A similar choice is often faced by women with breast cancer. Research shows that surgery for breast cancer often has a detrimental effect on a woman’s body image and therefore a potential effect on her sexual functioning and enjoyment. But delaying surgery or deciding against it could be fatal. Similarly, sometimes women with gynecological cancers have a choice between chemotherapy or radiation. Both of these can affect a woman’s sex life. Chemotherapy can leave her feeling weak and unattractive, whereas radiation can destroy her body’s natural ability to produce vaginal lubrication. People with chronic illness are sometimes faced with these extremely tough choices, and there are no easy answers. Physicians often fail to recognize that patients take their sex lives into account when they make treatment decisions.
Chronic illnesses such as lupus, Parkinson’s disease, and multiple sclerosis (MS) present special healing challenges. Although these illnesses often don’t have sexual side effects, they may have psychological ones. This is because our society harbors negative attitudes toward sick people. We sometimes blame a person for the illness and hold it against him or her. We focus on the connection between appearance and sexuality. And we project our own fears onto people who are chronically ill—our fear of disfigurement, fear that all illness is contagious, fear that an ill person will smell bad, fear that making love will hurt the person who is ill. Therefore, touch becomes even more important to a person who is chronically ill, because of the physical and psychological distance from others he or she is forced to endure.
I have had unique experiences with clients living with a variety of chronic illnesses. As a surrogate, I worked with clients who had cancer, heart disease, MS, ALS, Parkinson’s—just about every condition you could name. Some people were affected sexually, others were not. Many simply had to make adjustments in the way they made love. My background in health psychology and my familiarity with all of these issues put me in a unique position to work sexually with these clients. I understand the stigma that chronic illness can create, but I also understand that a person’s brain and skin are his or her true sex organs. Intimacy and genital sexuality are not the same thing. Everyone appreciates touch, no matter what he or she looks like. If you have a partner with a chronic illness, the best thing you can do to heal your partner is to embrace this attitude.
Many of the same challenges face people who have medical conditions resulting from physical trauma. Some must endure physical or mobility challenges. Others may be disfigured. These conditions can limit a person’s sexual potential, from his or her ability to feel sensations to his or her ability to have intercourse. They may also limit the potential for a person to find a sexual partner through the most commonly used channels.
If you or your partner has either a chronic illness or a medical condition resulting from physical trauma, which exercises will help you heal? The answer is any and all of them that you are able to do. I encourage you to do all of the exercises that you are able to. If you have physical limitations, work around them. Be creative. The major adjustment to make is in your attitude, not in the extent of your physical limitations. While I am not naive enough to think that lovemaking will heal a chronic degenerative disease or a serious medical condition that results from physical trauma, I have seen truly miraculous changes take place in relationships in which one partner had such a condition. I’d like to share with you other people’s experiences of the wonderful power of sexual healing in the hope that their stories might help and inspire you.
As a sex therapist, I once treated a couple in which the husband had prostate cancer. He opted to have his prostate removed. As a result, he was incontinent for a few months. What adjustments did he and his wife make so they could still make love? They had to change a bed sheet once in a while—that’s it. Eventually he had a penile implant inserted, which required a bit more adjustment. This was where sensate focus was really important; it helped his wife get over the feeling that she was having sex with a machine rather than a person. His adjustment involved realizing that having an erection whenever a man wants to doesn’t mean that he feels like making love. What exercises did they find especially healing? They used the sensate-focus caresses, such as the genital caress.
A colleague of mine treated a woman who developed breast cancer and had a mastectomy. Her cancer was very advanced with a poor prognosis, and there was a strong chance that she wouldn’t make it. Her husband spent time physically loving her with massage, caressing, peaking, and plateauing. Through work with the body-image exercises (Chapter 35), she and her husband made such strides in healing their relationship that their lovemaking became better than ever. She survived. And when she was out of the woods, she opted not to have her breast reconstructed.
I knew a woman, Alicia, who was about one week away from dying of an extremely rare form of lung cancer. I believe that her husband, Tom, kept her alive through his sheer force of will. Somehow, even when things looked darkest, he managed to convey to her the expectation that she was going to make it. Even when Alicia gave up, Tom wouldn’t let her go. He did this by keeping and sharing his sense of humor throughout her illness. When she was well enough to leave the hospital, she had a port inserted in her clavicle area for delivery of medication. She wanted to go to the water park with her daughter, but her daughter was concerned how people would react to the tube in her mother’s neck. Tom told their daughter, “Just tell everyone you have an inflatable mom.”
As a surrogate partner, I treated a client, Jerry, who had early-stage multiple sclerosis. Before coming to therapy, Jerry had been very depressed and was drinking a lot. He sought therapy because he wanted to know how much he could still feel and how much he would be able to do if he was actually in a relationship. The sensate-focus techniques helped him realize he could make love, and they gave him the confidence to seek out a loving partner. I credit sexual healing with his turnaround.
