Life Without You

by S. P. West

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  This book is a work of fiction.

  The names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or have been used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any reference to a music, T.V. or celebrity name, is just that, a reference they do not form part of the story. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademarked owners of various products referenced in this book, which have been used without permission. The use of these trademarks is not authorised, associated with or sponsored by the trademark owners.

  No part of this book may be re-produced, scanned, photocopied or distributed (electronically or otherwise) in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for brief quotes that are used in articles and reviews.

  I can call myself a pirate as I took part in a successful world record attempt for the most pirates in one place. I like being a pirate. What I don’t like is people illegally copying someone else’s hard work and uploading it and or plagiarising it because it’s unfair. Especially when you’ve spent four years putting your heart and soul into writing it.

  This is your only warning – If you upload this book illegally, I will find out who you are and I will shame you all over social media so there!

  Toodles x

  Editing by Honeysett’s: A Novel Service.

  Cover by Sprinkles on Top Studios.

  Formatted by A.M Creations.

  LIFE WITHOUT YOU

  Copyright ©2016 S.P. West

  All rights reserved.

  Once upon a time in a land not so far away, a man and a woman fell in love. They were very happy. Until one day they weren’t – their happily ever after disappeared.

  This is their story.

  Have you ever been in love?

  The kind of love that leaves you breathless and makes you feel like you can fly?

  I have…. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I let him become my everything; my sun, moon and stars but that wasn’t enough for him.

  What he did nearly destroyed me.

  My husband’s betrayal taught me the hard way that once trust is gone, it can never be regained. He won’t ever be part of my life again.

  If I could sum myself up in one word, just one, then personally I’d pick fool. Misguided, dumb fool.

  I made a mistake.

  A mistake so big that the future I had planned out with the love of my life vanished in the blink of an eye. I didn’t see it at the time. That would have been too easy, by the time I realized what I lost it was too late. It was my own fault; I can’t blame anyone else. Because of it I lost the one woman that meant everything to me.

  But I’m telling you now if fate ever gives me a second chance with her……I swear I’ll never let Summer slip away from me again.

  For man who leaves me naughty messages on the fridge every day and gave me our beautiful daughter. I love you even when you are being a grumpy wotsit.

  Mum, thank you for my love of romance novels and for being my mum

  (if you are reading this, I’ll explain what a cockwomble is to you one day.)

  PRESENT DAY

  San Francisco, USA

  ALEX

  “TELL ME AGAIN.”

  “Tell you what?”

  “You know what.”

  “You have a great ass?” I’m sure that I have a shit-eating grin plastered on my face. Judging by the way she lightly smacks my chest as she lifts her head off my shoulder, I would take that as a big fat yes.

  “Try again, boy wonder.” She’s straddling me now, her face lit up with a smile.

  “You have great tits,” I say lifting my head up to take one of her perfect pink nipples in my mouth and gently suck, before moving my head to make sure that the other one gets the same treatment. She lets out a moan then, arching her back in a move that goes straight down south making my dick harder than steel.

  “Nuh uh, try again.” She gasps as I rub myself back and forth between her wet folds, tempting her into another round of lovemaking.

  Our third this morning.

  “That I want to fuck you?” She looks at me then with a look that I can only describe as pure mischief. Her emerald eyes to my brown.

  “I kind of gathered that.” She laughs gently, “you’re insatiable.” before lowering herself onto me causing me to gasp.

  “Summer.” Her name uttered softly, almost like a prayer as she lifts herself up and down on my cock before I thrust my hips up to meet her movements. I watch her as she fucks me, letting her take control; her head is thrown back in ecstasy, eyes closed. Her long blonde hair is down; wild, untamed. She’s covered in a fine layer of sweat - low growls, gasps and moans are coming from her as our movements get faster and faster as we race towards a glorious climax. This isn’t the slow, sensual love making of earlier. This is raw, desperate and hungry.

  I need her.

  I need her like the air that I breathe.

  I still have to pinch myself that this beautiful woman is mine.

  Slamming my hips up to meet hers, frantic to find my release, I chant the words that she wants to hear. The ones that belong to her, that will only belong to her. No matter what happens or where life takes us.

  “I love you.”

  BEEP

  “I love you.”

  BEEP

  “I love you.”

  BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

  The sound of the alarm pulls me from my slumber. Reaching out, my hand gropes to try to hit the off-button in an effort to silence the violent sound that ripped me away from my dreams of her. I don’t need to look at the clock to know that it’s 5:30am and I need to get up and face the world. Five more minutes wouldn’t hurt. Yeah, right. Five more minutes turns into ten, then twenty, then an hour and before you know it, you’re late for work and the boss is having your ass. Luckily for me, my boss is a sixty-year-old- tough-as-nails-ex-marine who once saved my life and thinks of me as a son, so he wouldn’t mind. The unbidden thought of old Joe coming anywhere near my ass makes me shudder.

