Sexual Healing

by Barbara Keesling

  In the peaking process, the phase in which you allow your arousal level to go down is as important as the phase in which it goes up. Feelings or emotions of all kinds can be defined as changes in bodily states and mental states. We perceive feelings to a large degree in terms of contrast. Letting your arousal decrease and then allowing it to come back up provide the contrast you need in order to be able to recognize how aroused you are.

  Allow plenty of time for your arousal to go down, even though you may be tempted to forget about the exercise and go all the way to orgasm. When you begin to caress yourself for each new peak, be sure to start slowly.

  Exercise 16. PLATEAUING

  Plateauing is an advanced form of peaking in which you recognize an arousal level and try to stay at that level for a few seconds or even a minute or two. Like peaking, plateauing begins with a genital self-caress. As you did in the peaking exercise, focus on the touch, relax, and breathe.

  Do a couple of low-level peaks (levels 3 and 4). When you reach level 5, stop the caress and let your arousal go down, but only to level 4. Then start the caress again and allow your arousal to go up to level 6. Keep hovering between levels 4 and 6 by stopping and starting the caress. After a while, see if you can recognize the finer distinctions, such as level 4½ or 5½.

  See if you can plateau at higher levels like 6, 7, 8, and 9 just by stopping and starting your caress. Do the plateauing exercise for twenty to thirty minutes. If you want, let yourself go all the way up to orgasm at the end of the exercise.

  Now is a good time to remind you to make sure you don’t pressure yourself during any exercise. It’s easy to feel a sense of pressure during plateauing because of all of the stopping and starting and thinking about numbers. Remember that your only goal here is healing. It doesn’t matter which levels you reach during any peaking or plateauing session. The important things are taking the pressure off yourself and learning to recognize your arousal levels. Depending on what sexual problem or problems you are dealing with, the sexual healing program will call for you to repeat the peaking and plateauing exercises many times with different types of stimulation.

  Besides starting and stopping your caress, there are several other ways to teach yourself to maintain a desired level of arousal. You can plateau by changing your breathing, squeezing your PC muscle, or switching your focus from the area you are caressing to another part of your body. I’ll explain these techniques in more detail in the chapters on dealing with particular problems, but here are a few simple versions you can start practicing now.

  When you reach a level at which you would like to plateau, take a couple of slow, deep breaths. This will cause your arousal to go down about half a level. When your arousal has gone down half a level, speed up your breathing so you are almost panting. See if you can maintain your arousal at a particular level by alternating between breathing slowly and more quickly.

  You can also plateau by squeezing your PC muscle. When you reach a level at which you would like to plateau, give your PC muscle a couple of quick squeezes. This will take your arousal down about half a level. When your arousal is down about half a level, continue the stimulation and allow your arousal to go back up. When you get beyond the desired level, squeeze your PC muscle again. See if you can plateau at a particular level by squeezing your PC muscle and then relaxing it. (Note: The PC muscle plateauing technique should not be used by men who have difficulty ejaculating.)

  A final way to plateau is to switch your focus from the area of your body you are caressing to an area you are not currently caressing. Let’s say you are a woman and you are caressing your clitoris. When you reach a level at which you would like to plateau, keep stroking your clitoris, but mentally shift your focus to an area you are not touching, such as your inner vaginal lips. See if you can keep your focus on one area as you touch another area. This will take your arousal down about half a level. When that happens, resume focusing on the area you are touching. See if you can maintain your arousal at a desired level by switching your focus back and forth between an area you are touching and an area you are not touching.

  Nontouching Suggestions to Promote Sexual Healing

  In addition to learning to touch yourself, you can use journaling and affirmations in your sexual healing process. Remember from Chapter 1 that sex therapy as Masters and Johnson pioneered it is cognitive-behavioral therapy. This means that sex therapy includes ways to change both your behavior and your thinking. The sensate-focus touching exercises are obviously the behavioral part of the therapy. And because our minds and bodies can’t be separated, changing your behavior also changes the way you think about yourself.

  But you can also change your thoughts in a more direct way. One technique for doing so is journaling. This simply means keeping a diary of the exercises you do and the thoughts you have as you move through the process. Another cognitive-therapy technique is using affirmations, or positive self-talk. In this technique you make lists of positive statements about your progress in the sexual healing program as well as about goals for the future.

  Examples of affirmations are statements such as, “I feel good about myself,” or, “I enjoy touching myself.” These would be appropriate statements to use at this point in your sexual healing journey. As you move farther into the book and begin to work on your specific sexual problems, the statements could become much more specific and sexual, such as, “I feel good when I have an erection,” “I can last as long as I want to during intercourse,” or, “When my partner touches me, I get really aroused.” The way to use these statements is to write them down in a list, look in a mirror, and say the statements out loud to yourself several times a day. I won’t give you a list of specific statements to use, because they’re much more powerful if you make them up yourself based on your individual needs. It’s a good idea to write new statements every time you complete a new exercise or step in your process.

  chapter 19

  Basic Partner Exercises: Spoon Breathing and the Face Caress

  The next four chapters contain the basic sensate-focus exercises you will do with your partner. I’ve purposely broken this section into smaller chapters so you don’t get overwhelmed. Each basic sensate-focus partner exercise introduces some new elements. All of them will help you gradually learn to reduce your anxiety in sensual and sexual situations.