The tragic case of actor Christopher Reeve has focused attention on the realities of life for people with spinal cord injuries. From what I understand, he and his wife had the potential for a sexual healing relationship. What can a person experience after a spinal cord injury? Some men can have erections, which is what everybody focuses on; others cannot. It depends on the extent of the injury. Research shows that many women with spinal cord injuries not only enjoy sexual contact, but in many cases are able to have orgasms.
People’s range of feeling and their awareness of arousal vary. I worked with a client with quadriplegia, who had movement only in his face. Fortunately, this included his tongue. We were creative and worked with touch he could feel, such as massage. With position adjustments, he found he was able to kiss and have oral sex. Although his physical sensations were limited, his senses of arousal and physiological response were acute. He described what he experienced as “brain orgasms.”
Another client of mine, Mark, had cerebral palsy, which limited his voluntary movement to the use of one arm. His speech was slow and barely understandable and he used a wheelchair. However, because the penis has no voluntary muscles, he discovered that his erections were unaffected, and so his sexual response was completely normal. Through sexual healing, Mark realized his sexual potential. He left therapy feeling that there was another aspect of life that was open to him, in addition to being a lecturer, writer, and advocate for independent living.
If your partner has a chronic illness or a physical condition caused by trauma, you will need to make some adjustments, too. Ultimately, the lesson here is not to focus on what a person with a disability can or cannot do, but to share fully in healing touch.
Additional Healing Exercises
The following are some sexual healing exercises that I have used with clients with various physical problems.
Exercise 87. NONTOUCHING CARESS
Begin by doing a slow, focused front caress with your partner. Then concentrate caresses on one area of your partner’s body that needs healing. After focusing your healing energies, raise your hand just off your partner’
s skin and hold it there.
Let’s say your partner has menstrual cramps, and you wish to help heal her. Caress her abdomen, then lift your hand a tiny bit away from her skin’s surface so your hand is not touching her skin but is still so close that you can feel the energy flow between you. Alternate actual light touching and not touching so that you almost can’t tell whether you are touching unless you look. You can use this caress on any part of the body.
Exercise 88. FROM THE HEART
Caress your partner’s body, giving time to the area that needs healing. With healing intention, place your other hand lightly over your partner’s heart. Do a nontouching caress over your partner’s heart as you simultaneously caress the part of his or her body that needs healing. You may also want to try lightly placing your ear over your partner’s heart during the caress.
If Intercourse Is Not in the Cards
If you are a person whose partner needs healing from trauma or is otherwise differently abled, you may need to explore and redefine your understanding of sex, sexiness, and sexual consummation. You may be unable to make love with your partner in a conventional way. If this is the case, remind yourself that the point of lovemaking is much bigger than “conventional” sex. Sexual relating is a unique, individual union between every couple. If intercourse is not an option for you, there are other ways of making love that are. You might consider joining a support group in which people who have made similar adjustments share their experiences.
If you are a person who needs physical healing and you don’t have a partner, I hope this book encourages you to seek healing help. I only wish there were more surrogate partners out there to help you.
The following exercises are sensual activities that don’t involve intercourse.
Exercise 89. MUTUAL MASTURBATION
Masturbation is one of the most personal, intimate things we experience. Many of us feel that it is so private that we are hesitant to share it with a partner. However, if illness prevents you from having intercourse or otherwise caressing each other, try sharing masturbation. There are two ways to do this. One way is for both of you to masturbate at the same time. Lie together on the bed, and stimulate yourself the way you would if you were alone. Pay attention to your own arousal, and send that energy out to your partner. If you wish, look deeply into each other’s eyes as you become more and more aroused.
Another way to do this is to take turns masturbating while the other person watches. This is a very intimate act, as it involves sharing your most private activity with another person. Try not to be self-conscious about your partner watching you; instead, concentrate on sexual energy. Relax, close your eyes, and pleasure yourself the way you most like to.
Mutual masturbation will cause sexual energy to flow between the two of you, even if you can’t caress or make love in more conventional ways. As a result, healing can still take place.
Exercise 90. SHARING FANTASIES
Here is another exercise you can do if illness or physical limitations prevent caressing. It is commonly used by people who have spinal cord injuries. If you can talk, you can share a fantasy.
Share a fantasy, caressing each other with words. As you talk, the person who is able to can caress the person who is ill or disabled. Or the person who is able to can masturbate. Again, focus on the flow and exchange of sexual healing energy. This technique can also be used to share erotic readings with each other.
