Life Without You

by S. P. West

  What Lyssa had thought when a crying, snot-nosed, crazy-haired monstrosity answered the door to her, I would never know. I took one look at her shocked face before I flung myself into her arms and sobbing hysterically. Unable to even speak for the next five minutes as she guided me, gently, my couch and sat me down.

  “Hey, hey.” She rubbed my back soothingly, “Summer, babe, what’s wrong?”

  “He’s...he’s........oh god,” I managed before the tears returned. I couldn’t even breathe.

  “Is it Alex?”

  I could only nod - no words would come.

  “What has he done to you? Has he hit you?” I shook my head, no. “Has he hurt you?” I nodded again and cried harder. She held me in her arms and rocked me back and forth, stroking my head in an effort to sooth me. It took a while for me to down calm down enough to speak. I shook from head to foot as I told Lyssa everything that had happened, all about our telephone conversation and every suspicion that I had. When I finished she asked me if Alex was coming home tonight. When I said no she told me that I couldn’t stay here alone and disappeared off into my bedroom to pack me a bag. The next thing I knew I was bundled out of the door and into her car.

  Which is how I found myself sitting on Del’s couch watching my three best friends argue about the best way to proceed. Lyssa had called Del from my bedroom to tell her what had happened. Del had insisted that Lyssa bring me to her apartment as, and I quote, “That if that asshat wants to find her he won’t find her here.”

  With all that’s happened today, I can’t help thinking if I ever knew my husband at all.

  I sit and stare straight ahead as Lyssa holds my hands in hers. My cell is in my other hand and I keep compulsively looking at the screen to see if Alex has called or sent me a message.

  There’s nothing.

  I wonder what he is up to. Has he gone home? Is he staying with Ben or someone else? Since our conversation earlier, all sorts of scenarios have been swirling round my head causing me to feel like I have been punched in the gut repeatedly. There’s Alex snorting Coke off a woman’s body, there’s Alex kissing someone else. The worst one is of Alex naked in bed with woman whose face I can’t see. They’re laughing and giggling; he’s calling her baby and telling her he loves her. Each thought makes me gag.

  What am I going to do? Maybe Alex will sleep on it and reconsider, tell me he was being stupid, that he didn’t mean it. He’ll need help to deal with the drugs though. Maybe I should call a counsellor to ask their advice; maybe I should book us an appointment together.

  What If there is another woman? Should I leave him? Do I give him another chance? I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

  Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

  “I say divorce the little shit.” Violet’s tinny voice brings me back to reality. “It’s so obvious. He’s cheating on her.”

  “We don’t know that,” says Aylssa

  “He’s lied to her and he’s a coke head.” An indignant Violet rants.

  “Wait and see what he says first, there’s no proof he’s cheating.” Lyssa, always the voice of reason chimes in.

  “Hello, the flowers.”

  “Not proof of anything.”

  “He admitted it.” Violet chimes in.

  “No, he didn’t say anything either way. That’s not proving anything.”

  “Why are you defending him Alyssa?” Demands Del.

  “I’m not defending him. I’m just saying we have nothing to prove that he’s cheating on Summer. That’s he’s been take drugs? Yes, we have firsthand evidence but seeing another woman? There’s nothing to say he is apart from circumstantial stuff.”

  “We have to find a way to catch him out” Says Del.

  “How do we do that?”

  “We can put software on his cell to track his calls and texts. We can even get his messages redirected to Summer’s cell so she can see what he’s sending people. Also if we can find out his email password we can hack his account and,” she continues, warming to her subject, “we can follow him and take pictures.”

  “Like a P.I in the movies?” Violet asks, “Why not just hire one? You do have them over there?”

  “Of course we do, but they cost money.” Del answers snarkily. “We can do just a good a job at a fraction of the cost.”

  “Isn’t that called stalking?” Violet says before Alyssa interrupts her with “Who’s this ‘we’?”

  Before all three of them start into bickering again.

  Too many voices, too many people trying to make decisions over what I should do with my marriage. All these questions going round in my head. I’ve had enough.

