Monkey Madness

by Anna Wilson

  ‘Yeah, special,’ squeaked Sophie Disbry.

  ‘OK. Yeah, course I will,’ he said. After all, it couldn’t be that hard to find a present from Africa, could it? ‘Like a special cuddly toy or something?’ he asked hopefully.

  Flo’s face darkened and she opened her mouth to speak, but Millie Hampton had leaned in and cupped her hand to Flo’s ear and was now whispering something into it. As she whispered, Flo’s face changed from Spiky And Scary to Delighted And Mischievous and she nodded slowly. Then Millie stepped back, looking very pleased with herself indeed.

  Flo’s smile grew broader and broader until it had developed into a Full-On Grin. Then she said, slowly and ever-so-slightly menacingly, ‘I have just had an excellent idea.’

  Millie let out a squeak of protest at this, but Flo gave her a shove, so she shut up.

  ‘Oh yeah?’ said Felix, sounding a lot tougher than he felt. (His left leg was actually wobbling, he was feeling so completely un-tough at that moment in time.)

  ‘Oh yeah!’ said Flo. ‘You, Felix Stowe, are going to make up for the fact that you are a useless friend.’

  ‘I am?’ said Felix.

  ‘You are,’ said Flo. ‘D’you remember when we went to Shortfleet Safari Park and you had the stupid idea of trying to capture a monkey and we all got into trouble?’

  ‘Well, actually it was your idea and—’

  ‘And d’you remember how the man said that it was stealing because the monkeys belonged to the park?’

  Felix nodded sadly. There was no point in interrupting Flo when she was On A Roll.

  ‘Well,’ said Flo, with a very self-satisfied smirk, ‘this is your chance to make it up to me twice over. Number One –’ she held up a finger – ‘you owe me for that Dreadful Day at Shortfleet when you let all the monkeys into the car . . .’

  ‘But it was you who opened the windows!’ Felix cried.

  ‘AND Number Two,’ Flo spoke over him, ‘you owe me for not taking me to Africa. Sooooo –’ she paused and exchanged another triumphant look with the Pink Brigade – ‘you are going to bring me back a baby monkey.’

  ‘BUT –!’ Felix tried to protest.

  ‘No buts,’ said Flo, sticking her nose in the air. ‘If there’s no monkey, then, Felix, there is No Us.’

  And with that, she turned on her heel and flounced off.

  Felix could hardly believe that he was finally on a plane, away from Flo and her horrible girly friends. For now at least. The past week had been awful, but now the holiday had begun.

  He sighed as he rested his forehead against the cool glass of the aeroplane window and stared down at the strange landscape. It was so flat! And so yellow and dry-looking.

  Those trees are tiny, he thought. They are like balls of string on sticks; messy and spiky.

  The ground was rushing up to greet him, the earth sending up clouds of dust as the plane drew nearer and nearer to its landing spot.

  ‘This is it, Zed!’ he said excitedly, nudging his uncle, who had fallen asleep and was drooling on to his T-shirt.

  ‘Wha – oh, maaaan,’ Zed groaned. ‘Don’t you ever sleep?’

  ‘Welcome to my world, little brother,’ said Mum, sighing and stretching.

  The journey from England had taken a whole night and even then they had not reached their final destination. They had had to change planes in Johannesburg in South Africa, where they waved goodbye to Dad. His meetings were there, but Felix, Zed and Mum were going on to Botswana on a much smaller plane, because that was where Bibi lived.

  ‘How can you sleep?’ Felix asked, bouncing up and down in his seat. ‘Only,’ he added, ‘I kind of wish I had slept. This journey is taking HOURS.’

  Zed grinned. ‘That’s what a safari is, man. It means “long journey” in Swahili.’

  ‘Yes, but we’re not even ON the safari yet!’ Felix whined. ‘I have not seen a single animal . . .’ He craned his neck to look out of the window again. ‘Where are all the animals?’ he pondered. He hoped that Zed was right and that he would see lots of animals. From where he was sitting now, things did not look too promising.

  The plane started to judder. Felix gripped the armrests on either side of his seat and sat back as the plane came into land. The passengers erupted into joyous applause. Felix cheered, the bubbles of excitement which had been building up inside him over the long journey bursting out of him in little whoops of happiness.

