Tessa Ever After

by Brighton Walsh

  Tessa curls up on the couch, pulling the blanket over her, and Haley looks over at me. “Sit next to me, Jay!”

  I snap out of my thoughts and do as I’m told, taking a seat to her right. She gives me some of the blanket, then frowns. “Your jeans are scratchy. You should be in jammies.”

  “Sorry, shorty, I didn’t bring any jammies with me. Are you gonna kick me out of your pajama party now?”

  She thinks about it for a minute, her brow furrowed as she seriously considers it, then she shakes her head. “You can stay. But you gotta be quiet.”

  “Got it.”

  I glance over Haley’s head and find Tessa’s eyes on me. I drop my gaze to her lips, and for some inexplicable reason, I want to lean over and find out what that full bottom lip feels like between mine, find out what her tongue tastes like. Shaking my head, I break my gaze and turn back to the TV, trying to get my thoughts under control.

  As much as I hated the phone call Cade made to me, I can’t really blame him for it now. Not with the thoughts I’m having about his baby sister. And I could probably use another reaming, because it seems I didn’t get the message the first time.

  TEN

  tessa

  “Mama, Auntie Paige is here!”

  I poke my head around the corner from the kitchen and see my best friend’s car pull into the driveway. I also see a hyper four-year-old jumping on the couch cushions, her hair flying around her. “Haley Grace, you know better than to jump on the couch. Down. Right now.”

  She pouts, her bottom lip sticking out almost comically, before she drops to her butt on the cushions. I can’t see her anymore, but I don’t have to to know she’s got her arms crossed against her chest, a petulant look on her face. I roll my eyes and go back into the kitchen to finish preparing dinner for our weekly girls’ night, knowing Paige will let herself in.

  Not even a minute later, the front door creaks open, then Paige says, “Hey, Haley girl. Did someone give you a fat lip?” And try as she might—and I know how hard she tries, stubborn little thing—Haley starts cracking up, soft snorts turning into full-blown giggles, and just like that she’s good as new.

  While Paige entertains Haley, I finish up. The spaghetti—yes, boxed noodles and jarred sauce—I’m serving is a far cry from when Cade used to spoil us on these nights with test recipes he was trying out, and that makes me miss him—for far more than just his stellar cooking. We’ve Skyped a couple times since the burst-pipe fiasco, and every time, he’s been a little off. Still asking questions about Jason and when the last time I saw him was. I don’t know if I’m giving off a different vibe or not, and the thought is disconcerting. I’m terrified that this sudden interest in Jason is seeping out to talks with my brother, of all people.

  “Hey.” Paige snaps me out of my musings, and I smile at her.

  “Hey yourself. How were classes today?”

  “Awful, as always.” She pokes her head over my shoulder, peering down at the saucepan. “Smells good, whatever it is.”

  “Spaghetti. And it only smells good because your standards have finally become lowered since Cade left.”

  She snorts. “Well, you’re no professional chef, I’ll give ya that.”

  Before I can flip her off, Haley calls for her from the other room, and with a grin in my direction, she’s off to play with dolls. In all honesty, I’m glad I’ve got a while to get my thoughts together before I tell Paige about what’s going on. We never really get into the meat of our discussions until after Haley’s in bed, and tonight, I’m thankful for it.

  Mostly because I don’t know what the hell I should tell her. Mostly because I don’t know what the hell I’m feeling. I’m confused and overwhelmed, wishing for something with someone who I’m not even sure exists, all the while wanting something with the one person I have no business wanting it with.

  • • •

  ONCE HALEY’S IN bed, Paige pats the cushion next to her on the couch, and I plop there, my head resting against the back.

  “You look exhausted,” she says.

  “I am exhausted.”

  “More than usual? What’s going on?”

  I give a rueful laugh. “What isn’t going on?” I rub the heels of my hands against my eyes, groaning. “I’m just . . . so completely over my head, and I never realized it. How did I never realize it?”

  “You mean since Cade left?”

