Courts of Idleness

by Dornford Yates

  “For Heaven’s sake,” cried Miss Feste, “what are you doing? The suspense is awful. Which part am I to wear?”

  I turned to Geoffrey.

  “Is the plane ready?” I asked.

  He pointed out of the window. There we could see mechanics busy about a Handley-Page.

  “I am supposed to be taking her up in ten minutes’ time,” he said, glancing at a clock on the mantelpiece.

  “We’ll leave you for fifty seconds,” said I to Adèle. “Let me give you the recipe. Insert the foot delicately into the cylinder of cloth.” I pointed to the two trouser legs. “Then raise same slowly till the turn up is on a level with the high heel. Make fast with garter below the hock. Keep cool and wear with a rich sauce. Will twenty-five seconds a leg be enough?”

  “I daren’t,” said Adèle, looking about her. “Supposing somebody were to come in?”

  “Not likely,” said Geoffrey. “They’re all at the sports.”

  The next moment I was outside the room, struggling into a leather coat. When we returned, Miss Feste was standing on a table, trying to see herself in the mirror above the fireplace. To all appearances she was wearing a filthy pair of slacks by way of pantaloons. It was sacrilege, but it gave the desired effect. When we had disguised her in leather coat, flying helmet, and goggles, nobody would have given her a second look. Only the little brown-shod feet looked smaller than ever.

  While she and Geoffrey were strolling across the aerodrome, I deposited her bent straw hat in the car.

  “Wait,” I said to the chauffeur.

  “Or-right, or-right.”

  If I had been sitting by the side of the pilot, instead of crouched on a petrol tin in the gunner’s cockpit, I should have realized what was happening sooner than I did. As it was, of my simplicity I believed that Geoffrey was bringing us down so that we might have a closer view of the Pyramids, for at the time we were close to Mena. Only when we were about two hundred feet up and still descending did I look round. The first thing I noticed was the frown on the pilot’s face. Geoffrey was looking as black as thunder. He was also peering disdainfully from side to side. Meeting my gaze, he raised his eyes to heaven and drew in his breath. Then he looked down very hard, and I saw the tip of his tongue appear between his teeth. As I glanced round and down, he made a beautiful forced landing. The great aeroplane alighted gingerly on a hard piece of desert, jolted over a stone or two, and came to rest easily a moment later in some looser sand.

  “Well, that’s that,” said Geoffrey. “There will now be a short interval of twenty-four hours.”

  I stood up in the cockpit and faced him.

  “I gather,” said I, “that we owe you our lives.”

  Geoffrey sighed heavily.

  “These laymen!” he said. “Give me a cigarette.”

  I felt for my case.

  “You see?” said Miss Feste. “It hasn’t fazed him at all. If I were let down in mid-air, I should probably lose my mind – try to get out, or something. But the law of gravity never enters his head. He just swears once – I heard him – and then slides out of the sky as though he were parking a car.”

  “Thank you, kind lady,” said Geoffrey, “but I must hand it back. The most poisonous ass—”

  “You were absolutely the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen,” said Miss Feste.

  “Nonsense,” said Geoffrey stoutly. “All I’ve done is to let you down badly. We can’t get back, they don’t keep cars out here, and you’re about two miles from Mena House.”

  “What exactly happened?” said I. “That the pilot was forced to descend owing to engine trouble I know, but—”

  “Let’s get out of the old bus,” said Geoffrey. “I’ll tell you when we’re down.”

  The mechanic, who had remained aft, was already on the ground. He and I were just about to assist Miss Feste to descend through the trap-door when Geoffrey uttered a cry, leaned over the side of the Handley-Page, and pointed towards the Great Pyramid.

  “Good lord!” he said. “The gilded staff!”

  Looking in the direction he indicated I saw five horsemen trotting in our direction. Three were riding together, while two followed behind. The brass hats of two of the former were clearly visible.

  “Quick,” cried Geoffrey. “They mustn’t find you here – either of you. For Heaven’s sake, push off! Anywhere. Try the other side of that sand-hill, and, if they see you, pretend you’ve nothing to do with me. Looking for scarabs or something.”

