GOLEM 100

by Alfred Bester

  Shima croaked.

  Ind’dni spoke slowly and distinctly. “Doctor, you killed Lafferty in self-defense.”

  Shima stared. Ind’dni nodded. “That is my version for Legal. You saw him strangle Winifred Ashley with the choke collar. He arose from her body with chain in hand. You feared you would be next to be murdered by this insane creature, and rightly so, for you were sole witness. So you killed him in self-defense. Homicide found corpse with chain in hand. Quod erat demonstrandum.”

  Shima’s head wobbled dazedly. “But— But you’re always so—so—such pure, unadulterated cop.”

  Ind’dni sighed. “Alas, the Western world can never fathom our values, which is why you have always failed in India.” His tone turned brisk. “Now come, doctor. There is Miz Nunn to consider. Last bulletin informs that she is enroute to P.L.O. pyramid to negotiate a contract on Miz Ashley. I have had death of latter much publicized through Media to forestall madame’s involvement with the PloFather, but am informed that the pyramid admits no current news. We must go in person.”

  “Informed? How?”

  Ind’dni clicked his tongue again. “Has not that remarkable woman told you that once she enabled a P.L.O. girl to elope with a Christian infidel?”

  “No. She did?”

  “She did, at great personal risk. The girl is still grateful.”

  “And this P.L.O. girl is your source?”

  “No, her husband is. The infidel is precinct chess champion I mentioned previous. Now we must act quickly, Dr. Shima. I cannot send staff; they would never gain entrance. We may, on our own recognizances. The PloFather is a dangerous woman, and Miz Nunn may find herself webbed in disaster attempting to bargain for the murder of someone already demised.”

  “But wait a minute, Subadar. Doesn’t the death of the Queen Bee mean the end of the Golem? Won’t that solve all our problems? That was Gretchen’s theory.”

  Ind’dni was exasperated. “Do not plague me, I beg, doctor. You have just joined the pieces of yourself together at a frightful cost. And now you ask me to put all other pieces of this deadly crisis together? Instantly? And at what price? Come, please!”

  When a commune loses its queen, the subjects lose all sense of order. They become distracted, irritable, aggressive, and begin to cluster in desperation. Occasional loners may join the cluster, kindled by the angry vibrations. Occasional “false queens” may try to take over the commune but are treated with a mixture of token respect and impatient hostility. Only a true queen can win true respect and gather the cluster into another ordered commune. But to generate a true queen, a royal home and royal food must be provided, and then she must be coaxed out to be mated by the world.

  He’s dead he’s dead and the piebald son of a bitch never got around to changing his will like he kept threatening I’m burning a fancy number where she’s taking it up the ass and he’s on one knee what are you burning Yenta oh lovely she’s taking it in her tits while he’s standing on his head let’s all go to India drink up drink up use the ear trumpets for glasses just shove your thumb over the ear end and fill up drink up he’s dead the bastard black and white for Christ’s sake Mary how long does it take to get a walking stick fire going never mind the gold heads let’m burn and melt just knock their noses off Sarah but save the Nell Gwyn mask for me I want to do a special number on her Pi-face what the hell are you doing here yes yes we know Regina’s dead it’s all over the Guff we know we know you don’t know what to do drink up girl grab a container an eyecup an ear trumpet a snuffbox fill up and drink up hey Priss got a stick between your legs at last no baby it’s no hobbyhorse and if you could straddle like that on a real stick you could teach India lessons hey here’s a wild position where they’re ouch I burned myself how’s that fire doing Mary hey Ood Ud come into the bedroom and help me lug out that damn coffin he made me lie in the son-of-a-bitch we’re going to burn it Christ it’s heavy you’re dead the black-and-white freak said you’re dead you’re not breathing your heart’s stopped beating you’re white as death Mary you’re a genius blowing it up like that help her Pi we’ll blow up all the French letters and have a balloon ascension no Ood stick the small end into the fire first it’ll fit help her swing it around Ud that goddam cedar ought to burn like crazy Christ knows how many times I did a burn in it while that piebald bastard told me I was dead I wasn’t breathing my heart stopped beating and dangling his polka-dot prick in my dead face because that was the only thing that could stiffen it hey great the coffin’s caught I wish he was in it dead or alive Jesus he was dead anyway but wouldn’t admit it but he never changed his will and I’ve got Regina to thank for that when I take over like BB said we’ll hold services for Regina every week we’ll play funeral and take turns delivering the eulogy and I’m going to have the piebald son-of-a-bitch buried at a crossroad with a stiff prick through his heart will you look at that coffin burn but the satin stinks Pi-girl you’ll come and work for me girl so don’t worry Jesus Christ look at those flames the ceiling’s caught my God three cheers the whole goddam freakhouse is going to go up and to hell with it he never changed his will I can live where I goddam please and for how much I Christly please and let’s get the hell out of here before we catch fire not that I’m not on fire already bring the French letter balloons and any other souvenirs you want from his slob collections come on to Sarah’s saloonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