  When these exercises are assigned to couples in sex therapy, the therapist uses them not only for treatment purposes but also for additional diagnosis. Often, just doing these basic exercises can pinpoint issues that you and your partner may not have been aware of.

  All of the descriptions of the exercises in these four chapters include a lot of detail about what you might experience from a psychological standpoint. They also include detailed information about feedback that you and your partner can give each other after the exercises. No matter what specific sexual problem you are healing, use the structure of these exercises as a model for doing the later sensate-focus exercises.

  Exercise 17. SPOON BREATHING

  Lie together with your partner on a comfortable bed or couch with one person’s back snuggled up against the other person’s front. Lie with your legs bent so that you fit together, like two spoons in a drawer. The person who is in back places his or her hand on the stomach of the person in front. Lie perfectly still and do not talk or squirm around, even if you feel yourself becoming aroused. The purpose of this exercise is relaxation. Pay attention to either your own breathing or your partner’s breathing. Slow your breathing down by taking three or four deep breaths and exhaling forcefully. Make sure that all of your muscles are relaxed by concentrating on each leg and imagining that it is sinking into the bed. Also picture your shoulders sinking into the bed.

  This exercise is a prelude to sensate focus in that you should keep your attention on the overall sensations of warmth and closeness that come from lying next to your partner. The breathing you do in this exercise is the same type you learned to do in Chapter 16, on relaxation,
only now you are doing it with a partner. Can you become as relaxed with your partner as you did when you breathed by yourself?

  In general, spoon breathing may be done clothed or in the nude, but for the first partner session, in which you do the face caress (Exercise 18), you should spoon breathe with your clothes on. Spoon breathing will help you make the transition from any activities you were doing to a relaxed, neutral state. Spoon breathe before doing any partner exercise, between switching active and passive roles in any exercise, and again after the exercise. Alternate being the person in back and the person in front. Do not do this exercise while watching television or doing anything else. Devote your full attention to relaxation and listening to your body. Spoon breathe for five to ten minutes. After you have spoon breathed for about five minutes, you’ll notice that your breathing will tend to synchronize with that of your partner.

  Exercise 18. THE FACE CARESS

  The first partner sensate-focus exercise is called the face caress. To do this caress, you will need some type of skin lotion that both you and your partner like. You will also need to find a quiet, comfortable room in which to do the exercise. Take the phone off the hook and send the kids to the babysitter. You need a room in which you will not be disturbed for forty-five minutes to an hour. You will also need a clock or watch so that you can time the exercise.

  The person who will be active first should sit with his or her head against a headboard or wall, with a pillow on his or her lap. The passive partner should lie between the active partner’s legs, head on the pillow, face up. It is important to have the passive partner’s face within easy reach of the active partner. The exercise is done fully clothed, but you will want to take off your shoes and belt so that it is comfortable to lie down.

  The face caress includes everything from the top of the head to the base of the neck. The active person should begin by taking some of the lotion and warming it up in her hand (let’s assume the woman is the active partner first). Then caress your partner’s face. Remember, to caress means to use an extremely slow and sensuous touch. Simply touch the skin rather than trying to feel or massage the muscles underneath the skin.

  You are already familiar with the general instructions for sensate-focus exercises from Chapter 14, but I’ll repeat them here:• Sensate-focus touch is slow.

  • It is done for your own pleasure.

  • It is free of psychological pressure of any sort.

  • It is focused.

  • It happens in the here and now.

  • It is sensuous.

  To begin the face caress as the active partner, slowly move one or both hands across your partner’s forehead and down his cheeks. Move across his chin and down to his neck. Don’t neglect his ears. Many people find touching or stroking another person’s ears to be a very sensual experience. Caress the bridge of your partner’s nose, his eyelids, and underneath his eyes. Remember to caress as slowly as you can. Continue the face caress for fifteen to twenty minutes, stop and spoon breathe again, and then switch roles. Spend fifteen to twenty minutes in each role.

  What you are learning to do here is to focus as completely as you can on the sensations in your skin, both when you are active and when you are passive. Pay attention to the exact point of contact between your skin and your partner’s skin.

  When you are the active partner, caress for your own pleasure. Caress your partner’s face in a way that feels good to you. Do not worry about what your partner is thinking or try to make your partner feel good. Your partner will tell you if you do anything that is unpleasant. If your partner does not say anything during the exercise, you may assume that your caress feels good or at least neutral.

