Sexual Healing

by Barbara Keesling

  For other variations of the exercise, you could do one exercise with only low-level peaks and another with only higher-level peaks. Or you could do an exercise in which your partner caresses only your internal genitals or only your external genitals. Peaking is very versatile—you can make up your own version of an exercise based on your intuition about what you think will help you.

  Oral Sex

  For peaking using oral sex, begin with focusing caresses. Next, give your partner a sensate-focus front or genital caress, or do oral sex with him. Then lie on your back and relax. Your partner will begin a front and genital caress with his hand. Then he’ll start to caress your clitoris, inner and outer lips, and vaginal opening with his tongue. Take about twenty-five minutes and peak up to levels 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 if you can. You may need to repeat this exercise several times in order to reach some of the higher levels, and that’s okay. Take your time and don’t pressure yourself.

  The first time you do this version of the peaking exercise, stay relaxed. Then, when you are more confident with the exercise, add some pelvic rolls or thrusts, which can help increase your arousal. Remember to keep breathing regularly during the stimulation. Breathe at each peak, and keep your PC muscle relaxed.

  When peaking with oral sex, you could do one exercise in which you focus only on physical arousal, and then another exercise in which you focus only on psychological arousal. Or you could alternate one physical arousal peak and one psychological arousal peak. After you have a lot of experience with peaking, your sense of physical and psychological arousal will probably start to blend together.

  Exercise 69. PEAKING WITH INTERCOURSE

  Peaking can also be used with intercourse. The position that eventually will be most arousing to you will probably be the female-superior position, but for now I recommend that you start with the butterfly position. This position is also really arousing because it allows contact with so many of your genital erogenous zones. In addition, you’ll probably find it easier to focus if you’re in a more comfortable physical position (lying on your back versus kneeling).

  Begin with focusing caresses. Then give your partner a front caress, a genital caress, or oral sex. When your partner has an erection, lie on your back, spread your legs, and bend your knees. Remember to stay comfortable. If that means your legs are straight up in the air rather than bent, that’s fine. Your partner will kneel in front of you and put a lot of lubrication on both his penis and your genitals. He should then slowly begin to rub his penis against your clitoris. Breathe, relax, and stay focused. If you reach arousal level 3, tell him. He’ll stop the stimulation so your arousal level can go back down. See if you can do two or three peaks with stimulation from your partner’s penis on the outside of your genitals.

  When your partner is ready, he can insert his penis. He should slowly caress the inside of your vagina with his penis. Have him caress your A-spot, your G-spot, and the area around your cervix if he can reach it. Peak at levels 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 if you can. Spend about twenty to twenty-five minutes doing several peaks at whatever levels you can reach.

  Like the other peaking exercises, peaking with intercourse in the butterfly position is very versatile. You could do one exercise with only low-level peaks, and one with only higher-level peaks. Or you could do one exercise in which you do several peaks at the same level. You could do an entire peaking exercise using only stimulation of the outer genitals and another using only stimulation of the inner genitals. You could do one exercise using only stimulation of the A-spot and another using only stimulation of the G-spot. You could alternate physical and psychological arousal peaks. I’m sure you’ll think of other variations.

  A variation on the male-superior position that is specifically recommended for clitoral stimulation is the coital alignment technique (the CAT position). Lie on your back and have your partner lie on top of you. He will then pull himself up toward your shoulders so that when he thrusts, his penis goes in and out of you more vertically than horizontally.

  Here’s another variation that can give you more stimulation: While you and your partner are in the missionary position, twist your legs together. This will squeeze your partner’s penis between your thighs. Or you can press one of your feet on top of the other, which also tightens your grip on your partner’s penis.

  After you have a lot of experience peaking in the butterfly position, you will want to try all of the peaking variations in the other positions. The side-to-side position is good because it’s really comfortable, but it doesn’t provide much stimulation of the female genitals. If you want to do a peaking exercise in the side-to-side scissors position, it’s very easy for your partner to reach down and stimulate your clitoris with his fingers. In addition to all of the peaking variations I described above, in the scissors position you could alternate peaks with stimulation from your partner’s hand and peaks with stimulation from your partner’s penis.

  Although the rear-entry position can also be highly stimulating, I don’t generally recommend it for peaking. Due to the lack of eye contact, it’s sometimes difficult to communicate with your partner about when to stop and start the stimulation. Plus, the position itself makes it difficult to focus on the sensations in your genitals. There’s just too much going on.

  If you are practicing peaking exercises in order to learn to become more aroused, you will definitely want to use the female-superior position at some point. Sex therapists agree that it tends to be the position in which women become the most aroused. If you have practiced peaking in the butterfly position, you have learned to peak while remaining fairly passive. Once you decide to use the female-superior position, your partner will be passive and you will be active. This way, you will be able to control the timing, depth, and angle of thrusting during all of your peaks.

