It's All About Him

by Colette Caddle

  'Please yourself, but just don't let the kids near it.' Dee took the empty packet, crushed it into a ball and threw it into a bin. 'Do you know how big an insult it is that you prefer that crap to my homemade soup?'

  'Don't nag, Dee, it'll give you wrinkles.'

  Dee threw a cloth at her. 'So where are you going tonight anyway?'

  'I'm not sure yet if Ger is free; he's got a lot on at the moment, but if he is I thought we could go to the Italian restaurant down in Swords.'

  Dee raised an eyebrow. 'Council workers do overtime on a Friday night?'

  Lisa laughed. 'Maybe not all of them but Ger sometimes does.'

  Dee spread a thin layer of butter on a piece of soda bread still warm from the oven and pushed it towards Lisa. 'It might kill the taste of the soup.'

  'If I can't get into my new jeans tonight it will be your fault.' Lisa took a bite and grinned at her. 'I don't know about your funny soup but your bread is yummy.'

  'I'll be puréeing the soup for the kids – you could have some of that later.'

  'You just don't give up, do you?' Lisa headed for the door with her mug. 'Are you coming?'

  'Sorry?' Dee looked blank.

  'Martha's got a doctor's appointment in half an hour, remember?'

  'Oh, damn, I completely forgot.' Dee pushed her hair out of her eyes.

  'If it's a problem, I could call the agency—'

  Dee shook her head. 'No, just let me finish up here and I'm all yours.'

  'Are you sure? You seem a bit flustered.'

  Dee's smile was as bright as it was false. 'No, I'm fine.'

  Dee ran through her list of jobs for the afternoon. There was still a lot of food to prepare for Better Books for the weekend. The only way she could get it all done was if she got some work done this evening after Sam had gone to bed. Conor wouldn't be too impressed. Friday night was their night and they usually got a takeaway, a bottle of wine and watched a video. Then they had an early night. Sometimes they never even made it as far as the bedroom; the sofa was amazingly comfortable.

  She'd have to call him and cancel. Maybe it was just as well. Things had been slightly strained all week with Neil silently coming between them. Dee knew that Conor would love her to tell Neil to go to hell but she couldn't do that. She wasn't sure what to do; she just wanted to do what was best for Sam, if only she could figure out what that was.

  Lisa kept nagging her to go and see Neil's mother, Peggy, until Dee felt that she might scream, but she couldn't tell Lisa why that was impossible. She knew at some stage she'd have to find people who were able to corroborate Neil's story but first she needed to talk to him and be sure that his intentions were truly honourable. It would be a lot easier to send him away and it would certainly make Lisa and Conor happy but she owed it to Sam to give Neil a chance. If she decided that father and son shouldn't meet, she wanted to be able to look Sam in the eye in later life and explain why.

  Despite the huge amount of work that lay ahead of Dee and the worries crowding her brain, she totally enjoyed her afternoon with the children. When they went out to the garden, she spent all of her time running, chasing, lifting and swinging and it did her as much good as the children.

  'And you wonder why I don't go to the gym,' Lisa said, when they'd come inside and settled the children down for a nap before tea time.

  'I'm convinced, more than ever, that you eat too much crap,' Dee retorted. 'If you stuck to my food every day you'd be a size ten in no time.'

  Lisa's eyes twinkled. 'Who wants to be a size ten? Ger likes curves.'

  Now, as the last child was collected and Sam had gone up to his room to play, the two girls wiped, swept and tidied the toys away. 'You go on and get ready for your night out,' Dee said, 'I'll mop over the floors.'

  'Great, thanks, Dee.' Lisa gathered all of her belongings together and shrugged on her jacket. 'Are you going out tonight?'

  Dee thought of the mountain of work ahead of her but she wasn't going to tell Lisa about it, the girl would only be consumed with guilt. 'No, I think I'll just have a quiet night in.'

  'Is Conor coming over?' Lisa persisted.

  'Yeah, he'll probably drop by later,' Dee said, though she'd already called Conor to tell him she was working.

  'Okay then, have a good weekend, see you Monday.' Lisa gave Dee a quick hug.

  'Have a good time,' Dee called, locking the front door after her and going to fetch the mop.

  When she'd finished in the crèche, Dee quickly made some beans on toast and called her son.

