Sexual Healing

by Barbara Keesling

  Another way to use romantic love to boost your sexual desire is to utilize your memory. Think back to when you did have that head-over-heels romantic feeling for your partner and fantasize about it. Or maybe there’s a person for whom you feel passionate love or even just plain lust, but you haven’t acted on it. Fantasize about that person. It’s okay—you’re not going to act on it with that person; you’re going to act on it with your partner. Your partner will be the beneficiary of your fantasy about a past or current lust object. The lust object doesn’t have to be anyone you know. It could be someone unattainable to you, like a celebrity or authority figure.

  Which brings me to my next suggestion—fantasy. Research shows that sexual fantasy is highly related to sexual desire. People who report that they fantasize more also report that they feel more sexual desire, and vice versa. You are free to fantasize about anything you like. It doesn’t have to be about sex with your current partner. If you’ve had problems with low sexual desire for so long that you literally can’t even think of anything to fantasize about, then visit a bookstore and browse through the shelves of erotica and the collections of typical fantasy scenarios to help you get started.

  And, of course, related to fantasy is the use of sexually explicit materials. These could include written erotica or visual materials such as still pictures or videos, or even recordings of sexual words. I call this stuff sexually explicit material rather than pornography. A lot of people are turned off by the concept of pornography, because much of it is either sleazy or totally maleoriented (or both). A lot of pornographic material contains images that are either demeaning or insulting to women. But it’s possible to find sexually explicit materials that are milder but that still have the potential to be arousing. Research has long shown that viewing sexually explicit materials leads to temporary increases in both sexual desire and sexual behavior. In fact, this was one of the major findings of the Meese Commission on pornography back in the 1980s. I’m not trying to talk you into becoming a porn connoisseur. However, the correlation is so strong that I think if you are having problems with low sexual desire you should at least try to find some kind of sexually explicit material that is both acceptable and arousing to you.

  Another factor that has been shown to be highly and reliably related to sexual desire is novelty. We usually think of novelty in terms of having sex with different partners. Most people’s relationships probably aren’t set up to allow for that sort of thing. But you can introduce novelty into your relationship by having sex in different settings, in different positions, or introducing new elements into your sexual situations.

  Situational factors that can be especially potent in terms of heightening desire are a couple of glasses of wine, special foods, a situation with few distractions, music, or making love with some or all of your clothes on. If you want to use music to set the sexual scene, it’s probably best to use instrumental music, especially at first. Song lyrics can be distracting in a sexual situation. Also, don’t have the television on if you want to increase the desire potential in a sexual situation. Women in particular have reported that a television playing the background is a huge turn-off. Many people find that receiving compliments during sex is a turn-on. So is intellectually stimulating or challenging conversation.

  Your body image has a very big effect on your level of sexual desire. Gaining weight can cause you to experience a decrease in sexual desire. Exercising, changing one’s diet, and losing weight have all been shown to increase desire. Exercise is especially important. Any form of physical exercise (whether it’s walking, running, swimming, having sex, or whatever) will increase the dopamine levels in your brain. Dopamine is a brain chemical that’s related to enjoyment of life. It’s especially active when you’re in love. Even mild forms of exercise increase it. Diet is important, too. Eating a lot of heavy carbohydrates can make you feel sluggish, and eating too many fats can actually interfere with arousal, especially with erections in men. As I said in Chapter 17, on sexual fitness, just about any kind of physical exercise will ultimately benefit your sex life. The exception is cycling. While it’s really good for you from an aerobic standpoint, it can put pressure on the blood vessels in the groin area and can potentially interfere with arousal and erection, although just like any other form of exercise, cycling should increase desire. Some companies make special bicycle seats that have openings where the pubic bone and surrounding areas generally come into contact with the seat. This type of seat could potentially help with arousal problems that stem from pressure on the blood vessels in the groin area.

  A few other miscellaneous things have been shown to increase sexual desire, especially in women. Believe it or not, many women report that sunbathing causes them to feel sexual. Meditation and relaxation exercises also increase desire, even though they seem as though they would relax you rather than cause you to feel desire. Yoga is especially good.

  Women often experience ebb and flow in their levels of sexual desire depending on their monthly cycle. It would make sense from an evolutionary standpoint that a woman should feel the highest levels of sexual desire during ovulation, when she has the best chance of becoming pregnant. But that’s not always the case. Every woman is different, and some women report their highest levels of sexual desire right before their period or even during their period.

  The potential influence of pheromones on sexual desire is controversial. Pheromones are chemicals excreted by the body that may have an effect on the sex drive of potential mates. Pheromones regulate sexual behavior in the animal kingdom. They exert their action through the sense of smell. For example, neither rats nor dogs mate unless the females produce certain pheromones that attract the males. The complete influence of pheromones on human behavior remains unknown, although it has been found that exposure to certain animal pheromone compounds can cause reactions in human females. Women who wear clothing that has had male scent applied to it often experience changes in their levels of desire or in their menstrual cycles. Many women like to wear their partner’s clothes and take in his scent. It’s even been shown that there are components in semen that can increase a woman’s level of sexual desire. That’s still another reason why actually having sex can increase your desire: Exposure to your partner’s semen in your vagina can boost libido.

