DEMON DAYS: Love, sex, death, and dark humor. This book has it all. Plus robots.

by Carl S. Plumer

  “Did you hear that?” Patty Patty said. She lifted her arms up to Timmy Jimmy who, despite the pain he was in and his weakened state, picked her up and held her against him, cradling her small bottom in the crook of his arm.

  “It’s nothing, little one,” he said. “Just the wind.”

  “A pretty mean wind, then,” she said. “’Cause it’s knocking down the walls.”

  She was right, of course. The walls were coming down, and the barrage closing in on them by the minute. He glanced over at Helena, who was biting the knuckles of one hand. Her eyes were closed and she appeared to be talking to herself.

  How’d I get myself into this? Helena thought. How am I the leader down here? Why am I responsible for these sixty-odd lives now? She contorted her forehead into a knot stuck between her eyebrows. We need a miracle, now, or this is really all she wrote.

  Bzzzzzz. Buzz-buzz. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

  Helena opened her eyes and focused on the noise.

  It was a wasp, making its way through the small crack in the door where the light shone through.

  “What the hell. . .? We couldn’t just have demons chasing us to eat us alive. Now we have to deal with wasp stings, too?”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “What did you say?”

  “I said,” said the wasp, “‘I beg your pardon.’”

  “You, you talk?”

  “Naturally,” said the wasp. “And am I glad I’ve found you. Helena Heroina, I trust? I have been looking for you for quite some time.”

  “Oh you have, have you?”

  “Yes. Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Chief Inspector Anthony Borgnine of the International Police Force, USA Division.”

  Helena was speechless. Then more of the walls behind her exploded. Scarcely twenty feet beyond, a killer buzz saw of demons headed their way. “Oh, no,” she whispered, no longer speechless.

  “My!” Borgy said. “Seems I got here just in time.”

  “Yes, hallelujah. Proceed to sting the giant alien demons to death. Permission granted and so on.”

  “What? No. You misunderstand. I do not have the ability to sting anything.”

  “Great. A useless, talking wasp.”

  The demons were now merely sixty feet away, two minutes at most. Kids all around Helena cried. Many of the adults, clearly exhausted, collapsed into tears as well. Some of the elderly simply fell asleep, unable to handle the stress any longer.

  “No, I am not here to sting them. I am here to save you. All of you.”

  “How? Through wishful thinking?”

  “I do not understand. Sorry, my humor circuits are not connecting well recently, assuming that was humor.”

  “Bitter sarcasm, if you’re classifying it. I see your condescension circuits are working just fine, though.”

  The monsters crashed their way forward, now just thirty feet away—less than a minute—from breaking into the “great hall” where the survivors cowered at the back wall, certain their lives were over, and wondering if death wasn’t maybe for the best.

  “This way,” Borgy said. He buzzed down to the lock and zipped right into it. Helena heard a few computer-style dings and clicks. Then the lock snapped and Borgnine returned. “Pull the door open and let us get going.”

  The demons smashed through the final wall separating them from their frightened victims. Helena grabbed at the door, swung the rusty metal thing open with all her might and the group rushed out as fast as they could, some screaming, some crying, and some even laughing, either from hysteria or joy. Hard to be certain.

  They poured out onto a cement landing that led to a large staircase, which more than likely led up to freedom.

  “Follow me,” Borgy urged them. “To the staircase! I have summoned rescue vehicles. You are home free now. You are all safe at last.”

  He was wrong, of course. Quite completely and horribly wrong.

  ZACH TIME

  The demons punched their way through the final wall, crashing across the open “great room,” and ripped that same rusty door off its hinges. The only thing keeping them from bursting outside now was the flimsy brick-and-stone wall. A wall quite similar to the 200 yards of insubstantial brick-and-stone wall they had just destroyed.

  The survivors ran screaming toward the stairs. It was mostly the adults who screamed, setting a bad example for the children in tow. Some reached the staircase and began the long climb up, Borgnine giving them all words of encouragement. The sun shone down, making Helena—even in her terrified and dog-tired state—feel that maybe, just maybe, things might be all right after all.

  Half of the group had made it a third of the way up the stairs, while the rest of the group still struggled along the cement path. Timmy Jimmy continued carrying Patty Patty—Helena didn’t fully understood why, but they both looked like they wanted it this way. They were inseparable. Helena reached them and jogged by their side.

