The Hating Game

by Sally Thorne

  “Quit looking at me.” He’s correct, of course. This mirror-ball office confirms it.

  “Can’t. You’re right in my line of vision.”

  “Well, try.”

  “It’s not often I see such an interesting choice of thigh-revealing attire in the workplace. In the HR manual for appropriate business attire—”

  “You can’t take your eyes off my thighs long enough to consult the manual.” It’s true. He looks at the floor but after a second the red sniper-dot from his eyes recommences at my ankle bone and slides up.

  “I have it memorized.”

  “Then you’ll know that thighs are not an appropriate topic of conversation. If I get my polyester sack dress I guess you’ll be kissing them good-bye.”

  “I look forward to it. Getting the promotion, I mean. Not your thighs— Never mind.”

  “Dream on, pervert.” I type in my password. The previous one expired. Now it’s DIE-JOSH-DIE! “It’s my job, not yours.”

  “So who’s your date with?”

  “A guy.” I’ll find one between now and the end of the workday. I’ll hire a guy if I have to. I’ll call a modeling agency and ask for the catch of the day. He’ll pick me up in a limo out front of B&G and Joshua will have egg on his face.

  “What time is your date?”

  “Seven,” I hazard.

  “What location is your date?” He slowly makes a pencil mark. An X? A slash? I can’t tell.

  “You’re very interested; why is that?”

  “Studies have shown that if managers feign interest in their employees’ personal lives it increases their morale and makes them feel valued. I’m getting the practice in, before I’m your boss.” His professional spiel is contradicted by the weird intensity in his eyes. He’s truly captivated by all of this.

  I give him my best withering look. “I’m meeting him for drinks at the sports bar on Federal Avenue. And: You’re never going to be my boss.”

  “What a total coincidence. I’m going there to watch the game tonight. At seven.”

  My clever fib was a tactical error. I study him but can’t tell where his face ends and the lie begins.

  “Maybe I’ll see you there,” he continues. He is diabolical.

  “Sure, maybe,” I make my voice bored so he can’t tell I’m simultaneously fuming and panicking.

  “So this dream—a man was in it, right?”

  “Oh, yes indeed.” My eyes travel across Joshua without my permission. I think I can see the shape of his collarbone. “It was highly erotic.”

  “I should compose an email to Jeanette,” he says faintly after a pause and a throat-clearing rasp. He does a poor imitation of typing on his keyboard without even looking at the screen.

  “Did I say erotic? I meant esoteric. I get those mixed up.”

  He narrows one eye. “Your dream was . . . mysterious?”

  Here goes nothing. It’s time to take my chances with the human lie detector.

  “It was full of symbols and hidden meaning. I was lost in a garden, and there was a man there. Someone I spend a lot of time with, but this time he seemed like a stranger.”

  “Continue,” Joshua says. It’s so strange to talk to him when his face isn’t a mask of boredom.

  I cross my legs as elegantly as I can manage and his eyes flash under my desk, then back to my face.

  “I was wearing nothing but bedsheets,” I say in a confiding tone, then pause.

  “This is strictly between us, right?”

  He nods, spellbound, and I mentally high-five myself for winning Word Tennis.

  I need to prolong this moment; it’s not often I gain the upper hand. I put on lipstick using the wall as a mirror. The color is called Flamethrower and it’s my trademark. Vicious, violent, poisonous red. Slit-wrists red. The color of the devil’s underpants, according to Dad. I have so many tubes that I always have a tube within a three-foot radius. I am black and white, but thanks to Flamethrower, I can be Technicolor. I live in terror of it being discontinued by the manufacturer, hence my hoarding.

  “So I’m walking through this garden and the man is right behind me.” Today I am a pathological liar. This is what Joshua Templeman does to me.

  “He’s right behind me. Like, up against me. Pressed up against my ass.” I stand and slap my own butt loud enough to make my point. The words ring so true, because mostly it is true. Joshua nods slowly, his throat constricting in a swallow as his eyes trail down my dress.