  Many of the above suggestions are pretty basic, I admit. Now we come to some of the heavy stuff—or I guess we could call them the intangibles. Women especially are turned on when they feel an emotional connection to a partner. That’s not something you can fake, and it’s not something you can create by using some gimmick. Generally, women feel intimate when they feel safe and feel that they can trust their partner. They also feel intimate when they are looking at a partner face to face. Many women report that an evening of watching a romantic movie together (no television with advertising, please) and then lying together and talking about the movie leads to a sense of intimacy.

  To me, the biggest factor in sexual desire is what I would call involvement in life. This is really more of a philosophical issue than a sexual one. Would you expect to feel interested in sex if you weren’t interested in anything else in your life? Of course not, and yet some people have no passion for anything but still expect themselves to be sexual dynamos in bed. It’s just not going to happen. Passion outside the bedroom transfers to passion inside the bedroom. I’ll tell you an anecdote that illustrates this point. Many years ago a couple I knew was in marriage counseling. When the counselor met with each person separately, he asked the wife, “What’s your main complaint about your sex life?” She replied, “It’s boring.” The counselor said, “Boring people have boring sex.” I couldn’t agree with him more. Remember back in the 1970s when Henry Kissinger was quoted as saying something like, “Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac?” Why do you think powerful people are so sexually attractive? I suspect one of the main reasons is because they’re passionate about their cause (even though the cause may be misguided). Involvement in life is sexy, whethe
r it’s on the global level or the one-on-one interpersonal level. To help your partner increase his or her sexual desire, you must convey to your partner that you are involved and completely focused.

  Another huge psychological factor in sexual desire is the power of memory. Research shows that most of us don’t have an especially good memory for specific sexual episodes, but most of us have a very good memory for the first time we fell in love. Being able to reconnect with those memories can help us jump-start our libido in adulthood. Most people report that their first crush, or their first inkling of what sexual love might be like, took place when they were between the ages of eight and twelve. Being able to reconnect with the memories of a first teenage or preadolescent crush might help your current level of libido, even if the person you first fell in love with is not your current partner. This can be true whether or not you had any sexual contact with your first love.

  There are so many potential ways that you can boost your libido. I’m sure you’ll come up with some of your own in addition to my list. A temporary bout of low sexual desire provides unlimited opportunities for sexual healing.

  chapter 29

  Healing Sexual Aversion Disorder

  Anxiety is a subject that’s very close to me. I’ve suffered from anxiety all my life, ranging from mild anxiety to panic attacks, although my anxiety has been unrelated to sexual concerns. Basically, I seem to have anxiety about nearly everything but sex. Yet, when I was a surrogate partner, I was very successful at helping people who suffered from intense sexual anxiety. I have no idea why this was true, considering that I’m the anxiety disorder poster child myself. Maybe my clients looked at me and figured their anxiety level wasn’t so bad.

  Here are a couple of hints to help you reduce anxiety in general, not just sexual anxiety. If you do any stimulants, give them up now. I’m not only talking about illegal stimulants like cocaine or amphetamine, but it goes without saying that if you have anxiety and you use those substances, they are causing your anxiety to be much worse. I’m talking about legal, over-the-counter stimulants like nicotine and caffeine. If you use these substances and have anxiety, you need to stop using them now. You may not believe it, but they are making your anxiety much worse. Too much caffeine (the amount contained in a few cups of coffee or soft drinks) on a daily basis can send you from moderate but manageable anxiety to full-blown panic attacks. No one told me this, so I had to learn it the hard way. A couple of panic attacks on the freeway was all it took for me to give up caffeine completely. Even a piece of chocolate sends me into an episode of rapid heart rate.

  Besides giving up stimulants, if you have a tendency toward anxiety you must practice some kind of relaxation training in addition to the sexual exercises you will learn in this book. Possibilities include meditation, listening to music, and yoga. You must set aside half an hour each day just to relax, with no outside mental stimulation.

  Another suggestion is worry beads. They are unfamiliar to many Americans, but they are used in Europe, especially in the Mediterranean countries. (They probably need them over there, because they smoke a lot and drink a lot of coffee.) People carry a string of beads in their pockets and play with them when they are under stress. Any string of beads will do. Alternatively, you could wear a watch or a bracelet that can function in the same way. When you become aware that you are stressed out, slowly stroke the beads. Doing so will calm you down.

  The most common symptoms of anxiety are rapid heart rate, dizziness, and shortness of breath. Although these symptoms may not sound all that bad, they can have very serious consequences. They can be debilitating and interfere with your life. One example of an incapacitating form of anxiety is agoraphobia, which is a fear of leaving one’s house. It literally makes a prisoner out of the person who has it.

  The good news is that anxiety is highly treatable. The reason why sexual problems respond so well to treatment is because the treatment is based on anxiety-reduction strategies. Anxiety problems probably have the highest cure rate of any of the psychological problems. Even if you suffer from severe sexual anxiety, there is hope.