  As he spoke, the approaching cavalcade disappeared from view. Obviously it was crossing a patch of ‘dead’ ground. Adèle half tumbled, half fell into my arms. I helped her out of her coat and flung off my own, and then, catching her by the hand, started to struggle towards the sand-hill. The going was hideous, for the sand was soft and loose. Mercifully the staff were still out of sight. They were probably considerably further away, when we first noticed them, than I had imagined – so deceptive a thing is distance in desert places.

  As we were rounding the shoulder of the sand-hill, I glanced back to see the head and shoulders of a horseman come into view on the other side of the great aeroplane. A moment later we were out of their sight.

  With her hand pressed to her side and panting for breath, Miss Feste sank down on the sand.

  “Don’t look for a minute,” she gasped. “I want to take these wretched things off.” She indicated the ridiculous slacks with a shaking forefinger.

  Obediently I turned away, mopping my face with the spare handkerchief which the climate had taught me to carry. The next moment:

  “All right,” she said.

  When I turned round, she was shaking the sand out of a small brown shoe. I folded up the trouserings, removed my helmet, and put the lot under my arm. The garters I slid into my pocket.

  “I shall have to keep this on,” said Adèle, touching her cap. “I can’t walk about hatless. I must look awful.”

  “As a matter of fact, you look lovely,” said I. “You do indeed.”

  Framed in the helmet, her merry face was most attractive. Her brown eyes danced with excitement, her red lips were parted in a smile, and the colour had leapt into her cheeks as the result of her run. But whilst I was streaming with perspiration, she was comparatively cool. Tall and slim, her cream-coloured frock of some soft fabric suited her admirably. Already I had marked how the long coat, that fell to her knees, set off the grace of her steps with every movement.

  She made a goodly picture, sitting there on the slope of the sand-hill, shoe in hand, her tiny unshod foot resting upon the other’s instep.

  “I feel rather as if I was acting in a revue,” she said suddenly. “What comes next?”

  “The comedian should really appear, complete with garden roller and scythe, and start reclaiming the desert or something. As it is, the first thing, so far as I’m concerned, is to get cool. The second is to find a means of transport for you as far as Mena. You’ll never get there in those shoes.”

  Adèle regarded her feet.

  “I expect I shall have to try,” she said.

  “I wonder,” I said reflectively, “what Crusoe would have done if he’d come across your footprint in the sand instead of his own?”

  “Lost his memory, I expect.”

  I shook my head.

  “He’d probably have gone straight back to his cave to brush his hair. But we should never have known, for his diary would have come to an abrupt stop.”

  “And the world would have been the poorer.”

  “He would probably have turned out some excellent lyrics. You know, Adèle, I simply love your hair.”

  “That’s a load off my mind,” she flashed.

  “Why did you cut it?” I asked.

  “To save trouble.”

  “I had mine taken off with the clippers three years ago for the same reason,” said I, “but nobody said they loved what was left.”

  “You surprise me,” said Adèle. “I’m sure you must have looked priceless.”


  “As a matter of fact, I looked about fifty-six. I suppose you keep your ears under the hair. D’you find they do well there? After all, strawberries grow like anything under straw, don’t they?”

  “As a matter of fact, they’re most disappointing,” said Adèle. “They simply won’t grow.”

  “Heaven forbid that they should. Yours are specimens of the aurium deliciœ type, famous for their bloom. If it’s anything like that on your cheeks, you ought to show them. To tell you the truth, I’m rather an authority on auriculture. Will you give me a private view one day?”

  “I’ll give you anything if you’ll get me back to Cairo by half-past six,” said Adèle.

  “Done,” said I. “May I have anything on account?”

  For a moment she gazed into the distance, while the faintest of smiles hung hesitating in the midst of its mischievous dance about her lips. There was such a look on her face as makes a man catch his breath, and to this her raised eyebrows lent a puzzled yet inscrutable air that would have shaken the convictions of the most confirmed misogynist.

  “Any more for the Sphinx?” I murmured.

