Disenchanted

by Raven, C L

  "You have a ball to attend and you're playing with your bike?"

  I tightened the plug, attached the HT lead then sloped inside, wondering what fashion atrocity awaited me.

  "Let me guess, you've got me glass slippers."

  "Health and safety wouldn't sign off on them."

  I showered then headed for my bedroom. If this dress had bows and sparkles, I'd shove Finton's wand so far up him, a twinkling sound would escape every time he opened his mouth. Laid on my bed was a black satin gothic dress with a corset bodice and long skirt that I wouldn't need a Sat Nav to find my way through. I pulled it on. It had a slit up the centre of the skirt.

  "What if I hadn't waxed?" I called, slipping on fingerless elbow length lace gloves.

  He didn't have an answer for that.

  I left the bedroom, brushed past Finton and went downstairs. I picked up the phial and phone.

  "D'you have a clutch bag I can borrow?"

  He slapped his forehead. "I lent it to my sister." I smiled. He pulled a bag out of his pocket. "There's a tracking device sewn under the lining and a mask for when you do your product demonstration. You look…stunning."

  "Thought you were getting a horrible dress knowing I'd discard it so you could perv on me in my lingerie."

  "The doctor said your level of sexiness is bad for my heart."

  I dropped my gun, phone, keys and phial into the bag then headed to the Rolls. The skirt parted, flowing behind me as I walked.

  "You must leave by midnight." He slid into the back with me. "It's when his star guest arrives, codename Glass Slipper." I swore. "Your file said you shot him during the take down."

  "He tried to flee."

  The car reached the mansion too soon. Finton escorted me inside, announced me then left as I entered the ballroom. Everyone stared like they hadn't seen a woman in a dress before. Prince Charming glided over and graced my knuckles with a kiss.

  "Lady Harrington. May I have this dance?" I regretted becoming a spook for the first time ever. I joined to take down terrorists, not dance with them. "You vanished early last night."

  "There was an issue at the lab."

  "Nothing too serious, I hope."

  "Good news. My project was a huge success."

  "I'm intrigued."

  "I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you."

  He laughed. "Beauty, brains and a sense of humour. I'm in love."

  I tried not to grimace. "This isn't a fairytale – nobody falls in love after two dances."

  "Fairy Godmother to Cinderella, reel him in," Finton said in my ear.

  I smiled at Prince Charming. "I'm looking for an investor for my project and wondered if you knew anyone who would be interested. I'm in talks with the government, but a private buyer might be more…mutually beneficial."

  "How about we discuss this in my study?" He pointed to the end of the hall. "Follow the corridor then it's the second door on your right."

  He kissed the back of my hand again then slipped away, smarming all over the hall. I checked to see if he'd left a trail of slime behind. I loitered in the hall then followed Prince Charming. The corridor was long, narrow and blissfully quiet, dimly lit by electric candles that fizzed and flickered, casting eerie shadows on the walls. If I never heard classical music again, I'd die happy. I knocked on the door. His smooth voice told me to enter. My smooth voice longed to tell him where to go. I closed the door behind me.

  He grabbed me, pushed me against the door and kissed me hard, his tongue trying to force its way into my mouth like a maggot burrowing out of an apple. One hand slipped inside the split of my dress. I shoved him away, ducked behind him then slammed him against the door with his arm twisted up behind his back. His cocky expression was replaced with one of pain. I personally thought he looked better like that.

  "I came here with a business proposition. If you want to behave like a drunken lech, buy yourself a blow up doll."

  "You're hurting me."

  "You can speak, you're obviously not in that much pain." I pressed harder on his arm. "Next time, I'll bite off your tongue."

  I stepped back. He straightened his suit, rubbing his shoulder. His face was red and as crumpled as his jacket.

  "Since when do scientists learn self defence?" He muttered, heading to his desk.

  "Since they designed a weapon capable of killing thousands of people without leaving a trace." I fished the phial out of my bag and placed it on his desk. He reached for it. I snatched it away. "This amount is enough to kill all your guests. I'm not letting you touch it."

