It's All About Him

by Colette Caddle

  'So where were you two?' she asked, hugging her son.

  'I went to Sunday school with Auntie Julia and then me and Conor went to a football match and then Conor brought me for fish and chips,' Sam paused for breath and grinned at her, 'and then we went to the movies.'

  'Wow, you have had a busy day. What film did you go and see?'

  'Cars, it was ace.'

  'Did you say thank you to Conor?'

  'Thanks, Conor,' Sam said obediently.

  'You're welcome, champ.'

  'Can I watch some telly, Mum?'

  'Just for a few minutes and then it's bath time,' Dee said as she cut up some peppers, courgettes and a red onion to accompany their steaks.

  'I thought you'd be sending out for a curry tonight,' Conor said when Sam was sitting in front of Thomas the Tank Engine munching his snack.

  'I already had some for lunch,' Dee admitted with a grin. 'Lisa and I went down to Better Books.'

  'You must be one of a very small minority that can go out to eat their own food,' he observed. 'How come Lisa came over? Did she and Ger have a row?'

  'No, he was playing golf so she was at a loose end and I felt too miserable to work.' Dee quartered three potatoes, put them on a baking tray with the other vegetables, drizzled olive oil over them, and carried the tray to the oven.

  Conor was standing at the counter scanning the Sunday papers, only half his attention on her. 'That was nice.'

  'I had a bit of a shock this morning and I needed to talk to someone,' she told him quietly after she'd checked that Sam was too engrossed in his programme to hear her. 'Neil was here.'

  'Neil?' Conor looked up, frowning.

  Dee nodded towards Sam. 'Yes, Neil.'

  Conor's eyes widened. 'His dad?' he mouthed.

  Dee nodded.

  'What did he want?'

  'I'll have to fill you in later,' Dee said, washing her hands. 'Okay, Sam, time for your bath.'

  It was nearly an hour later before she came back downstairs and Conor immediately switched off the TV and came to stand beside her as she turned on the gas and heated a drop of olive oil in a frying pan. He had opened the wine he had brought and left her glass by the cooker. Dee hadn't planned on drinking tonight but after the day she'd had, she felt in need of fortification. She took a sip and smiled at him. 'Thanks, this is lovely.'

  'So, tell me what happened,' he urged her.

  She didn't need to ask what he was talking about. 'He saw that photo of me and Sam in the paper,' Dee explained, taking two fillet steaks out of the fridge and adding them to the pan. 'Sam is the image of his dad and between that and Sam's age, it wasn't exactly hard for him to figure it out.'

  'So what does he want?'

  Dee sighed. 'To get to know him.'

  Conor watched her closely. 'And how do you feel about that?'

  'Angry, scared, worried,' she admitted.

  'He can't take him away from you; you're Sam's mother and you raised him.'

  'It's not just that,' she said, turning the steaks.

  'Then what is it?'

  'It's a long story. Let me finish this first and I'll explain.'

  Conor wandered back over to the TV and switched on Sky News while Dee quickly cooked the meat and then made gravy with the juices in the pan and some wine.

  'It's ready,' she called five minutes later as she carried the plates to the table.

  'Thanks.'

  Dee topped up his wine glass and left the bottle beside him.

  Conor eyed her full glass. 'Aren't you drinking?'

  'I'm still recovering from last night,' she admitted, taking a small sip. 'I'm out of practice; my body can't handle that much alcohol any more. Once we'd eaten our curry, Lisa was all set to start again.' Dee shook her head. 'I don't know how she does it.'

  Conor said nothing, concentrating on his steak.

  'Is it cooked okay for you?'

  Conor looked from his plate to her and then laid down his knife and fork. 'It's fine, Dee, but would you please just tell me what's going on?'

  'There's nothing going on, Conor,' she assured him, 'but there is a lot about Neil I haven't told you.'

  'Go on.'

  'I told you we split up when we were travelling in Greece but I didn't tell you why.'

  'He knew about Sam and didn't want him, did he?' Conor's fingers tightened around his wine glass.

  'No, no, he didn't know about Sam, neither did I.'

