Are you worried about your bones? Lovemaking can help ward off osteoporosis because it involves physical exercise. Making love often, whether vigorously or for long periods of time, exercises the long muscles of the arms and legs, and gives the body a more sculpted look. For the same reasons, making love can increase your metabolism and help you lose weight. Lovemaking makes you look and feel better overall: Your hair is shinier, your eyes are brighter, and your skin is fresher and more radiant—all benefits of enhanced circulation.
As wonderful as lovemaking is, there are some things it cannot do for your health. It can’t make up for horrible health habits such as eating junk food, smoking, taking drugs, or using alcohol excessively. But with all the good feelings that come from sexually inspired health, you may find yourself drawn to healthier habits anyway.
I believe very strongly in the healing power of lovemaking because I witnessed some incredible physical healing take place when I did surrogate work. I believe that if this type of healing can develop between a client and a surrogate partner, then the intimate bond that exists between long-term lovers—the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual mutuality you share with your partner—should provide the ideal context for advanced sexual healing. Imagine the power you can create when you make love with the intent to heal yourself and your partner.
Many people believe in the abstract that lovemaking can positively affect physical health, but here, for the first time, I am presenting self-help exercises that show you how to tap into this potential. First, I categorize physical ailments into groups. Then, I discuss the concepts of mind-body healing and how sexual union specifically nourishes the mind-body connection. I offer specific strategies for healing the different types of physical conditions, using exercises from previous chapters as well as some new ones that you will find rewarding if you have physical limitations.
For the purposes of healing, I divide illness into four main categories: psychosomatic illnesses, stress disorders, chronic illnesses, and physical conditions resulting from trauma. See the sections that follow for descriptions of each. As a surrogate partner and therapist, these categories served me well when developing healing approaches and designing programs for clients. By understanding the root cause of an illness, you can emphasize exercises that address that cause as well as the symptoms.
Psychosomatic Illness: How Mind Affects Body
Most people are familiar with the concept of psychosomatic illness: the idea that our mental state, such as attitudes and emotions, can influence whether we get sick, how quickly we get better, or even the development of chronic health problems such as heart disease and cancer. The idea that an illness is psychosomatic does not mean that it is “all in your head” or is not real. On the contrary, psychosomatic illnesses involve observable tissue damage. Psychosomatic means that our psychology plays some part in an illness, no matter how small a part. In a sense, all medical problems are psychosomatic, because being sick affects us psychologically. The fact that the mind can influence the body has made it possible to design treatments for cancer that include aspects such as relaxation and visualization.
What is the tie-in to sexuality? People experiencing sexual problems often report one or more psychosomatic symptoms, such as migraine headaches, stomach problems, or skin problems. When their sexual problem is successfully treated, their medical problems often become less severe or disappear entirely.
Sigmund Freud was one of the first to recognize psychosomatic illness and its links to sexuality. Freud thought that repressed sexual conflicts could emerge as physical symptoms, and he seems to have been correct. If sexual interactions are a source of conflict or anxiety for you, they could definitely have a negative effect on your physical health. Many people intuitively recognize that their sexual interactions are a source of stress, and thus they attempt to avoid sexual activity. Unfortunately, ignoring the problem will not make it go away, and many people find that even if they give up sexual activity, their psychosomatic complaints remain. The complaints may take on a different physical form, but they remain because the lack of sexual activity is itself a source of unconscious conflict. If you have a fear of sexuality that is reflected in health problems, the exercises in this book provide a way to relearn your sexual expression in a gradual and nonthreatening manner, and to use this positive sexual experience as a way to heal your body and your mind.
Let me caution you that the relationship between sexuality and health has not been proven by psychologists; we only know that these things seem to be related to each other in predictable ways. I would like to be able to say unequivocally that improving your sex life will improve your overall physical and mental health. However, there is no absolute scientific proof that positive sexual activity keeps you healthy or that lack of sexual expression causes illness. Believe it or not, no psychologist has ever tried to research these connections! That said, let me repeat what I touched on earlier: Based on my experience with clients, it does appear that many people who are cured of sexual problems find that certain health problems they had been experiencing go away. And it is definitely the case that resolving a sexual problem results in lower levels of anxiety and depression, which can in turn reduce health problems.
While psychology plays a part in creating or maintaining a psychosomatic illness, let me also repeat that both the pain and the tissue damage are real. I believe that most illnesses have a psychosomatic component and can be partially healed psychologically. I have even seen serious medical conditions such as cancer respond to psychological intervention. When medical professionals talk about psychosomatic illnesses, they are usually referring to specific conditions, including cardiovascular problems, ulcers and other gastrointestinal problems like irritable bowel syndrome, asthma, skin problems such as psoriasis, immune disorders such as certain forms of arthritis, chronic pain, migraines, and menstrual problems.