  Miss Feste flung me a dazzling smile and stretched out a slim hand to be helped to her feet.

  “I never give anything on account,” she said, “but I’ll pay – in reason – when you deliver the goods.”

  A cautious glance over the top of the sand-hill showed us that the forced landing of the Handley-Page was affording the Staff considerable interest. Geoffrey was standing stiffly by the side of one whom I took to be an officer of some distinction, for his companions had fallen a little behind. The General – he could be no less – was pointing to the great aeroplane, and seemed to be asking a whole series of questions. The elder of the other two officers was not unlike Berry. I fell to wondering…

  “Nothing doing there,” I said, turning to Adèle. “We’d better try and work round their flank.”

  She nodded, and a moment later we had started on our circuitous route.

  We saw the camels simultaneously. Unattended they were kneeling side by side in the shade of a sand dune. Both of them were saddled. With one accord Adèle and I stood still. The animals suspended the hideous process of mastication, upon which they were engaged, and favoured us with a supercilious stare.

  I drew a deep breath.

  “Luck,” said I, “is with us. Behold our transport.”

  “Oh, but—”

  “I can’t help it. People shouldn’t leave camels lying about. Besides, we can send them back from Mena. Seriously,” I continued, “the moment we start backing them, you’ll find their driver will roll up. They’re always, as you would say, ‘floating around,’ just out of sight somewhere.”

  Neither of us had ever ridden or endeavoured to control a camel before, and several hectic minutes elapsed before we were mounted. Happily the animals had little choice in the matter, for, upon investigation, I found that their near forelegs were so strapped that they could not rise until the straps were unfastened. Against everything that we did, however, they protested with a series of uncouth snarls, which, in the circumstances, were rather trying to the nerves. But, for all their clamouring, no one appeared upon the scene.

  It had occurred to neither of us that a camel rises to its feet, as it were, by numbers, and although I had established my companion firmly enough upon the brute’s back, when it came, the double movement proved so exacting that she escaped a fall as by a miracle. I observed, moreover, that the embarrassment of its intending rider affords the camel great gratification, and that if by any means it can rise to its feet before he is ready, it is delighted to do so. It was therefore with some misgiving that I prepared to unstrap the foreleg of my own. However, it had to be done.

  I loosened the strap, dived for the saddle, was flung on to the animal’s neck, and was hurled backwards again in something under one second.

  As I lugged at the cord attached to the brute’s nose, I could hear Adèle sobbing with laughter. Solemnly I turned and regarded her.

  “That’s right,” I said. “You have a good laugh. I’m not sensitive. But, if you do fall off, don’t forget we’re done. I’ll never be able to get the swine to kneel down again. I’ve forgotten the password.”

  “I’m sorry,” she wailed. “I’m sorry. But if you could have seen–” The merry voice trailed off into another gust of laughter. Helplessly I laughed with her.

  We were nearing Mena, when the sound of voices made us look round. The three Staff officers, followed by their orderlies, were fifty paces behind us and coming up. We were just about to pass between two sand-hills, and if they were to keep on the level, they must ride close to us as they went by.

  The General was talking to the Major upon his right. The latter was regarding us fixedly. It was Berry.

  “Yes, I can see it isn’t hers now; but the camel my wife rides is very like that one on the right, and she said she might be taking the Professor out here this afternoon. He’s rather an authority on excavation, you know.”

  With the tail of my eye I saw Adèle start violently at his words. I urged my mount to her side.

  “Carry it off,” I growled, “carry it off. They’ll be by in a moment. Berry’s there, but don’t notice him.”

  She nodded.

  I heard a horse snort, and the General laughed.

  “Ah, Pleydell, your pony camel-shy? Now, this old fellow of mine is a wonder. Never turns a hair. I believe you could run him in double harness with a camel and he wouldn’t object. Any camel in the world, that is, except one. And that’s the one I was speaking of – my wife’s. D’you know, there’s a sort of feeling between those two animals. Whenever he comes anywhere near it, the brute produces its water bottle and gurgles at him. And he won’t have it at any price. Squeals and kicks, and he’s away if he’s half a chance.”