  “Yeah. I was so stupid, pushing him away, blowing off his concerns about how I was going to do it on my own. I was such a cocky shit.”

  “Well, from where I’m sitting, I think you’re doing a damn good job.”

  “You also didn’t see when I let Haley eat four cookies for lunch the other day.”

  “Still not seeing the problem.”

  Expelling a deep breath, I say, “I feel like I’m trying so hard to catch up, and I’m never going to.”

  “You will. You just need to give yourself a little time.”

  “Yeah, that’s what Jason said.”

  She raises her eyebrows as she studies me, but instead of pressing me on it like I know she wants to, she says, “Well, he’s right. You’ll get there soon enough.”

  “I hope so. I just feel like I’m letting Haley down left and right.”

  “Oh please. That girl would be happy if she could play dolls all day and eat cookies for lunch, and it seems like you’re doing a stellar job of that.”

  “But that’s the problem. I don’t know . . . Some days I feel like I’m trying so hard to prove that I’m the mom, you know? That I’m capable of doing this. And I feel like I’m failing.”

  “Tess . . .” Paige shakes her head and reaches out to give me a quick hug. I accept it without fight, relaxing into it until we pull away. “You love that little girl more than anything. You pursued the best avenue to get yourself a good, steady job for her stability. You gave up the years where you were supposed to be wild and crazy and not worry about anyone but yourself. And you did that for her, so don’t tell me about you failing at being a good mom. You are the most amazing mom I know, and I know damn well you’re better than any other twenty-two-year-old with a four-year-old kid. You need to cut yourself some slack.”

  I smile at her after she finishes her tirade. That, right there, is why she’s been my best friend for the last five years, ever since she transferred to a brand-new school as a junior, walking in like she owned the whole damn place. “Do you plan this stuff before you come over or just go off the cuff?”

  She shrugs. “Off the cuff, mostly. You know how damn witty and quick I am.”

  We both laugh and I relax farther into the couch as we munch on the bag of chips she brought out. Once we settle on a movie and get about ten minutes into it, she says, “You never told me about your date.”

  Flashes of that night come to mind, except none of them are actually of my date, but rather the fifteen short minutes I spent with Jason on the dance floor. I groan, resting my head against the back of the couch, and turn to face her. “It was fine.”

  Laughing, she says, “For the record, that is not an appropriate response to something that is fine. That response is reserved for fucking awful and/or incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. So which is it?”

  I force myself to think only about my time with Greg, not yet ready to divulge everything else that happened. “God, I don’t know. All of the above? I mean . . . I tried. I really did. And he is so sweet. He came to pick me up, brought me flowers.” I point to the dozen roses filling a vase on the dining room table. I hate roses. Paige knows this, and she scrunches her nose up as she looks back at me. Taking a deep breath, I say, “He helped me into my coat and held open all the doors for me and asked about Haley . . .”

  “He sounds like a regular Prince Charming.”

  “I know, right? But when I get around him? I don’t feel anything. No excitement. No butterflies. Nada.”

  “Hmm, seems like a chemistry thing to me. And you know how mediocre sex can be when you don’t have it.” I
nod in agreement, and she continues, “And you know how freaking awesome sex can be when you have amazing chemistry.”

  Except I don’t. The small handful of partners I’ve had haven’t ever done much for me, save for Haley’s dad—my first everything, and I think that was probably just the excitement of everything being so new, not necessarily him. I just always assumed the problems I had with partners since then was me—body issues from pregnancy or something. It never occurred to me that it might be because we simply weren’t sexually compatible.

  And then I think about what it felt like on the dance floor with Jason, how his body felt behind mine, all solid and strong, and how it sent tingles from my head straight to my toes and all the little places in between—places no one had been able to coax a reaction out of in a long time. And he was able to do it with a simple dance.

  “What’s got you thinking so hard over there?”

  Trying to hide the heat in my cheeks, I cover for the path my thoughts took and say, “I’ve never had that.”

