Baby Be Mine

by Paige Toon

  ‘Cool, well, don’t put yourself out.’

  ‘Oh, it won’t be any trouble at all,’ I tell him.

  With Dana back on the scene and clearly keen to make her mark on the matter, Bess and I spend more time out of the house and keeping busy so the weekend comes around quicker than expected. On Friday we go fancy-dress shopping, and after much hilarious deliberation, Bess opts to go dressed as Minnie Mouse, and somehow or other she manages to talk me into wearing a slinky black cat suit so I’m going as a cat. Barney, we’re dressing as a pumpkin because it’s the only costume he doesn’t immediately try to take off. We’re sitting in the kitchen having a laugh with Eddie, when Johnny saunters in. Our easy conversation halts, as it tends to do in his presence.

  ‘You still here?’ he asks Eddie.

  ‘I’m just finishing up,’ Eddie replies.

  ‘Any plans for the weekend?’ asks Johnny.

  ‘Nope. Just hearing about Bess and Meg’s fancy-dress costumes. Sounds like it’s going to be a blast.’

  ‘What’s going to be a blast?’ Dana asks with fake enthusiasm as she bounds into the room.

  ‘Halloween,’ Johnny replies shortly as she kisses him on his cheek and throws her arm around his neck. She’s clearly in an annoyingly good mood.

  ‘Fuck me, I forgot it was Halloween! What are we doing?’

  ‘Hey,’ he warns softly, glancing at Barney and me.

  She clamps her hand over her mouth and looks at me. ‘Sorry, Maria!’

  ‘Maria?’ I ask, unamused.

  ‘The nanny from The Sound of Music,’ she replies with a shrug.

  ‘Can you stop calling me names?’ I ask with irritation.

  She just laughs. ‘Shit, you should totally go dressed as a nun. I bet you’d look great in a habit.’

  ‘Oh, bugger off,’ I mutter.

  ‘Meg.’ Johnny frowns, glancing at Barney as if I’m the one who’s being out of line.

  ‘Are you taking the piss?’ I’m about to lose it, and my son being in the vicinity isn’t going to change that.

  Bess gets up and goes to take Barney, but I stop her.

  ‘Forget it,’ I say calmly.

  ‘So, anyway,’ Dana moves on brightly. ‘Who’s doing what for Halloween?’ She glances at each of us, but neither Bess nor I speak. ‘Johnny? We gotta do something to celebrate our first Halloween together . . .’

  ‘Are you going to Sylvester’s do?’ he asks me.

  ‘Mmm,’ I nod, non-committally.

  ‘Sylvester?’ Dana asks. ‘As in Middleman?’

  Johnny nods.

  ‘Shit, we should totally go to that! Everyone will be there.’

  ‘Really?’ Johnny asks her with surprise. ‘You want to do Halloween?’

  ‘Hell, yeah!’

  My heart continues its descent into the pit of my stomach.

  ‘Hey, you should come, too!’ she says to Eddie. ‘Staff party!’ She laughs.

  ‘Sure, Lena will be able to sort you out with another ticket,’ Johnny says.

  ‘Lena’s left for the weekend,’ I point out, then, like the martyr I am, add: ‘I’ll do it.’

  ‘This is going to be awesome!’ Dana enthuses, ruffling Barney’s hair. ‘What are you going dressed as, buddy?’

  My skin prickles with annoyance. Buddy? That’s what Johnny calls him, not her.

  She looks at me, expecting me to reply. ‘A pumpkin,’ I answer shortly.

  She snorts. ‘A pumpkin? Does that mean you’re going as Cinderella?’ She embarks on a giggling fit. Bess raises one eyebrow at me.

  ‘What’s Joseph going dressed as?’ Bess asks me. Johnny’s eyes dart towards mine.

  ‘Who’s Joseph?’ Dana chips in, conveniently forgetting the other day on the terrace when he called me.

  ‘Meg’s hot new martial-arts-trained boyfriend,’ Bess explains.

  He’s hardly my boyfriend, but I don’t think I’ll bother correcting her.

  ‘Is he coming?’ Johnny asks me quietly.

  ‘Yep,’ I reply bluntly. ‘Right, I’ll go and RSVP for the lot of us.’

  I feel his eyes on my back as I walk out of the room.

  Because there are children involved, the party starts at four o’clock on Saturday, but that’s too early for Dana and Johnny, so Bess, Eddie, Barney and I travel there together. The party is being held at Sylvester’s enormous mansion on Mulholland Drive. We offered to go on a detour to pick up Joseph, but he’s hitching a ride with a couple of actor friends who are going. He’s already waiting out at the front when Davey pulls up, paparazzi flashbulbs going off all around us as celebrities and industry insiders exit their limos.