  “Shut up! Shut up all of you!” I yell, causing all of them to stop speaking. “Nothing will be done until I speak to Alex tomorrow, please stop treating this like a game.”

  “Sum, we’re not...” Del says softly.

  “It feels like you are.”

  “I promise you we’re not sweetie. We want what’s best for you.”

  “This is not a game; this is my life.” I say to no one in particular, completely ignoring Del. I look up into the concerned eyes of my friends and that is my undoing. My last reserve of strength snaps and break down into floods of tears once more. “Oh god, oh god, oh god.” I can’t believe that in less than 24 hours my entire world has come crashing down.

  My once kind, loving husband has threatened to leave me, is possibly cheating on me and looks like he has drug problem. Could it possibly get any worse?

  ALEX

  “SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!” I curse into the darkness of the empty back room of the bar. I’ve been frozen to the spot since I ended my call to Summer a few minutes ago.

  She knows, she fucking knows.

  The only things I’ve been able to do is to stare at my cell as the light slowly dims on the screen - with it the picture I took of Rach and me cuddled up in bed after we’d spent the evening banging a few weeks ago. Our hair is all messed up and we have that after-sex glow. Yep, I’m such a screwed-up bastard I set it on my home screen even though my wife could find it at any time.

  I’m an asshole, no two ways about it - a lying, cheating asshole.

  What I should be doing is calling Summer straight back, apologizing and pleading forgiveness; I should be getting my ass in gear and heading home to talk to her but I’m not going to do any of that. I just don’t give a crap anymore and maybe, just maybe, I wanna get caught. Let’s face it, it’s probably for the best - I was thinking about leaving her anyway. Better get it over with now than string it out for a few more months. Hell, I’ll tell her I’m leaving tomorrow, pack my shit and head over to Rach, bang her mercilessly then see a divorce attorney next week.

  I’ve been enough of a dick to Summer that she’ll be glad to see me gone.

  So instead of heading home, I lock the screen and head through a network of corridors that lead from the private offices back out into the bar area. Nodding my thanks to the bartender for letting me use the room for some privacy. Loud music fills the air as I try to push past the heaving mass of bodies of the Friday night crowd on my way back to our table. The line of coke I did before Summer called me is beginning to wear off and I’m getting desperate to take another hit before me and Rach head to hers and I can start pounding into her pussy. Just thinking about it gives me a raging boner. Hell, I’ll just drag her into the restroom and do her over the sink, but there’s too many fucking douchebags in the way and it’s taking forever.

  Everywhere I look there are people; ugly, sweaty, self-important asshats who are just stood with drinks in their hands pretending to laugh at what some dick called Brad or Mike says. When an opening does come, it leads directly to the patio outside. Some fresh air would do me go and clear my head of the crap that talking to my wife brings, so I head out in to the night. It’s not so busy out here, groups of men and women are dotted about the ten or so tables. All of the grateful to finally be free from the constraints of adult life. I take myself to the darkest
corner, rest my back against the wall, and watch them. All living miserable lives, completely oblivious to what they truly want. They just keep trudging in the same path of drudgery as the world turns and turns until one day they die.

  I don’t want to be like that anymore. I’m tired of living a lie; I’m tired of sneaking around, of hiding. Of fucking my girlfriend in some cheap hotel room two blocks away from work on my lunch break because we can’t spend the night together.

  I want to feel alive for once instead of trying to conform to everyone else's high expectations.

  All through college I kept my head down, studied hard and barely even partied. When I met Sum, I became part of a cozy twosome. My wife prefers nights in with a movie. She’d never do a bump, she barely drinks for Christ’s sake and as for sex...even that is boring. There’s no passion between us anymore; basically, I’m just doing my husbandly duty by servicing her needs. And I can forget about asking Summer to try anything new. Anal? Forget it. Threesome? No way. She hates talking dirty, says that she sounds like a fool.