Stress Disorders
Psychologists usually refer to stress disorders as “psychological factors affecting physical conditions.” This category includes any medical condition in which stress plays a role. Stress grows out of the necessity to adjust to changes in one’s environment. That means stress-related disorders can include psychosomatic illnesses as well as vaguer conditions such as fatigue, and short-term conditions such as heartburn or neck pain.
When you experience long-term stress, your sympathetic nervous system is chronically activated. Your adrenal glands secrete hormones that degrade your organs over time. The difference between psychosomatic illnesses and stress disorders is the cause of the ailment, not the actual physical symptoms. Stress disorders are linked to environmental factors, whereas psychosomatic illnesses are generally caused (or at least worsened) by long-term anxiety, repression, anger, or depression.
Chronic Illnesses
Chronic illnesses are ongoing, incurable, and usually degenerative conditions that a person copes with on a daily basis. For example, lupus, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s disease, cancer, cerebral palsy, Huntington’s disease, and amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) are all considered chronic illnesses. We could also include the sexually transmitted viruses like herpes and HIV in this category because living with them certainly requires adjustment. Sexual healing can help alleviate the discomforts of chronic illness, strengthen the immune system, and feed a person’s overall well-being—all keys to living successfully with chronic illness.
Physical Trauma
In this category I include conditions resulting from accidents and surgery, such as spinal cord injury, major burns, paralysis, and limb amputation. I also include severe obesity and genetic defects here, because many of the healing issues are the same. Conditions resulting from physical trauma are likely to be disfiguring, and as such they call on special elements of sexual healing. In our culture, physical attractiveness is a big part of sexual attraction, and conditions that make a person look different require the healing qualities of self-acceptance and self-worth. If you are the partner of someo
ne with a condition resulting from physical trauma, sexual healing can also heal issues or attitudes you may hold about health and physical appearance and how they relate—or don’t relate—to making love.
The sexual healing of physical ailments draws on the holistic power of an individual’s mental and physical self. However, there are types of illnesses that, because of their causes, cannot benefit from sexual healing, and so I do not address them here. Such problems include schizophrenia, severe depression, dissociative identity disorder (formerly multiple personality disorder), and forms of dementia such as Alzheimer’s disease. These illnesses have mental or physical causes and symptoms and require specific, professional psychological or medical intervention.
Sexual Healing of Specific Psychosomatic Illnesses and Stress-Related Conditions
I have used the sexual healing program for all of the following conditions. I have seen it work wonders for many people with psychosomatic and stress-related problems.
Cardiovascular Problems
Cardiovascular problems include angina, chest pain, shortness of breath, high blood pressure, and poor circulation, especially in the lower half of the body. Many men who take high blood pressure medication wish to go off it because it can affect erections. To help treat high blood pressure, make ample use of the breathing and muscle relaxation exercises described in Chapter 16. For angina, do the same; you should try to promote relaxation as much as possible. For poor circulation, when you receive a back caress or front caress, have your partner massage toward the affected part of your body, literally forcing blood flow from the center of your body to your arms and legs. Although your partner will need to use a stronger massage technique for this stroke, the caress can still be done in a focused, sensual way.
For all circulatory problems, I also recommend nurturing and trustbased partner exercises that can “open your heart,” such as those described in Chapter 34. And be sure to do any exercises in this book in which your partner places his or her hand or face on your heart; this will strengthen your healing connection and intentions.
Breathing Difficulties
These include asthma, allergies, and sinus problems. Many people with asthma are afraid to become aroused or have an orgasm because doing so may trigger an asthma attack. As a result, they become dependent on an inhaler. If you want to use sexual healing for respiratory ailments, pay special attention to the breathing, relaxation, arousal awareness, and peaking exercises, and do them by yourself before you do them with your partner. Doing the exercises alone, at first, will help you learn to become aroused slowly and to breathe more deeply as you become aroused. If during any exercise your breathing becomes ragged, back off to an exercise with which you were comfortable and didn’t have breathing difficulties.
Skin Problems
These include conditions such as eczema and psoriasis. If you use a topical medication, apply it by rubbing it on in a sensate-focus way, or have your partner do it. If your condition is contagious, your partner can wear gloves. Your focus in healing skin problems is to bring blood flow to the skin. All of the arousal exercises will accomplish this, including those for arousal awareness, peaking, and plateauing. Any exercises that include intercourse and/or that lead to orgasm will also produce a healthful skin flush.
Immune-System Disorders
These include conditions such as rheumatoid arthritis. If you have painful, swollen joints, you may be unable to caress yourself, so you may need your partner to do it. Find comfortable positions in which your weight is not on your joints; for example, use a side-to-side position for intercourse. Pay special attention to genital caresses. Your goal is to become as aroused as you can without making painful body movements. This will increase endorphin production and relieve some of your pain. You may also find it helpful for your partner to give you mild sensate-focus caresses on the affected joints.