  With Dani killed, and Zachary, Mallory, and Bryan missing and presumed dead, Helena hoped something good might come out of this nightmarish mess. She and Timmy Jimmy had always liked each other, but it had been, until now, nothing more than a pleasant distraction with benefits. At the moment, she yearned with all her heart it might turn into something more meaningful. They would need each other from here on in, all three of them, profoundly.

  We may have somehow become a misfit family, it seems, she thought.

  But was just a bit too soon to think about a cottage in the country with a white picket fence. Because the wall a few yards behind them cracked and shattered.

  The demons had broken free.

  The hell beasts burst into the sunshine, the human’s sunshine. There they hovered like images projected in the sky. They flexed and spat fire, flapping their giant wings, slowly at first, then fast and faster. At Mal’s signal, the demons soared off, screeching and howling with bloodlust. They descended rapidly on the group, finding Helena and Timmy Jimmy and the little girl an obvious and irresistible target.

  Just before they reached their objective to begin their reign of destruction again, something metallic, about the size of a man, streaked across the bright morning skies, traveling at roughly MACH-4. Instantaneously, the metal thing arrived on the scene and punched Mal with such a stunning blow, the demon’s jaw dislocated and he plummeted to Earth, flipping end-over-end.

  The machine-man grabbed Angie by her tail, spinning her in circles before launching her into the air and out of sight.

  Next, the robot man seized Def C by the jaw and the back of his head, severing his spinal cord. He dropped the demon to the ground and turned to face “Rocks” Manzer, waving him towards him with the fingers of his upturned hand; like a metallic, bio-mech Bruce Lee,67 motioning him to take his best shot.

  Enraged, Rocks charged him, slapping at the metal-man with three hands, sending his adversary to the cement, where the man skidded to a stop, his next-generation metal parts unscathed and unscratched.

  Meanwhile, all of the people had made it topside and medics, cop bots, and nurse bots loaded them into armored ambulances. Down below, “New and Improved” Zachary Zemeritus versus the demons from beyond the universe. Zach 3, Demons 1.

  “I am here for you,” buzzed the wasp.

  “Oh, Borgy. Good to see you. I’ll need your help with these guys. They’re powerful.”

  “Yes, and wily.”

  “Thanks for that. My confidence is at an all-time high now.”

  “Just want to keep you informed.”

  “Right. Well, let’s get this rodeo started.”

  At first, Zachary II soared parallel to the ground, escaping the pile-up of attacking demons by 1/100th of a second. He twisted in the air, righted himself, and hovered about ten yards away. Then, palms outstretched, he aimed a beam of invisible, but powerful, energy at the big demon. Zach II lifted the beast up as it kicked and fought, trying to punch its way out of an unseen paper bag.

  Zachary gazed up at the sky, at the shining sun, and sho
t the monster into the air and almost to the stratosphere, the ultimate fireworks display. Zachary Zemeritus figured his odds were better, much better, one-on-one with these beasties than it would be three – or four-on-one. He next hurled the other two demons out of the way in the same manner. They’d be back, looking for his blood, in five minutes or so. But that was okay; he’d deal with them all in their own time. For now, any demon would do.

  The smallest of the beasts charged, muscles bulging with bloodlust. Zachary had unleashed the dogs of hell war, without crying “havoc” first. Zachary faked to the right, then dodged in midair to the left. The demon sailed by him, enraged all the more, shooting away from Zach at a high speed and vanishing toward the horizon. When directed by Borgy, Zach hit a button on his metallic chest, releasing a microscopic heat-seeking missile that spiraled, following the direct path after the demon. Once it did make contact, even a demon as large and as strong as this one would be blown to bits.

  What Zachary hadn’t counted on, however, were the flames blasting out of the beast’s arse. The flames reduced the missile to a melty bit of metal scrap that tumbled to the ground, useless. It splattered like silver paint on the concrete below.

  Zachary became temporarily distracted, watching his weapon reduced to naught and falling to Earth. His distraction was taken advantage of by the demon, who took Zachary head-on, literally. The top of its head rammed into Zachary’s titanium-clad belly with such force Zachary was thrown back into the brick wall. His stomach registered no ache, thanks to the protective zirconium covering. But the rest of him felt pain and plenty of it.