  What we do together is mediocre at best. Blowjob? I have more chance of finding Bigfoot than I do of getting a decent cock suck from my wife. I can’t remember the last time I took her hard and fast or the last time we made love. It was before Rachel and I started fooling around. No, what I do is stick my dick in her pussy, I thrust a few times, I cum, roll over and go to sleep. Then I feel guilty for cheating on Rach.

  Seems I’m a hypocrite as well.

  I’ve always felt like I was missing out somehow, so I decided to do something about it. Sadly, for my wife, my plans didn’t include her. It’s not that I don’t love Summer, I do. It’s just that I....I don’t think I’m in love with her anymore. I hate to say it but she bores me, we have nothing in common. Truthfully, I don’t think we ever did in the first place. When I asked her to marry me I honestly believe that I thought I was head over heels in love at the time. Who wouldn’t love a stunningly beautiful, intelligent, English girl, who made me laugh and put me on a pedestal? A girl who, on a first date, was completely mortified when she snorted milkshake out of her nose as she was laughing so much. The memory still makes me smile to this day.

  After everything that has happened over the last few months, I wonder if I made a mistake in getting married; whether I panicked at the thought of her returning to England. Summer should just have been a college fling. You know, two people meet up have fun and go our separate ways. Then I’d continue to fuck my way through as much pussy as a can until my dick falls off. It fucking sucks that I met such a hot piece of ass like Rachel after I got married.

  If somebody had asked me before all this crap started if I loved my wife, I wouldn’t have hesitated to tell them yeah or that I loved her with all my heart. It was only after Rachel and I started getting closer; when our professional relationship became a friendship that I began to question my feelings for Summer.

  It’s not as though I woke up one day and wham! - suddenly everything had changed for me, or that I was in love with another woman. No. That took me a while to acknowledge; it happened gradually. I do feel little guilty about it, I defy anyone not to. When you’re in a shitty marriage what are you supposed to do? All I want is to be happy.

  Rachel, unlike Summer, gets me. She understands the shit I go through with my job and she knows how to help me unwind. I don’t want to snuggle up to watch a movie. I want to party and get as out of my fucking mind as possible. Rachel doesn’t turn her nose up at drugs; she’s the person hooks me up when I need a little something.

  Right now, that’s more or less every single day.

  What I don’t want is for Rach to be blamed, it’s not her fault I’m a dick. If I loved my wife enough then I wouldn’t be screwing another woman behind her back, it’s that simple.

  It’s not as though I set out to start to cheat on Summer. The thing between Rachel and me, just happened. I can’t say that I wasn’t attracted to her when I first met her; no normal hot-blooded male wouldn’t be. Not with legs a mile long, a smoking hot body, her short brown hair frames her beautiful face and makes her deep brown eyes stand out. I guarantee you that there’s not one guy in the whole office who wouldn’t want to stick their dick in her, making her scream seven ways from Sunday. They all can go to hell because I’m the guy doing her.

  I never set out to hurt or deceive my wife. What developed between us, developed gradually. Before we started bumping uglies, Rachel and I were strictly co-workers. It probably would have stayed like that if Summer hadn’t started pressuring me to start a family. She’d want to talk about it every friggin’ day when all I wanted to do was sit back, relax or watch the game. So I began spending more time at work to try and avoid the baby conversation. I don’t even want kids, never have, she just won’t listen. It’s all about her wants, her needs. Not what I want.

  It’s like Sum didn’t see me anymore, to her I’m just a sperm donor nothing else. She’s so blind to everything unless it’s baby related. I got a job promotion - did she tell me she was proud of me? No, she said well done and went out to yoga. I’ve even gone on vacation with Rach for a week and still Summer didn’t even question me about it. Sure, she was pissed as I told her I’d sold the tickets but she would only have used it as an excuse to pressure me into making Alex Jr. I kinda felt bad for that one. I told her that I had a conference, changed the tickets that she booked for us to Maui and took the delectable Miss. Slaine instead. Summer and I had a fight about it beforehand, in truth I don’t think that she cared, not really. Summer can’t get her head out of her ass long enough to even see how unhappy I’ve been. I hate my job, seriously hate it. Can my wife see that? The person who is supposed to love me and know me best. No, Summer’s head is stuck so far up her ass that she doesn’t give a shit what I do. She might be upset for a while; she’ll get over it. I’ll be doing her a favor.

