Sexual Healing

by Barbara Keesling

  Men, if you are really concerned about premature ejaculation, remember to stay completely passive. Keep your breathing even. Don’t hold your breath when your partner touches your abdomen and genitals—focus on the touch. Ask your partner to touch you more slowly if you are having trouble focusing. Try not to tense your thigh muscles. It doesn’t matter if your partner is able to touch you for two seconds or twenty minutes before you ejaculate.

  After you do the arousal awareness exercise with your partner for the first time, give your partner feedback about whether she needs to go more slowly so that you can focus more easily. Remember, we are not yet trying to control an ejaculation, so whatever happens, happens.

  During this exercise, do not attempt to control your ejaculation at all. Your first impulse when your partner touches your genitals will be to tense up, hold your breath, and think about something else. Tell yourself to relax, and focus on your genital sensations the way you did when you did the arousal awareness exercise by yourself.

  If you do ejaculate quickly during this exercise, your partner should give you a front caress for a few minutes and then start over with the arousal awareness exercise. Any time you ejaculate quickly during any exercise, you can always start the exercise over after a few minutes.

  If you have had a problem with premature ejaculation for some time, you may have begun to feel that ejaculating is not pleasurable. You may be having ejaculations but not orgasms. When you feel that you are at the point of inevitability, you may experience an “Oh no!” feeling rather than a strong feeling of pleasure and impending release. Use this arousal awareness exercise to train yourself to start enjoying your ejaculations again rather than dreading them. From now on, whenever you have an ejaculation as a result of exercises you do from this book, I want you to passively allow yourself to experience it without tensing up and without moving. Enjoy it whenever it happens. It is fine for you to ejaculate at any time during this program if it’s going to happen. Your eventual ability to learn to ejaculate when you want to will depend on never trying to control an ejaculation. Ejaculating during an exercise does not mean that you have somehow “failed” the exercise. In fact, the opposite is true. If you enjoy an ejaculation whenever it happens, you have done the exercise well. Every time you have an experience in which you have an ejaculation and enjoy it rather than fight it, you are training yourself to last longer.

  There are two things we want to reinforce here and one thing we don’t. The two things we want to reinforce are having an ejaculation and enjoying it, and staying aroused for some period of time with stimulation but without ejaculating. The thing we don’t want to reinforce is trying to control an ejaculation once it is going to happen.

  If you are the partner of a man having problems with premature ejaculation, you may become frustrated when your partner ejaculates quickly. The best thing you can do to help at this stage, however, is to encourage him to enjoy the ejaculation whenever it happens. If your partner ejaculates quickly during any exercise, remember that you can always begin the exercise again after a few minutes.

  On the flip side, it doesn’t matter if you don’t have an ejaculation during these exercises. What matters is that you leave yourself alone and allow yourself to experience various levels of arousal without interfering with your own pleasure.

  Do the arousal awareness exercise as many times as you need to with manual and oral stimulation until you can reliably reach and recognize levels 7 and 8. It may take two or three or more repetitions until you are confident that you can distinguish how aroused you are. Repeat the exercise until you can receive manual and/or oral stimulation for fifteen minutes and experience various arousal levels.

  Exercise 24. PEAKING WITH MANUAL STIMULATION

  Remember that a peak is a wavelike increase in arousal. You know how to do a peaking exercise by yourself from Chapter 18. Now you’ll do it with your partner’s help. I’ll describe three versions of a peaking exercise: one with manual stimulation, one with oral stimulation, and one with intercourse. The intercourse exercises call for you to be the passive partner first and then the active partner.

  Before you begin, you and your partner should do focusing caresses with each other. Pleasure your partner with a front caress, genital caress, or some oral sex. To start the peaking exercise, lie on your back in the passive role. Your partner will begin a slow front caress and gradually move to your genitals. She should use plenty of lubrication.

  When you reach level 3, let her know by saying either “Three” or “Stop.” Your partner will then move her hand to your belly, thighs, or some other part of your body until your arousal has dropped one or two levels. Then she will caress your genitals again until you report level 4. She will stop and let your arousal go down again.

  As you reach each peak, say the number level out loud, take a deep breath, and relax your PC muscle and other pelvic muscles. Throughout the exercise, remember to focus on the point of contact between your skin and your partner’s skin. Do the exercise for about twenty-five minutes. Continue peaking up through levels 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9, and all the way to ejaculation and orgasm at the final peak if you want to. Try to do at least five or six separate peaks during this exercise.

  If you have a severe problem with premature ejaculation, you may be unable to go all the way up the scale the first time you do the exercise, and that’s okay. Worst-case scenario: You have such a serious case of premature ejaculation that the second your partner touches your genitals, you ejaculate. This probably won’t happen, but if it does, wait a few minutes and start the exercise over. Do more focusing caresses between the first and second peaking exercises. During your second attempt at the exercise, you should be relaxed enough after an ejaculation to be able to recognize several arousal levels.

  Alternatively, if you have trouble with this exercise, do a peaking exercise in which your partner touches some part of your body other than your genitals. Repeat the manual peaking exercise as many times as you need to until you can recognize all of the levels on the arousal scale. Then move on to a peaking exercise with oral stimulation.