  “What?”

  “That—I don’t know—that all-consuming need to be with someone. I’ve never had the urge to rip my boyfriend’s clothes off and screw him on the floor because I couldn’t wait to get to the bedroom.” Until Jason, I leave unsaid.

  “Oh God, the floor fuck is my favorite.”

  And for a minute, for one tiny minute, I’m jealous of my best friend. She’s everything I thought I’d be back when I was sixteen and dreaming about my future—college and sororities and boyfriends. Going to clubs on Friday nights and having hangovers the next morning and just being young. She has complete freedom over her life. No one to answer to. No one to be responsible for except herself. And she enjoys every minute of it.

  And then I feel guilty for that jealousy because if I were able to experience all those things, I wouldn’t have Haley.

  “So you’ve really never had that? What about the butterflies?”

  “When I was younger, yeah. With Nick. But I think it’s because I was so young and he was so experienced. It was probably nervous butterflies instead of excited butterflies.”

  “Not since? None of the guys you’ve met recently have given you even a little flutter?”

  No, definitely not any I’ve met recently. That seems to be reserved completely for the man I’ve known the majority of my life.

  Noticing the look on my face and the way I avoid the question, she presses. “Ohhh . . . what? Who? One of the online guys?”

  I snort. “I wish.”

  “Well, who? Jesus, the suspense is killing me.” She tugs a pillow into her lap and bounces on the couch.

  “It’s nothing. It really isn’t. I just . . . I’m confused, I think, and trying too hard with these guys, hoping something fits, so I’m naturally gravitating to something completely different. And because of that, all this shit starts happening with Jason. It’s like my own mind is conspiring against me.”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . What shit with Jason?” She sits up abruptly, leaning toward me. “Girl, what’s going on? Did you sleep with him?” Her voice gets high-pitched, and she reaches out and grips my arm, shaking it back and forth. “Goddamn, if anyone could fuck the cobwebs out of your lady business, it’s that boy. Whew.” She fans herself and lies back against the couch cushions.

  “God, Paige!” I stare at her, mouth hanging open. “Why the hell would you automatically assume I slept with him? You’ve got dick on the brain, apparently.”

  “I can’t help it when it comes to him. He is fine, with a capital F. With his smile—Jesus, those dimples—and all his laid-back charm, but you just know he would throw you down and fuck the shit out of you.”

  “Oh my God.”

  “Oh please, like you haven’t noticed how extraordinarily attractive he is. Or how he’s been looking at you lately.”

  Reluctantly, I get ready to agree with her about how hot I’ve found him lately when the second part of what she says finally registers. “Wait . . . what? What do you mean? How’s he looking at me?”

  She stares at me for a moment, studying me. Then she gapes, her eyes going wide. “Holy shit, you actually didn’t notice.”

  I definitely didn’t notice anything on his end, though, admittedly, that could be because I’ve been so preoccupied with everything going on in my own damn head. “No, I didn’t notice anything.”

  “Well, I’m telling you . . . he looks at you different now. Not pervy or anything, but there’s a definite hunger there.”

  “How long’s this been going on for?”

  She shrugs. “I don’t know . . . couple months? I honestly thought you knew and were just ignoring it, that’s why I never said anything. You do like to put your head in the sand.”

  Shaking my head, I look at my hands, having no idea what to do with this information.

  “Okay, so if you didn’t sleep with him, what do you mean by shit happening with him? What’s going on?”

  “I’ve . . . I don’t know. Lately, I’ve been thinking about him differently. Ever since Cade left, Jason’s been here a lot. A couple times a week, checking in and helping with whatever he can.”

  “That’s sweet.”

  I nod. “It is. You know about the burst-pipe stuff. And then he helped me get my car fixed the other day when it wouldn’t start. Then skipped classes to stay and have a PJ day with Haley and me.”

  With each piece I tell, her eyebrows inch higher on her forehead until they’re lost under her bangs. “Okay, so . . .”