  ‘There he is,’ I say with a smile.

  ‘Which one?’ Bess asks, leaning forward.

  ‘The guy in the Karate Kid costume.’

  She bursts out laughing. ‘That’s funny.’ Then her laughs die. ‘Oh my God, Meg, he’s gorgeous!’

  ‘Hey!’ Eddie smacks her on her thigh. ‘Give a guy a complex, why don’t you?’

  I just smile wider.

  ‘Hello!’ I exclaim, climbing from the car and almost forgetting to bring my tail with me.

  He sucks the air in through his teeth. ‘Look at you,’ he says.

  ‘Meow,’ I reply, but can’t say it sexily so I start laughing instead.

  It’s probably the stress, but somehow or other I’ve managed to keep the figure I obtained from walking up the hills in Cucugnan, so my skin-tight costume doesn’t look too bad – it helps that I’m wearing high-heeled boots. I’ve tied my blonde hair up into a high, tight ponytail, which goes strangely well with my velvet black cat ears, and my eye make-up is dark grey and glittery. I’m wearing a slick of pink lipgloss and a touch of peachy blusher.

  I turn around to take Barney from Bess, hooking my long cat tail over my arm. I briefly admire my fingernails, painted dark cherry red – Bess and I went for a manicure earlier and I’m wearing black finger-less gloves to show them off.

  ‘Cute,’ Joseph says with a smile at Barney the Pumpkin, before his eyes fall on Bess.

  ‘This is my friend, Bess,’ I introduce them.

  ‘Hi!’ she says with a cheeky grin. Behind us, Batman climbs out of the car.

  ‘This is Eddie,’ I explain to my perplexed date.

  ‘Are you . . .’ Joseph glances at Eddie.

  ‘No, he’s not Barney’s dad,’ I reply quickly. ‘Although . . .’ I hesitate before answering truthfully. ‘He is supposed to be coming later.’

  Bess gives me a wary look. Can I trust Joseph? I don’t think I have a choice. But for now, my news can wait.

  I turn to the others. ‘Shall we go in?’

  It’s not dark yet, but everywhere we look there are candles burning – inside dozens of carved pumpkins lining the winding footpaths, hanging from the olive trees, floating in the enormous swimming pool. I think about the army of staff members it will take to keep them burning as the night wears on; but when darkness hits, it will be breathtaking. The inside of the house has been decorated with fake spider webs and giant sparkly spiders and there are glass bowls full of Halloween-themed sweets on practically every surface. I’m in my element as I grab two jelly snakes and hand one to Barney. Everyone here is dressed in the most extravagant costumes – I dread to think how much they cost. Someone actually has come as Cinderella, with her blonde hair up in a bun and a diamond tiara to finish off the most spectacular, glittering, silver and white meringue I’ve ever seen. I’m actually quite jealous, if I’m honest. My cat costume is looking meagre in comparison.

  ‘Did you see that witch?’ Bess asks me with amazement.

  ‘No, where?’

  ‘She’s gone into the other room. Seriously impressive warts and I swear she must’ve had a professional make-up artist construct her nose and the hairs on her chin.’

  ‘She probably did.’

  ‘I feel like a right tit in my Minnie Mouse get-up.’

  I laugh. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, it’s not a competiti
on.’

  ‘Actually, it is,’ Eddie points out. We follow the direction of his gaze to a poster on the wall. ‘Winner and runners-up announced at nine o’clock.’

  ‘Bummer,’ I say. ‘Oh, well, hopefully no one will notice us if we hide away in a corner and snaffle the canapés as they come out of the kitchen.’

  ‘Did I just hear someone say canapés?’

  I spin around with a huge grin on my face as a sexy red devil comes over to give me a great big hug.

  ‘Bess, this is Kitty,’ I introduce them. Kitty told me earlier on in the week that she and her boss were coming to this do. It feels like the whole of Hollywood is here.

  ‘I swear I just saw Brad Pitt!’ Bess suddenly squeals.

  I shake my head. ‘Nah, he won’t be here.’

  ‘He looked just like him!’ She’s convinced.

  ‘He and Ange might bring the kids,’ Kitty muses.

  ‘I’m on serious celeb-watch in any case,’ Bess tells us.

  ‘You’ll do well to spot anyone with their costumes on,’ Kitty points out. ‘Hello, Joseph,’ she adds with a smile.

  ‘Hey,’ he replies. She turns to give Batman an inquisitive look.