  'Then what?'

  'Look, it's a long story and I need to start at the beginning so you understand. I first met Neil at a dance when I was just seventeen. I hadn't had a real boyfriend before; I was quite shy. But with Neil it was different; I felt I'd known him all my life. He was three years older than me and seemed so mature, so sure of himself. I couldn't believe he was interested in me.'

  Conor said nothing but his mouth settled into a grim line.

  Dee didn't really notice. She had drifted back into her past. 'After Mum died, Dad was devastated and shut himself off from everyone, including me.'

  'That was when you were nine?'

  She nodded. 'I know he loved me but he just couldn't seem to function properly any more. It was as though once she had died, his life stopped too. He spent all of his time working and left Aunt Pauline to raise me.'

  'Poor you.'

  Dee smiled. 'She wasn't so bad. She organized my school uniform, bought me my first bra, God help me, and went to parent-teacher meetings. She was fine when it came to practicalities but no good at the emotional stuff. If I was upset about anything she'd tell me to pull myself together, and if I did anything she didn't agree with she'd tell me that my mother would be turning in her grave.'

  'I can't imagine you ever being in trouble,' Conor said.

  'I wasn't really,' Dee agreed. 'I was a total mouse at school but Pauline was very strict and if I as much as raised my voice she'd let me have it.'

  'I've only met her twice but she struck me as a very cold woman.'

  'Yes, but I think that's just the way she is,' Dee said reasonably. 'She could have left Dad to cope with me and God knows how I would have turned out.'

  'If she had, he would have had to get his act together and realize that he had a daughter to rear,' Conor retorted.

  Dee shrugged but she was touched at the anger he felt on her behalf. 'Well, we'll never know. Anyway, the point is that Neil was the first one to show me any kind of love since Mum died and I adored him.'

  'Your knight in shining armour?'

  'Something like that.' She smiled at the memory and the jealousy in Conor's tone. Maybe he did really love her after all. Maybe having Neil back on the scene would make him realize how much.

  'So?'

  She looked up, realizing he was waiting for her to continue. 'Sorry. Neil had also lost his father when he was young so he knew what it was like for me. The year after we met, I did my leaving certificate and was due to start university the following October. I wasn't bothered either way but Pauline pushed it and Dad agreed, so I decided to go along with it and applied for English literature in all the main universities. It suited me, really, as I hadn't a clue what I wanted to do with my life and it bought me more time.'

  'So you went off to college.'

  Dee shook her head. 'No. The week before the exam results came out, Dad dropped dead of a heart attack.'

  Conor instinctively reached over and squeezed her hand. 'I knew he'd died before Sam came along, but I didn't know it was that long ago. My God, you lost them both so young.'

  Dee smiled sadly. 'I suppose I was unlucky. Anyway, Aunt Pauline organized the funeral, packed his clothes off to the charity shop and then started talking about college again.' She shrugged. 'Well, to be honest, I hardly knew my own name at the time, let alone what I wanted to do. The morning the results came out I even forgot to go and collect them!'

  'So how did you do?'

  'Pretty good and I got offers of a place in three universities.' She laughed. 'For once, Aunt Pauline couldn't accu
se me of letting my mum down.'

  'But you didn't accept any of them.'

  Dee shook her head. 'I intended to; I needed to do something and I just had to get out of this house and that's when Neil had the idea. He said we should take a year out and travel, that it would give me time to get over Dad's death and a chance to really think about what I wanted to do with my future.'

  'What did he do?' Conor asked.

  'He worked in his uncle's shop and absolutely hated it; he'd been talking about leaving for ages.'

  'So this was the perfect opportunity. You don't mind me asking, Dee, but did your dad leave you much in his will?'

  Dee shook her head. 'He left me this place and just under twenty thousand. Neil wanted me to sell the house but I couldn't bring myself to. Aunt Pauline had always said how much my mother loved the place. We had only moved here the year before she died and she had great plans to renovate it and extend it, but once she died, Dad didn't bother. It was a miserable old house back then and I hated it, but I knew I couldn't part with it, not when it meant so much to her.' She shrugged. 'Anyway, there was enough cash to ensure we could go and see the world and that's what we decided to do.'