  "You brought a deadly weapon to my ball?"

  "I didn't have a plus one."

  "What makes you think I'd be interested?"

  "I've done my research. Whoever owns this will be the most powerful person on earth. I imagine you have many enemies. Five millilitres of this will kill them in minutes and leave no trace. The coroner will rule it natural causes."

  "I'll need proof."

  "Fetch me some water."

  The minute he left, I planted a bug under his desk and a small camera in a pot plant.

  "Fairy Godmother, how much do I use?"

  "A tiny drop. Although it's fake, it'll still knock you out. Use your mask. I don't want you becoming Sleeping Beauty."

  Prince Charming returned with a bowl of water and a henchman. I fastened my breathing mask on, unscrewed the phial and squeezed the pipette, allowing a small drop to fall into the water. Sadly, he also produced a mask. The henchman crumpled to the floor. Prince Charming beckoned me out of the room.

  "How much?"

  "For a sample this size? One million."

  "Half."

  "Forget it. I've dedicated my entire working life to this. My conscience vanishes at a million. I have another buyer if you can't afford it."

  "I'll set up a meeting with my accountant. You bring the product, I'll bring the money."

  "Glass Slipper has arrived," Finton hissed in my ear. "Get out."

  I offered my hand. Prince Charming shook it. "Pleasure doing business with you. I'll be in touch."

  I tucked the phial into my bag and hurried down the corridor. "Location of Glass Slipper?"

  "Just entered the main hall. The quickest route to the front door is through the hall. The back exit is through the kitchens, which are located in the east wing."

  "Have the car waiting out front."

  I held my masquerade mask to my face, opened the door and stepped into the hall. Music blasted my ear drums. People danced around me, laughing, stumbling and groping each other. I slipped between them, watching the exit and keeping an eye out for Glass Slipper. My cover couldn't be blown before the exchange took place. I sidestepped a man who stumbled into my path, ducked a twirling couple and pushed my way through the mass of bodies that conspired to keep me prisoner.

  He was approaching the bar. I used a tall man as a shield until Glass Slipper's back was to me. I barged through the crowd until the doors were in sight. I hurried down the steps. A man rushing up them banged into me and I dropped my bag. I grabbed everything and dashed to the car.

  "Well done," Finton congratulated me.

  I ducked when I saw Prince Charming on the steps. He leaned down and picked something up. I quickly checked my bag.

  "Shit! My motorbike keys! I have to go back for them."

  Glass Slipper joined Prince Charming.

  "Go," Finton told the driver.

  "I need my keys!"

  "You can't go back now, Glass Slipper will recognise you. Get them when you make the deal."

  "I don't want that slimeball fingering my keys, sniffing them while he has unpleasant thoughts about me."

  Finton laughed. "They're not your knickers."

  "Perv." I folded my arms, scowling.

  Finton opened the back door and jogged to the steps. He spoke to Prince Charming then returned, dangling the keys. I snatched them.

  "You did well. Not sure I agree with manhandling a 'potential client' but it worked out we
ll."

  "Would you want that creep shoving his tongue down your throat and treating your arse like a giant stress ball?"

  "I don't mind a bit of rough play." He winked.

  "Good. Next time you can wear the dress."

  "I'll schedule the meeting in the next few days. This will be one of our biggest take downs."

  "I'm looking forwards to shoving his face in the dirt while I slap the cuffs on him."

  The car eventually pulled up outside my house. I hopped out and let myself in. I headed straight for the shower to wash Prince Smarming off my body.

  ***

  I turned up Metallica's 'Enter Sandman' and fetched the new bottle of oil for my bike. As I reached for it, a giant sack was pulled over my head, my ankles were swiftly tied and I was lifted up, my arms bound to my sides. I struggled and kicked, but I was like a mermaid trapped in a net.

  I was thrown onto what felt like a car seat before the car sped off. I kicked out, satisfied when I heard someone swear in pain.

  "You're very vicious for a lady scientist."

  Prince Charming. I inwardly swore.

  "Competition for the Nobel Prize is fierce."