  'Beans!' His little face lit up when he saw his tea.

  'Hands first, please,' Dee said and lifted him up so he could reach into the cavernous Belfast sink and wash his hands.

  He sat up at the table and she poured milk into his cup before fetching her tea and taking the seat opposite him. 'Did you have fun today, Sam?'

  He nodded, his mouth already full of toast. 'I like it when you come to play with us, Mum.'

  Immediately Dee was filled with guilt. 'But you have fun with Lisa and Martha and the other children, don't you?'

  'Yeah, but it's even better when you're there too. Can we play a game after tea?'

  'Sorry, darling, I have to work.'

  His face fell. 'Ah, Mum, but it's Friday.'

  Sam got to stay up a bit later at the weekend and Dee usually played junior Scrabble or Snakes and Ladders with him before bedtime.

  'Sorry darling,' she said again, 'but I'm trying to get all my work finished tonight so that we can have the whole weekend together.'

  'What are we going to do?' he said excitedly. 'Are we going somewhere nice?'

  Dee hadn't thought that far ahead. 'You'll just have to wait and see.'

  'Ah, Mum!'

  'Eat your tea and you can have some Buttons and watch a video while I clean up.'

  'Is Conor coming over?'

  'No, not tonight.'

  'Why not?'

  'I told you, I have to work.'

  'But he could come and play with me,' Sam persisted.

  'Sam, I told you, he's not coming,' Dee snapped.

  Sam's bottom lip started to tremble.

  'Look, Sam,' Dee said impatiently, 'grown-ups can't always drop what they're doing just to play with children; we're very busy.'

  Sam climbed down from the table and went to the door.

  'Where are you going?'

  'Upstairs.'

  'Don't you want to stay here with me?'

  He looked at her, unblinking. 'Sorry, I'm busy.'

  Dee listened to him stomp upstairs and sighed. 'Well, that's telling me.'

  It was almost ten o'clock when Lisa followed Ger into the crowded pub and she grimaced when she saw there was a gang of his cronies from work in the corner and it was patently obvious they'd been there for some time. Now not only was she not getting a nice meal out – he'd convinced her to go for a burger and fries instead – but they weren't even going to have some time alone together. 'Let's sit at the bar,' she whispered in his ear, trying to drag him back.

  'We can't do that, it would be rude,' he said, pulling her after him. 'Hey, everyone, you know Lisa.'

  Lisa nodded hello and got some garbled responses and waves in return.

  'Well, did she feed ya?' one of the lads jeered.

  'Shut up, PJ, and buy a round,' Ger retorted.

  'I will not, it's your round,' the man protested and belched loudly.

  'So what did you make him, love?' A girl with strawberry blonde hair and thick horn-rimmed glasses moved up on the seat and patted the space beside her. 'Was it the shepherd's pie or the lasagne tonight?'

  'Don't mind her, Lisa,' Ger said reddening. 'She's had one or twenty too many.'

  'My mother always said', the girl continued, 'the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I think it's quite nice that he goes home for his dinner every night.'

  Lisa stiffened and raised an eyebrow at Ger. 'We don't live together.'

  'And you still cook for him?' The loudmouthed PJ
roared with laughter. 'Nice one, Ger.'

  Lisa was seriously thinking of walking out and leaving Ger with his revolting workmates when she saw Conor Fitzgerald sitting at the bar alone. 'Excuse me for a minute,' she said and left, brushing past Ger. 'Hey, Conor, how's it going?'

  'Lisa!' His face split into a wide grin. 'Fancy seeing you here.' He took his jacket off the stool beside him and pushed it towards her.

  'Where's Dee, in the loo?' she asked as she climbed up beside him.

  'No, I'm on my own, she's working tonight.'

  Lisa frowned. 'She is?'

  It was Conor's turn to look confused. 'Isn't she?'

  Lisa sighed. 'Probably. She stood in for Martha this afternoon to help me out. She said it was no problem but it obviously was. Sorry, Conor.'

  'Hey, don't worry about it. I don't think she was feeling very sociable anyway. I tell you what, have a drink with me and I'll forgive you.'

  'Gladly.' Lisa looked back at where Ger and his pals were huddled in the corner, laughing uproariously. 'A bottle of lager, please.'

