An Alaskan Christmas

by Jennifer Snow

  Her mother waved a hand, rolling up the sleeves of her handmade holiday-themed sweater as though on a mission. “Nonsense. You nearly died. If Erika was staying, that would be different, but you need me,” she said, already in the kitchen loading the dishwasher.

  Erika smiled, feeling suddenly jealous of her friend. She missed her own mother so much... She hadn’t had anyone take care of her or want to for a long time. A deep longing to stay, to be a part of this family and close-knit group of friends nearly choked her. But she’d only been visiting this way of life. She’d never had any intentions of staying.

  She checked her watch. “My train leaves soon, so I have to finish packing...” Reed had dropped her off and said he had to run to the station for a few minutes, but he’d be back soon to drive her to the train station.

  Cassie nodded, moving forward to hug her again. “Sure you can’t stay? She will drive me insane.”

  “Be nice. You’re lucky to have her,” she said, kissing her friend’s cheek.

  “You’re right. I am. I’ll have to keep reminding myself of that.” She laughed, following Erika over to her own open suitcase in the living room.

  “Cass...where’s the coffee?” her mother asked, opening every cupboard.

  “She doesn’t need coffee like the rest of us mere mortals,” Erika teased, picking up a sweater from the back of the couch and folding it. It was the one she’d worn on the heli-skiing date and she could still smell Reed’s cologne on it. She hoped the smell lasted—she’d need it once she was back in Anchorage. She was going to miss him so much.

  “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Arlene said, reaching for her coat.

  “Where are you going?”

  “To the grocery store to get coffee and other things I’m going to need to survive here.”

  “In that case, you’ll also need to buy a coffee maker,” Cass said.

  “Oh, Cassie, you’re not human,” her mother said, leaving the condo.

  “Or you could go home to your own coffee maker,” her friend called after her as the door closed.

  Erika laughed, zipping her suitcase.

  “Remind me again how lucky I am,” Cassie said, stretching out her casted leg.

  “Very. You have a wonderful family.” Her voice nearly broke and she ordered herself to pull it together. It was just Anchorage, not the moon. A short train ride away. She could visit anytime. They could visit her.

  “Reed kinda grew on you, huh?”

  “Not at all,” she said, sitting on the couch next to her.

  “Try bullshitting someone else,” Cassie said, pointing to her wrist tattoo.

  Erika fingered her own. From now on, she wouldn’t be covering it up. “Okay, maybe a little bit. You’re not upset that I spent the night with him, are you? It’s not totally weird for you, is it?”

  “I didn’t get a chance to say it yesterday, but I’m thrilled for you both.”

  “That’s such a relief to hear.”

  “You two are actually perfect for one another. You’ll certainly keep my brother on his toes.” She studied her. “You are planning to keep this going, right?”

  “We’re going to try.” She toyed with the hem of her sweater. “I’m not good at this, Cass. What if I mess it up?”

  “Reed won’t let you. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. You may have changed here in Wild River, but you’ve changed him, too.”

  Her pulse raced at what that meant. “So...what about you and Tank? Any progress there?” She needed to change the subject. Saying goodbye to her friend was tough and she knew saying goodbye to Reed in an hour would be nearly impossible. Keeping the conversation light was the only way to get through it. She was only returning to her life. Not dying.

  So why did it feel like there was a hole forming inside of her?

  “Nope. We take a step forward, then three steps back. Kaia’s been asking about her mother a lot lately... As she’s getting older, she has a million questions and it’s tough on Tank. Every time he gets close, he pulls back like I’ve burned him. I’m trying to be patient but, damn, it can be infuriating that he doesn’t see that I’m what they need.”

  Erika touched her friend’s hand. “Hang in there. He can’t resist you forever,” she said with a smile.

  “Right?” Cassie said with a hopeful expression.

  “Definitely.”

  She checked her watch and stood. “Well, I should head downstairs. Reed will be here any minute.” Her pulse raced at the thought of the painful goodbye awaiting her.

  “Oh wait.” Cassie struggled to push herself up, only sinking farther into the couch cushions. “Help.”

  Grabbing her hands, Erika pulled her to her feet. “See? This is why you need your mom.”

  “Okay, maybe.” Cassie hopped on one foot to the kitchen. “I have something for you...” She opened the fridge and took out a white square box wrapped with a festive-looking red-and-green bow. She handed it to her. “To cure any chocolate cravings.”

  The Chocolate Shoppe logo made Erika’s mouth instantly water. The smell of peppermint fudge revealed what was inside. Did her friend have anything to cure any Reed cravings she might have, as well? “Thank you. I can’t promise I won’t eat every last piece on the way home.”

  “Hey, I’m not one to judge. In fact, I may have opened it already and stolen a piece or three,” she said with a sheepish expression.

  Erika laughed. “I consider myself lucky to be getting any at all.” She suddenly wished she had a parting gift for her friend, as well. Then, seeing Cassie’s wrist tattoo, she rushed forward to hug her. “You really are the Best part of this friendship.”

  Cassie sniffed. “Don’t make me cry. We’re going to keep in touch this time.”