With some creativity and a bit of can-do attitude, seemingly endless options exist for lovemaking to heal physical problems. Many illnesses and physical conditions now have Internet chat rooms and users’ groups devoted to them. It may be worth joining one of these online groups. Not only can you get emotional support for living with your condition (or your loved one’s, if you’re the partner of someone who is ill). You can also ask other group members to share how they’ve modified their sensual relationship to both enhance it and to tap into the possibilities for sexual healing.
chapter 33
Using Lovemaking to Heal Your Emotions
Are you already in good physical shape? Then you can enjoy the physical well-being that sexual healing inspires and focus on bringing healing to other areas of your life. Our emotions color the fabric of our sexual life. They provide the context in which we make love—or abstain from it. What most people don’t realize is that the way in which we make love can nourish our emotional state. Depression and anxiety are the two most common emotional issues that affect our sex life and that, in turn, can be positively affected by lovemaking. I’ll address them specifically, because they are the roots of many sexual problems and much deep lack of fulfillment.
Depression refers to a general feeling of misery or sadness that usually includes loss of appetite, loss of sex drive, excessive sleep, and general feelings of worthlessness. Depression can also result in complete loss of interest in life and lack of motivation. In extreme cases, a person may contemplate or attempt suicide. Reactive depression is caused by a sad life event, such as the death of someone to whom you are close. Biochemical depression is caused by an imbalance in brain chemistry that is probably genetic. As severe as depression can be, in the majority of cases it’s temporary. If you are severely depressed for a long period of time, you may need professional help—a psychiatrist or other medical doctor who can prescribe medication.
Depression is a huge enemy of satisfying lovemaking. In fact, one of the most common symptoms of depression is temporary loss of sex drive. (To potentially complicate matters, as I’ve mentioned several times elsewhere in the book, one of the unfortunate side effects of the class of antidepressant medication known as the SSRIs is a loss of sex drive. For this reason I don’t recommend this class of medication for people wanting to tap into the healing power of lovemaking.) The solution for depression is to take action. The best treatment for depression is to do something physical—and making love is one of the best physical things you can do. Sexual arousal is a powerful antidote to depression.
Anxiety is a more complicated issue, as you read in Chapter 3. It is also strongly related to sexuality. It is the root cause of all of the sexual dysfunctions, but it can also exist in relation to any other fears. The physical symptoms of anxiety include sweating, muscle tension, shortness of breath, cold hands and feet, and rapid heart rate. Mental symptoms of anxiety include worry, obsessing, and an inability to relax. These symptoms, both physical and mental, directly affect your ability to experience arousal, feel sexual pleasure, and enter an intimate, loving sphere.
Somatopsychology
In the previous chapter you read about psychosomatics: the study of how the mind affects the body. Somatopsychics is the study of how the body affects the mind. Let me give you a few examples.
When we move our facial muscles into expressions of emotions, to some degree we experience those emotions. Studies in psychology laboratories have shown that people who are instructed to turn up the corners of their mouths and hold them that way but are not told why they are doing so report more feelings of happiness than people who are not asked to change their expressions. Another example is one way in which many women have learned to have orgasms. By imitating the facial expressions and bodily movements of orgasm when they are highly sexually aroused, they actually have orgasms. Furthermore, studies consistently show that physical exercise, such as jogging, aerobics, or cycling, decreases depression and anxiety and increases positive emotional states. On a simple biochemical level, physical exercise stimulates the production of endorphins, brain chemicals that kill pain and promote euphoria. During states of sexual arousal, we also produce these natural euphorics.
The field of bioenergetic psychotherapy also supports the idea that the body influences the mind. Bioenergetics, as described by Alexander Lowen (who founded the field based on the theories of Wilhelm Reich), is a type of therapy that uses the idea that psychological conflicts are expressed in the ways in which we hold our bodies. By helping clients change their body positions, bioenergetic therapi
sts hope to help them understand and resolve their conflicts.
So if you suffer from mild to moderate depression and would like to use lovemaking to help, the first step is this: Don’t wait until you feel sexual to make love—you could be waiting a long time. Start scheduling time for yourself and your partner to do the exercises in this book. Forget spontaneity. Until you jump-start your sex drive you will have to schedule time for lovemaking. Believe it or not, one of the best ways of coping with depression and anxiety is through the use of routine, something you can plan for at the same time every day—and what better thing to count on than a comforting touching exercise, either for you and your partner or for you alone?
How Lovemaking Heals Your General Emotional State
Our sexual drive differs from other basic biological drives such as hunger and thirst. Although we can’t live without food or water, we can physically survive without making love or reproducing. That is, we can survive as individuals, even though our species can’t. I say “physically survive” because I don’t believe we are really living when this drive goes unfulfilled. Part of us, our sexual and emotional self, atrophies when it is not acknowledged.
Sexual expression may also contribute to a person’s health in an indirect way. For example, sexual contact can provide a buffer against stress. Lovemaking is one form of what psychologists call “social support”—the human contact that people have available to them or that they believe is available to them. Having a person with whom you can self-disclose, a person with whom you can openly express and discuss feelings, is one of the most valuable forms of social support. A satisfying lovemaking relationship creates an excellent atmosphere in which to express feelings.
Sexual Healing Page 39