  ‘Oh, sorry,’ I come to my senses. ‘Kitty, this is Eddie.’

  ‘Hi, Eddie.’

  He lifts up his face mask and shakes her hand.

  She narrows her eyes. ‘You look familiar.’

  ‘Oh,’ he shrugs modestly as he puts his mask back on. ‘You might’ve seen me on morning TV.’

  ‘You’re a chef!’ she exclaims. ‘Yes, I have seen you! So you’re working for Johnny, then?’ She puts two and two together.

  ‘That’s right,’ he nods.

  ‘Who’s Johnny?’ Joseph asks.

  ‘Johnny Jefferson,’ I reply, glancing at him to gauge his reaction.

  ‘Oh, right. Eddie works for him?’ He looks interested, but not overawed, which I’m pleased about.

  ‘Sure does.’ Tell him about Barney. ‘Shall we get a drink?’ Nope. Maybe later.

  I see Dana before I see Johnny. It’s hard not to because she’s lit up like a frigging Christmas tree.

  ‘An angel,’ Bess says wryly.

  ‘Can you believe it?’ I reply.

  She’s wearing a cascade of white silk and her wings and halo are actually glowing from within. It’s an impressive costume, I’ll give her that much.

  People turn to stare, which is exactly the reaction she was seeking, but when the room suddenly falls silent before the noise pipes back up again, I’m pretty certain it’s because Johnny has arrived. Is he really here already? It’s only seven o’clock. I crane my neck to look for him before I reel myself back in. I don’t want to look like I care. I realise everyone else in the room is probably doing the same thing.

  ‘Your boss is here,’ Joseph says to Eddie.

  ‘Yeah,’ Eddie replies, glancing at me with a strange expression on his face. He clearly thinks I should tell Joseph the truth.

  I spy Johnny behind Dana and he nods at me briefly before turning to greet someone else.

  ‘Do you know him, too?’ Joseph asks me.

  ‘He’s Barney’s father,’ I reply, turning to look at him.

  ‘No shit,’ he murmurs, dragging his eyes away from Johnny. ‘You managed to keep that well hidden from the press – and from me,’ he adds quietly.

  ‘I’m telling you now,’ I say.

  ‘I’ll keep your secret safe,’ he replies seriously.

  ‘Thank you,’ I mouth, just as Johnny interrupts us.

  ‘Eddie,’ he says, shaking Eddie’s hand. ‘Kitty.’ He leans down to give her a kiss on her cheek and then does the same to Bess. Both blush furiously. Even though Kitty works in showbiz, Johnny is on another level of fame to most, so even she feels daunted by him. He nods at me and then sweeps Barney up in his arms. For a split second the room falls silent again and my heart momentarily clenches with fear. What is he doing? Johnny Jefferson is hardly known to be kiddie-friendly – so why would he do that? He turns to look at Joseph.

  ‘Johnny, meet Joseph. Joseph, Johnny.’

  Johnny nods, but doesn’t shake his hand because he’s carrying Barney. Or perhaps that’s why he’s carrying Barney – very tactical.

  ‘Hello.’ Dana beams at Joseph as she steps forward. ‘I like your costume.’ She giggles.

  ‘Not very inventive,’ he replies. ‘Yours is pretty impressive.’

  ‘I was being ironic,’ she points out smugly, as if everyone in this room isn’t already aware of that fact.

  ‘I gathered that,’ Joseph replies with an easy grin.

  ‘I think she looks like a glow-worm,’ Bess mutters in my ear and I stifle a snort.

  Johnny’s gaze hardens.

  ‘What did you come as?’ I ask him innocently.

  ‘I don’t do fancy dress,’ he replies bluntly.

  ‘No, really? I was being sarcastic’ I nod at Barney in his arms. ‘Is that such a good idea?’

  Johnny shrugs and puts him down on the floor. Barney turns around to face Johnny and jumps up and down on the spot, desperate to be picked up again. A few people in the vicinity look amused. I lift up Barney myself, hoping to dispel the attention, but then I realise it might look even odder to the strangers here. What’s Johnny doing carrying my son? Who am I? It occurs to me that some people might actually recognise me – I did use to work as his PA, after all. The bad feeling inside me grows stronger.

  ‘Let’s go to the bar,’ Johnny says to Dana.

  ‘Christ, I didn’t think those words were ever going to come,’ she replies with relief, before following him without a backward glance.

  ‘Alright?’ Joseph asks me, sensing my trepidation.

  ‘Mmm,’ I reply, glancing nervously at the other party-goers. ‘Do you mind if we go outside?’

  ‘Lead the way.’

