She blushed. Then ran her hand down his lapel, her thumb grazing the fabric of his shirt. He knew that smile. Raina was just as turned on by the compliment as he was.
‘I always liked you in a dark suit as well.’ She turned suddenly and then she was gone, weaving her way through the groups of people that were forming around them.
He needed a drink. Actually a drink was the last thing he needed. If he was such easy prey to Raina’s charms when he was stone-cold sober, then alcohol wasn’t a good idea. Alistair made his way over to the bar, asking for a glass of sparkling water, and then went to find Gabriel.
* * *
He’d been watching her all evening, and Alistair’s growing need to speak to Raina was turning into an emergency. Finally he saw her standing alone. Alistair had lost the thread of the conversation around him about five minutes ago, and it was easy enough to extricate himself and walk across the crowded room to her.
‘Would you like to dance?’ After-dark piano music was playing lazily, and one end of the space had become an impromptu dance floor.
‘Is that...allowed?’
‘Why wouldn’t it be?’
Raina reddened. ‘I’m not sure. Give me a minute to think.’
It was one of the best minutes of Alistair’s life. Standing close, warmed by her scent. Watching her eyes, growing darker by the moment. Knowing she wasn’t going to come up with a reason.
‘We did everything by the book, Raina. Maya chose Anya for the project, and Gabriel’s her doctor and signs off on her case files. You don’t work for the charity...’
She nudged him. ‘I do my share.’
‘More than your share, but we don’t pay you for it. I think one dance is acceptable.’
‘You’re my ex-husband.’ Something in Raina’s eyes told him that that didn’t matter. Not tonight.
‘Which means I’ve danced with you before. And there’s nothing to say we can’t do so again if we want.’
‘True.’ She stretched up her arms, clasping her hands behind his neck. Giving him the warmth of her body in a way that had always taken Alistair’s breath away.
‘This is nice.’ His body hadn’t forgotten her rhythm, even if he’d successfully managed to expunge it from his thoughts.
‘Just nice?’ Raina knew just as well as he did that nice didn’t cover it. But, then, no one word did.
‘I’m going for understatement. To emphasise my point.’
Raina chuckled. ‘In that case, it’s just a little bit nice. Maybe...’
‘Yeah. Maybe.’ He could kiss her now. They were so close, and if he brushed a kiss against her jaw it would look as if he’d simply bent to say something to her as they danced. But Alistair didn’t want to. She felt so soft in his arms, and one kiss would never be enough.
Maybe Raina would kiss him. Later on, when it wouldn’t matter if he returned the kiss, and made more of it than just a sweet and momentary sensation. For now, the dance was enough.
* * *
The party was beginning to break up, and someone had switched off the music. A few stalwarts were sitting at the bar, and Raina imagined they might well be there until the early hours of the morning.
The long, slow dance with Alistair had left her senses reeling. She’d clung to him, unable to let him go, and he’d tucked her hand into the crook of his arm, and they’d walked together out to the far reaches of the garden space, where darkness shrouded them from sight. Tonight had been so perfect, and Raina didn’t want it to end.
‘Ah!’ He let out a long sigh of satisfaction. ‘Silence.’
‘Silence? Really, Alistair?’
‘Yes. At first there were just a few moments, here and there. They got longer, and I still couldn’t quite believe it. But my tinnitus has stopped completely now. I haven’t heard it for the last two days.’
‘That’s wonderful. Have you spoken to your audiologist about it?’
He shook his head. ‘No, not yet. I don’t know whether it’ll last, or for how long, so I’m just enjoying it at the moment.’
‘I should think that’s the only advice your audiologist will give you. No one really understands tinnitus, but this seems like a good sign.’
‘Yeah, I think so. And if it does start again, at least I’ll know that I enjoyed the silence while it lasted. That was the one thing I couldn’t get to grips with, that I’d never appreciated silence before.’
‘What else can you hear? Apart from the silence.’
‘I can hear...the breeze. Bet you can’t hear that.’ He smiled at her.
‘No, actually I can’t. You’re hearing it rustle against the back of your hearing aid?’
Alistair nodded. ‘I can’t hear much else. But that’s okay, because I can hear you.’
So he couldn’t hear the music, drifting out into the night. Or the quiet sounds of the water. But Alistair didn’t seem to feel any loss and right now Raina could understand that. The only thing that mattered right now was the two of them.
She stood on her toes, kissing his cheek. It was full of risk, but that only made her want to do it all the more. He turned, taking her into his arms. They were so warm, and it felt as if she’d spent a very long time out in the cold.
Alistair murmured her name, just once. And then he kissed her.
* * *
Raina had just kissed him as if she really meant it. She did really mean it, Alistair knew that. It felt as if nothing stood between them now. Not the pain, or the loneliness. Not even the anger over everything that had happened between them.
But if this went on, he wouldn’t be able to let her go. He should give her the chance to smile at him, and wish him goodnight, even if it was the last thing he wanted her to do.
