Courts of Idleness

by Dornford Yates

  “Pig,” said his wife.

  “That’s right,” said Berry. “Liken your lawful husband to the lower animals. Compare him with swine.” He raised his eyes to heaven. “And this is what I have fought for.” He paused to gaze at a large piece of toast, which he had coated with butter. “D’you think that will go in, or shall I cut it in two?” he added miserably.

  “Oh, easy,” said Jonah. “Of course it’s not everyone’s mouthful, hut for you… Hadn’t you better have some more butter, though? I can see the toast showing through in one place.”

  Berry pushed away his plate.

  “Now, I shan’t eat it at all,” he said. “Just to punish you. Is there any more coffee?”

  “Tonight’s the night,” said Daphne suddenly. “We may as well dine here, don’t you think?”

  For a moment I glanced at her questioningly. Then I remembered the masked ball.

  “Much nicer,” said Jill. “And we can just push off quietly at a quarter to ten.”

  “I shall go as a parade state,” announced my brother-in-law. “I shall sit on a buff slip and be erroneous. Those who ask me the way to the bar I shall direct to the cloak-room. At times I shall be quite unintelligible.”

  “When you’ve quite finished,” said Daphne, “I’ll say that it’s not a fancy-dress ball, but a bal masqué.”

  “French!” said her husband rapturously. “The tongue of diplomats. Delivered with the famous Lyons accent. Who would think it, to look at her?”

  “Fool,” said his wife. “Are you playing polo this afternoon?” she added, turning to Jonah.

  “I am. You and Jill coming?”

  My sister shook her head.

  “Our afternoon at the canteen,” she said. “It’s great fun, but I like the hospitals best.”

  “They cheer when they see her coming,” said Jill. “That’ll do, Jill,” said Daphne, “or I’ll tell them about the letters you get.”

  Jill blushed furiously.

  “They’re a popular pair,” said Berry. “Get more salutes in the street than the C-in-C. I was with Daphne once outside the Turf Club, and an Australian happened to pass. I returned his salute, when the fellow stopped and came back. ‘Excuse me,’ he said, ‘but I was saluting the lady.’”

  I looked to my sister for confirmation.

  “Quite true,” she said, laughing.

  “What on earth did you say?” said I.

  “Apologized, of course, and said I hoped he’d overlook it this time. The only way was to take the wind out of his sails.” Rising to his feet, he consulted his wrist-watch. “A short ten minutes and I must be gone. Jonah, I’ll trouble you for the paper.”

  Jonah passed him the Gazette, and he sauntered out of the room. I pushed my chair back, and Moloch alighted on my shoulder. For a moment I regarded him uneasily. Then he placed two small firm hands on my cheek and deliberately pushed my head round till he was out of my sight.

  “He doesn’t like being stared at,” explained Jill, rippling with mirth.

  “Have some more coffee,” said Jonah eagerly.

  “Wait till he’s on your neck,” said I. “Seriously, what should A do?”

  “A should humour B,” said Jonah. “It’s as plain as a pikestaff.”

  “You fool,” said I. “How do I know—”

  “Keep perfectly still. I’ll tell you when he bites you.”

  I was afraid to throw anything at him, lest Moloch should misinterpret my movement. So I swallowed and sat very still. A disconcerting shriek of laughter from my companions increased my apprehension.

  “I’m afraid he doesn’t like your hairwash,” said Jonah unsteadily.

  This was more than I could bear, so I rose as quietly as I could and turned to look in the mirror behind me. I was just in time to witness the assault. With a squeal of rage Moloch braced his feet against my head, and, seizing my ear with both hands, strove to detach it from the scalp. With a yell I grabbed him by the body, when he bit me twice with the rapidity of a serpent, and took a flying leap on to the breakfast-table. A moment later he was turning over the dates with all the deliberation of a seasoned gourmand.

  I said a most appropriate word under my breath. The others were all speechless with laughter.

  Berry put his head round the door and watched me licking my finger.

  “I suppose you asked for it,” he said.