  "I hardly think you're in contention for the peace prize. Agent Ella Harker."

  Shit! "Can you take this sack off? I feel like an oversized potato." He chuckled. "Where are you taking me? Back to your castle?"

  The car stopped and I was dragged out by my ankles. I hit the ground hard, swearing. I was picked up and carried. I felt my feet touch the floor and the sack was removed. I blinked. I was in a cellar. Someone was tied to a chair, his face a bloodied mess. He opened his eyes.

  Finton.

  I was forced into a chair opposite him and tied down then Prince Charming left.

  "What the hell happened to you?" I whispered.

  "They took offence at my sponsored silence. You hurt, Cinderella?"

  "Call me that again and I'll smash your pumpkins. How the hell did he find us?"

  "The bugs picked him up boasting about planting a tracking device on you when he kissed you."

  "Why didn't you warn me?"

  "And miss this chance for a one on one bonding session? I've been here two days. Drugged and semi-conscious most of the time. If this is how he treats his guests, he won't get an entry in a guest house guide."

  I stood then threw myself backwards, biting my tongue when the chair hit the ground. I struggled up then hobbled to the wall and whacked my chair against it. I hit the ground, smacking my face. Cursing, I stood and attacked the wall until my chair splintered.

  "They make that look so easy in films," I grunted, wriggling my arms down until the rope dropped free.

  I untied my legs, grabbed the sharpest chair leg then hurried to Finton. The door opened and two of Prince Charming's henchmen entered. I ducked behind Finton's chair as a shot rang out.

  "You're not using me as a shield!" He hissed.

  I waited until one of the men got closer then I sprang at him, plunging the leg into his throat. I yanked it out as the other man grabbed me. I stumbled backwards onto Finton's lap then thrust the leg into the man's stomach and kicked him off me.

  "How about kissing me better?" Finton asked.

  I swivelled so I straddled him. "D'you know how many germs are in the human mouth? I wouldn't want you getting infected."

  "I'm a danger junkie."

  "Then you need rehab."

  "You let me see you in your sexy lingerie."

  "It was either take the dress off or have it open like a parachute when I jumped. I didn't have time to float to the ground." I got up and untied the rope. "Now you have to let me see you in your sexy lingerie."

  "My saucy Santa set will make you want to pull my cracker."

  I laughed, helped him up then stole the henchmen's guns. I eyed Finton's broken fingers. "I'll buy you mittens." The door was flung open.

  "Drop the guns or I'll shoot your partner." Prince Charming raised his gun.

  "He deserves it for making me wear that dress."

  He shot him.

  Wow. That really didn't work out as I'd hoped.

  I fired twice into Prince Charming's chest. As he dropped to the floor, I stood over him and fired another bullet into his forehead. I tucked the guns into my waistband then turned. A ruby rose blossomed on Finton's shoulder.

  "He's a terrible shot. Doesn't he know where your heart is?" I helped Finton up, pulling a rag from my pocket to press against the wound.

  "You won't kiss me…because of germs…but use that to stop…the bleeding?" he gasped.

  "You're lucky it's clean. Had he shown up five minutes later, it would've been covered in oil."

  I kicked open the door then ducked under his good arm and supported him up the stairs. Footsteps. I stopped at the top of the stairs and peered around the doorway. A shadow slunk across the wall. I darted out. Another man fired at us, so I shot him twice in the chest. I helped Finton along the hallway. A door opened and a man stared at us before reaching for his gun. I kicked it out of his hands then killed him with a headshot.

  "For a fairy godmother, you suck," I teased.

  "I transformed you into the belle of the ball, without using the magic wand."

  "Which is?"

  "Colt .45. It was my back-up plan. Though that black dress gave me very pleasant dreams."

  Something pressed against the back of my skull.

  "Move and you're dead."

  I spun, hit the gun away and shot Glass Slipper in the head.

  "I hope you're ready for the debriefing first thing Monday morning," Finton said. "You've just killed the man MI6 were hoping to turn for information on a major arms dealing operation."

  I sighed. So much for happily ever after.

