Life Without You

by S. P. West

  “Why?”

  “He said he doesn’t love me anymore,” I manage to say as the pain of being abandoned by the man I loved once again rips through me and my face crumples.

  “Oh Summer.” She breaths out, the anger leaving her voice. “Did he give you any other reasons?”

  “No.”

  “None at all?”

  “Only that his feelings had changed, that he’s sorry.” I hesitate before continuing. “He left me a letter basically saying that he wants to separate and that he would be contacting an attorney. He even left his wedding ring.”

  “Alex left you a note? Didn’t he tell you in person?”

  “Yes…no… I was waiting for him. We’d argued yesterday over flowers.” I sniff. “He came home after spending the night who-knows-where, came in and started packing his clothes. He wouldn’t give me a straight answer.” I pause having to wipe tears from my eyes, “after he left I found the envelope.”

  “All this over flowers?”

  I look into at her confused face and sigh, “Alex bought some flowers and lied to me about who he gave them to.”

  “So he’s screwing someone else?”

  “He says he’s not.”

  “He’s a lying bastard then Summer!” Violet spits out. “That motherfucker! Please tell me you don’t believe him?”

  I shrug and look at my hands twisting a piece of tissue that I don’t remember having in my lap.

  “Summer.” She pleads.

  “That’s not the worst of it.” I carry on; ignoring the little voice that tells me that Violet is probably right to question Alex’s fidelity.

  “Your husband leaving you because he’s having an affair is not bad enough?”

  “There is no evidence that he is!”

  “Bollocks, there’s not!” She states raising her eyebrows. Have you checked his email?”

  “He’s changed his password.”

  “Phone?”

  “He’s changed the passcode.”

  “Facebook?”

  “He’s blocked me.”

  Her mouth drops open and she slumps back in her chair melodramatically before she seems to gather her wits about her, “fucking hell, Sum!” She says as she starts typing something on her keyboard. “He hasn’t blocked me.” Violet smiles in triumph. If I give you my password, you can check what the dickhead is up to.”

  “Vi…” I start to protest; in truth I’m scared about what I’ll find.

  “It’s MagicalTrug456 and you can thank me later.”

  “Vi…”

  “He’s blocked you for a reason, baby cakes. It might bring up something, it might not, at least you’ll get peace of mind.”

  “Vi.”

  “Then tomorrow you need to see a solicitor, see where you stand.”

  “Attorney.” I correct on autopilot.

  “Attorney.” She says distractedly as she continues to type on her keyboard. “Right we need to arrange a sol.--attorney. You could think about a private investigator. That would dig up any shit he’s hiding.”

  “Vi, I have to tell you something.”

  “There are hundreds in San Francisco babe. I’ll email a few for you. What about your flat? What’s happening with that?”

  “Alex wants to give up the lease. Look I really have to tell you…” Whatever she is doing is abandoned and she up at me in astonishment.

  “He wants get rid of the flat? Already? He only left you a few hours ago!” Violet screeches from over 5000 miles away, causing me to wince, “Oh. My. GOD Summer! Where is that twat now? I bet you anything that he’s with his cumdumpster -bitch-whore, and--” She rants holding up her hand to the screen to stop me from interrupting, “--before you give me some bullshit about him telling you he’s not cheating, he is. Call it my Spidey sense or whatever, he is cheating on you Summer. I don’t care what you say.” My shoulders sag in defeat as her words sink in.

  I want to deny it, to tell her to shut her big fat mouth, that Alex wouldn’t do that to me. How can I when I’ve been having the exact same thoughts as her? I place my head in my hands and start to cry again.

  “Oh god, Vi! What am I going to do? He’s left me! He’s left me!” I wail while rocking back and forth in an effort to bring myself a small bit of comfort. “I feel so alone, Violet. I just want someone to hold and me tell you that’s going to be okay.” I look up to see that Violet is wiping tears from her eyes.

  “I’m here for you, sweet pea.”