  Here are some additional options for the manual peaking exercise. Remember that if you have a problem with premature ejaculation, you don’t know how to recognize the low levels on your arousal scale. You could do one manual peaking exercise just practicing the lower arousal levels of 3, 4, and 5, and stop there. Then, the next time you do the exercise, you could add another, higher level. Or, if you can recognize the lower levels but have trouble with the higher levels, you could always do a manual peaking exercise in which you only practice the higher levels of 6, 7, 8, and even 9. Sometimes it can take quite a bit of practice to be able to recognize level 9 and back away from it. Remember, at this stage, never consciously try to hold back an ejaculation. If you don’t ask your partner to stop in time, don’t panic. Just let the ejaculation happen and enjoy it. You can always try again later.

  If you have trouble recognizing a particular level, do an entire manual peaking exercise in which you only practice one level. For example, if you can recognize levels 1 through 7 but have trouble asking your partner to stop at level 8 in time to avoid the certainty of ejaculation, do one exercise in which you practice several peaks at level 8 and allow your arousal level to go down almost all the way back to level 1 between peaks. Or, better still, if you have trouble recognizing level 8 and asking your partner to stop in time, do a manual peaking exercise in which you do several peaks at the level right before 8 (level 7). Then, the next time you do the exercise, you will have a better grasp of level 8.

  When you become more confident in your ability to recognize all of the levels on the arousal scale passively with manual stimulation, start to become active by adding some movement. As your partner caresses you, do some pelvic rolls and thrusts. Move only your pelvis; don’t tighten your stomach, thigh, or PC muscles.

  When you’re peaking at higher levels during this exercise, your partner can stop and “detumesce” you for a few sec
onds after each peak is reached. Tumescence is the flow of blood to the genitals. With each successive peak, more blood enters the genitals and you become more aroused (provided that you remember to take deep breaths and that your muscles are relaxed). When you reach each peak, your partner can detumesce you by stopping the stimulation of your genitals and stroking your abdomen and thighs in the direction away from your genitals. This will cause blood to leave your genitals temporarily and your arousal level to go down.

  The first time you do the peaking process with manual stimulation, remember to stay passive. Take a deep breath and relax your leg muscles whenever you feel a surge of arousal. The peaking process will not benefit you if you are tense or try to control your ejaculation. Breathe deeply as you reach each new level. Your partner may notice if you are tense or holding your breath at any point during the peaking process, and she can help you by reminding you to breathe and relax.

  Stop between peaks long enough for your arousal to go down about two levels. It is just as important for you to get a sense that your arousal is going down as it is for you to get a sense of your arousal going up. The “down curves” of each peak are just as important as the “up curves,” because the down curves give you the sense that your arousal level is controllable if you breathe deeply and your partner stops the stimulation.

  Peaking will result in ejaculation control through self-awareness and relaxation, rather than through working at controlling your ejaculation or worrying about it. If you have a problem with premature ejaculation, at no time during any exercise should you attempt to control your ejaculation by tensing up your muscles. If you feel that you want to control your ejaculation, repeat the arousal awareness exercise or other, earlier exercises until you are more confident of your ability to relax.

  If you do ejaculate fairly quickly during any exercise in the peaking process, your partner can do a front caress with you for a few minutes and then start the peaking exercise over. Chances are good that you will experience some level of arousal again.

  Exercise 25. PEAKING WITH ORAL SEX

  Begin with each partner doing focusing caresses on the other. Then give your partner a sensate-focus front caress or genital caress, or do oral sex with her. Then lie on your back. Your partner will begin a front and genital caress with her hand. Then she’ll start to caress your penis and scrotum with her lips and tongue. Take about twenty-five minutes and peak up to levels 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 if you can. Remember to keep breathing regularly during the stimulation, breathe at each peak, keep your muscles relaxed, and focus on the sensations.

  Oral sex can be really stimulating for a man who has a problem with premature ejaculation. If you want to, you can break this exercise down into several steps. The first time you do the exercise, you could just do levels 3, 4, and 5 and stop there. You could then repeat the exercise, adding a new level each time. Or you could repeat the exercise, peaking several times at one level. Once you have more confidence in your ability to last during oral sex, you could start to make yourself active by doing some pelvic rolls or thrusts.

  Another technique that can help you last longer is to have your partner adjust the ways she does oral sex. A lot of men have trouble gaining awareness of their arousal level if their partner takes the penis all the way into her mouth and sucks really hard. Your partner needs to use a little finesse here. She needs to begin the genital portion of the exercise by just slowly licking your penis and scrotum. Then, if you are comfortable with it, she can slowly take your penis into her mouth and let it back out. Another alternative to some of the peaking techniques I discussed above is to do a whole peaking exercise with your partner just licking rather than sucking your penis. Then, when you feel more comfortable, gradually have her introduce sucking into a future repetition of the exercise.