  I’ll include one caveat here. If you suffer from very severe anxiety, you may need the help of a qualified therapist and/or medication to get you to a place where you can deal with sexual stimulation. However, keep in mind that if you take one of the most commonly prescribed antianxiety agents like Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, or other chemically similar drugs (the SSRIs), they will reduce your anxiety, but they’ve also been shown to depress sexual desire and to delay or interfere with orgasm. In the case of severe, life-altering anxiety, the trade-off may be worth it, at least temporarily. Even if you think you may need a therapist or medication, you can still try the exercises in this book. They can’t hurt you, and you might reap some benefit from them before you decide to see a therapist.

  Unlike many of the other chapters on healing specific sex problems, such as premature ejaculation and orgasm difficulties, this chapter doesn’t contain specific exercises for sexual aversion disorder. Instead, I offer four typical treatment programs: one for mild sexual anxiety, one for moderate general sexual anxiety, one for specific sexual fears, and one for severe sexual anxiety, including fears of touching or being touched.

  To help you with any of the programs outlined here, you will want to obtain a medical device that can display and record your pulse rate, such as a home blood pressure monitor. A device is available that fits over one finger and displays both pulse rate and blood pressure.

  Mild Sexual Anxiety

  Do you experience rapid heart rate when you think about having sexual contact? Does even this mild level of anxiety cause you to avoid sexual situations? Do you tense up when your partner touches you?

  On the other hand, were you able to read through all of the exercises in this book without being scared? Could you picture yourself doing the exercises? If so, your anxiety level is probably low enough that you can use the program in this book without any modifications. Go through the chapters in the following order:1. Do the relaxation exercises in Chapter 16 on a daily basis. Use your pulse monitor to check your pulse before you start the relaxation exercises and then again when you finish. When you see that you can control your anxiety level and cause it to go down, you will feel a sense of mastery.

  2. Put yourself on a program of relaxation training for twenty to thirty minutes a day. Use meditation, yoga, listening to music, or commercial relaxation tapes. You can learn both meditation and yoga from books or videos if you would rather not take a class.

  3. Do the sexual fitness exercises in Chapter 17.

  4. Do the self-touch exercises in Chapter 18. If you feel anxious during any of the exercises, back up to a previous exercise with which you felt comfortable, and then try the new exercise at a later date.

  5. Do the basic partner exercises in Chapters 19 through 22. Again, if you feel anxious during any exercise, back up to a previous exercise or to a body part you felt more comfortable with. Then, try the new exercise again next time. Or stop in the middle of the exercise you are uncomfortable with, do some deep breathing or muscle relaxation, and then resume the exercise. The basic sensate-focus partner exercises will help you relax while touching your partner’s genitals and having your partner touch yours.

  6. For more advanced training and sexual enjoyment, do the peaking and plateauing processes with your partner. If you are a woman, do the peaking and plateauing as described in Chapter 26, on female sexual arousal disorder. If you are a man, do the peaking and plateauing processes as described in Chapter 23, on premature ejaculation.

  Congratulations! Now you’re ready for anything. With this background you should be able to do any of the other exercises in this book. If you find that once the anxiety is gone you have issues with arousal or orgasm, do the exercises in the appropriate chapters.

  Moderate Generalized Sexual Anxiety

  Does the thought of sexual contact literally make you queasy but not to the level of actual panic? Do you av
oid not only actual sexual contact but also reading about sex or looking at sexually explicit materials? If so, your personality has probably acquired an element of erotophobia, a generalized fear of all things sexual.

  If you seek drug therapy for moderate levels of anxiety, in addition to drugs like Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft, watch out for high blood pressure medications and alpha and beta blockers. Some of these are often prescribed for anxiety, but in some people they do the opposite: They increase an already rapid heart rate and its accompanying anxiety sensations.

  Of course, you might be scared of sexual contact for a very good reason. Perhaps in the past you suffered child molestation or some other sexual trauma, or you caught a sexually transmitted disease. These are all good explanations for your fear of sex, and again, you may need some individual therapy to help you deal with past issues.

  There’s also the possibility that your anxiety might be telling you something. Two of the biggest sources of anxiety are living with someone you don’t want to live with and doing things you don’t want to do. If at some level you are uncomfortable around your partner because you don’t trust him or her, that’s a bit more complicated than just a fear of sex.

  If you’ve ruled out all of the above causes for your anxiety, you are ready to proceed with this program. You will get over your moderate level of sexual anxiety using the same program I described above for mild anxiety, with a couple of additions: desensitization and shaping.

  Desensitization means the gradual presentation of sexual material that is more and more explicit. To help you get over the anxiety you experience in an actual sexual situation, it will help if you can desensitize yourself to sexually explicit materials in general. I’m not going to try to turn you into a porn addict, but you need to be able to look at adult materials without being embarrassed or anxious. Sexually explicit materials range from four-letter words, written descriptions of sexual activity, and sex scenes in mainstream movies all the way up through very graphic X-rated or hard-core materials like still pictures, videos, or live streaming content on the Internet.