  A man in front turned around and looked over the top of his seat at him. For one split second, Felix thought he might be about to tell him off for whooping, but instead, the man beamed and said, ‘Welcome to Botswana, young man!’

  Felix, Zed and Mum received an equally warm welcome in the airport building. A tall man (even taller than Zed, Felix noticed) was waiting for them in the Arrivals area.

  ‘Hey! Bibi!’ Zed cried, bounding up to him. He did a funny handshake with the man, which seemed to take much longer than normal: first the two men took each other’s right hand and shook it once, then they left their thumbs linked and made their arms stick out at right angles. Finally, they grabbed the top of each other’s hands and went back into a normal handshake.

  It was very complicated-looking, but also quite cool, Felix thought. Maybe it is some kind of secret sign? he wondered. He tried to do it using both his own hands.

  The tall man saw him and beamed.

  Felix gasped. Those teeth! So white! He bet the dentist gave the man loads of stickers for keeping them looking that good.

  ‘Dumela, Rra,’ the man said, using his country’s greeting. ‘I am Bibi. And you must be Felix?’

  Felix suddenly felt very shy. He nodded and took a small step backwards.

  Mum jabbed him lightly, ‘Say hello!’ she hissed.

  ‘Dumela, Mma!’ said Bibi, looking at Mum.

  Mum’s face did something funny: her stiff, tired frown sort of crumpled, then it melted away, leaving her face smoother and pinker than Felix could ever remember seeing it.

  ‘Oh, oh, dumela, Rra,’ Mum stammered, trying the strange words. They seemed to roll around her mouth awkwardly.

  Zed roared with laughter. ‘Sweet!’ he cried. ‘Never thought I’d hear my big sis having a go at the lingo!’ He slapped Bibi on the back. ‘It’s so good to see you again, man. We can’t wait to get going, can we Feels?’

  Felix nodded again.

  ‘So, let’s not waste time. Follow me!’ said Bibi. He led them out of the building to a minibus. ‘First I am going to take you to my village,’ he explained. ‘There we will spend the night before going to the Game Reserve. The journey is very long.’

  Felix let out a small groan. ‘But I thought we were already there!’ he said.

  Bibi shook his head. ‘My homeland is a big country with lots of space. It will take hours to travel to where we want to go. You must be patient. Patience is something you need a lot of on safari.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Zed agreed. ‘And the best thing about Africa is that people here like to take things sloooowwww.’

  ‘We call it “Africa time”,’ said Bibi.

  Felix frowned. ‘Do the clocks go more slowly here then?’ he asked.

  Bibi and Zed laughed. ‘You could say that!’ said Zed.

  Mum yawned. ‘Sounds like the perfect holiday.’

  Bibi opened the minibus door and put their luggage in. They clambered into the hot, airless interior. Mum began fanning her face and looking rather uncomfortable.

  ‘I have some advice for you,’ said Bibi. ‘You will need to drink a lot. My country is a dry country. You come from a wet land. You are not used to the dust and the heat. You will get a headache if you do not drink lots and lots of water.’

  ‘Can I ask – erm, will we be able to stop . . . on the journey?’ Mum asked.

  Bibi smiled. ‘Mma,’ he said, ‘that is not a problem. But I can tell you that even if you drink a lot of water, you will probably not need to stop.’

  He climbed into the driver’s seat and started the engine.
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br />   Mum leaned forward nervously. ‘And where would we, er, stop – if we needed to?’ she asked.

  ‘Oh, anywhere that is safe to do so,’ Bibi said over his shoulder. ‘We use what is called the “bush toilet”.’

  ‘What’s that?’ Felix asked, confused.

  Zed grinned. ‘He means that you have to take a pee in the bushes,’ he said.

  Felix immediately perked up at this piece of news. Why couldn’t adults in England be so relaxed? The number of times he had been on a long car journey with Dad and he had been bursting for the loo, and Dad had made him wait and wait until they found a motorway service station . . .

  Mum did not seem to be as enthusiastic as Felix about this way of doing things. ‘Is it safe?’ she asked.

  Bibi shrugged. ‘Mostly,’ he said. ‘If you are careful where you put your feet.’ He pulled out of the car park.