  Peaking with Intercourse

  Before I describe how to peak inside your partner’s vagina, I would like to say another thing about premature ejaculation in general. Many men feel they ejaculate too quickly, when in fact the time they spend inside their partner’s vagina is probably equal to or longer than average. According to a survey conducted by the University of Chicago in the 1990s, the average amount of time an American man spends during actual intercourse is somewhere between four and eight minutes. By using the exercises in this book you will be able to have intercourse for a longer period of time. However, after you have done all of the exercises for premature ejaculation, you may feel that the level of arousal you reach is much more important than how long you can last.

  Responsibility, Part 2

  The following exercise is the first one that includes intercourse. Many of the exercises described later also include the possibility of intercourse. When doing any exercises involving the possibility of intercourse you will need to make sure you use reliable contraception if you don’t want to become pregnant.

  If you haven’t already done so, you will need to choose your method of contraception carefully, as some methods could potentially interfere with the sexual healing program. For example, spermicides cannot be used if you are going to do an exercise that includes both oral sex and intercourse, as they should not be ingested. Oral contraceptives don’t interfere with actual sex acts, but their long-term use can decrease a woman’s sex drive. Bottom line: No method of contraception is perfect, but, again, you must use a reliable method if you don’t want to become pregnant.

  Exercise 26. FIRST INTERCOURSE FOR PREMATURE EJACULATION

  The peaking process continues from hand and oral stimulation through intercourse. Before you begin peaking with intercourse, however, I would like for you to experience an episode of nondemand intercourse. There are two forms of nondemand intercourse: flaccid insertion and the “quick dip.” Use the quick dip if you tend to have strong erections. Use flaccid insertion if you tend to have less strong erections.

  The Quick Dip

  For the quick-dip version of the exercise, the couple adds a quick episode of intercourse to the end of a manual or oral peaking exercise. Do not use the quick dip until the man has experience with peaking during hand or oral stimulation at levels 8 and 9. The reason for the quick dip is not to practice lasting longer during intercourse. The purpose of the quick dip is to allow you to enjoy your ejaculation as much as you can.

  If you are aroused after a manual or oral peaking session and have peaked up to level 8 or 9, go ahead and have your partner get on top of your penis while you continue to lie on your back. Try to stay as passive as possible and let your partner do the thrusting. Use the sensate-focus method; that is, focus on the feel of your penis inside her vagina, breathe, and relax your leg muscles. It doesn’t matter how long you last before ejaculating. This isn’t a test to see how long you can hold out. It is a form of nondemand intercourse—a way for you and your partner to experience heightened arousal. Peaking prior to ejaculation will make your ejaculation stronger and more enjoyable when it happens.

  Flaccid Insertion

  If you choose the flaccid-insertion version of nondemand penetration, start with focusing caresses, such as back caresses. Then give your partner a genital caress or oral sex. Lie on your back and have your partner stimulate you to levels 4, 5, and 6 with manual and oral stimulation. Then lie on your side facing your partner as she lies on her back. This is the side-to-side scissors position. Interweave your legs so that your genitals are up against each other.

  Stroke a lot of lubrication onto your penis and around your partner’s vaginal opening. Now slowly insert your penis, whether it is flaccid, erect, or somewhere in between. Relax all of your muscles, breathe, and note your arousal level. If it is a 6 or under, begin slow pelvic rolls and thrusts and start peaking. Peak at levels 5, 6, 7, and 8, stopping between peaks for as long as you need to. See if you can do several peaks for about fifteen minutes, then ejaculate if you desire.

  If your arousal level is higher than 6 when you first insert your penis, stay still and allow your arousal level to decrease. Or you can withdraw and allow y
our arousal level to go down. Then re-enter, even if you are flaccid. If all you are able to do this first time is to lie inside your partner without moving, that’s fine—it is progress. Enjoy the sexual intimacy it brings. You should keep repeating this exercise until you can both recognize your arousal levels and you can move inside your partner. Breathe, relax, and focus on the sensations. You will do fine.

  For this version of the exercise, it doesn’t matter how much of your penis goes into your partner’s vagina, how long it stays there, whether it stays erect, whether you have an ejaculation, or whether your partner has an orgasm. Just relax and experience the feelings, whether they last a few seconds or a few minutes. What is important in this exercise is that you don’t pressure yourself, and that you allow yourself to experience the feelings of your penis inside your partner’s vagina while remaining comfortable. If you do ejaculate, leave your penis inside your partner’s vagina and continue to experience the sensations for a few more minutes.

  After you can do the side-to-side position for fifteen minutes, try the peaking exercise in different intercourse positions, in the following order: butterfly, woman on top, rear entry, and man on top. Your best position will probably be the butterfly position. Men tend to have more control in this position because their center of gravity is in their hips and legs rather than their chest. Start each new position in the passive role and let your partner do all of the moving at first. Then, when you get more confident, you, too, can start moving.

  General Pointers for Peaking with Intercourse

  Remember that in peaking with intercourse, just like in peaking with any other kind of stimulation, you can break the exercises into smaller exercises. You could do one exercise with only low-level peaks and one with only higher-level peaks. You could do an exercise in any intercourse position in which you do repeated peaks at a particular level.