‘You should go.’ His hands felt suddenly cold as he took them from her waist, as if it was only Raina’s body heat that had kept him from freezing.
‘Do you want me to?’ Raina gazed up at him.
‘Of course not. That’s why you should.’ He couldn’t take much more of this. Any moment now he’d be on his knees, begging her come back to his room with him and stay the night.
‘It’s nothing that hasn’t happened before...’ She used his own argument against him, leaving the conclusion to burst into his thoughts. There’s nothing to say that we can’t do it again, if we want to.
‘A lot’s happened since then.’
Raina nodded. ‘I thought I hated you, but I never did. I couldn’t.’
‘I thought I hated you too. Turns out that I didn’t.’ He’d always loved Raina. Always wanted the best for her, even if that meant she should be with someone else.
‘We’re just too different. That’s not going to change, but we could still allow ourselves this. Couldn’t we?’
‘Yes. I think we could.’
Alistair pulled the keys from his pocket. Along with the key to his room was a master key that would open all the access doors to the building. Putting his arm around her, he led her along the dark path to the door closest to them, which led almost directly to his room.
As soon as they were inside, she flung her arms around his neck. It took an almost superhuman effort to walk the few steps to his room, but somehow he made it, closing the door behind them. He felt the warmth of her body against his, and kissed her again. His limbs begin to shake and Alistair forced himself to think straight.
‘Raina... Unless you have condoms...’
‘No, I don’t. We can improvise, though, can’t we?’ She licked her lips. Raina had a point. Just the thought of what she could do with her fingers and her mouth was driving him crazy.
‘Wait...’ He couldn’t let her go, even for a moment, and he kissed her all the way to the bathroom door. Flipping open the cabinet, he found what he was looking for. ‘I told you this place had everything.’
She snatched the condoms out of his hand, st
anding on her toes to whisper in his ear. Yes. He wanted to be inside her, too. And yes. For a very long time. His blood felt as if it was starting to boil.
‘You’re sure, Raina?’ He had to know. He had to hear her say it.
She took his head between her hands. ‘Yes. I’m sure. Is that enough for you?’
More than enough. He hoisted her up into his arms and made for the bed.
* * *
The one thing that Raina had always really liked about Alistair was that as soon as he kicked the bedroom door closed behind him, that easygoing nature of his changed. When he made love, there was no hesitation and no compromise. He understood the fine art of taking it to the limit.
The door was already closed, so there was no kicking needed. But there was a bed. As she clung to his neck the years apart seemed to fall away.
He laid her down, undressing her. Letting each scrap of clothing fall to the floor in a calculated act of give and take, which left her shivering with pleasure and anticipation. When he pulled his shirt over his head, disregarding buttons as an unnecessarily indirect route to what they both wanted, Raina smiled.
‘You’ve always been beautiful, Alistair...’
He gave a low growl of humour. ‘A little older. You, on the other hand, don’t get old. Just more exquisite.’
‘Older suits you.’ His body was a little heavier, but every inch of it was muscle and strength. He’d been taking really good care of himself while she’d been gone.
She wondered whether he’d take the hearing aid out, and he did. It was the one thing he didn’t fling aside, laying it carefully on the table beside the bed. Then he lay down beside her, holding her tight against the taut strength of his body.
‘I want to hear you, Raina. Every breath. Every word...’
That meant face to face. Staring into each other’s eyes as they made love. Looking for the clues that told them that they hadn’t forgotten how to nurture sensation until it exploded between them, out of control.
‘I want to hear you too, Alistair.’
He eased his body over hers, and Raina clung to him, feeling his hand move across her thighs and between her legs. So gentle, and yet with the ultimate promise of such fierce pleasure.
The one thing that never changed was the bond that had been forged in their eyes. Alistair’s gaze never left hers as their bodies moved, and he saw everything that she felt. It was a precious link, born of necessity, which became a thing of delight.
‘What you said, Raina... About having me inside you for a long time...’
‘That’ll be next time...’
He grinned down at her, watching her face as he moved. Raina wound her legs around his waist, twisting her body, and he groaned. Everything they’d ever had together, pleasure and loss, anger and love, melted together and drove them on.
She felt the orgasm begin to build. He knew, and she knew that he was close too. Suddenly there was only Alistair, and the unstoppable joy of completion. He cried out and she held him tight.
He kissed her, laying his forehead against hers, while they both got their breath back. Then he chuckled, rolling onto his back, taking her with him in an embrace.
‘I never thought we’d do that again.’ Finally he spoke.
‘Me neither. I’m glad we did.’
Raina stretched up to kiss him and then turned in his arms, so that he could curl his body around hers. Alistair pulled the duvet across them both, holding her tight.
Suddenly she was alone with her thoughts. Being with Alistair had made the whole world recede. Nothing could touch them, and they had no interest in touching anything but each other. But now, in the quiet peace after the storm, everything started to filter back and it was just as it had been before.
They still couldn’t be together, they’d been through too much for that. This had just been a way of letting go.