  Mum pursed her lips. ‘I think I’ll wait until we get to the camp,’ she said.

  Zed chuckled. ‘Hey, sis, what are you expecting at the camp? Four-star service? There’s no bathroom in a tent, man!’

  ‘Clive,’ said Mum warningly. She only ever used his real name instead of his nickname when she was annoyed with him. ‘I hope I am not going to regret bringing you with me.’

  ‘As if, sis,’ said Zed, flinging a long arm around his sister and hugging her to him. ‘As if!’

  Felix had never been a patient passenger in the car, but that was because normally car journeys meant whizzing along an English motorway with nothing to see from the window but miles and miles of tarmac and other cars. Felix usually spent the time desperately looking out for some kind of bird or animal so that he could log it in his Wildlife Diary.

  ‘So, Feels,’ Zed said quietly, leaning against Felix. ‘D’you want me to ask Bibi about getting Flo a special present? He might have an idea.’

  Felix tore his eyes away from the window. ‘Not yet,’ he said.

  He felt his stomach lurch: he did not want to be reminded about Flo because that reminded him about her demanding a baby monkey, and there was no way he could talk to any of the grown-ups about that, not even Zed.

  ‘Sweet,’ said Zed, settling himself back into his seat. ‘I’m going to have a zizz then,’ he sighed.

  Mum rolled her eyes. ‘Why break the habit of a lifetime?’

  Bibi turned his head to join in the conversation. ‘You might as well sleep, Mma,’ he said to Mum. ‘It is a long way.’

  Felix felt sure that this would become the phrase of the holiday.

  He did not mind too much, though. Even in Maun, the town the small airport was in, there was so much to see – Africa was definitely a way cooler place to live than England. For a start there were animals EVERYWHERE. People just carried them around with them wherever they went. There was a woman walking down the road with a shopping basket slung over her arm. When Felix took a closer look he saw two chickens’ heads peeping out over the edge. For a moment he thought that they were chickens which she had bought to take home to cook, but then one of them bobbed its head right up and squawked loudly! Then the other one got cross with the squawky one and tried flapping its wings. The woman shook the basket irritably and patted the chickens back down inside.

  ‘Mum . . . Can we have chickens?’ Felix asked when he saw this.

  ‘Don’t start!’ Mum warned. ‘You’ve asked me that before – don’t you remember what I said?’

  ‘Ye-es,’ Felix said with a sigh. ‘Colin would eat them.’

  Zed opened one eye and chuckled. ‘You’ve never been animal-mad, have you, sis?’

  Mum just snorted and went back to reading the guidebook she had brought with her.

  ‘Chickens are very good animals to keep,’ said Bibi, glancing back over his shoulder. ‘You have your fresh eggs every day, and then you can cook the chicken too,’ he pointed out.

  Felix shuddered. ‘I couldn’t eat one of my pets,’ he said.

  ‘A chicken is not a pet!’ Bibi cried.

  ‘My thoughts exactly,’ Mum muttered.

  Felix was about to respond when he was distracted by something on the road.

  ‘Wow, look at that!’ he shouted, prodding his uncle to get his attention. ‘Donkeys! And . . . goats . . . and a cow! In the middle of the road! In town! Just walking – in the middle of the road!’

  Bibi grinned. ‘This is normal. The people are taking them to market.’

  Felix suddenly felt almost sick with envy. English towns were just too neat and tidy. No one ever walked around with live chickens in a shopping basket, and there were certainly no goats, donkeys or cows on the high street. Felix decided that English towns could learn a lot from African ones.

  The roads became dustier and bumpier as Bibi drove into open country. Felix kept his eyes peeled for signs of wildlife. He was not disappointed.

  ‘Wow! What are those?’ he cried, sitting up and pointing out of the window.

  Bibi glanced over to the left. ‘They are warthogs,’ he said. ‘That is a family group. The male is the one with four warts on its face.’

  Felix wished he could get his camera out of the suitcase.

  ‘Do not worry,’ said Bibi, as if reading his mind. ‘You will see warthogs all over the place. They are not so exciting. In fact, there are annoying. They get into the village sometimes and dig up the vegetables and go through our rubbish.’

  ‘Like the foxes and badgers at home!’ said Mum.

