetic, and it had been down to Alistair to perform the surgery on the teddy bear. When he’d removed the lower part of Edward’s arm and stitched the opening closed, Alistair had felt uncharacteristically squeamish. Maybe it was the eyes, looking at him unblinkingly as he completed the procedure.
Raina and Anya would be coming again this afternoon, and Alistair was having a hard time keeping himself from smiling at the thought. In the last two weeks, he’d begun to develop a relationship with Anya, and found that the more he did so, the less he compared her with the child he and Raina had lost. And under Raina’s watchful eye he’d begun to accept that he needed a hearing aid, and put into practice all the little techniques that allowed him to hear better.
It was a hot day, and when Alistair looked up from his labours and saw Raina in the outer office she was wearing a blue-patterned dress, made from material that looked as if it would be soft and thin if he were to touch it. Everything she’d worn in the last two weeks had somehow imprinted itself on his memory. The dark, formal trousers. A more casual pair of cargo pants. Stiff shirts had given way to pretty tops and T-shirts. And now a dress.
It was tempting to feel that Raina’s choice of outfit might be reflecting her growing confidence about the situation, and with it their relationship. But Alistair didn’t have the words to explore that and instead he greeted them both with a smile.
‘I’ve got...a new friend.’ Alistair gestured towards Edward, and saw Raina’s eyes widen. Anya was a little less impressed.
‘Who is it?’
‘He doesn’t have a name.’ Edward was purely between Alistair and the bear. ‘Do you want to give him one?’
Anya thought for a moment. ‘No.’
‘Okay. How about Edward, then?’ Anya didn’t seem to mind much one way or the other, and Alistair decided he should keep trying. ‘Would you like to see what he can do?’
He walked over to the bear and squeezed his arm, and the small fingers closed, then opened again. Then Alistair moved his arm and squeezed, making Edward pick up one of the bricks from Anya’s table.
‘That’s so clever!’ It wasn’t clear whether Raina’s smiling exclamation was for Anya’s benefit or his, but Alistair grinned up at her, shivering as he met her gaze.
Anya walked over to Edward, whispering into his ear, and Alistair decided to leave her to it, retreating to one of the easy chairs that surrounded the coffee table. She was interested, at least. Whatever it was that Anya was saying to Edward, and he was saying back, appeared to be serious business.
‘He doesn’t like it, Mummy.’ Finally Anya turned, her brow furrowed.
‘Doesn’t like what, sweetie?’ Raina joined her daughter, kneeling down next to her.
‘That.’ Anya swatted the prosthetic arm. ‘Take it off.’
‘But look, Anya. It helps him to pick the bricks up.’ Raina pressed Edward’s arm, finding the place that operated the hand. She took a shot at opening and closing the fingers and then tried to pick up a brick.
‘No, Mummy...’ Anya seemed about to burst into tears, and Raina looked equally crestfallen. Alistair got to his feet quickly.
‘That’s okay, Anya. It’s okay, we’ll take it off if Edward doesn’t like it. He doesn’t have to wear it if he doesn’t want to.’ He slid the prosthetic off Edward’s arm and put it on his desk, out of Anya’s reach. Maybe it would assume the importance of everything else on his desk in Anya’s mind. Something to be reached for and played with when she thought he wasn’t looking.
‘He wants to draw.’
‘That sounds like a good idea.’ Alistair picked up the bear, putting him into Anya’s lap and pushing her crayons towards her.
The picture was drawn, admired and pinned on the wall and then Alistair suggested that they go upstairs to the Dream Team’s office. Raina was quiet, her thoughts seeming to bother her, and when she asked Kaia to watch Anya while she slipped out for a moment, Alistair followed her.
She wasn’t in his office, and the receptionist said that she’d seen Raina go out. When Alistair opened the front door and looked outside, he could see a splash of blue amongst the greenery in the square across the road.
He felt in his pocket for change, making sure he had enough. Then he walked quickly to the coffee shop on the corner and made his way back to the square. She was sitting on a bench, staring straight in front of her, and didn’t move when Alistair sat down beside her.
‘Here.’ He passed her the coffee.
‘Thanks.’ She didn’t look at him, but she took the cup. They sat in silence for a while, and Alistair sipped his drink.
‘What’s bugging you?’ He knew, but this seemed a good place to start the conversation.
Raina sighed. ‘The teddy bear...it’s so beautiful. It was a great idea and she rejected it.’
‘That’s okay. We’re not expecting everything to work for every child. Maybe Edward will have better luck with someone else.’
‘Do you think she’ll ever be ready to at least try a prosthetic?’
Alistair shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I’m not going to give up on her, though. When we asked you and Anya to be part of the project we asked for a commitment from you, and we owe you a commitment in return.’
He owed it. But ‘we’ was a far less dangerous thing to say, and it happened to be true. It was Gabriel and Maya who had chosen Anya for the project, and Gabriel was Anya’s doctor.
She nodded slowly. ‘I could still help with the other children. If you think I have something to offer...’