  Exercise 70. PLATEAUING FOR AROUSAL

  Remember from Chapter 18, on self-touch, that plateauing is very similar to peaking. The difference is that in a peaking exercise, you allow your arousal to go up to a certain level, recognize the level, and stop the stimulation so your arousal goes down. In plateauing, you reach a certain arousal level, recognize it, and then try to maintain your arousal at that level for anywhere from a few seconds to a couple of minutes.

  You can use any of four techniques to plateau: changing your movement, changing your breathing, changing your focus, and squeezing your PC muscle. In this chapter, you’ll use only the first three methods. Squeezing your PC muscle changes your arousal level by lowering it, and for the purposes of increasing a woman’s arousal, we don’t want that. (In the chapter on female orgasm, you’ll learn that squeezing your PC muscle at the moment just before orgasm can often trigger or enhance your orgasm, but we don’t want to use the PC muscle at the lower arousal levels because doing so can decrease arousal.)

  The exercise I describe below is a theoretical plateauing sequence; that is, I describe how it could happen. It doesn’t have to happen exactly this way or in exactly this order. If you can do the exercise exactly the way I describe it, that’s great. Remember that you are never under any pressure to reach certain arousal levels during any exercise. Focus on and approve of whatever levels you reach, even if they’re low levels.

  Begin your first plateauing session with focusing caresses. Then give your partner a front caress, a genital caress, or oral sex. Lie on your back and relax. Your partner will start a front caress with you, moving to a genital caress with his hand. When you reach arousal level 4, instead of telling your partner, speed up your breathing. This should cause your arousal to increase about half a level. When you feel you are slightly above level 4, slow your breathing down. This will cause your arousal to drop back to level 4. See if you can stay at level 4 by alternating between slower and faster breathing. Then just relax. Your partner will continue to caress you.

  Allow yourself to reach level 5. When you feel you are at level 5, thrust your pelvis against your partner’s hand. This will cause your arousal to go up about a half
level. Remember to stay relaxed when you do pelvic rolls and thrusts, as you learned in Chapter 17, so you don’t tense up. Now stop your thrusting. See if you can maintain your arousal at level 5 by starting and stopping your movement. Then relax again.

  For the next plateau, try a level 6. When you reach a level slightly above 6, switch your focus to a part of your body that your partner isn’t caressing. For example, if your partner is caressing the inside of your vagina, mentally switch your focus to your clitoris. Can you still feel your clitoris even if your partner isn’t touching it? See if you can stay at level 6 by switching your focus back and forth between the area your partner is caressing and an area he’s not currently caressing.

  At this point, you can keep going. See if you can plateau at levels 7, 8, and 9, using either a change in your breathing, a change in your movements, or a change in your focus. Once you have practiced all of these techniques, you’ll be able to use two of them or all three of them at the same time. Try to do a plateauing exercise for twenty or twenty-five minutes, no matter what levels you reach.

  From here, you can go in many different directions. You could do an entire plateauing exercise, practicing just one technique. You could have your partner add oral stimulation. You could do an entire plateauing exercise repeating several plateaus at the same level. Plateauing can also be used during intercourse. The best positions for doing so are the butterfly position, the side-to-side position, and the female-superior position.

  Using Erotica

  Until now, I have advised you to keep things simple—to do your sensate-focus exercises in a room with no distractions and to use only a bare minimum of supplies, like baby oil and towels. When people have sexual problems, I generally don’t recommend accessories like lingerie and X-rated videos. These additions usually complicate an already confusing situation. I believe that in order to solve most sexual problems, it’s best to make the sexual situation as basic as possible. But there’s an exception to this rule, and it has to do with women’s arousal problems.

  In the case of women’s arousal problems, I often recommend the use of sexually explicit materials. From an evolutionary standpoint, both men and women have evolved to become physically aroused at the sight of a naked person of the other sex. Most of us probably still have this ability. However, when many women view erotic material, they often have mixed feelings about it. Research shows that most women lubricate fairly rapidly at the first sight of a sexually explicit image. But then they start to pay attention to their psychological arousal, and many women are very turned off by the content of a lot of pornography, because it’s mostly designed for male tastes. So although a lot of women have the ability to become physically aroused by viewing pornography, many shut down because they focus on the idea that a lot of sexually explicit material can be disgusting. Women’s taste in erotica tends to be material that appeals to psychological arousal rather than physical arousal. For example, romance novels rather than still pictures of genitals tend to appeal to women.

  Women can sometimes learn to become more aroused by retraining themselves in the ability to feel physical arousal at the sight of sexually explicit images. There is no specific sensate-focus exercise using sexually explicit materials, but you could buy some magazines that contain images of naked men or of couples making love and look at the pictures while you relax, paying attention to your physical arousal rather than your psychological arousal. See if any of the images cause you to lubricate. Or you could caress yourself while looking at pictures. The trick is to find images that aren’t a psychological turn on but are physically arousing. With everything that’s available on the Internet, you should be able to find something to fit the bill.