  “I seem to recognize his voice.” I pause for thirty seconds, blotting my lips, holding it up to admire the little red heart-shaped mark on the tissue before scrunching it and putting it in the wastebasket near my toes. I start reapplying.

  “Do you always have to do that twice?” Joshua is growing irritated by this stilted storytelling. He taps his fingertips impatiently on the desk.

  I wink. “Don’t want it kissing off, now do I?”

  “Who is this date with, exactly? What’s his name?”

  “A guy. You’re changing the subject, but that’s okay. Sorry for boring you.” I sit down and click the mouse until my computer whirs to life.

  “No, no,” Joshua says faintly, like he is completely out of air. “I’m not bored.”

  “Okay, so I’m in the garden, and it’s . . . all reflective. Like it’s covered in mirrors.”

  He nods, elbow sliding forward on the desk, chin in hand. He is inching his chair back.

  “And I . . .” I pause, and glance at him. “Never mind.”

  “What?” He barks it so loud I bounce an inch out of my seat.

  “I say, Who are you? Why do you want me so badly? And when he tells me his name, I was so shocked . . .”

  Joshua dangles from the end of my fishing line, a glossy fish, flipping and irrevocably hooked. I can feel the expanse of air between us vibrating with tension.

  “Come over here, I need to whisper it,” I murmur, glancing left and right although we both know there’s nobody for miles.

  Joshua shakes his head reflexively and I look at his lap. He’s not the only one who can stare underneath the desk.

  “Oh,” I say to be a smartass, but to my astonishment color begins to burn on Joshua’s cheekbones. Joshua Templeman is turned on in my presence. Why does it make me want to tease him even more?

  “I’ll come over and tell you.” I lock my computer screen.

  “I’m fine.”

  “I have to share it.” I walk over slowly and put my hands on the edge of his desk. He looks at my fishnet legs with such a tormented expression I almost feel sorry for him.

  “This is unprofessional.” He glances at the ceiling for inspiration before finding it. “HR.”

  “Is that our safe word? Okay.” In this fluorescent lighting he looks irritatingly healthy and gold, his skin even and unblemished. But there’s a faint sheen on his face.

  “You’re a little sweaty.” I take the Post-its from his desk and plant a big, slow kiss on top. I peel it off and stick it in the middle of his computer screen.

  “I hope you’re not coming down with something.” I walk away toward the kitchen. I hear the wheels on his chair make a faint wheeze.

  LIVE A LITTLE.

  Danny’s cubicle is stripped down and a little chaotic. Packing boxes and stacks of paper and files are everywhere.

  “Hi!”

  He jolts and makes a jagged gray smudge on the author photograph he was Photoshopping. Real smooth, Lucy.

  “Sorry. I should wear a bell.”

  “No, it’s okay. Hi.” He hits Undo, Save, and then swivels, his eyes sliding up and down me as fast as lightning, before getting snagged on the hemline of my dress for an extra few seconds.

  “Hi. I was wondering if you’d come up with any inventions for us to get started on?”

  I can’t believe how forward I’m being, but I’m in a desperate situation. My pride is at stake here. I need someone sitting next to me tonight on a barstool or Joshua will laugh his ass off.

  A sm
ile spreads across his face. “I’ve got a half-finished time machine I could get you to take a look at.”

  “They’re pretty straightforward. I can help you out.”

  “Name the time and place.”

  “The sports bar on Federal? Tonight, seven o’clock?”

  “Sounds great. Here, I’ll give you my number.” Our fingers graze when he gives it to me. My, my. What a nice boy. Where on earth has he been all this time?

  “See you tonight. Bring, um, blueprints.” I weave back through the cubicles and climb the stairs back to the top floor, mentally dusting my hands.

  Time to work. I drop back into my seat and begin work on the proposal outlining our desire to run a team-building activity. I put two signature spaces at the bottom, sign my name, and dump it into his in-tray. He takes a full two hours to even pick it up. When he does, he reads it in about four seconds. He slashes his signature onto it and flicks it into his out-tray without a glance. He has been in a weird mood this afternoon.

  I steeple my fingers and commence the Staring Game. It takes about three minutes but he eventually heaves a sigh and locks his screen. We stare so deep into each other’s eyes we join each other in a dark 3-D computer realm; nothing but green gridlines and silence.