  “YOU’RE NOT, ARE YOU!” Finally giving the anger and rage I’d been feeling an outlet as I yell. “You and the rest of my family are thousands of bloody miles away. I’m alone in a foreign country and my heart is broken. No, not broken, fucking shattered - my heart is shattered. Everything is gone, everything! We had our problems but I love him Violet... loved him. I was happy. Now it’s all gone, my husband, my home. Everything. I want to die.” I sob, “I just want to die.”

  “Don’t! Don’t you dare say that Summer, don’t you DARE.”

  Deciding to ignore her angry interjection, I continue with my one-woman pity party, “And you know what else? Vi? Do you want to know what the best bit of this whole shitty situation is?” I say more to myself than anything. “I’m pregnant.”

  Violet gasps, otherwise remaining silent. “I find out I’m pregnant and my husband walks out on me.”

  We sit in silence for a few minutes; I can see that Violet is trying to get her head around all that I’ve told her.

  My tears have dried; instead I stare angrily at her willing her to talk until I cannot stand the silence any longer. “Say something!”

  “How long have you known?” She finally asks.

  “A couple of days.”

  “Have you seen a doctor?”

  “Not yet.” I snap in annoyance, not wanting to be interrogated right at that moment.

  “Does Alex know?”

  “No,” I sigh with frustration, my anger dissipates slightly “He didn’t give me the chance to tell him.”

  Violet nods and worries her lip, “Are you going to tell him?”

  Now there is a question.

  “I don’t want to. Part of me thinks that he doesn’t deserve to know, that he’ll think it’s a ploy to get him to come home.”

  “But?” She queries, proving she knows me too well.

  “He’s the baby’s father. It’s not fair to keep it from him.” I give my best friend a half-hearted attempt at a smile. Not wanting to say anything else in case I burst in to tears yet again.

  “Oh Sum.” She breathes out softly. “I’m so sorry.”

  “I can’t do this alone Violet.”

  She leans forward and touches the screen, “I promise you that whatever happens, you won’t be on your own.”

  SUMMER

  A WEEK LATER and I find myself stood outside of Alex’s office building clutching an envelope containing the small, fuzzy black and white image of what has become my sole source of light in a very dark tunnel.

  My pregnancy had been officially confirmed that very morning by my OB/GYN. With Violet holding my hand and sharing my tears of joy instead of my M.I.A. husband.

  I still couldn’t believe that Violet was here, that she’d flown thousands of miles just to give me support when I need it the most. I dread to think of how much it cost her; she still refuses to tell me. Saying that it’s what friends are for.

  After our Skype call last week, Violet had jumped on the first flight out of Gatwick that she could get a ticket for. She hadn’t told anyone what she was doing or where she was going, she had just dropped everything and come to my aide.

  I’d been on the telephone to my brother Seth at the time. He’d rung me not twenty minutes after I’d ended a call to my parents where I’d told them that Alex and I had split, to see how I was. Bad news travels fast apparently. Just as he was repeating his threat to fly over and, I quote, “kill the bastard” for the fifth time, I’d heard a knock on my door.

  I’d answered it, with Seth c
ontinuing his rant on the other end of the line, half hoping that it was Alex on his knees begging me for forgiveness; telling me that he’d made a mistake, that he’d changed his mind. Instead, it had been a shock to open the apartment door and find Violet standing there with her oversized suitcase, looking like she was on the verge of collapsing with exhaustion.

  I’d abruptly hung up on Seth, dropped the phone, flew in to the arms of my best friend and sobbed my heart out. She has not left my side since.

  I honestly don’t think I would have coped this last week without her.

  She’s become my bodyguard, PA, Chef, housekeeper and personal cheerleader. So total has been my emotional collapse since Alex left me, that I’ve barely been able to function. Instead, I’ve chosen to lay in my bed festering with the duvet over my head, trying to shut out the rest of the world wondering what the hell happened to us. Nighttime is the worst, questions rage through my mind,

  Why? Is there someone else? Does he love me anymore?