  At a quarter to three that afternoon Miss Revel was driving a two-seater out of the Club gates. She missed me by six inches, and pulled up to apologize. I took off my hat.

  “Now I shall want six and seven as well,” said I.

  She gave me a puzzled smile.

  “Six and seven,” she said. “What a funny sum! I’ve heard of six and eight. Isn’t that the lawyer’s fee?”

  “I’m talking of dances,” said I. “I was to have four and five and nine and ten, wasn’t I? And supper.”

  Suddenly she seemed to understand.

  “O-oh,” she said. “How funny – I mean – All right, six and seven as well.”

  “Upon my soul,” I said, “I believe you’d forgotten.”

  Miss Revel threw back her head and laughed. Then she gave me a mischievous glance.

  “I swear I hadn’t,” she said. “So long.”

  “And supper.”

  “Perhaps.” Then, instead of letting in the clutch, she pointed over my shoulder. “That a friend of yours?”

  I turned to see the marmoset regarding me wistfully about a horse’s length away.

  “Moloch!” I said stupidly. “Moloch!”

  The animal whimpered a greeting. I turned to Miss Revel.

  “He must have followed me,” I said. “I don’t like the look of it.”

  Hurriedly I told her the details of the morning’s assault. When I had finished:

  “I believe he’s sorry,” she said. “He’s probably followed you to apologize.”

  “He might have chosen a better time,” I said. “Now I shall have to take the little blighter home again.”

  Miss Revel opened the door of the car.

  “Get in,” she said, “both of you.”

  As we swung round the second corner, the door of one of the head-lights flew open. Miss Revel slowed up, and I got out to fasten it.

  “You’ll want two hands,” said she; “it’s awfully stiff. I’ll hold Moloch.”

  I handed him over. The next moment there was a shriek, and I whipped round to see the marmoset scudding up the drive which led to a private house.

  If I had not slipped at the foot of the steps, I should have had him. As it was, I rose painfully to my feet to see the animal leering at me from the comparative safety of a tastefully furnished hall. Although the front door was wide open, there was no one in sight. I glanced at the windows, but all the shutters were drawn to, It was the hour of siesta.

  Wondering what to do, I began to wipe the perspiration from my face. Should you wish to keep cool in Egypt, it is inadvisable to run, even in wintertime, until after sundown.

  A step on the gravel, and there was Miss Revel beside me.

  “Where’s he gone?” she whispered.

  I indicated the marmoset with a shaking forefinger.

  “There’s the swine,” I said bitterly.

  Putting a small hand on my shoulder for support, Miss Revel bowed her head to a tempest of laughter.

  “Hush,” she sobbed. “I suppose it was my fault. Oh, I’m so dreadfully sorry.”

  “I beg your pardon,” I said stiffly.

  Miss Revel only covered her eyes and continued to shake with merriment. I glanced uneasily at the shuttered windows and began to rehearse a suitable explanation against the coming of the occupant of the house.

  “Madam, I am extremely sorry, but… Yes, that behind the clock is our little marmoset… I think the vase must have been riveted. He only just… If I could have a pair of steps and some dates… I’m afraid my sister is a little overwrought…”

  Suddenly I turned to my companion.
/>   “D’you know who lives here?” I asked.

  She shook her head.

  I tried to consider what was the best thing to do. Of course I could ring, but the summons was sure to be answered by a black servant, who would not understand a word I said, and would probably make a clumsy mess of things if he tried to catch the miscreant. The noise would certainly bring the owner upon the scene. If, however, we went to work scientifically, there was more than a sporting chance of our catching the creature and getting away without attracting attention. After a moment’s reflection I chose the latter course.

  “Look here,” I said, “I’ll just stroll in quietly, without appearing to notice him, and then, when he thinks I’m going by, I’ll turn and pick him up. You just stand at the door in case he makes a bolt that way.”