  Felix could not help thinking that warthogs were a lot more exciting than foxes and badgers. ‘What about monkeys?’ he asked carelessly. ‘Do they ever come into the village?’

  Bibi pulled a face in the rear-view mirror. ‘They certainly do, the pests!’

  ‘Why are they pests?’ Felix asked.

  Zed chuckled. ‘Remember those monkeys at Shortfleet?’

  ‘I’d rather not,’ Mum muttered. ‘They were certainly pests.’

  Felix ignored Mum and shuffled forward in his seat. ‘Why are monkeys a pest in the wild?’

  ‘No animal is a pest when it sticks to its natural habitat in the wild,’ said Bibi. ‘It is when animals come into contact with man that the problems begin. Whoooa—!’

  He gave a sudden shout and slammed on the brakes as an ostrich ran out in front of the minibus, waving its huge wings threateningly, and arching its long neck.

  Bibi hooted the horn and the ostrich turned and ran back into the bush at the side of the road, hissing and flapping as it went.

  Felix bounced up and down in his seat. ‘Wow!’ he cried. ‘This is a lot more exciting than driving around at home! Mum, imagine if an ostrich ran out in front of us on the school run! You would say LOADS more rude words—!’

  ‘That’s enough, Felix,’ said Mum.

  Bibi laughed. ‘As I said, it is when animals come into contact with man that the problems begin!’

  The journey was sooooooooooo long. Occasionally they passed a small group of mud huts or some more cows, but for ages and ages there was nothing to see but miles and miles of rough, red road, leading seemingly nowhere.

  Felix was bored.

  ‘Are we going the right way?’ he asked Bibi. ‘How do you know which way to drive?’

  Bibi grinned at him in the rear-view mirror. ‘What are you talking about, Felix?’ he teased. ‘I have eyes! I use my eyes!’

  Felix shook his head. ‘I mean, there are no road signs, and all these roads look the same. So how do you know that this is the right way from the airport to your village?’

  Bibi was giggling now. ‘You are a funny little man,’ he said. ‘I have lived in this country all my life! I know the roads.’

  Felix was not going to let this go, however. ‘Yes, but I’ve lived in my country all of my life and I don’t know all the roads, and if some of them look the same and don’t have road signs, it’s quite easy to get lost. Mum is always getting lost, especially when she has to go anywhere that has roundabouts. And once she got so lost that she started shouting and saying that if the counci
l didn’t flipping well—’

  ‘I think what Bibi is trying to say, Felix,’ Mum said, leaning forward and giving him another one of her That’s-Enough-Now looks, ‘is that there are not as many roads here as in England. If you look at the map,’ she added, pointing in the guidebook, ‘there are only a few main roads.’

  Felix wanted to explain that he just couldn’t understand how Bibi could tell the difference between one long line of red road and another. There were no landmarks, as far as he could tell – unless you could remember the shape of a tree or the position of a certain type of bush. Everything looked the same forever. The little villages they had passed along the way were all so similar: clusters of small, round huts with thatched roofs, donkeys, goats and cattle wandering around with the people, wire fences enclosing everything. How did Bibi even know which was his village when all the houses and the villages looked alike? Maybe if Bibi came to England he would think the same about the streets and houses there? Felix reasoned. But no, in England there were at least street signs.

  Suddenly Bibi leaned out of the window and gave a shout as he brought the minibus to a standstill on the edge of yet another group of huts. He was grinning even more broadly, and waving at someone or something ahead. He beeped the horn and Felix realized that a crowd of people were emerging from the trees to the right-hand side.

  Bibi cut the engine and Felix heard laughter and shouting and saw people of all ages coming towards the minibus, waving and smiling. Some of them were carrying huge bundles on their heads, without even using their hands to balance them there! Felix was very impressed and decided he would learn how to do this so that he could carry his school books and still have his hands free for doing more important stuff.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Mum asked. She sounded worried. She muttered something about a ‘tourist trap,’ which Felix thought did not sound very nice. He knew about animal traps, and he had a nasty vision of himself and his family being put in a cage.

  Mum nudged Zed and was urging him to ‘ask Bibi why we have stopped in the middle of nowhere’ when Bibi turned to face them and, spreading his arms wide, he said, ‘Welcome to my village!’