  Until Violet arrived I’d hardly eaten, I’d hardly slept nor had I bothered to shower. I just couldn’t see the point.

  When Violet had entered the apartment after I’d eventually let go of her; she’d taken one look at me and the disgusting state of the living room, had promptly dropped her suitcase and ordered me into the shower cubicle. She made sure that I stepped under the blissfully warm water and had everything I needed before disappearing. I’m not sure how long I was in there but by the time I stepped out of it I’d found fresh, clean clothes waiting for me.

  After dressing, I’d headed out the bedroom to find Violet. As soon as I stepped into the living room I see that Violet had been busy cleaning up the destruction I’d left behind. Gone were the overturned chairs, slashed pillows and the shards of glass from the vase that I had thrown across the room in a fit of temper after I had finished speaking to her the other night. No more empty mugs, glasses or chip packets strewn about the room. The pieces of photographs that I had taken from our wedding album and ripped into shreds were piled neatly on the coffee table.

  She’d come out of the kitchen with a tray laden with cups of tea and food, placed it on top of the remnants of what had been the happiest day of my life and told me to sit and eat while she watched me; making sure that I ate everything before she ate hers. After that there was no more wallowing in a pool of my own self-pity. In fact, Vi morphed into the evil twin of Mary Poppins; dragging me from my bed each morning forcing me to shower and even to brush my teeth.

  One of the first things she did was to book me an appointment to see the OB/GYN. The next call she made was to an attorney on my behalf; she’s also looked at apartments for me to rent despite me telling her that in all likelihood I’d be coming home with her when she flew back to England. That earned me a look of disbelief and raised eyebrow at the time.

  Again and again she’s reminded me why she is my best friend and I fear that I will never be able to repay her for everything that she’s done. I hope that Vi knows that I am and always will be eternally grateful to her.

  For the remainder of the past week Violet has spent her time fielding phone calls, texts and emails from concerned family and friends. She also spoke with Sergei and Dax at length, explaining my situation to them. They both understood, thank God. Dax has even given me two weeks off paid, on top of my normal vacation time, while I try to sort out the mess that my life has become.

  If I’ve learnt one thing over the past week, it’s who my true friends are.

  Del and Lyssa have joined forces with Violet and have formed Team Ratchet – an unstoppable organization of evil who take it in turns to watch over my every move, as if I would do anything stupid. I know that they are all worried that I’m slipping into some form of depression and that I may need help. I keep telling that that having them here, supporting me is all I need but sadly, I think they’re right.

  However, saying that, it’s been great having them around each evening. We talk about everything, nothing is off limits and slowly I’ve found that I’m laughing more than crying. I really appreciate that the three of them have taken time out of their lives just to sit and hold my hand while talk, rant, rave or scream about Alex and what he’s done. It’s knocked me for six and I just can’t seem to pull myself out of the dark hole that his leaving me has left me in.

  Del suggested that I talk to her mum, Fiona, a qualified therapist about how I am feeling. She admitted one night that she went into therapy after her split from Zara, adding that it had really helped her. I’ve said I’d think about it for the time being, to be honest I’m not sure it will be of any help. Unless he has a change of heart, it’s not going to bring him back is it? I can’t believe that he’s going to suddenly come bursting through the door get down on his knees and beg me for another chance, as much as I want him to. There was just something so final about the way he left. It’s playing on a loop in my mind. I torment myself as I replay our last moments together. Quite simply, Alex has made up his mind – we are over; a truth evidenced by the fact that the one person who hasn’t tried to contact me in any way, shape or form is the architect of all this, my husband.

  I’ve received nothing from him. No calls, emails, texts. Nothing to ask how I am, who I’m with or if I’m okay. The fact that we’ve been together for so long now accounts for nothing apparently. So it would seem that my husband couldn’t give a shit where I’m concerned and that hurts more than I can say. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve sent him a quite a few messages, begging him to come home.

  As much as I am hurt and angry and as bad as he has treated me over the last few months, I do still love him and I want to make our marriage work, to fix whatever has been broken. If he won’t speak to me, if he won’t tell me how to make it right then what can I do?