  “’Straordinary thing, sir,” said Berry gravely.

  They were only twenty paces behind us now, and the General pushed his mount into a trot to pass. As I have said, it was a narrow place. He made to overtake us on the right, and as he drew abreast of Adèle, her camel deliberately turned, opened its mouth, revealing a kind of bladder, and gave vent to a most offensive gurgle. The result was appalling. In less time than it takes to record the disaster, the General’s horse squealed, lashed out like a wild animal, swung round, and streaked into the desert.

  To say that the sudden swerve unsettled the General would be to understate what occurred. After travelling for about two hundred yards, seemingly crouched upon the near shoulder of his mount, that gallant officer appeared to succumb to the inevitable, for he slid slowly round its neck and took a first-class toss about fifty yards later.

  The awful silence was broken by the ADC.

  “Hurray! He’s off,” observed that gentleman, with an indecent relish. Then he winked at Berry and galloped in the direction of his fallen chief, with the two orderlies thundering behind him. It was with relief that I noticed that the distant huddle of khaki and red was sitting up and looking about him.

  Adèle and I pushed on.

  “Can you beat it?” said Berry. A glance showed me that he was riding as close behind us as his horse would permit. “Can you beat it? First they pinch his wife’s camels, and then they subscribe to one of the most unwarrantable outrages upon his person that I have ever witnessed. Most serious. Larceny of two live camels and grievous bodily harm by means of a trick. They won’t be out for years. When charged, they made no reply. A long list of previous convictions against the male prisoner was proved by his brother-in-law, for whom great sympathy was felt. Police officers from New York identified his accomplice as Slipaway Doll, a notorious female crook, who was wanted for a daring jewel robbery in Philadelphia.”

  I looked over my shoulder.

  “Go away,” I said. “We found the camels straying, and are now in the act of restoring them to their rightful owners.”

  Berry continued to soliloquize.

  “It is understood that a further ind
ictment for perjury will be preferred, in view of the hideous lies with which the accused sought to palliate their abominable behaviour. The thanks of the community as a whole are due to Major Pleydell, but for whose prompt action and fearless sense of duty these desperate characters might still be at large. Seriously, if I wasn’t here, you’d be for it, you two. I don’t know what on earth you’ve been doing, but judging from Adèle’s headgear, I associate you with that Handley-Page we were looking at. I must hear all about it at dinner. And now listen. It’s a great deal more than you deserve, but my car’s at Mena, as well as the General’s. I’ll ride on and tell the driver to expect you and to take you to Cairo just as quick as he can. Hand the camels over to one of those guide fellows on the right, and sprint for Mena House for all you’re worth.”

  The next moment he was gone in a flurry of sand.

  By this time we were under the shade of the Great Pyramid, and the ground was hard. I slid off somehow, and Adèle took a flying leap into my arms, as the natives to whom I had beckoned came running up. As we ran down the slope to Mena House, Berry met and passed us at the canter. By way of greeting he just raised his eyes to heaven.

  A moment later we were in the car and stealing along the long straight road that leads to Giseh.

  Carefully I wrapped the rugs about Adèle lest she should take cold.

  Berry helped himself to another glass of port.

  “The point,” he said, “is this. Am I a deus ex machina or not?”

  “That,” said I, “was your role this afternoon. But I wish you’d tell me what you told the General.”

  “Suffice it that I beguiled him.”

  I sighed.

  “When you are secretive,” I said, “I become uneasy. Any unusual action on your part is a sure sign of mischief. To take am extreme example, if you took to drinking water, I should leave the country.”

  My brother-in-law smiled.

  “Since you press me,” he said, with a yawn, “I told him the truth.”

  “You didn’t?”

  He nodded.

  “Names and all. Said you’d pinched the camels and ridden them, knowing them to have been stolen. I added that you suffered from delusions, and that this afternoon you thought you were Abraham. Adèle was acting under your coercion. He was rather wild at first, but he’s mad on Bridge, and when I told him you were one of the best players in the United Kingdom, he got quite chirpy. You’re going to make a four at the Turf Club tomorrow evening.”