  Zachary collapsed to the ground to shake off the second successful demon attack on him in the past five minutes. He leapt back in the air before the monstrosity could strike again. Zachary zoomed in circles around the demon, over and over again. The demon followed him with his eyes, and the rest of his body, as if Zachary had tied a line to him and spun him in midair.

  The demon began a lopsided descent to Earth. Zachary drilled down with high speed and fierce determination onto the demon’s head, crushing him up to his waist in the cement walkway, the beast’s wings crumpling on either side.

  As Def C struggled to free himself from his cement straitjacket, Mal returned, looking for payback. He screamed as he reappeared, ice from the upper atmosphere stuck to his noses and horns.

  “THERE WILL BE BLOOD!”

  Zachary smiled, somewhat mechanically, but still sincerely.

  “Bring it, you crazy old demon. Let me see what you got,” Zachary taunted the giant beast and all its heads.

  Mal attacked full force, all of its arms and fists straight out, and aimed at Zachary. When the punches landed, it was a marriage of thunder and earthquake.

  But Zachary didn’t budge.

  He had encased himself in a protective shield. Inside the silver bubble, Zachary laughed. “Old fool,” he said. “You have underestimated who, or what, you are dealing with.”

  “NO I HAVEN’T. I’VE ESTIMATED YOU SPOT ON: YOU ARE AN ARROGANT, WEAK, EARTHLING, WHO WILL BE DEAD BEFORE SUNSET.”

  “Wrong, asshole. I’m the whole human race, baby. You can’t, and you won’t, defeat us all. I am mankind. I am the fathers and the sons, the mothers and the daughters. I am the spirit of life on Earth. And we don’t want you here anymore. So. . ..

  GET.

  OFF.

  OUR.

  PLANET!”

  With that, Zachary unleashed a blast of freezing air from his shoulder nozzles aimed at the largest of the demons. The demon hovered beneath an AC unit, which had been dripping water steadily onto the beast while Zach gave his speech.

  Now, there are many things you can do to a demon that won’t affect it one iota. Flames, more flames, and even hotter and bigger infernos. These will have no effect. But the thing no demons can stand is cold, snow, and ice. They loathe the cold and they hate all icy things.68 Of course, they despise Christmas most, both Christmas Eve and Christmas Morn.

  So now, with water freezing on him, turning him into a living wedding ice sculpture in seconds, the monster grew more livid, yet more powerless. Despite a body constructed of hate and fire, it only took a sheeting of thin ice to shut down his fire-making systems. His nose, his mouth, and his ass stayed quiet. The demon roared a muffled, wordless threat, but he couldn’t move. It was a giant game of freeze tag, only this time for keeps. He was helpless, confused, and weakened.

  As in a game of regular, “non-lethal” freeze tag, someone tags you to free you, which was what, in effect, Angie did now by breathing fire on “Ice Station Mal.” As Mal regained his still somewhat frozen senses, Rocks joined Angie and together they threw themselves on Zachary. Against two demons at once, Zachary’s protective shell cracked. The monsters beat and beat and beat at it. With a loud SNAP, the protective casing exploded like a popped bubble-gum bubble, exposing Zachary Zemeritus again.

  The two demons, mouths wide, were about to clamp down on his head and shoulders when ZZ evaded their attack by dropping straight down to the ground and skittering away, right past the pegged Def C, who still squirmed and squealed within his cement trap.

  Noticing Def C as if for the first time, Rocks and Anguigena Caprigenus swooped down to aid him as Zachary got away and gained a chance to recoup. There, an unfocused Mal met them.

  “HOW DID YOU END UP IMPALED LIKE THIS?”

  Incensed by this insult, Def C shouted back with bitterness: “GIVE ME A BREAK. YOU SEE HOW THIS GUY FIGHTS. DAMN, HE MADE AN ICICLE OUT OF YOU, IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, AND THAT WAS AFTER HE THREW YOU OFF INTO SPACE.”

  “HE DID NOT THROW ME ANYWHERE NEAR SPACE, IDIOT. JUST VERY HIGH IN THE SKY. HE IS NOT THAT GOOD, TRUST ME.”

  “JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE SO WE CAN DESTROY HIM.”

  Rocks and Anguigena Caprigenus pulled on Def C from under each shoulder. They dislodged him a bit, perhaps, but like a stubborn lid on a jar of pickles, he wouldn’t release.

  Mal snarled: “OUT OF MY WAY.”