  “So. Nervous?”

  “Why would I be?”

  “Your big date, Shortcake. You haven’t had one in a while. As long as I’ve known you, I think.” He indicates quotation marks with his fingers at big date. He’s positive it’s all a lie.

  “I’m way too picky.”

  He steeples his fingers so hard it looks painful. “Really.”

  “Such a complete drought of eligible men here.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “You’re searching for your own eligible bachelor?”

  “I—no—shut up.”

  “You’re right.” I drop my eyes to his mouth for a split second. “I’ve finally found someone in this godforsaken place. The man of my dreams.” I raise my eyebrow meaningfully.

  He makes the connection to our early-morning conversation seamlessly. “So your dream was definitely about someone you work with.”

  “Yes. He’s leaving B&G very soon, so maybe I need to make a move.”

  “You’re sure about it.”

  “Yes.” I can’t remember the last time he has blinked his eyes. They are black and scary.

  “You’ve got your serial killer eyes on again.” I stand and take my proposal from him. “I’ll get you a copy for Fat Little Dick. Don’t screw this up for me, Joshua. You’ve got no concept of how to build a team. Leave this to the expert.”

  When I return he’s a little less dark looking, but his hair is messed up. He takes the document, which I have stamped COPY.

  He looks at the document, and I can see the exact moment he has his idea. It’s the sharp pause that a fox makes as it mooches past the unlatched gate of a henhouse. He looks up at me, his eyes glittering. He bites his bottom lip and hesitates.

  “Whatever you’re thinking, don’t.”

  He takes a pen and writes something across the bottom. I try to see, but he stands and holds it so high a corner touches the ceiling. I can’t risk standing on tiptoes in this dress.

  “How could I possibly resist?” He rounds his desk and touches his thumb under my chin as he brushes past.

  “What have you done?” I say to his back as he walks into Mr. Bexley’s office. I scuttle into Helene’s, rubbing my chin.

  “I agree,” she says, laying the document aside. “This is a good idea. Did you see how the Gamins and Bexleys sat apart in the team meeting? I’m tired of it. We haven’t done anything as a team since the merger-planning day. I’m impressed that you and Joshua came together.”

  I hope my weird brain doesn’t file away her last filthy-sounding sentence.

  “We are working out our differences.” I have no trace of lie in my voice.

  “I’ll talk to Bexley at our four o’clock battle royale. What are your ideas?”

  “I’ve found a corporate retreat that’s only fifteen minutes off the highway. It’s one of those places with whiteboards all over the walls.”

  “Sounds expensive.” Helene makes a face, which I had already anticipated.

  “I’ve run the numbers. We were under the training budget for this financial year.”

  “So what will we do at this corporate love-in?”

  “I’ve already come up with several team-building activities. We’ll do them in a round-robin style, rotating each group so teams get regularly mixed up. I’d like to be the facilitator for the day. I want to end this war between the Bexleys and Gamins.”

  “People absolutely hate team activities,” Helene points out.

  I can’t argue. It’s a corporate truth universally acknowledged that workers would rather eat rat skeletons than participate in group activities. I know I would. But until business team-building models make a significant advance, it’s all I’ve got.

  “There’s a prize at the end for the participant who’s made the biggest effort and contributes the most.” I pause for effect. “A paid day off.”

  “I like it,” she cackles.

  “Joshua is planning something though,” I warn. She nods.

  She enters the Colosseum at precisely four. As usual, I can hear them shouting at each other.

  At five, Helene comes out of Mr. Bexley’s office and arrives at my desk in an irritated state. “Josh,” she tosses over her shoulder, her voice colored with dislike.

  “Ms. Pascal, how are you?” A halo floats above his head.

  She ignores him. “Darling, I’m sorry. I lost the coin toss. We’ve gone with Josh’s idea for team building. What is the thing called? Paintballs?”

  Sweet baby Jesus, no. “That wasn’t the recommendation. I should know; I wrote it.”