  “We will. I promise to try my best.” Already she knew it wouldn’t be good enough. Hearing Reed’s truck pull up outside the condo, Erika nodded, pulling herself together. “He’s here. I have to go.”

  She collected her suitcase and headed toward the door. “Relax. Stay off your feet as much as possible.” She grabbed her red cashmere coat and put it on. “Doctor’s orders,” she said, earning a look from her best friend.

  Sliding her feet into her heeled boots, she blew a kiss to Cass and left the house before tears could surface. She’d have even more emotions threatening her soon enough.

  And it wasn’t like she wouldn’t see Cassie again soon...and they always had Facebook. Already, she was feeling the stress and anxiety that had subsided over the last ten days returning.

  Reed was waiting at the truck. His gaze took in her formal coat and impractical boots and something in his expression told her she was already almost unrecognizable to him. The reality of it sucked the wind from her lungs. Reed had fallen for the person she’d been able to pretend to be while on vacation—carefree, relaxed, fun, adventurous...in real life, she was none of those things.

  Hurrying up the stairs, he smiled as he took her suitcase. “Need me to carry you?”

  “I think I can handle these—I’m sober today,” she said, carefully descending the grate staircase.

  At the bottom, he opened the passenger-side door for her. “I’m shocked Cassie let you go.” He nodded toward his mom’s car parked in front of Snow Trek Tours.

  “She begged me to stay,” she said.

  He swallowed hard and simply nodded as he closed the door.

  She forced a breath as she watched him cross in front of the truck. In tight-fitting jeans and a bomber-style winter jacket, a search and rescue logo baseball cap on, he looked like the last thing on the planet she wanted to walk away from. Maybe having him drive her to the train station was a mistake. Taking a cab would have been better.

  Easier.

  Leaving that morning after the intimate moments they’d shared in his bed would have been a better way to remember him...

&
nbsp; Tears burned in her eyes. This wouldn’t be as easy as they’d tried to make it sound the night before.

  He climbed in behind the wheel and immediately reached for her hand, holding it tight as they drove along Main Street in silence.

  Taking in the holiday decorations in the village—the storefront displays and the large center square Christmas tree they were lighting that evening—only depressed her further. Holidays here would be magical. Spending them with Reed would have been amazing.

  Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” started to play on the radio and he quickly reached forward to shut it off.

  Nope, there would be no listening to romantic, depressing Christmas carols for her that season either.

  She stared through the window, her time in Wild River on replay in her mind. So short, yet it felt like a lifetime.

  The train station platform came into view a lot quicker than she would have liked.

  What was the worst thing that could happen if she stayed? If she told her father she was taking the extra time off as planned and she’d see him next week?

  She’d piss him off and in a week, she’d only be feeling this way all over again.

  No. Like a Band-Aid.

  When Reed turned into the parking lot, she shook her head. “No, please don’t stay. This is hard enough...” Her voice broke slightly, so she just pointed to the drop-off zone.

  “Your train isn’t scheduled to leave for another twenty minutes. I’d like to wait with you.” His voice was hoarse as he struggled to keep his own emotions in check.

  “I’ll never get on it if you do,” she said, barely above a whisper.

  He squeezed her hand and reluctantly did as she asked, pulling up in the drop-off zone where just the week before Cassie had picked her up. So much had happened in such a short time. When she’d arrived in Wild River, she hadn’t even been sure she’d last a day, and now she wanted to stay. Just a little longer.

  Putting the truck in Park and removing his seat belt, Reed turned to face her. “This is not goodbye.”

  She nodded, desperate to believe it was true.

  “I have something for you,” he said, releasing her hand to reach into the back seat of the truck.

  “I hope it’s not more fudge or I’ll be unrecognizable the next time you see me.” It was meant as a joke to lighten the heavy tension filling the cab of the truck, but all it did was make her heart ache wondering when that next time would be.

  They’d compared schedules and made a ton of promises, but she knew herself...

  He handed her a red-and-yellow S & R jacket, the Wild River Search and Rescue logo on the sleeves. Her name embroidered on the chest. Dr. Erika. She swallowed a lump that refused to go away. “But I’m not a member,” she said.

  “The crew decided to make you an honorary support member after the other night,” he said, touching her cheek.

  She fingered the patch. “Thank you. This means a lot.” More than she would’ve expected it to. She’d never imagined that Wild River could feel like home again, but this week she’d felt like she belonged.

  “You mean a lot. To all of us. To me.”

  Oh God, holding back tears was impossible. One slid down her cheek and she brushed it away. “This is crazy.” Feelings couldn’t grow this strong, so fast, could they? “In a good way.” She could see his unease and uncertainty reflecting in his expression.

  Man, she was going to miss getting lost in those eyes. Miss being wrapped in his arms...

  Taking her hand, he kissed her palm and held her gaze longer than was safe, before glancing at the time on the dash.

  Time she wished would stand still was ticking away far too quickly.

  “You better go,” he said, sounding as thrilled about it as she felt. Climbing out of the truck, he met her on her side with her suitcase. He set it down on the curb and reached for her.