  'Did Neil have any money of his own?' Conor said shrewdly.

  'Not a lot, no, and I know what you're thinking but you're wrong. Neil cared for me back then and if I hadn't had him I'm not sure I'd have got through it all.'

  'Okay, sorry, go on.'

  'So we finally set off on our travels the December after Dad died; that would have been 1998. We went to the States first, travelled the length and breadth of it. It was truly wonderful. It was like I'd been living in black and white and suddenly I'd been transformed into full, glorious, Technicolor.' Dee pushed away her half-eaten dinner and took a sip of her wine. 'I think that was the first time I was truly happy since Mum died.

  Everything was perfect until we got to Las Vegas. I wasn't that keen on the place but Neil loved it and long after I went to bed, he'd be down in the casino. At first it didn't bother me but then he started to lose some serious money and I got worried. Finally, when he lost really heavily one night, I convinced him to move on and we crossed the border to a motel in Arizona. After a couple of days I realized that he kept making excuses to go off on his own and he finally admitted that he had been going back across the Colorado river to a small town just inside the Nevada border to play the slot machines.' She sighed. 'I went ballistic. I told him that either we left the States immediately or we were finished. He finally agreed but persuaded me I wasn't ready to go home yet and that we should spend some time in Europe first.'

  'How long had you been away?'

  Dee frowned. 'About sixteen months.'

  'And weren't you homesick?'

  Dee laughed. 'I didn't have a home, not really. There was just this place and I certainly didn't miss it or Aunt Pauline nagging me all the time. Apart from Lisa, Neil was the only one who mattered and I didn't want to lose him.'

  'So you went to Europe.'

  'Yeah, we started off in France, then moved down to Spain, then Morocco, Tunisia and then back up to Greece.'

  'Over what time frame?'

  Dee counted it up on her fingers. 'About two years. I turned twenty-two the November before I returned to Ireland.'

  His eyes widened. 'I had no idea you were away for so long.'

  'It certainly wasn't the plan, but I suppose we were afraid to come back to reality.'

  'Did things improve when you went to Europe?'

  'Initially, yes, but it didn't last long.' She shook her head. 'Neil had been bitten by the gambling bug and every so often I would catch him sneaking off to a betting office or playing poker with the locals. I didn't tell him I knew, though; I suppose I realized even then that he couldn't help himself so I'd just suggest it was time to move on.' She paused to take another drink, the glass trembling slightly in her hand.

  'We were in Crete and it was coming up to Easter when things finally came to a head. We were arguing about what to do next; I wanted to go home but Neil wanted to go to Egypt. He said we should give ourselves one more month and finally I agreed. Then I got this awful stomach bug and I was really sick for almost a week. Neil was great. He took me to the doctor, went to the chemist for my prescriptions, and looked after me so well. He was really kind and it was the closest we'd been in months. He stayed in the room with me all of the time and, believe me, it was a tiny room. At this stage we could only afford to rent the tiniest, dingiest places.

  'One evening I told him to go out and get something to eat and just take a break. I was a lot better but I had no real interest in food and I knew he must be starving. He didn't want to go but in the end he agreed, promising he'd be back within the hour. I fell asleep and I woke up at about eleven, nearly four hours after he'd gone out and he wasn't there. I had my suspicions but at the same time I was worried because he'd been so good to me and so caring and I just didn't believe he'd have left me to go gambling. I decided to go downstairs and have a look around. I was pretty unsteady and light-headed but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until I was sure that he was safe.

  'There was no sign of him anywhere in the hotel or outside and I was about to go back to the room when I met one of the staff. He was laughing and telling me that I'd be moving to a four-star hotel in the morning because Neil was on a winning streak. I asked him where he was and he gave me directions.'