  Joshua nearly smiles. It shimmers like a holograph over his face. It vibrates out of him in waves. “I took the liberty of providing an alternative to Mr. Bexley. Paintballing. It’s been shown to be an effective team-building activity. Fresh air, physical activity . . .”

  “Injuries and insurance claims,” Helene counters. “Cost.”

  “People will pay twenty dollars of their own money to shoot their colleagues with paintballs,” he assures her, staring at me. “It won’t cost the company a cent. They’ll sign waivers. We’ll split into teams.”

  “Darling, how does it help team building to separate people and give them paint guns?”

  While they argue in fake-polite voices, I seethe. He’s hijacked my corporate initiative and taken it down to a juvenile, base level. Such a Bexley thing to do.

  “Perhaps we’ll see some unlikely alliances form,” he tells Helene.

  “In that case, I want to see you two paired together,” Helene says archly and I could hug her. He can’t paintball his own teammate.

  “Like I said, unlikely alliances. Anyway, let’s not fluster Lucinda before her hot date.”

  “Oh, really, Lucy?” Helene taps my desk. “A date. I expect a full report in the morning, darling. And come in late if you wish. You work too much. Live a little.”

  Chapter 6

  At six thirty P.M. my knee begins jiggling.

  “Will you be late?”

  “None of your business.” Goddamn it, will Joshua ever leave? He’s worked an eleven-hour day and still looks as fresh as a daisy. I want to lie facedown on my bed.

  “Didn’t you say seven? How are you getting there?”

  “Cab.”

  “I’m headed there too. I’ll give you a ride. I insist.” Joshua’s face has been the picture of amusement throughout this little exchange. He’s waiting for me to fess up about lying. It feels good to know I have Danny as the ace up my sleeve.

  “Fine. Whatever.” My fury over the team-building hijack has burned away, leaving a husk. Everything is spiraling slowly out of control.

  I head to the ladies room, makeup bag in hand. My footsteps echo in the empty corridor. I haven�
��t had a date in a long time. I’m too busy. Between work, hating Joshua Templeman, and sleeping, I have no time for anything else.

  Joshua cannot believe anyone would want to spend time in my company. To him I’m a repugnant little shrew. I carefully draw my eyeliner into a tiny cat’s-eye. I wipe off my lipstick until only the stain is left. I put a spray of perfume into my bra and give myself a little wink and a pep talk.

  I have a dangly pair of earrings in the side pocket of my makeup bag and I hook them on. Office to evening, like those magazine articles. I’m tugging up my bra when I bump squarely into Joshua outside the bathroom. He is holding my coat and bag in hand. The shock of making contact with his body clashes through me.

  He looks at me strangely. “Why’d you do all that?”

  “Gee, thanks.” I hold my hand out and he hooks my bag onto it. He holds on to my coat and pushes the elevator button.

  “So I get to see your car.” I try to break the silence. That thought is more nerve-racking than seeing Danny. It’s such an enclosed space. Have Joshua and I ever even sat next to each other before? I doubt it.

  “I’ve been imagining it for so long. I’ve been thinking it’s a Volkswagen beetle. A rusty white one, like Herbie.”

  “Guess again.” He is hugging my coat idly. His fingers twiddle the cuff. Against his body it looks like a kid’s jacket. I feel sorry for this poor coat. I hold my hand out but he ignores me.

  “MINI Cooper, early 1980s. Kermit green. The seat won’t go back so your knees are on either side of the steering wheel.”

  “Your imagination is quite vivid. You drive a 2003 Honda Accord. Silver. Filthy messy inside. Chronic gearbox issues. If it were a horse, you’d shoot it.” The elevator arrives and I step in cautiously.

  “You’re a way better stalker than I am.” I feel a chill of fear when I see his big thumb push the B button. He looks down at me, his eyes dark and intense. He’s clearly deliberating something.

  Maybe he’ll murder me down there. I’ll end up dead in a Dumpster. The investigators will see my fishnets and heavy eye makeup and assume I’m a hooker. They’ll follow all the wrong leads. Meanwhile, Joshua will be calmly bleaching all my DNA off his shoes and making himself a sandwich.