  'So why do you think she didn't want to go out tonight?' Lisa asked after he'd bought her drink and settled back on the stool beside her.

  'Well, I suppose it hasn't exactly been an easy week for her.'

  'You mean with Neil showing up.'

  Conor inclined his head and lifted his pint. 'Cheers.'

  'Cheers.' She took a sip. 'It must have been a bit of a shock all right.'

  Conor, a man of few words, nodded again.

  'I told her she should check him out a bit more before she makes her decision. I mean, how are we to know he's really changed his ways?'

  'You knew him before, didn't you?'

  Lisa nodded. 'Yeah, we met him at a dance in town. Dee's dad didn't really like strangers in the house and Neil lived on the other side of the city so they used to meet in town or they'd end up hanging out at my house.'

  'What was he like?' Conor asked.

  Lisa smiled. 'Fun. Dee was a different person when he came along.' Suddenly realizing who she was talking to, Lisa clapped a hand to her mouth. 'Sorry.'

  Conor smiled reassuringly. 'Don't be silly.'

  'It's just that she was always such a serious kid. I mean, first she loses her mum and then she's left to rattle around that bloody house on her own all day.'

  'I thought she spent a lot of time with Pauline?'

  'Not at all,' Lisa scoffed. 'Pauline would phone to make sure she'd done her homework or to check that she'd ironed her uniform or to warn her to go to bed early but she only saw her once a week and that was to take her to Mass on Sunday.'

  'I didn't know that,' Conor said quietly.

  Lisa shrugged. 'Dee doesn't talk much about those days, why would she? Anyway, we met Neil during our last school year and they hit it off straight away. Pauline would have gone mental if she'd known they were dating when she was supposed to be studying for her exams. Once we finished school, though, and the heat was off, we had a great summer until . . .'

  'Mr Hewson died.'

  Lisa sighed. 'It was awful and, of course, Pauline was as tactless and overbearing as usual.'

  'So Neil talked her into going to the US.'

  Lisa nodded. 'I thought he was right at the time but I had no idea that they would stay away for so long. Still, if she hadn't gone, Pauline would probably have driven her nuts.'

  'And she wouldn't have had Sam.'

  'True.'

  'Lisa? Lisa, come over here, will you?'

  Lisa looked up as Ger beckoned her over and climbed down from her stool with an apologetic smile. 'Sorry, Conor, got to get back. Thanks for the drink.' She reached up to kiss his cheek and then went back to sit with Ger.

  Chapter 12

  Dee was just tidying the kitchen when a rat-tat-tat-tat on the back door made her jump. It was almost eleven o'clock, who the hell would be coming visiting at this hour?

  'Dee? It's me, Conor.'

  Relieved, she opened the door and stood back to let him in. 'You scared the life out of me.'

  'Sorry.' He leaned against the wall and glanced at all the steaming containers on the counter top. 'You've been busy.'

  'Yeah, just finished. Want a cuppa or something stronger?'

  'Just a coffee, please. I had a couple of pints down the pub.'

  'Oh, yeah, anyone interesting there?' Dee put on a kettle for his coffee.

  'Lisa and Ger and a very loud crowd from his work.'

  'Poor Lisa, she thought they were going out for a meal tonight.'

  'Ha! That miserable bastard, she'll be lucky if he bought her a packet of peanuts.'

  'Were you talking to them?'

  'Just with Lisa for a few minutes. Ger asked me to join them but I dragged myself away. I wanted to check you were okay.'

  'Why wouldn't I be?'

  He shrugged. 'It's just that we haven't had much of a chance to talk this week.'

  'I've been busy,' she said, conscious of the defensive note in her voice.

  'Me too,' he said, accepting the mug of coffee from her and sitting down. 'Thanks.'

  Dee shot him an apologetic smile. 'Sorry, I haven't been much company lately, have I?'

  Conor stretched out his long legs in front of him. 'You've a lot on your mind.'

  'Doesn't everyone?'

  'We don't all have ex-partners turning up on our doorstep. Have you heard any more from him?'

  The question was casual but Dee could hear the concern in his tone. Maybe Lisa was right, maybe he was jealous. The thought comforted Dee. 'He hasn't been in touch but then he said he wouldn't be. He gave me his mobile number so I could call him if or when I was ready.'