  Dee had to stop and swallow hard as she remembered that awful night. 'I thought I must have got the directions wrong because I was heading out of the town and it was dark and deserted and obviously a poor area. I felt a bit nervous and I decided to go back when I heard a huge cheer. I followed the sound and suddenly I was in a square and there were thirty or forty people crowded around, screaming, shouting and whistling. I pushed my way through and then I saw them.' She shuddered and closed her eyes. 'It was a cock fight. It was nearly over by the time I arrived, one of the cocks was covered in blood and its eye was hanging out, the other wasn't much better.'

  'Jesus!' Conor muttered.

  'Neil was there, right in the thick of it. He had a bunch of notes in his hand and was jumping up and down like a madman but it was the wild look in his eyes that really scared me. I knew then that he had a problem and there was nothing I could do or say to fix it. I went back to the hotel and packed.'

  'Did you not see him before you left, to confront him?' Conor asked.

  'Oh, yes,' she said with a twisted smile. 'I was determined to explain to him why I was leaving and why we were finished. I suppose I thought it might bring him to his senses and he would get help.'

  'But he didn't?'

  'He said he would, he said he was sorry, he cried, we both cried, and he begged me not to leave until the next day. He said I was too weak to travel and that I should get some sleep before I faced the journey. I was tired and miserable and very weak and I realized he was right; there was no reason to leave in the middle of the night. The next morning when I woke he was gone and he'd taken all of our cash, a ring he'd bought me in San Francisco and my dad's watch with him.'

  'The bastard! What did you do? Did you go to the police?'

  She shook her head. 'I was too embarrassed and humiliated. Luckily I still had my credit card and so I could pay for my flight home.'

  He sat back in his chair, shaking his head. 'I can't believe it.'

  'Yeah, well, it took me a while to believe it myself. I knew he had a problem but I never thought for a second that he would actually steal from me.'

  'I can't believe he had the nerve to show up here today.' Conor stood up suddenly and started to pace. 'What is it, is he looking for more money? He saw your face in the paper and thought you were good for another few bob?'

  She shook her head. 'No, at least I don't think so. He says he's stopped gambling and he's now running his own business, he was driving this very flashy car and he did seem changed, more mature and in control. And he gave me my money back, with interest.'

  'So you be
lieve him?' Conor shot her an incredulous look.

  'I really don't know what to believe,' Dee said, slumping back in her chair. Suddenly she felt exhausted as if she'd run a marathon. Conor was studying her silently. 'What?'

  'You need to be very careful, Dee.' His voice was quiet but she could hear the fury in his words. 'All you know about this man is what he's told you and he hasn't got a great history when it comes to honesty, has he?'

  'No,' she agreed, 'but then he hasn't asked me for anything and he gave me my money back.'

  'But he's asked to meet Sam,' Conor pointed out.

  'Yes.' She chewed on her thumbnail anxiously. 'And though I don't want to stop Sam from getting to know his father I'm afraid of Neil letting him down the way he let me down.'

  'And you're instincts are spot on,' he said, leaning forward and staring into her face. 'Sam's done just fine with you up until now; he doesn't need a father.'

  'But if I send Neil away and Sam finds out about it when he's ten or fifteen or twenty-five he may never forgive me.'

  'And if you let him into Sam's life he might hurt him. Why take the chance?'

  Dee sighed. 'It's not that easy. I lost my mum when I was only nine and I know how much I missed her, still miss her. How can I deprive Sam of one of his parents?'

  Conor gripped her hands in his. 'It's not the same at all. You knew your mother, you had her for nine years! There was someone for you to miss, but Sam's never known any different. Look at him, Dee, he's a very happy little boy.'

  Dee smiled. 'He is, isn't he?'

  'Yes, and that's all down to you.' Conor touched her cheek tenderly. 'You're a fantastic mum and what makes you even more special is that you had no one to learn from.' He leaned across the table and kissed her lightly.

  Dee's eyes glistened with tears. 'Thank you, that means a lot.'

  'So what are you going to do?'

  'I don't know, but I don't want to talk about it any more, is that okay?'

  He nodded. 'Maybe you should sleep on it.'

  She smiled, standing up and taking his hand. 'Maybe we both should.'

  Chapter 10