  Because you are probably not used to this type of activity, you may find it hard to focus at first. Your mind may wander off to work or household tasks. If this happens, it is not a problem. Just recognize that you have become distracted and bring your focus back to the touch. When you are active, one way to relieve boredom or distraction is to consciously slow the speed of your caress by half. One thing your mind should not be wandering off to is whether you will be disturbed during the exercise. Make sure that the place you choose in which to do the exercise is free of distractions. You should feel completely free to lie back and enjoy the exercise.

  In order to learn to focus as fully as you can on the touch, it is best to cut down on stimulation to the other senses. For example, do not play music while you are doing the caress. Most people find it pleasant to listen to music, but for now we are trying to remove any sensory input that will compete with the caress. You will also want to close your eyes during at least part of the caress in order to concentrate more fully on the touch.

  Talking is almost always a distraction during a sensate-focus exercise. If you are the passive partner, the only time you should talk during the caress is if your partner does something that hurts or bothers you. If you are the active partner, you should not talk at all, except to say, “I’m done now.” Don’t ask your partner, “Is this okay?” or, “Do you want me to use lotion?” Do what you want to do and don’t worry about your partner. Trust that your partner will tell you if something is bothering him or her. Touch in the way that feels best for you.

  When you are the passive partner, your only assignment is to relax and enjoy the caress. It is not necessary to tell your partner what a great job he or she is doing. Telling your partner how wonderful you feel during the caress or finding some nonverbal way to say it (such as moaning or moving around) will only put performance pressure on your partner.

  Here are some issues that commonly come up for couples as early in the program as the face caress. The first, as I have mentioned, is distracting thoughts. It is natural to have thoughts about other things during a caress. The important thing is to recognize that this is happening and bring your attention back to the touch. Sometimes the thoughts will be about the exercise, for example, “I wonder if he’s thinking about touching my breasts,” or, “I wonder if this will really help my sex life.” If you are having thoughts of this type, it means you are not enjoying what is happening with the caress in the here and now. Rather, you are looking into the future, or, perhaps, worrying about the past (“Gee, it felt really good when she stroked my ears. I wonder if she’ll do that again”). The solution for distracting thoughts is to bring your mind back to the touch.

  It is also natural to feel some anxiety when beginning a caress. Do not expect to immediately relax completely, even if you did a few minutes of spoon breathing beforehand. It may take several minutes for you to become relaxed enough so that you can enjoy the caress. This is why each partner will normally take each role for at least fifteen to twenty minutes.

  When you are the active partner, take just a moment to notice whether your partner seems to be relaxed at the beginning of the caress. Later, notice whether there are any changes in your partner during the caress; for example, has your partner’s breathing become slower and more regular? This is a sign that he or she is relaxing. Many people become so relaxed during the face caress that they start to fall asleep. You might find it restful and enjoyable to sleep, but by doing so you will not learn anything from the exercise. If you are active and your partner begins to fall asleep, gently tap him or her on the shoulder.

  If you find that the opposite is true and you just cannot relax during the exercise, tell your partner. Switch roles and see if this helps you to relax, or go back to some more spoon breathing. There is no point in continuing an exercise if you are wound up so tightly that you can’t relax, even when you slow down your breathing, loosen your muscles, and focus on the touch. Stop for now and come back to the exercise later.

  The face caress is an exercise in sensuality, not sexuality. If you become sexually aroused during the face caress, this is fine. If you have severe premature ejaculation and you ejaculate during the face caress or any other exercise, this is also fine. Be aware of your arousal, but do not try to make it better and do not try to get rid of it or c
ontain it in some way. Focus on the part of your body that is being touched at that moment, rather than on your genitals.

  Feedback

  After each exercise, you and your partner will give each other feedback about how you felt. The feedback questions for all of the exercises are discussed in detail in Chapter 15, but I’ll review them here. Don’t forget to write the questions and answers in your journal. Use the following guidelines to discuss the face caress, the back caress, the front caress, and the genital caress.

  1. When you were passive, were you able to relax totally and to refrain from moving around? Or did you feel compelled to do something to convince your partner that he or she was doing a good job?

  2. When you were active, did you take pleasure for yourself rather than worrying about whether your partner was enjoying the caress? When you are active, you should be able to take pleasure for yourself most of the time.

  3. Which role were you more comfortable with, the active or the passive role? Was it easier for you to focus in one role than the other?

  4. What percentage of the time were you able to focus on the touch when you were active? When you were passive? Ideally, you should be able to focus on the touch over 50 percent of the time. If you are not able to focus this much, repeat the exercise as many times as you need to until your concentration improves.It may be helpful to examine the types of thoughts that are interfering with your concentration. If mundane things intrude, such as the laundry or the shopping list, you probably just haven’t had enough practice focusing. It may take a few sessions. If you are having thoughts or anxiety about your sexual problems or about future exercises, this is normal. Tell yourself you can worry about these things at some other time, so they don’t interfere with your focusing. Use the trash can/deep freeze technique you read about in Chapter 15 to help rid yourself of intrusive thoughts. Some people who have anxiety disorders related to their sexual problems (see Chapter 6) may actually need antianxiety medication in order to focus at the level necessary to do the sexual exercises.