  Vibrators

  Earlier in this chapter I described the use of a dildo to stimulate various areas of your genitals. A dildo is a penis-shaped sex toy. Some dildos vibrate and some do not. Up to now I have described exercises with dildos that don’t vibrate. Now let’s talk about vibrators. Vibrators come in many shapes and sizes. They aren’t necessarily shaped like penises. Some are meant to be inserted into the vagina, but many aren’t. If you have never used a vibrator, getting one (or a whole collection of them) could be a valuable aid in healing your arousal and orgasm problems.

  The most common types of vibrators are penis-shaped ones, small ones about the size of a car cigarette lighter, and large ones (about the size of your forearm) that have a round, vibrating head. If you have arousal or orgasm problems, I think you owe it to yourself to peruse a sex toys catalog or website or to visit an adult store to see the seemingly countless different kinds of vibrators that are available. Once you have selected one (or more), you can use it as an addition to many of the exercises in this book. You can do any caress on your external genitals using a vibrator in addition to your hand, or you can use a vibrator as an adjunct during oral sex or intercourse if it helps you get more aroused. For all sorts of additional creative ideas about how to use your new toys, get a copy of the book The Many Joys of Sex Toys, by Anne Semans (see Recommended Reading). Just remember to follow the sensate-focus principles: focus on the sensations, breathe, and relax.

  Lubricants

  Some women experience psychological arousal and vasocongestion (swelling) in their genitals, but they don’t lubricate. They need to use some form of externally applied lubricant to stay comfortable, especially during intercourse. Even women who lubricate naturally when they are aroused sometimes experience a little vaginal dryness and need to have a commercial lubricant handy. Here’s my point: It’s a good idea for all women (and men, too) to keep a sexual lubricant on hand for either self-pleasuring or sensual encounters with a partner. No one should feel embarrassed about using artificial lubrication.

  Many different commercial lubricants are available. There’s no single lubricant that’s perfect for every woman. The two main types of lubricant are oil-based and water-based. Oil-based lubricants include mineral oil, baby oil, and petroleum jelly (Vaseline). Some people use food oils such as vegetable oil or olive oil as sexual lubricants. Water-based lubricants include K-Y jelly and some of the products that claim to mimic natural vaginal lubrication, such as Astro-Glide. Water-based lubricants such as K-Y jelly have medical uses in addition to sexual ones. Adult stores offer large selections of flavored lubricants that are designed specifically for use on the genitals. Personally, I prefer oil-based lubricants, but a lot of people think they are too greasy. Water-based lubricants tend to stay cold on the body and to impart a clammy feeling. Plus, after being exposed to the air for a while, they can become sticky or tacky.

  As part of the sexual healing process for your arousal problems, you will probably want to purchase several types of lubricants and use them during genital caresses on yourself to see which ones you like best. Be aware that if your partner uses condoms for intercourse, you need to use a water-based lubricant with the condom. Oil-based products cause condoms to fall apart. (As a side note, also be aware that if you use condoms for contraception—and not just for protection from sexually transmitted diseases—you need to use a spermicide to give the condom maximum effectiveness. Spermicidal jellies lubricate the vagina; other types of spermicides, such as suppositories and foams, do not.)

  Medical Solutions

  A number of herbal products that are sold over the counter in health-food stores claim to increase a woman’s sexual arousal. To my knowledge, none of them have been tested to see whether they work better than a placebo. In addition, a number of testosterone-based creams are available through compounding pharmacies. These are applied topically, usually to the thighs, for several weeks. Apparently they can increase desire and the ability to become aroused. See Chapter 28 for a more thorough discussion of testosterone therapy in treating low sexual desire.

  Men can take Viagra, which works by promoting blood flow into the penis, to improve their erections. If the drug increases genital blood flow in men, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t do so in women, but to my knowledge it has n
ot been shown to be effective for women in clinical trials. However, some physicians prescribe it anyway, and some women have found that it increases their physical arousal.

  Another over-the-counter product, Zestra, is a botanical massage oil that’s applied directly to the vulva. It has been shown to increase desire, arousal, and genital sensations. Finally, the Eros clitoral stimulator is similar to the vacuum erection device for men, but as the name implies it’s designed for women. It looks like a small oxygen mask and fits over the pubic mound. An attached pump is used to pump the air out of the device, which creates a vacuum that draws blood into the clitoris and surrounding area. This action can definitely increase a woman’s sense of physical sexual arousal.

  Research on female sexuality has historically lagged behind research on male sexuality. The good news is that we are finally starting to catch up. I predict that in the very near future you’ll see a lot of new medical and behavioral options for women with sexual concerns.

  chapter 27

  Healing Female Orgasm Disorder