  It also looks as though I’m not the only one Alex has cut-off. Lyssa told me that Becks hasn’t heard from him in the last few days either, not from lack of trying. She admitted to me last night as we sat on my bed waiting for Del and Vi to come back from a late night market run that Becks was deeply hurt and disgusted over the way Alex has treated me in the past few months. She’d surprised me as she started to weep over the pain that Alex had caused both her husband and me, which of course set me off as well.

  It was quite a cathartic feeling to cry with someone instead of sobbing on them. To know people cared, that they hurt too and that they weren’t just feeling sorry for me. That I wasn’t just some sad, pathetic woman whose husband had left her and couldn’t pull herself together. Alex’s actions upset the people who loved him. The way he’s acted is not like him at all. Why has he turned his back on everyone?

  Lyssa had seemed so sad as she told me about how Becks had tried talking to Alex about his attitude towards me over the past few months but Alex refused to listen whenever anything was mentioned. It struck me, as we talked, that I’m not the only one heartbroken over the change in my husband. I’d been too wrapped up in my own pain to notice that I wasn’t the only one he has rejected.

  I’d selfishly thought that because of how close Becks and Alex are that both Becks and Lyssa would have kept their distance from me. When I mentioned this to Lyssa last night, she’d tilted her head to the side, seemingly contemplating me for a moment before bursting into laughter. Tears of sadness turned into tears of derision as she told me that she was my friend first and that Alex can go fuck himself with a giant dildo. A sentiment heartily agreed by Vi and Del as they returned from their adventures at the market bearing a tray of mojitos, lemonade, chips and a Sweet Home Alabama on DVD.

  Becks, bless him, called my cell this morning to do his daily check in. He apologized for not coming to see me in the last few days. Making me laugh when he admitted that Violet and Del scared the hell out of him and that with Lyssa there as well he thought he’d been eaten alive.

  It felt good to able to smile and laugh, something I haven’t done for a while.

  The call with Becks made me wonder how it was that Alex’s best friend
could make the effort to see how I’m doing but he couldn’t? It was then that I decided that I could no longer hide from the world. Lying in my bed was not an option for me anymore; I owed it to the baby and to myself to live my life.

  I desperately hoped that Alex would take a week or so to come to his senses and have a change of heart but there was and still is that nagging voice in the back of my mind, telling me that I better start to prepare for a future without him. I needed to face the possibility that he would never come back to me.

  What If he didn’t? Would I still want to be shut away in my apartment in twenty years’ time, like some modern day Miss. Haversham pining away for my lost love? No, I wouldn’t. I want to live my life, to enjoy it. I want that to be with Alex and the baby. I want for us to face whatever problems we have together as a couple.

  I pray that Alex wants the same thing as me.

  Which is the reason why I’m trying to build up the courage to walk in to the offices of Wells & Bromley and ask to see Alex.

  I‘m hoping that our time apart has given him a chance to rethink his decision about ending out marriage. A small part of me wishes that he hadn’t been faring well with our separation either, that I’ll find him with the same haunted look that I’ve been wearing during our week apart.

  The most important reason that I’m here though is to tell Alex about the baby. Somehow I ‘ve managed to keep my pregnancy a secret from everyone except Violet. Despite what has happened between us, no matter how hurt I am over how he’s treated me. Alex is the baby’s father. He deserves to know first and not find out from someone else.

  Will he be happy with the news? Or will he be upset that he didn’t come with me to my appointment? Who knows? All I do know is that whatever happens, whatever fate has in store. The little life that we created, is loved.

  It was the most amazing feeling seeing my baby for the first time; Violet had squealed in delight when the image appeared on the screen. I looked on in awe knowing that I already loved this tiny child, no bigger than a bean, more than my own life. According to the doctor I’m approximately eight weeks along, thankfully everything looks good. She even managed to render Vi speechless when she congratulated us both on the baby. I chuckled as I explained that I had recently split from my husband and that Vi was my friend.