Monkey Madness

by Anna Wilson

  ‘Don’t worry. We all know it was Mo’s idea. Even your mum knows you would not have done this without some encouragement.’

  Felix looked up at his uncle. His bottom lip began to wobble.

  ‘Feels, don’t!’ said Zed. He put his arm around him. ‘Listen, why don’t you tell me what’s going on?’

  ‘No, I’ve got to finish doing this . . .’ Felix began. A big, fat tear landed on the front of his T-shirt and spread, leaving a dark splodge.

  ‘It’s OK,’ Zed said. Then he called out, ‘Hey, Feels is just taking a little break. Be back in a jiffy.’ Then he quickly marched Felix away from the scattered picnic food before Mo could intervene.

  ‘So,’ said Zed. ‘Hit me with it.’

  ‘It’s all Flo’s fault,’ Felix began, and let out a shuddery sigh.

  Zed frowned. ‘Don’t you mean Mo?’ he said.

  Felix shook his head. ‘Flo. Flora,’ he added, to make it clear who he was talking about. ‘She got all huffy with me – I told you.’

  ‘Ye-eah,’ said Zed slowly. ‘You said you were going to get her a present. It’s OK. We’ve still got time for that. Bibi can stop on the way back and . . . OH!’ said Zed. He stopped abruptly. Then he whispered, ‘Oh, man – you weren’t trying to steal her a monkey?’

  Felix nodded glumly.

  ‘MAN!’ Zed cried. ‘Don’t you ever learn your lesson? I thought you’d promised “no more monkey business” after . . .’ He broke off as Felix’s shoulders began to shake. ‘OK, OK. I guess now is not the time. So, what are you going to do?’

  Felix sniffed and shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Flo is going to hate me. She said if I didn’t bring her back a monkey there would be No More Us.’

  Zed stroked his beard. ‘Doesn’t sound like she is being much of a friend if she’s asking you to do such a stupid thing,’ he said.

  ‘You don’t understaaaand!’ Felix cried.

  ‘OK,’ said Zed firmly. ‘This is what we are going to do. We’re going to explain everything to Bibi and he will come up with a cool idea for something you can take back to Flo which will guarantee that she will be amazed and will still be your friend. How does that sound?’

  So Zed took a reluctant Felix to talk to Bibi.

  ‘Bibi, I’ve been thinking, man,’ said Zed. ‘Is there, like, anything as cool as the baobab tree, but smaller, obviously, that Felix could take back to impress his friends? He really wants to show them something amazing from your country.’

  Bibi raised his eyebrows. ‘No animals are allowed to leave the country without a very special licence,’ he said.

  Zed waved his hand hastily. ‘No, no, no! I didn’t mean that. Felix has totally learned his lesson about that, haven’t you, dude?’

  Felix nodded.

  Bibi thought for a moment, then he said, ‘What about some tambotie seeds?’

  Zed beamed. ‘Yeah, that’s the kind of thing.’

  ‘W-what are they?’ Felix whispered.

  Zed ruffled his hair. ‘They’re awesome! You could tell Flo they were a little bit of African magic.’

  Bibi rolled his eyes. ‘I have told you already, there is no such thing. I will get Harmony to show you some tambotie seeds and I will explain.’ He called over to his daughter who was making a big deal out of picking up the last bits of food from the monkey disaster, and told her to go and find some seeds.

  She came back with a handful of things which looked a bit like tiny snail shells. She also had a cup of water. Then she said to Felix, ‘Pour some of this water on your hands.’

  Felix looked at Bibi and Zed. They both nodded their encouragement, so he did as she asked. Then he held out his wet hands, palms facing upward and Mo tipped the seeds on to them.

  ‘Oh!’ He started, as the seeds immediately began jumping the minute they hit his wet skin. ‘What’s going on?’

  Mo grinned. ‘African magic,’ she said.

  Bibi groaned. ‘Stop it, Harmony,’ he said. ‘Felix, these seeds have small larvae in them – a moth lays its eggs inside the seed. When the rains fall, or any water touches them, the larvae begin to move because they think it is time to hatch, and the seed is dispersed so that new tambotie can grow. African children play with these seeds all the time. We call them jumping beans.’

  Felix was impressed. However, something told him this was not special enough to impress Flo. ‘They are cool,’ he said, ‘but . . . we have jumping beans at home. Plastic ones,’ he admitted, ‘but still . . .’

  Mo looked cross and was about to protest.