  She immediately walked into his open arms and hugged him tight. “I’ll miss you,” she whispered. Air couldn’t quite make it into her lungs.

  He smoothed her hair away from her face and kissed her forehead. “This is not goodbye,” he said again.

  Good. If he kept saying it, she might eventually believe it.

  Standing on tiptoes, she placed her lips to his. The kiss was gentle at first, but quickly ignited as passion and anxiety and a desperation she’d never felt before took over. Her hands clung to his shoulders and he was a source of oxygen from which she was drawing life...

  He held her tight to his chest and she could feel their hearts pounding in sync.

  How did she walk away from this? This feeling of contentment and safety in his arms, the feeling of being loved and loving someone in return... She searched for strength in his kiss, but the longer she was engulfed in Reed, the more consumed she felt.

  He broke away, fighting for breath, a long moment later and she knew it was time to go.

  Now or never.

  He held her tight as he said, “We will make this work. We will text and Skype...and I’m here anytime of day or night... And Christmas Eve. We are going to be together then—that’s just two weeks away...”

  Two weeks felt like forever. The night before in her half-asleep state, she’d said she’d try to make the trip back for Christmas Eve. She hadn’t promised. The clinical trials were starting the week before Christmas...in her gut she knew getting back there for Christmas Eve was improbable, but she refused to lose hope that somehow they’d find a way.

  She was unable to spend the rest of the season with him, but she was suddenly determined to find a way to be there, in his arms on Christmas morning. The only thing she wanted that year. It would take a Christmas miracle, but right now, when she was leaving the only man she’d ever fallen this hard, this fast for, Erika had to believe in miracles.

  She nodded. “Right. Two weeks is nothing...”

  He smiled. “I’ll be seeing you, pretty girl...”

  Okay, that was her cue to walk away. Instead, she dived back into his arms.

  Damn, this was so hard.

  “Two weeks. We can make this work. Believe in me, okay?” His words were meant to reassure, but all she heard was a pleading desperation not to hurt him.

  And damn, she wished she could say for certain that she wouldn’t.

  Pulling away, she picked up the handle on her suitcase and plastered on her best fake smile. She blew him a final kiss as she headed toward the train. In a few minutes, once she was seated and the train pulled away from the station, tears would start to fall. In a few hours, once she was home, reality would make the last week feel like a dream.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  REED SCANNED THE schedule on the station office wall the next morning, clutching his coffee cup like a lifeline. The day before, Erika had texted briefly to let him know that she’d arrived home safely, but she hadn’t been able to call him until almost midnight, having gone straight to the hospital. Leaving her at the train station had been torture. A hollow, lonely feeling had stuck with him for the rest of the day.

  When she finally did call, they’d talked for hours...and by 2:00 a.m., he still hadn’t wanted to let her go. He’d been listening for the smallest indication that things were still okay between them. But as she told him all about the clinical trials starting the following week, all he’d heard were a million reasons why she wouldn’t be able to get away again anytime soon.

  Scanning the upcoming holiday season calendar, he couldn’t find even one day where he could make a whirlwind road trip to Anchorage to see her. Three support members and one full member were going away for two weeks over the Christmas break, therefore all other hands were needed on deck with the tourist and ski season picking up.

  He was leading another Hug-A-Tree session the following day and the last one for the year was scheduled for the following week. He couldn’t hand those o
ff to the other guys—it wouldn’t be fair.

  Marcus’s support membership was being evaluated in a few days and he was hoping to become a full member. As a crew leader, Reed needed to be there for that. Having another full member would ease some of the pressure on him.

  In addition, his mom expected to spend time with him and he was still needed at the bar—that month more than ever... The night before had seen double the usual number of patrons and it was only the beginning of December.

  Things were only going to get busier.

  He ran a hand through his hair and took a gulp of the steaming hot coffee, burning his throat. It was his third cup and the caffeine wasn’t helping at all. If anything, it made him only more anxious and irritated.

  What was it about women that drove men so completely crazy?

  This had certainly never happened to him before. He’d dated tourists without developing feelings—some beautiful, amazing, interesting women. None had left him feeling this damn empty.

  Erika wasn’t just some tourist. She’d been a part of his past and suddenly someone he wanted in his future. Unlike his previous flings, this parting had been with a promise of more.

  The cot in the corner of the station taunted him with flashbacks of their first night together. Her soft, silky body so ready for him... He hardened slightly at the thought. Damn, it was going to be a hell of a long three weeks. Everywhere he looked, he was reminded of her.

  Sitting at the desk, he reached for his cell.

  Thinking about you, he texted.

  He knew not to expect an immediate reply, but five minutes later, he still got a twisting knot in his gut. She’d said her life was busy. He was going to have to have patience. But alone in the room all morning, waiting for an emergency call or a text from Erika had him seriously on edge. Tiffany and several other team members had invited him to help them decorate the Search and Rescue Christmas parade float, but he’d declined, and the sound of the Puppy Orchestra barking “Jingle Bells” drifting through the station walls was driving him insane.