  I blow out a deep breath. “So, I don’t know. I’ve just been thinking about him as something more than my brother’s best friend. And I don’t think it’s a very good idea.”

  “Well, that could be the cobwebs talking, too. The thinking-about-him bit, not the bad-idea bit.”

  “God, will you stop with the cobwebs already?”

  “I’m just sayin’. He wouldn’t be a bad one to get your groove back with. And what about the butterflies? Are there any when he’s around?” She asks the question, waiting for an answer, but from the look on her face it’s clear she already knows what it is.

  And even though I don’t have to, I reply honestly, “So many it’s overwhelming.”

  “Well, there ya go, girl. Go get you some of that.”

  “Just like that?”

  “What do you mean, ‘just like that’? It doesn’t have to be a whole production, Tess. Sometimes sex can just be sex.”

  “Okay, first of all, you know that’s not true. Not for me. Not anymore. Not ever, really. And second, ‘just sex’ with my brother’s best friend? Do you honestly think that’d be a good idea?”

  “Look, I know Cade would probably lose his shit, but who cares? He needs to finally cut the damn cord. You’re a grown woman with a kid, for fuck’s sake. I think you’re old enough to make your own decisions, including decisions about who you’d like keeping you company in your bed.”

  She’s right. Of course she is. If I wanted to, I could call Jason up right now, invite him over, and get on with it. Except where would that leave me in the end? The last time I did that, threw caution to the wind and got involved with a bad boy simply because he made my stomach flutter, it led to a road I have no plans of traveling in the near future.

  “He’s not what I need, Paige.”

  “And what do you need?”

  “Someone responsible. Steady. Someone who’s older and knows what he wants, which happens to include a relationship with a woman who comes with a built-in family.”

  “So someone like your boring-ass match dude.”

  “I just . . . I feel like I need to give it another chance. Maybe I had an off night?”

  “Or maybe you’re completely delusional and talking yourself into it because you’re scared as hell of actually feeling something for someone who doesn’t fit into your perfect little mold. It doesn’t have to be a giant production, Tess. You’re allowed to have a little fun, even if it doesn’t lead to a white picket fence.” At my scowl, she rai
ses her hands. “You do what you gotta do. Go on another date where you talk about the stock market and the price of gas. But when you come to your senses, let me know.”

  ELEVEN

  jason

  If I thought I was fucked before, spending the day with Haley and Tessa, everyone piled on the couch all day watching movies, only made it ten times worse. And now I’ve turned into some sort of pansy-ass fucker who can’t get a girl out of his head. I’m thinking about the way she smelled, for Christ’s sake. I feel like Cade after he got all googly-eyed at Winter. No, worse. I feel like Adam. Bastard always was a sap when it came to women.

  And the worst thing is that I can’t talk to either of them about it. Adam will shove me in Tessa’s direction, telling me all the reasons it’s a good idea, and Cade will . . . Jesus. I don’t even want to think about what Cade will do.

  Which is exactly why I need to get her out of my mind. School isn’t working. Stressing about my impending doom with my father’s company only goes so far, and unfortunately has absolutely no bearing on what or whom my dick is interested in.

  What I should be doing right now is calling one of the two dozen girls whose numbers I’ve got stored in my phone. I should be going out, hitting a bar, and finding someone to distract me. Someone to distance me from everything I’m suddenly desperate to have.

  Instead, I’m going right back into the lion’s den.

  I pull up outside Tessa’s house and just stare at the large picture window out front. Behind the drawn curtains, I can see shadows moving around inside, and for a minute, I consider just leaving without talking to her. Without doing what I need to and telling her what’s been constantly on my mind.

  But I’ve never been a coward, so I take the keys out of the ignition, get out of the car, and walk up the front path while thinking of a hundred different ways to have this conversation with her.

  What’s the best way to tell a girl you’ve known more than half your life that you can’t get her out of your head? That, suddenly, I see her as so much more than the pesky younger sister of my best friend?