  Bibi said hastily, ‘Well, I think I can come up with something that you will never have seen before. It is also a plant and it is completely safe, but if you want to do a magic trick back home, this will amaze everyone . . .’ And he proceeded to explain.

  Felix listened, wide-eyed with wonder.

  ‘That really is the most fantastic thing I have ever heard!’ he said, when Bibi had finished.

  ‘I think even Miss Flora Small will be impressed by that,’ Zed said, ‘don’t you, man?’

  Felix was very sad to say goodbye to Bibi, Mo and Elvis.

  They spent a night at Bibi’s house again on their way back to the airport and had a lovely evening chatting about their adventures and eating more of the delicious bogobe they had had on their first stay.

  ‘I don’t want to go home,’ Felix sighed. He was sitting on the floor after dinner with Kabelo on his lap. ‘I will miss Botswana. And I will miss you too, Kabelo,’ he cooed as he stroked the mongoose’s soft, stripy fur.

  ‘How can you miss him?’ Mo scoffed. ‘You hardly know him.’

  ‘Yes, but he’s so cute and we don’t have banded mongoose in England,’ said Felix.

  Mo stuck her nose in the air and said carelessly, ‘Well, if I was a tourist, and if I had made good friends with a Botswanan person, I think I would miss the Botswanan person more than a stupid mongoose. But perhaps you have lots of Botswanan people as your friends back in England?’

  Felix looked up and saw that Mo’s eyes had gone a bit shiny. ‘I – I will miss you too, Mo,’ he said quietly. He realized as he said it that he really did mean it. Mo might have got him into trouble, but she had been fun. He would probably never see her again.

  Mo glanced at Felix and shot him a mischievous grin. ‘I will miss you too, English Boy Friend!’ she said, laughing her raucous hyena-laugh.

  Mum had reluctantly agreed to having Flo round the day after they got back from holiday.

  Felix was a bundle of nervous excitement.

  ‘What shall I say? Shall I show her the present before she goes mad cos I haven’t got a monkey? Shall I show her the film of the monkeys all dressed up to explain how naughty they were?’

  Felix remembered what Dad did when he had a speech to practise: he would walk up and down talking to himself, shaking his head, jabbing his finger in the air and muttering until he got the speech exactly right. He called it Blue-Sky Thinking or Brain-Storming, both of which sounded quite uncomfortable and a little bit scary to Felix, but Dad said it worked every time.

  So Felix muttered and paced and jabbed his finger in the air. He soon discovered that practising speeches was a lot harder than it looked.

  ‘Hi, Flo. I’ve got so much to tell you. But first, I want to show you something really cool! . . . Hi, Flo. I’ve got so many showthings to say you. But first let me cool you how many tellings I’ve got . . . Hi, Flo. I’m so cool! But first tell me how many somethings you’ve got—’

  DRIIIING!!!

  ‘ARGHH!’ Felix leaped in the air. The doorbell was ringing so furiously that even Dyson did not do his usual enthusiastic charge down the hall to see who it was. He hovered, whimpering behind Felix instead.

  ‘I know!’ whispered Felix. ‘I’m scared too!’

  DRIIIIIINNNNNNGGG!

  ‘ARE YOU GOING TO LET ME IN OR NOT?’ said a shrill voice.

  ‘Felix!’ Mum called from upstairs. ‘For goodness sake answer the door, won’t you?’


  ‘Yeah, squirt,’ said Merv, coming up behind him and thumping him on the shoulder. ‘It’s probably your girlfriend.’

  Felix kicked out at his brother, muttering, ‘Shuddup!’ then ran to open the door.

  ‘Oh! HelloFlocomeinandshowmesomethingcool!’ he gabbled.

  ‘What are you on about?’ barked Flo. ‘You’d better have something cool to show me.’

  Merv snorted and said, ‘Going to let your girlfriend boss you around, are you, squirt?’ Then he laughed nastily and headed upstairs, from where the sound of thudding music could soon be heard.

  Felix rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t listen to Merv,’ he said. Then he stepped back to let Flo past him. ‘You’d better come into the kitchen. We have to stay Under The Radar, cos Mum and Dad are tired,’ he explained.

  ‘Yes,’ said Flo airily. ‘It must have been hard work looking after the baby monkey on the aeroplane.’ Then she batted her eyelashes at Felix. ‘But it will all have been worth it. I do soooo appreciate it,’ she added, in her most annoying I-am-such-a-grown-up voice.