* * *
She was crying. Somehow Alistair sensed it even if Raina’s body was still, pressed against his chest. He probably wouldn’t be able to hear if she said something, and he felt entirely at sea. His body still buzzed with the pleasure of making love to her, and the sudden, hedonistic joy of its climax.
Perhaps he should leave her alone with her thoughts. If she wanted to tell him, she would. But the sudden thought that she might be regretting what they’d just done tore at him.
‘Raina... Are you awake?’ He whispered the words softly. For a moment she lay still and then he felt her squeeze his hand. When she turned in his arms, her face was composed.
‘Raina, honey. What’s the matter? Did I hurt you?’
‘No. Everything’s okay.’
That was his line. He suddenly realised how much it hurt to hear it, when he knew that something was wrong.
‘No, it’s not. I’m not going to leave you alone until you talk to me. Then I’ll talk to you in return.’ Alistair reached for his hearing aid, wanting to hear everything that she said. But she laid her hand on his, taking the hearing aid away from him.
‘Are you up for doing this the other way?’ She gave him a smile and sat up, operating the remote beside the bed to turn the lights up a little and facing him.
Alistair wasn’t sure. Words would have to be spoken plainly and clearly, within the bonds of their exchanged gaze. But if they could do it while they were making love, then they could do it now. He sat up, holding his hand out towards her. She reached out, placing her palm against his. It was electric.
‘Do you mind?’
He shook his head. ‘No. I always used to leave the talking to you. Far more than I should have done.’
She nodded. ‘Is that different now?’
‘No. I’m no different. But I want to be.’ He leaned towards her, tracing his fingers gently across her jaw. ‘Raina, please tell me. I need to know what’s going on because you seem...hurt.’
‘You didn’t hurt me. I...’ She turned away from him, then seemed to remember that she had to face him. Making sure that he heard had become secondary. This was about making sure that they both understood.
‘Everything we lost. It just suddenly felt very real to me.’
‘Me too.’ Alistair turned the corners of his mouth down. ‘You know, I always thought that you’d find someone else. Someone who’d do a little better than I did in giving you the things you wanted.’
‘What things do you mean? Children?’ Her eyes glistened with tears.
‘That was my main thought, yes.’ It was the one that had carried Alistair through. The idea that someone, somewhere would make a great father to her children. If Raina had what she wanted then it made all of the misery seem like a price that had to be paid, and not just meaningless.
‘I can’t have children, Alistair. Or...at least probably not.’ She must see the shock in his face, and Alistair struggled not to turn away from her and hide. ‘When I lost our baby...’
She couldn’t say the words and he had to help her. Alistair took a deep breath. ‘An ectopic pregnancy doesn’t usually mean that you can’t conceive again.’
‘No, but I started to experience pain, and so I went for some tests. It turned out that there was an infection and they had to remove one fallopian tube. The other is partially blocked.’
Just one question pounded in Alistair’s brain. ‘When did this happen, Raina?’
‘About a year after I lost the baby.’
A year. He and Raina had still been married then. Not living together any more, and they had been just a pen-stroke away from divorce, but they’d still been married. ‘And...you didn’t tell me?’
‘Would you have signed the divorce papers if I had?’
No, probably not. He stared at her dumbfounded. Then, as he looked away, he was aware that she’d said something. He felt her finger on his jaw, tipping his head back towards her.
‘Did you hear that?’
&nb
sp; Alistair shook his head.
‘I said that we’d made our decision about divorcing. The best thing for both of us was to get it done, and go on with our lives.’
‘But...you could have told me, Raina.’ He looked away from her, not wanting to hear her answer. He knew full well why she hadn’t told him. He’d struggled to support her through the loss of their baby, knowing he was making a poor job of it, and there was no reason why this should have been any different.
She’d ripped away the security blanket that he’d wrapped around himself. Raina going on with her life. Meeting someone, and then becoming a wife and a mother. Being fulfilled in her career, and happy until the day she died. It was a rose-tinted view of life, but it was the one that worked for him.
The truth had been so different. Her dreams had been shattered and then she’d weathered unimaginable tragedy. All she had was Anya now, and Alistair silently sent up a vote of thanks to the little girl, for every time she’d made Raina smile.
‘May I hold you?’ It was the only thing he could think of to do.
‘Yes. I’d really like that.’ She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down onto the bed. Face to face this time. Her head on the pillow next to his. They were both tangled up in the duvet and he couldn’t slide his hand around her waist and embrace her the way he would have liked, but this was...enough. Better, maybe.
‘I’m so sorry, Raina.’
‘You have nothing to be sorry for. We both had our own ways of surviving, and they were different. We both needed to be apart.’
‘So where does that leave us now?’ Alistair hoped that Raina had some clue about that, because he had none.
She was thinking hard. ‘I guess...lots of people divorce and stay on good terms.’
‘Exes with benefits, you mean?’
‘No! That sounds too cynical. You’re a lot more to me than just a romp between the sheets whenever I feel like it.’ She dug her fingers into his ribs.
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