  She nodded, and with a nonchalant air I walked up the steps on tip-toe. To complete the illusion, I uncovered and wiped my shoes on the mat before beginning to saunter aimlessly in Moloch’s direction. With my gaze apparently riveted on the opposite wall, I was careful to keep him in the tail of my eye.

  I am prepared to swear that my pose was flawless, but I had not allowed for instinct. I was still some six yards from my objective, when, with a deliberation as calculated as my own, he started on all fours to walk towards the open door of what appeared to be the drawing-room. His tail waved derisively to and fro. At once I stood still where I was. So did Moloch. But he did not sit down. He just turned his head to look at me and see that I kept my distance. I watched the contemptuous gestures of his tail with rising indignation.

  It was now clear that I must have assistance, and I turned to the front door. Curiosity had led my companion as far as the mat, from which point of vantage she could observe what took place. At the moment she was reeling against the wall in a paroxysm of silent laughter. Solemnly I beckoned her to my side.

  “I daren’t move,” I said, when she had glided up to me. “So it’s up to you to make an encircling movement and cut him off. For Heaven’s sake, get between him and that door. Shut it if you can.”

  She nodded and began to move noiselessly in the direction I had indicated, when, clearly divining our tactics, Moloch, in a perfect ecstasy of impertinence, leapt into the air, spun into the caper of a demoniac, squealed, and hurled himself into the drawing-room.

  What was left of my prudence I flung to the winds. After what had occurred I would have followed the sweep into a nunnery.

  When we entered the room, the marmoset was investigating the contents of a bowl on the top of the piano. I fancy it was the look in my eyes that emphasized the discretion of a precipitate retreat to the nearest window-curtain. I saw the mistake he had made before he did, and turned excitedly to my companion.

  “Now we’ve got him,” I said. “He can’t clear out, and he can’t hang on indefinitely. You stand by the curtain to catch him if he tries to come down, and I’ll harass him from the window-sill.”

  From his excited gibbering Moloch seemed to realize that his position was desperate. There was not room for him to sit on the pole and though he scrambled up to the curtain-rings, by dint of standing on the sill of the open window and holding on to the green shutters, I could reach to within three inches of him with my disengaged hand. It was only a question of time. Miss Revel and I regarded him expectantly.

  “What’s he done?” said a quiet voice.

  Miss Revel gave a little cry, and we both swung round guiltily to see a good-looking man of about fifty regarding us with a grave smile. He was in khaki, but he had no coat on, and his sleeves were rolled up. His hands were in the pockets of his slacks. As I stepped gingerly down from the window, Moloch made good his escape.

  For a moment we all stood looking at one another. Then:

  “Whatever must you think?” said Miss Revel weakly.

  The soldier drew forward an easy chair.

  “Won’t you sit down?” he said courteously.

  Taking a deep breath, I plunged into the sea of apology and explanation. When I paused:

  “Trespass is bad enough,” he said. “Happily I was just in time to save you from a worse crime.” He stepped to the mantelpiece, where the marmoset sat watching us. “George,” he said, “you wicked fellow, what have you been doing?” In silence the animal scrambled contentedly on to his shoulder and put a small arm round his neck. “You see, he’s all right with me,” he added, “but he’s always a bit nervous of strangers.”

  “But you said it was Moloch,” gasped Miss Revel, turning to me.

  I opened my mouth, but at first no words came. At length:

  “I – I thought it was,” I stammered.

  “They’re all exactly alike,” said the soldier. “It’s a mistake anybody might make.”

  There was a dreadful silence. Then:

  “D’you know any deep pools near here?” I said. “Where a man may drown undisturbed? The river’s so public.”

  Our host rang the bell with a pleasant laugh.

  “You must have some tea first,” he said.

  Of our united humble protests he would have none.

  “I insist.” He spoke as one having authority. “I think you have given me the right to choose your punishment,” he added, with a quick smile.

  With silent foot a native servant entered the room and stood awaiting his master’s pleasure.

  “Bring tea,” said the latter. Then he turned to Miss Revel.

  “You will hold me excused,” he said, with a bow, “while I fetch my coat.”