  Sleeping Beauties

  Every child has been read fairytales. It's a rite of passage, like climbing trees, owning a games console and being punched in the face. Girls dream of being swept off their feet by handsome princes. Boys dream of fighting witches and dragons and rescuing beautiful princesses from tall towers. No-one dreams of being the wicked witch. Everyone falls in love at first sight. Everyone's beautiful (apart from the evil ones) and the bad get their comeuppance. No wonder people grow up deluded and disappointed. There should be a Fairytales Ruined My Life slot on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

  Some women still dream of meeting Prince Charming. Or meeting a footballer and becoming a WAG, where beauty is only a scalpel away. Some guys develop hero complexes and become firefighters, or dress as Batman at Comic Con.

  I never outgrew my fantasy.

  My mother read me Sleeping Beauty, probably hoping the prince would be my moral compass. Unfortunately, my compass points south. I did fall in love with the princess. But the ending ruined it for me. He finds a beautiful girl, completely at his mercy, wakes her with a kiss, they get married and live happily ever after. Well, he deceives her by never revealing it's one hundred years later and imprisons her in the castle so she never finds out. I never trusted the 'happy ever after' bit. Prince or not, every woman gets sick of their man leaving his dirty underpants lying around like archaeological treasures.

  Many nights I fantasised about finding a girl asleep, but when I kissed her, she didn't wake up.

  That's what really turned me on.

  ***

  Trees surrounded me, like a group of blood worshippers and I was their unwilling sacrifice. I'd be lucky to escape this labyrinthine woodland alive. Especially as I ignored the sign's advice to bring water.

  I stumbled into a clearing and saw a cottage. Seven children huddled together, weeping. I edged closer, drawing my gun. Don't judge me. Children are running gangs these days and trading weapons like we'd traded WWF cards. Then I saw they were dwarves, standing around a glass coffin like it was the latest twisted art exhibit. The girl inside didn't look dead. Her raven hair spilled over her white skin, her lips like a bloodstain on her face. I pictured running my hands over her body and kissing her scarlet lips while she lay there, fe
eling every touch but still asleep.

  I'd found my Sleeping Beauty.

  I'd never had a physical reaction to a girl before. It scared and thrilled me. Maybe love at first sight wasn't something fairytales concocted. I marched forwards, my gun concealing my sinful excitement.

  "I want her!"

  Bugger. I should've opened with 'hello.'

  "Snow White is dead," the fat dwarf said. Well, I doubted the coffin was the latest technology in sunbeds.

  "She's absolutely beautiful. Take her to my mansion."

  Surprisingly, they didn't argue. I must've looked crazed with lust; panting and sweating like a chatline pervert. If they worked for me I'd have them fired. Or shot. They clearly subscribed to the fairytale mentality – beauty = good, ugly = evil. My handsomeness put me in the good camp.

  "Do you promise to look after her?" The ugly one asked.

  "I promise." What else would I say? 'No, I'll treat her appallingly then when she's decomposed, string her up for Halloween.' That would win their trust.

  They carried the coffin to my mansion, singing some annoying repetitive song about going to work. I tripped the smelly dwarf and blamed the miserable one. I had them take the coffin to my bedroom. There was no way I was damaging my back struggling up the stairs with it.

  "You have a beautiful home," the stupid looking dwarf said.

  "Snow White will be happy here," the cross-eyed one agreed.

  She's dead. I could store her in the shed and she wouldn't notice. "Don't steal anything on your way out."

  "You must love her as much as we do," the spotty one remarked. "You have a handsome, trustworthy face so we're happy to leave her with you."

  Clearly they'd never watched Crimewatch.

  Once the Ugly Convention left, I lifted her out of the coffin and laid her on the bed. She was exquisite and still warm. I stroked her hair, her satin skin, my arousal growing. I kissed her unresponsive lips. She tasted of apples. I'd never been with a girl, despite my obvious sex appeal. They were too…awake.

  Overwhelming desire tortured me. I'd never understood how it felt for other people. I understood now. I peeked under her dress. She wore black lace underwear with a garter belt and stockings.