  Felix swallowed hard. ‘Ah, yes,’ he said. ‘About the baby monkey . . .’

  Flo waited, hands on hips, one eyebrow arched.

  Felix coughed.

  Flo frowned.

  Felix shuffled his feet and said, ‘The thing is . . .’

  Flo glared at him. ‘You haven’t got one, have you? Honestly, I ask you to do One Simple Thing.’ She made as though to leave. ‘Well, you know what I said – no monkey, no—’

  ‘No-nonono,’ Felix said, jumping between Flo and the door. ‘I’ve got you something much better. I’m going to show you some African magic.’

  Flo curled her lip. ‘Felix, do you think I am stupid?’ she sneered. ‘There is No Such Thing as magic. Honestly, even Miss Millie-I’m-A-Duh-Brain Hampton knows that.’

  ‘I thought you and Millie were Best Friends now,’ said Felix.

  Flo flared her nostrils. ‘Me? And Millie Hampton? Best Friends?’ she scoffed. ‘Me and that stupid pink girlie loser who thinks it’s OK to have a party and invite Sophie Disbry and not me? Best Friends? I think NOT!’

  ‘O-kaaay,’ said Felix. ‘Anyway, so as I was saying, I have learned some African magic. I can prove it. Then, if you like it, I can show you how it is done. First of all, get me a lemon from that bowl.’

  Flo sighed impatiently. She stomped over to the bowl, picked up a lemon and threw it at Felix.

  Felix caught it. He was a bit excited now, so he just ignored Flo’s bad temper. He turned away briefly then he turned back and said in his Magician Voice.

  ‘I will now perform for you a Once In A Lifetime Amazing African Trick!’ Then he did a fake drum roll.

  ‘Oh, for goodness sake, I’m going home,’ said Flo.

  ‘No! Watch!’ Felix said. Then, with a flourish, he held the lemon in front of his face – and took a massive bite out of it!

  Flo’s expression turned from shock, to disgust, to amazement as she watched Felix happily chomp his way through the whole lemon without flinching. In fact, he seemed actually to enjoy eating it.

  ‘WHA –?’ she cried. ‘Give me that!’ she said as she lunged at the small piece of lemon remaining in Felix’s hand. She peered at it, sniffed it and then made to take a bite.

  ‘NO!’ Felix shouted, flinging his hand out to stop her.

  It was too late. Flo had taken a bite.

  ‘Peuh! Bleurgh! YEEEUUUCK!’ she cried, throwing the lemon on the floor, spitting and coughing. ‘What a horrible trick to play!’ she shouted. She ran to the sink and turned the tap on hard. She grabbed a glass, filled it with water and downed it in one go. ‘You let me believe the lemon was a sweet or a cake or . . .’ she gasped, wiping drips of water from her chin.

  ‘No, I didn’t,’ said Felix, feeling quite triumphant and calm now. ‘That is just what you thought because you watched me eat it.’

  ‘B-but how could you eat such a disgusting thing?’ Flo said.

  ‘I told you – African magic,’ he said, shrugging.

  Flo abruptly stopped her spitting and shouting and stared at Felix. ‘Hang on a minute,’ she said. ‘I don’t believe in magic. Show me how you did it.’

  ‘We-ell,’ said Felix, hesitating. ‘That depends.’ He was enjoying the relatively rare experience of being In Control while Flo was around.

  ‘On what?’ Flo spat the words out, but Felix saw a glitter of desperation entered her eyes.

  ‘On one condition,’ said Felix triumphantly.

  ‘Oh for goodness sake!’ cried Flo.

  Felix went on. ‘It depends on whether you will forget about asking me to steal monkeys ever again.’

  ‘Hmm,’ said Flo.

  ‘And on whether you want to go on being friends with the Pink Brigade instead of being friends with me,’ he added. (It was his turn to be On A Roll now, he thought.)

  ‘Fine, fine. Tell me,’ demanded Flo, with a toss of her head.

  So Felix dug down into his pockets and brought out a handful of small red berries. ‘These,’ he said, ‘are Miracle Berries. They are special berries I picked in Africa.’

  Flo blanched. ‘You must never eat berries that you have just found In The Wild!’ she gasped. ‘It’s super-dangerous. You might be poisoned!’