  Laying all three of his arms and a total of five hands on the demon in the ground, he pulled and grunted and farted until Def C popped free.

  “THERE, THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT. OH, YEAH!” Mal did an end-zone dance.

  Rocks sneered and growled: “AH, QUIT SHOWING OFF.”

  Angie joined the conversation, kicking at the cement pieces left on the ground when Def C was first impaled by Zachary Zemeritus, the “New and Improved” version. Now with extra Carbon Fiber!

  “YEAH, WE ALREADY LOOSENED HIM FOR YOU. HE WAS ABOUT TO COME OUT ANYWAY, IF YOU HAD JUST LEFT US ALONE. . .”

  Ignoring the whining of Angie and Def C, Mal said: “LET US BE SURE NOT TO LET THE SO-CALLED HERO SEPARATE US AGAIN. HE IS TOO WEAK TO HARM US, BUT HE DISTRACTS LIKE A HORSEFLY. HE IS ONLY DELAYING THE INEVITABLE.”

  Def C agreed: “KILL HIM NOW, DISEMBOWEL HIM, MAKE HIM SUFFER. LOOK AT ALL THE TELEVISION CAMERAS AND BLOGGERS. YOU CANNOT BUY PUBLICITY LIKE THIS! TIME TO SHOW THE WORLD WHAT WE ARE ALL ABOUT.”

  Excited, Angie added to the pep talk: “HELL, YEAH, DESTROY THE JERK! FIND ZACHARY ZEMERITUS, WHEREVER HE IS, AND END THIS OVERLY-LONG PROCESS.”

  Mal put in the final word, maggots and other bug larvae squirming through his teeth as he roared: “YES. THEN AFTER, LET’S GET ON WITH DESTROYING THIS DAMN PLANET. ONCE AND FOR ALL!”

  With a victory roar, the four demons of the apocalypse shot back up into the sky, bent on bloodletting.

  Unfortunately for them, however, their opponent was nowhere to be seen.

  “GREAT, NOW WHAT?”

  Angie bit at one of her grotesque black and infected fingernails absently. Mal swung his stack of heads around to stare at her, and laughed.

  “WHAT IS WITH THIS FAKE HERO? GUESS HE’S HAD ENOUGH. HAD TO RUN OFF TO MOMMY. HA HA HA! WELL THEN, I AM FAMISHED, HOW ABOUT YOU ALL? LET US PICK UP SOME FAST FOOD AND GET OUR ENERGY BACK.”

  Def C, rubbing his hands together and smiling, retorted: “BY FAST FOOD, I ASSUME YOU MEAN THESE HUMANS ALL AROU
ND US WHO WILL BE FAST AND EASY TO CATCH.”

  “YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.”

  “Rocks” Manzer, slapping one of his four fists into one of his hands, shouted, “LET US DO THIS THING!”

  The devils from the sky streamed like jets across the open area and toward the crowds, who had been watching the battle, hoping for the mega-man’s victory. Screaming and running, they only now realized the tables had turned. Not only was the battle lost, but the cost turned out to be them: spoils for the victors.

  DEMON TIME

  The demons spat fire, their various heads spinning as they looked for the best—in other words, the weakest—target in the crowd. Unfortunately (from their point of view), there were no children or toddlers. Nothing but a few unappetizing old people. Directly in the middle of the crowd, six or seven people stood, sucking on their caramel Frappuccinos. The look on their faces said this was the last thing in the world they expected to happen today. The demons snatched up the men and women, whose cold coffees splashed like diarrhea onto the sidewalk as they were carried away, screaming.

  However, before the demons could get very far off the ground with their prizes, water from the heavens opened up. The people fell almost comically back to the sidewalk, while the demons splashed about, trying to get away from the waterfall. Three thousand gallons of icy-cold water, pouring all at once on top of four angry demons.

  Zach Zemeritus made it rain on the creeps-from-Hell-space slower than he wanted to. There were just too many people around. The tumbled folks hadn’t gotten up yet, either. They still rolled around on the ground, sputtering and gasping and slapping at the water on their faces. Zachary Z wished they would get out of the way already. His plan required that he dump all fifty thousand gallons in one big, surprising rush, and then freeze the demons solid. He wasn’t so sure the plan could work well, if at all, with just dribbling the water on them. Still, he was willing to give it a try.