  Alex, Alex, Alex you have some sick thoughts buddy.

  Ah, fuck it. Five extra minutes won’t hurt before have to drag my ass out of bed and go on my run before work. Once again, I have Joe to thank for the daily run. What was it he said about it?

  “Running will help you focus, son. Give you a purpose and a goal to aim for, take your mind off that crap you’ve been pumping into that body of yours. Think while you run Al, think about what you truly want....”

  He didn’t appreciate my ‘wax on wax off, Mr. Miyagi’ comment after he had imparted that little gem. Joe had been right though. Getting up at the ass crack of dawn; pounding the streets as the rest of the city slept, with not another soul in sight. It helped me ‘see’ properly for the first time in months. Took the blinders off from the shit storm that had been my life over the past few years, allowed me to be introspective. It was on these runs that I realized what a bastard I’d been to everyone. Christ, I hated who and what I’d become. I’d pushed away
my friends, my family and worst of all I’d pushed away Summer, my wife....my ex-wife now. I still can’t forgive myself for what I did to her, to us. I didn’t so much push her away more like destroyed her and her faith in anyone. I let her down, I hurt her and for that, I’ll be eternally sorry.

  I can’t think of her, not today of all days. I’ll lose my man-card if I do. I’ll become one pathetic asshat bitching about my lost love. I get enough shit from the people at the garage as it is over my moping, and the fact that I don’t date because I'm hung-up over a woman. One night stands? Yeah, I'll admit I’ve had a few of those. Hey, I’m a normal single guy; not a monk, and I need sex. End of story. It doesn’t mean anything, just a pleasant way to pass the time. Harsh, I know, but true and even then, I have rules. I even pinned them up on the refrigerator to remind me.

  Alex’s sex rules.

  Number One: Always use protection.

  I’ve only ever wanted little Alex Juniors with one woman and one woman only. I don’t want kids with anyone else, that, and I don’t want to catch anything.

  Number Two: They can’t be blonde.

  Why? It’s too much of a painful reminder.

  Number Three: Don’t fuck anyone from work.

  Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Not worth it - it fucked up my marriage. That and the fact that I work with all guys now and yeah...not going there. Unless he was insanely hot, I have standards. Just kidding. I couldn’t care less what you do in the bedroom and who you do it with. For me, though, guy on guy is not going to happen.

  Number Four: If you’re going to screw her DON'T get attached, keep it to one night only.

  Being an asshole I leave before they wake up...I don’t do that awkward morning after stuff. I’ve been in love, I broke her heart and when the fog had cleared? I realized that I’d broken mine as well. I can’t do that to anyone else, it’s not fair.

  What people (and by people I mean friends, family, work colleagues - anyone who pokes their nose in my damn business) don’t seem to understand is that once you’ve fallen in love, your heart has a hard time letting that love go. Well, mine does anyway. I’d like to say that I’m over Summer, but truthfully? I’m not, not by a long shot. I track her on social media, not in an ‘I’m stalking you’ way. I just try to get a glimpse of her life now. I just want to see that she’s okay. That she’s happy... It kills me to see her pictured with other guys, kissing other guys, having fun with other guys. Every time I wonder if he’s ‘The One’. The one to mend her heart, to give her babies, to love her to the moon and back. All things that I failed to do.

  When she meets ‘The One’... when she finds him, when I see a picture of a baby growing in her belly. When that day happens, I hope that I’ll be happy for her and that it won’t shatter my already broken heart. My heart beats faster just thinking about it and I can feel the tears start to form in my eyes. Fuck, there goes my man card.

  I really need to get up and go out on my run, shift this shitty mood.

  Rolling out of bed, I hunt around for my sweats, tee shirt and a hoodie; pulling them on and heading out the door. Taking the stairs two at a time instead of the elevator, I jog through the double doors that make up the entrance to my building and shove my headphones in my ears; scrolling iTunes until I find what I’m looking for.

  The opening chords of Oasis’s Some Might Say fill my ears as I set off down the steps of my apartment building and head out towards the park.

  The morning air is crisp on this fall day as I start to pound the city pavement. No one is around, I’m all alone. I like it like this. It gives me a chance to centre myself, to centre my thoughts. I try to get that dream I had out of my head, otherwise I’ll be walking round with a raging boner all day.

  Just as I start to push myself to run faster, I spy some random chick obviously doing the walk of shame as I pass through the entrance to Golden Gate Park. I have to stifle back a grin, but I let her know that I’ve seen her by shouting out “Good night?” She looks up at me with a sheepish look and a slight smile on her face before blushing and returning her gaze to the ground.