‘I think you have a great deal to offer, and we’d be glad to have you help. And that might be the thing that works for Anya, if she sees you helping other kids with their prosthetics maybe she’ll want to explore the idea for herself.’
He reached out, touching her on the back of her hand to make sure he had her attention. His head was buzzing from the tinnitus and the birds had chosen this moment to drown out his thoughts with their song. But when Raina looked at him everything else disappeared.
‘Look, Raina. I made a promise, and it’s got no time limit. If Anya accepts her prosthetic now, then well and good. If not then you can come back to me at any time, and we’ll fit one then. She can come back to me, when she’s old enough. Maybe Ben’s right and by then we’ll have something that’s capable of things we can only dream about now.’
It felt like a commitment. No greater than the one he’d make to any other patient and their family maybe, but different. A binding promise that would stay with Anya all her life. Alistair tried not to think about the other binding promise he’d made to Raina. Their divorce had dissolved that, but somehow his heart had never quite accepted it.
‘That’s a very generous offer. I won’t say no to it, for Anya’s sake.’
Alistair felt a lump in his throat. Maybe this was all just phantom pain, the throbbing ache of something that had gone but that still hurt. His own hearing loss had made him realise that while it was possible to compensate for something that was lost, it was a learning process.
‘We’re not out of options yet. You just have to hang on in there while we work through them.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Don’t thank me.’ He held out his hand to her. ‘Tell me it’s a deal.’
Raina smiled suddenly, putting her hand in his. ‘It’s a deal.’
Letting go of her hand seemed like another loss. ‘Now we have that settled, perhaps we’d better see what your daughter is doing to my development team. I don’t want her leading them astray.’
Alistair held out his arm, wondering if Raina would take it. Ever since their explosive argument had cleared the air between them, she’d been careful to avoid any physical contact and Alistair had taken her lead on that. Somehow he needed it at the moment, though.
‘They’re perfectly capable of going astray without any help, aren’t they?’ She smiled, taking his arm, and Alistair suddenly realised he’d been holding his breath.
‘Yes. Ben’s been talking about making Anya a robot. They seem to have struck up quite a friendship.’
He spun his empty cup into the bin, which stood next to the railings that enclosed the square. Raina shook her head in answer to his unspoken query, and took another sip of her coffee. They still had that. Raina’s aim was uncertain at the best of times, and she’d always given her empty cup to him if the bin was more than a couple of yards away.
They climbed the steps to the front door of the office, and Raina let go of his arm as he ushered her inside.
‘We’ll find a way, Raina. We can get through to her. This is just a minor setback and we’re bound to have some. But we’ll get there.’
Raina turned to him, a trace of regret in her face. ‘You’re right. I shouldn’t be so disappointed by every little setback.’
‘It’s natural. You’re Anya’s mother and you have a great deal invested in this. You’re allowed to feel things.’
She laughed suddenly. ‘Okay. I’ll take care of the volatile mood swings, and you can be in charge of common sense.’
‘It’s a deal.’ Now all Alistair had to do was to think of something that would make the prosthetic more acceptable to Anya. And he needed to think quickly, for both Raina’s and Anya’s sakes.
CHAPTER SIX
‘I’VE HAD AN IDEA.’ Alistair didn’t bother with a Hello, or an Are you awake? Raina rubbed her eyes, and sat up in bed. Anya would be awake soon, anyway.
‘And it couldn’t wait?’ She stumbled out of bed. It had been a long time since she’d heard his voice this early in the morning, and it seemed somehow a little indecent to be talking to him while she was still in her pyjamas.
Raina rolled her eyes at her own foolishness. Alistair knew what she looked like in pyjamas.
‘Sorry...sorry, you weren’t asleep, were you?’
‘No, not really. Hold on a minute.’ Raina peered into Anya’s room to see whether the phone had woken her, but her daughter was still slumbering peacefully. Tiptoeing down the stairs, she made for the kitchen and filled the coffee machine, switching it on.
‘I’ll have a cup of coffee in my hand in a moment. Don’t throw anything too difficult at me before I’ve had my first mouthful.’
‘Oh. You want me to ring back?’
‘No, it’s okay, tell me now. What’s your idea?’
‘I was thinking of a two-pronged attack—’ Alistair stopped suddenly. ‘I mean...well, I didn’t mean we’re actually going to attack Anya.’
Raina laughed. It was good to hear Alistair so enthusiastic about something that he’d spoken before carefully considering what he was about to say. ‘That’s okay. She’s more than a match for you, Alistair.’
‘Don’t I know it. Well, the first prong of the...um...strategy, is that we hold off on giving her the myolectric prosthesis, and start her off with a semi flexible passive hand. That’ll be lighter for her, and it’ll help her to explore what she can do using two limbs instead of one. We can devise a few games for her, things like batting a ball back and forth.’
‘That makes sense. And the second prong of this attack?’
‘Is that she’s seen too much of hospitals already. Being stuck all day in our office is probably a bit like visiting the hospital in her mind. Maybe she needs to be out and about or in her own home. Places where she wants to explore and where she feels more confident about being in control.’
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