  'He's playing this perfectly, isn't he?'

  Dee frowned. 'Playing?'

  'He's sorry, he's reformed, he's rich and he's not pushing you for an answer.' He shrugged. 'Isn't it all a bit too good to be true?'

  Definitely jealous, Dee decided. 'Are you saying I shouldn't let him meet Sam?'

  He shook his head. 'No, not at all, I'm just saying you should tread carefully.'

  'I thought that was exactly what I was doing,' Dee said tightly.

  Conor nodded curtly. 'I'm sorry, you're right of course. And I should just mind my own business.' He put his coffee down and stood up.

  'That's not what I said; it's not what I meant!' Dee shook her head in frustration. 'I just feel you're judging me. You seem to have decided, firstly, that he's trying to con me and, secondly, that I'm going to be fooled. Well, Conor, he fooled me once and I can promise you he won't do it again. Having said that if there's a chance that he could be a good father to Sam I will do everything I can to make that happen.'

  Conor sighed. 'Sorry, I was out of line. Now, it's late and we're both tired. I'll go.'

  'Please don't,' Dee said, immediately sorry for lashing out.

  'I have an early start in the morning.' He bent his head to kiss her lightly on the lips and headed for the door. 'Don't forget to lock up. Goodnight, Dee.'

  'Goodnight.' She closed the door after him, turned the key in the lock and went upstairs to check on Sam. He was out cold, his skin pale in the glow from the nightlight, his hair an untidy cloud around his face. Dee stood looking at him for a few moments before bending to kiss him. Then, gently, she pulled the duvet up over his shoulders and crept out of the room.

  She often wondered if it was the same with every parent but she was physically incapable of being near her sleeping child without kissing him and she couldn't walk by him without resting a hand on his hair or shoulder. She had this impulsion to touch him at every opportunity and thankfully he hadn't reached an age yet where he objected.

  She dreaded the day when he would shrink from holding her hand or cringe when she kissed him in public; it would be like a knife through the heart. Maybe she was unnaturally close to Sam because it was just the two of them but she would never know for sure. What she did know was that she would do anything for him regardless of the cost to herself.

  C
onor walked into the café the next morning, ordered coffee and two scones, and spread out his newspaper. He was halfway through his first scone when his father came through from the shop.

  'I thought you'd be having your morning break with the chef,' he said, his eyes twinkling.

  'Thanks to you I'm not seeing much of the chef at all,' Conor retorted.

  'What does it have to do with me?' Ronan scratched his head, puzzled.

  'She seems to be cooking around the clock and she said something about working on new dishes for you.'

  Ronan frowned. 'I didn't mean to add to her workload, I thought she'd be glad of the extra money.'

  'She is, and she's not complaining,' Conor quickly assured him, 'I am. I'm a bit worried about her to be honest, Dad. She's under a lot of pressure at the moment.'

  'She has seemed preoccupied lately,' Ronan agreed, 'and a bit stressed.'

  'I think she's exhausted,' Conor said. 'She should really take on extra help. I mean, if she came down with flu or something what would you do?'

  'I hadn't thought of that,' Ronan admitted.

  'If you had a word with her—'

  'Me?'

  Conor nodded. 'She'd accept that from you because it's business; if I said it she'd think I was interfering.'

  'Really?' Ronan looked at his son curiously.

  Conor grinned. 'Have a word, Dad, for all of our sakes.'

  It was several days and Dee still hadn't mentioned the new dishes that she was supposedly working on so Ronan decided it was as good an excuse as any to drop in and see her. As usual, her kitchen was warm and full of wonderful aromas although now there was also an easel set up in the corner.

  'Are you extending your repertoire, or is young Sam starting early?'

  Dee followed his gaze and laughed. 'No, worse; I'm posing for Vi.'

  Ronan's eyes widened. 'How did she talk you into that?'

  'I'm not too sure,' Dee admitted, 'but I'm giving it three days tops and then she's out.'

  'We'll see. Vi is a bit like dandruff; relatively harmless but impossible to get rid of.'

  Dee laughed. 'You wouldn't dare say that to her face.'

  He held up his hands. 'Do I look stupid?'

  Dee set a pot of tea and a plate of scones on the table and sat down opposite him.

  'Well, what can I do for you, Ronan?'