  Felix grinned. ‘It’s fine – Mum and Zed know all about this. I didn’t just find them by accident, our friend Bibi showed me where to pick them. They’re perfectly safe. And they are also magic! If you eat one, everything else that you eat for the rest of the day will taste sweet. Even something normally bitter and disgusting like a lemon or some vinegar.’

  ‘Yeah, right,’ said Flo. She forced herself to sound ever so slightly sarcastic (but Felix thought she actually looked a bit scared). ‘And I am the Queen.’

  Felix shrugged. ‘Suit yourself,’ he said. ‘You saw me eat a lemon, didn’t you?’

  Flo frowned. ‘That could just be that you happen to like eating lemons. You are mad enough.’

  Felix sighed. ‘Well, I was going to let you try. But if you’re too scared, of course . . .’

  Flo immediately blushed and said quickly, ‘No way! I am not a scaredy-cat, Felix. Give me a berry right this minute.’

  Felix held up one of the small red berries. Flo gulped. ‘It better not be poisonous, Felix,’ she said. ‘Or my dad will come round here and personally kill you, you know that?’

  Felix nodded. ‘I promise you that Bibi, Mum and Zed said these berries are safe.

  Now, when you have eaten the berry, you have to sip this,’ he said, handing her a bottle of vinegar.

  Flo’s eyes opened very, very wide, but she was determined not to back out now. ‘OK,’ she said.

  She chewed the berry carefully, her little button nose wrinkling. ‘Doesn’t taste of much – kind of tangy . . .’ Then she raised the bottle of vinegar to her lips, took a swift sip, swallowed and closed her eyes.

  A small, sly smile spread across her features as the vinegar was transformed into the most delicious drink she had ever had.

  ‘Felix,’ she said. ‘This is the best present in the world!’

  Felix beamed. ‘So we are still friends?’ he asked.

  Flo grinned. ‘You betcha!’ she said.

  ‘I am sorry about the baby monkey,’ Felix added sheepishly.

  Flo shook her head. Then she added, with a glint in her eye. ‘Who needs a baby monkey when they have a Foolproof Way of getting their own back on Millie-the-Pain Hampton and Sophie-the-Soppy-Idiot Disbry?’

  Felix snuggled into the corner of the sofa with a contented sigh.

  ‘OK, is everyone ready?’ Dad asked.

  Zed and Silver had come round, and so had Flo. They were going to watch the films that Felix had made on safari.

  Flo had been acting a little bit grumpy as she felt that Felix was Showing Off about his holiday when he had invited her round to see the film, but when Silver arrived with a mound of freshly baked brownies and a huge bowl of strawberries, she soon perked up.
<
br />   ‘Mind you, with those Miracle Berries I could have served you raw onions and limes and you would have tucked in!’ Silver joked.

  Dad connected the camera to the TV and set the film rolling.

  The scenes of the camp and all the animals Felix had seen had come out really well. Flo watched open-mouthed when the lionesses with their cubs came on to the screen.

  Then suddenly the film became wobblier and less focused.

  ‘This is the monkey part,’ Felix hissed. He was slightly disappointed that Mum had made him cut the section where she was getting dressed and Zed was in the shower. Then again, he had not wanted Flo to witness the scene of him on the loo either . . .

  Then there they were: the naughty monkeys, dressed head to toe in Mum and Zed’s clothes, jabbering at the camera, for all the world laughing and partying as if they were people.

  ‘Wow,’ Flo breathed. ‘They do look crazy.’

  Felix nodded. ‘So you see why I couldn’t bring you one home?’

  Flo pulled a face. ‘Not really,’ she said. ‘It would have been fun.’

  ‘NO, FLO!’ everyone chorused.

  ‘There is absolutely no way I am getting into any more monkey madness with you ever again,’ said Felix with feeling.

  ‘Okaaay,’ said Flo slowly. Then she turned to Felix with an extremely mischievous glint in her eye.

  Felix recognized that look. He shuddered as Flo leaned in and whispered, ‘I like the look of that banded mongoose in your film. I wonder where we can get one of those?’

  A MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR

  As soon as I arrived in Botswana I knew I had to write about the place. The colours, the smells, the sounds of the wildlife, the warmth of the people – it was magical.

  My family and I had decided to visit the country to go on a safari. While we were there we all wrote diaries and scribbled in sketch pads so that we would have a record of the wonderful experiences we shared. My diary developed into a list of ideas for the book that you have just read! I had already written Monkey Business, which was about how Felix and Flo wanted to have their own zoo and how they got into trouble when they went to visit a safari park in the UK.