  “Of course,” murmured my companion.

  When he re-entered the room, he was wearing the badges of rank of a lieutenant-general.

  The fourth dance was a fox-trot. As we glided into the lilt of the tune:

  “Shall we dance this?” I said to Miss Revel, “or shall we just jazz?”

  “Jazz?”

  “The new verb, my dear. You know. I jazz, thou just, he jad: we jammed, ye jabbed, they were extremely daring. You see, I knew you all right, didn’t I.”

  “I’m not sure yet.”

  I stared at the little masked face so close to my own. There was a maddening smile on the red lips.

  “There are times,” I said, “when I don’t understand you.” My partner laughed. “However – I’m more than pleased with your markings,” I added, critically inspecting the vaccination marks high up on her right arm. “They will greatly add to the distinction which already characterizes my collection.”

  “Don’t mention it,” said Miss Revel. “Can you carry them in your head, or do you want to take an impression?”

  “They are already graven upon my heart. You can guess the name that’s there, can’t you?”

  “I’ve no idea.”

  “Moloch, of course. Queen Mary lost Calais. And I thought I’d found Moloch.”

  “And who,” said Miss Revel, “is Moloch?”

  I started violently, missed a step, trod on my partner’s toes, apologized in a voice I hardly recognized and then led her out of the dance. When we had found a quiet corner:

  “Do you mean to say you don’t know who Moloch is?” I demanded.

  “I don’t seem to remember,” she said slowly.

  I looked at her very hard.

  “I suppose you’ll say we didn’t have tea with a General next?”

  “Did we?” said Miss Revel.

  Amazedly I regarded her. At length:

  “Either you’re pulling my leg,” I said heavily, “or else you ought to take up Mentalism.”

  “Seriously?”

  “I mean it,” said I. “I knew a fellow who took it up, and within a month he was a brigadier-general. Of course he’d been a brigadier-general for years, but I mean to say he retained his rank.”

  Towards the end of the interval between the fifth and sixth dances she asked me to fetch her a glass of water. When I returned she was gone, and the music had already commenced before I saw her close to the entrance. I stepped to her side.

  “I am quite prepared for
you to deny that you asked me to fetch you some water,” I said, handing her the glass.

  She looked at me mischievously over the rim of the tumbler.

  “I’m very glad of it,” she said. “But I must admit I don’t remember—”

  I was getting frightened, and we danced the next dance in silence.

  It was after the seventh, when we were seated half way up the grand staircase, that she turned to me with a smile.

  “I shall never forget this afternoon,” she said. “Your face, when the General called him ‘George,’ was the funniest – What on earth’s the matter?”

  With an effort I mastered a frantic desire to scream, kick somebody, and rush out of the building.

  “Oh, nothing,” I replied uncertainly. “One or other of us is mad. That’s all. I don’t know which yet. I’m beginning to think it’s me. Let’s talk of something else,” I added hurriedly. “Vaccination marks, for instance.”

  “Vaccination marks!” cried Miss Revel.

  I laughed bitterly.

  “Oh, you wouldn’t remember,” I said. “It must be quite half an hour since we discussed them. If you did, you’d recollect that I said yours were graven upon my heart.”

  I was sitting on her right, and, as I spoke, I glanced at her bare arm.

  There were no marks on it at all.

  I stared until I thought my eyes would fall out of my head. Then I looked about me dazedly, as one in a dream. Suddenly a wave swept surging into my brain.

  “Have you a twin sister?” I said in a shaking voice.

  “But how clever of him to find out,” said Miss Revel, falling into silvery laughter.

  For fully a minute we regarded one another in eloquent silence. Then I gave a long sigh of relief.

  “I’ve had a wearing day, haven’t I?” I said. “Chorus. First he mixed the marmosets and then he mixed the sisters.”

  “History repeats itself,” said Miss Revel.

  “I know. But I never knew that beauty did, too. Otherwise I might have guessed before.”

  “What we both want to know,” said Miss Revel wickedly, “is which of us you want to take in to supper?”