  I head outside to the rolling gardens overlooking the city lights. It’s already dark, but the gardens are lit with fairy lights and hundreds of the aforementioned candles. There’s a children’s play area inside a giant pumpkin coach and it suddenly clicks.

  ‘Aah!’

  ‘What?’ Bess asks me.

  ‘Cinderella must be Sylvester’s wife.’

  ‘She is,’ Kitty confirms. ‘You know Sly’s dressed like the Prince?’

  ‘Really? Genius,’ I reply. ‘What about his kids?’

  ‘Ugly sisters?’ Eddie suggests.

  ‘Rats?’ Bess pipes up.

  ‘Rats?’ Eddie asks, pulling a face.

  ‘Yeah, you know,’ Bess explains. ‘Doesn’t the Fairy Godmother turn mice and rats into horses and footmen or something like that?’

  Eddie shrugs and Bess punches his arm. ‘Don’t you know anything?’

  ‘I know that I need another drink,’ he replies with a wink. ‘Come with me to the bar?’

  ‘Okay.’ Off they head.

  ‘I’d better check on the Rodster,’ Kitty tells us, making an obvious exit for our benefit. God knows why – my seventeen-month-old son is right there so we’re hardly going to copulate in the bushes.

  I wander over to a bench and sit down so I can keep an eye on Barney in the pumpkin. A pumpkin in a pumpkin. I wonder if that’s doing anyone else’s head in.

  ‘Heels again,’ Joseph points out with a grin.

  I smile back at him. ‘How was your audition?’

  ‘Pretty good, I think. Hard to tell, though. So much bullshit in Hollywood.’

  ‘You had a bit of a West Country twang, then.’

  ‘Really? I spent some time there as a kid,’ he explains.

  ‘Did you? Which part?’

  ‘Er, Dorset, mainly.’

  ‘I used to go to Somerset when my ex-boyfriend lived there.’

  ‘Is that right?’

  ‘It’s beautiful,’ I comment.

  ‘I haven’t been back for a long time.’

  ‘You lived in London, right?’

  ‘I did, but I’m pretty settled here now.
At least for the time being. We’ll see if it gets me anywhere.’

  ‘Have you always wanted to be an actor?’ I ask.

  ‘Hell, no.’ He laughs. ‘I kind of got into it by accident.’

  ‘Really? How?’

  ‘A film crew came in to do a documentary about kick-boxing. The director saw – I don’t know,’ he looks a little awkward, ‘something in me and cast me as a small part in a British film.’

  ‘I thought you were trained in kung fu?’

  ‘I am, now. But I started off as a kick-boxer.’

  ‘Cool.’

  He laughs. ‘What about you? How did you end up with a . . . rock star?’ he asks in a funny voice.

  ‘I used to be his PA.’

  ‘Aah,’ he replies ominously. The whole business suddenly feels sordid.

  ‘It was complicated,’ I try to explain.

  ‘These things usually are. It makes you wonder how many other illegitimate children of celebrities there are around the world.’

  That uneasy feeling again.

  ‘I think Barney is Johnny’s only child,’ I tell him. Why would anyone else keep it a secret? I had my reasons for staying quiet. Then again, I guess I’m not the only girl to cheat on her boyfriend . . . I bet plenty of Johnny’s groupies were in relationships when they slept with him. What a horrid thought.

  ‘Cheer up,’ Joseph says brightly, patting my leg.

  ‘Yeah, let’s change the subject,’ I reply, screwing up my nose. ‘You don’t have a girlfriend, do you?’

  He laughs. ‘I wouldn’t be here with you if I did.’

  I smile at him, embarrassed. ‘Okay, so that was a silly question,’ I admit. ‘But seriously, why not? How can someone who looks like you be single?’

  He laughs again. ‘I thought we were changing the subject? We don’t really want talk about our exes, do we?’

  ‘No, maybe not.’ Definitely not. Christian comes to my mind and I realise how much he would have loved this party with all its bowls of sweets.

  A wail comes from the pumpkin coach.

  ‘Barney,’ I tell Joseph as I hurry over to my son. He’s on the floor and has clearly fallen over or been pushed, but his sobs seem like a pretty big overreaction.

  ‘He’s tired,’ I say when I return to the bench. Barney snuggles into my chest and I pray silently that he’s not snotting on my outfit. Black is the worst colour to wear when you have kids – I should have worn white. But then I would have looked like Dana. I scan the crowd. Where’s everyone else we know? It’s a big place, so even though she’s lit up like a beacon, I can’t see Dana anywhere. An image of her screwing Johnny the other night pierces my mind. I try to blot it out, without any joy. I glance at Joseph.