  Shaking my head, I amp up my speed again.

  I want to feel the burn, that pain where my legs ache and my lungs feel like they will burst. I need to get any thoughts of Summer out of my head. It’s been three years today since the divorce was finalized. She’s moved on and I’ll just have to do the same. I fucked up my life and have only myself to blame. With that thought, I break out into a sprint. The green of the trees pass by in a blur and I push myself harder and harder. I’m barely taking in any of my surroundings as I try to maintain the brutal punishment on my body.

  'Suicide Note Part Two' by Pantera blasts in my ears, the frenetic energy forcing me on. If I don’t die from pushing myself too hard by the end of this run, then my hearing will likely be shot to shit. Phil Anselmo’s screams of rage are suddenly cut off by an incoming call, forcing me to stop so I can try and regain at least a little bit of my breath and not sound like a heavy breathing pervert to the person on the other end of the phone.

  “Thorson.” I pant not looking at the screen, there is a long pause before the caller speaks.

  “You sound all hot and sweaty,” a deep, familiar voice states huskily. “Tell me what you're wearing. Is it red panties? Please say they are red. You look so sexy in red!”

  “Fuck you Becks. You’ve got to get over this red obsession, man.” My answer makes him laugh.

  “Get over it? Never, I’m jealous because you can pull it off, my friend. You just don’t understand, you never will....” My best friend since kindergarten answers with an overly dramatic sigh.

  “Not my fault it clashes with your hair.”

  “Seriously dude? Are you being red-headerist?”

  “For one, what the hell is red-headerist? It’s merely a statement of fact about your hair color, and two....”

  “Raci....” He tries to cut me off.

  “And two,” I raise my voice slightly to speak over his interruption, “is red-headerist even a word?”

  “We’re a picked on minority, man. Don’t even go there.” The tone of his voice is deadly serious, so serious that I can’t help it and start to laugh. Knowing William ‘Becks’ Becker as long as I have, I know full well when he’s yanking my chain and this is one of those occasions.

  “Godammit Alex, I’m being serious.” This only makes me laugh harder. “One day redheads will rise up and then you will be sorry.”

  “I’m so scared dude,” I manage to say in between wheezes, “so fucking scared.” Which for some reason sends me back in to more spasms of laughter before Becks, after a few expletives on his end, finally gives up the pretence and laughs with me.

  It feels good to laugh.

  “Fucker.” He says, as we finally begin to calm down.

  “Hey, you’re the one that called me!” I laugh, parking my ass down on the nearest bench that overlooks the pathway. “To what do I owe this pleasure anyway and why the fuck are you calling me so early?”

  “Just got off my shift and thought I’d call you on the way home. Lyssa told me to ask you if you wanted to have dinner at our place tonight?” I could hear the warmth in his voice at the mention of his beautiful wife Alyssa.

  I’ve told Becks that he is punching well over his weight with her, but they’re happy. In fact, it was Summer who introduced them to each other as she and Lyssa were working together at the time. There was a time after the divorce that Lyssa hated my guts; very gradually she forgave me. Three years later, she’s eight months pregnant with their first child and cranky as hell. If I want to keep my balls, then I will be going to their place for dinner tonight.

  “You sure?”

  “Do you want to tell my hormonal wife no?” He chuckles in response.

  “Nah, I really like my life.”

  “Good.” I can’t see him yet I know that he is grinning at the phone. “Also, my brother got some sweet ass tickets to the 49ers in a few weeks. You in?”


  “Who are they playing?”

  “Seahawks, I think.” There is a pause before he continues. This time the seriousness of his voice is genuine, “you okay Alex? I know what today is.”

  “Is that the real reason for calling me at too-fucking-early o’clock in the morning?” I sigh.

  “We’re worried about you.” I notice that he doesn’t give me a direct answer, but I know that he loves me like a brother and he wouldn’t be saying this unless he meant it. “I know that today is hard for you.”

  “Look, I’m okay. I’m not going to relapse.”

  “Promise me you won’t Alex. I can’t watch you do that shit again. It would break my heart.”

  All of a sudden I’m reminded of that night just a few years ago, when I did something really fucking stupid. I don’t remember much, apart from the look of hurt and disgust on Beck’s face.

  The worst part was realizing that the one person I wanted, no needed, with me; the one person who could make it all better wasn’t there because I had pushed her away. I thought for a moment after waking up from the ‘incident’ that I’d had a nightmare. That the past year had been a dream, unfortunately I was wrong.

  It wasn’t enough to stop me though. That came a few months later. One thing I did learn during the whole sorry mess was that I never wanted to put the people I care about through crap like that again.