Chronic Pain
Chronic pain can occur anywhere in the body. Sexual healing is especially good for pain in the muscles of the neck, back, and shoulders. Relaxation, breathing, and sensate-focus caresses on the affected area will help relax your body and alleviate pain. I recommend caressing for about fifteen to twenty minutes in a warm, comfortable room. Exercises that encourage prolonged arousal will also stimulate painkilling endorphins. For the special case of pain during intercourse, see Chapter 31.
Migraines
A migraine is a specific, severe form of headache caused by blood-flow problems and muscle tension, usually triggered by stress. To treat migraines, the goal is either to increase blood flow to the head or draw the flow away from it. Both approaches will work. If you are not in the middle of a migraine attack, usher more blood flow into your head by having your partner do a face caress. Have your partner pay special attention to the frontalis muscle, which is located between the eyebrows. If you are in the middle of a migraine attack, have your partner try a front caress and a genital caress to increase blood flow to the genital area. This will also increase endorphin production and relieve pain. Then continue with relaxation exercises, and eventually move to arousal awareness and peaking.
In some rare cases, migraines can occur after orgasm because of changes in the blood-flow patterns. If this is a problem for you, you might prevent it by altering your arousal pattern to include slow, predictable stimulation, or by becoming multiply orgasmic and having a series of small orgasms instead of one strong orgasm that is more likely to cause a migraine.
Gastrointestinal Problems
These include illnesses such as ulcers, colitis, and irritable bowel syndrome. Such conditions are very common in men with premature ejaculation and in women with inhibited orgasm. Again, sensate-focus exercises will bring blood flow to the pelvic and lower abdominal area from the periphery of the body. To bring about healing, try genital caresses, peaking, plateauing, and orgasm—any exercise or series of exercises that relaxes your abdominal muscles and increases blood flow to your pelvis.
Menstrual Problems
These include premenstrual syndrome (PMS), cramps, or irregular periods. Pelvic problems and PMS respond well to sexual healing; in fact, these conditions are among the easiest health problems to treat. Pelvic massage and orgasm are well-known effective treatments for menstrual cramps. In addition, relief can be found with sensate-focus caresses on the abdomen, genital caresses, peaking, and any other sexual healing exercises that lead to orgasm.
Prostate Problems
There is some controversy about the effect of sexual activity on the prostate gland. On the one hand, I have read that men who engage in a lot of sexual activity with several different partners are more susceptible to infections of the prostate gland and eventually to prostate cancer. (They obviously would also be putting themselves at increased risk for contracting a sexually transmitted disease.) However, I’ve also read that men who engage in more sexual activity tend to have better prostate health.
As far as I know, regular ejaculation can have a beneficial effect on benign prostate hypertrophy (BPH), commonly called an enlarged prostate. But how often is “regular,” especially if you are an older man? You can usually tell by the color of your semen. Healthy semen is whitish, not yellowish. However, don’t force yourself to ejaculate if you don’t feel like it; this can contribute to a problem with male orgasm disorder. Regular ejaculation will not help prevent prostate cancer, which usually has a genetic or environmental basis.
It is important for men over age forty to undergo a regular rectal digital examination of their prostate gland, plus a prostate-specific antigen (PSA) test. Some experts on tantra and other Eastern modes of sexuality believe that a man should practice orgasm without ejaculation, because ejaculation depletes the chi or vital essence. All medical research I am familiar with, however, recommends regular ejaculation, especially for men over fifty.
General Lack of Physical Conditioning
You can actually use lovemaking to help yourself get into better overall shape. This is an extension of the line of thinking pres
ented in Chapter 17, “Sexual Fitness.” Making love is a great aerobic activity. Furthermore, positions that require you to kneel, stand, squat, or put your legs up will all help develop your flexibility.
Sexual Healing of Chronic Illnesses and Conditions Caused by Physical Trauma
Sick people need love too. In fact, they probably need it more than the rest of us, but for various reasons chronically ill people are less likely to make love. It is heartbreaking to visit a hospital and see chronically ill people shriveling up from lack of human contact because others are afraid to touch them. If you have a chronic illness, one that is not considered “curable,” you may be looking for relief on a daily basis. Sexual healing for you focuses on how to cope and make love, rather than on how to specifically heal the illness. This is an area where healing comes from the power of your loving relationship.
One sexual issue that people with chronic illness are often confronted with is the possibility that a form of treatment for their illness may severely compromise their sexual functioning and enjoyment. An example would be treatment for prostate cancer. A man with prostate cancer might be placed in a position of making a decision between the lesser of two evils. A decision to have his prostate removed may mean that he will never again have a natural erection. Yet the decision not to undergo surgery for a cancerous prostate could ultimately kill him.
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