  Rachel, now she gets me. She understands. That hot piece of ass doesn’t want kids, she wants a career and that suits me just fine. Rachel cares about me, that’s how this whole thing with her started. She’d asked if I was OK one lunch time and I just unloaded on her all of my home crap. It was such a relief to just talk to someone who didn’t want anything from me. Soon we started meeting up every lunchtime, we exchanged messages and we started to hang out after work. She told me about her last boyfriend and how they broke up, I told her about all the crap I was going through with Sum. Sure, I felt guilty even though we were doing nothing wrong. Okay, I did notice she was flirting with me, a lot. I tried to ignore it until I couldn’t anymore and started flirting back.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about her; she was on my mind 24/7. I’d even started having some pretty hot dreams about Rach, leaving me horny as hell. Rachel featured in quite a few of my spank bank fantasies. Yet, not once did we cross the line.

  We continued on like this for a couple months, going out after work as friends; drinking, flirting, doing drugs of some kind. Having all the fun that I’d been missing out on. Or we’d have lunch together, taking walks round the block just connecting with each other in a way that I’ve never done with anyone else. It wasn’t too long until we started holding hands. Friends hold hands all the time. Then there’d be innocent kisses to the cheek, to the forehead and the gentle touches any chance we could. I wanted Rach so badly but she always held back. Until one day she invited me to go for a run with her, Summer was working so I said sure. We met out at the Land’s End Trail and began our run, soon finding ourselves alone on the long winding path overlooking the waves crashing against the cliffs. I can’t remember which one of us suggested that we take a break. I do remember sitting down on the grassy verge overlooking the Golden Gate bridge and thinking at that moment how happy I was for the first time in what seemed like forever.

  I can still see the smile on Rachel's face as I put my arm around her and pulled her towards me. The smile that only grew bigger as I leant down and kissed her properly for the first time. This time she didn’t hold back, pulling me on top
of her has our tongues met. The elation I felt as she returned my kiss was indescribable. We stayed there for what could have been hours, what could have been days, just exploring each other with touch. It was the most incredible, sensual thing I’ve ever done. I knew that what I felt for her was not lust; it was something else. Something that I couldn’t name.

  If we hadn’t been at risk of other people coming along the path, I would have taken her then and there. As it was, we decided to go somewhere private and headed back to our cars hand in hand, stopping every now and then to kiss or just hold each other.

  The drive over to Rachel’s apartment was a blur. I’d stopped off on the way to get some beer and condoms. When I got there and knocked on her apartment door, I could only just walk as I was so hard. Rachel had changed by the time I’d arrived and opened the door in the sexiest black bra and panties set I’d ever seen. We barely shut the door behind us before I dropped the beer and had pushed her up against the wall, my mouth on hers. The desperation of our kisses spurred me on and I slipped my hand into her panties, pushing apart her moist pussy lips and stroked her as she mewled in pleasure. Rachel undid my pants and pulled my hard length free as I ripped open the foil packet that I’d put in my back pocket just before I got out of my car. Before I could thrust into her, she dropped to her knees and took me into her mouth. I nearly came on the spot as my dick hit the back of her throat and fisted my hands in her hair as sucked and licked me before releasing me with a pop. She then took the condom from my hand and rolled it over onto my cock as I then pulled her up, pushed her panties aside and entered her soaking wet pussy.

  I took her hard and fast against the wall as she gasped and moaned against me until we both screamed out in the most beautiful oblivion. I could only stare into her eyes as we calmed down from our intense love making, before leaning forward and placing a gentle kiss on her lips. It was then, at that moment when all I could feel was bliss, I told her that I loved for the first time. Rachel didn’t say anything, instead she took me by the hand and led me to her bedroom before kissing me and kicking the door shut.