  ‘Tis BEAUTY calls and GLORY shows the WAY Alexander the Great Act I Scene 3 ladies I can NOT permit us to look like this we are be-DRAGGLED we are un-BEAUT-i-ful we have failed our duty to our public we must dress to the nines and my wardrobe is yours and my dresser this is darling Norah my dresser is yours and NORAH will GARB you FITT-ingly and in character starting with me of course because I am the

  of the company sequins silver sequins Norah and slinky form-fitting with rhinestone straps Nellie of course will be GAFOOZALUM the harlot of Jerusalem put her in the belly-dancer drag no no Yenta don’t object I’ve cast you in a role that will CREAM your devoted public Norah dress Yenta Calienta in the Delilah rags but put a beard on her and turn her into Moïse Mary Mixup does the soubrette bit playing the lady’s maid of pertness and intrigue no no Pi-face you won’t be a servant in service my God these sequins scratch the boozalum you become HOBO the wandering worker and darling Norah will give you the original Hollywood costume it was a place out west in the entertainment business before it fell into itself Priss is BEAUTY in the fable the Cinderella ballgown for her Norah and Oodgedye and Udgedye will play a two-headed BEAST in fright-wigs and that eight-armed drag from Scriabin’s Kackula the Monster That Ate Nizhni Novgorod what Norah you want to join us come on then but in what role I know the BOADICEA I played in the play of the same name you can’t have the chariot it’s in some warehouse but you can spray yourself blue with the cobalt on my dressing table my god you’re all FANTASTIC ladies mag-NIF-i-cent we’re the greatest show on earth all we need is fanfares TA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DUM-DEE-DUM and we’re going to dress up like this at every meeting I hold here and where to now great Yenta’s place great great GREAT applause applause APPLAUSE curtain call curtain call curtain call bows bows BOWSSSSSSSSSSSS

  The carpenter in the nail apron making with the glue and the pegboard is Bimmy Braham my personal private rabbi say hello vos macht ir to the ladies of my colony Bimbo they’ve all heard about you which is why I’m protective I wish you all could see Bim’s kidney transplant but we didn’t have a window installed I traded a first edition of Gray’s Anatomy for it only two pages missing in the middle and the donor never noticed if he ever does and tries to repossess his kidney mazel tov is all try our vodka ladies we brew it ourselves Bimmy and me sure the restaurants give you their potato peelings and carrot tops and corncobs and wilted greens if you haul the junk away saves them garbage fees Bim and I schlep the stuff back here and ferment it and distill it and Bimbo pronounces the conjure word congener and hey presto one hundred proof redeye vodka it’s the beet skins that give it the color drink up drink up you
like the glasses huh Mary they’re my prize collection of logo plastics you get them for free advertising you know my favorite is this number from Mugative that’s the mouthwash you use and your breath is guaranteed to set a mugger’s face on fire I don’t know how they do it the miracle of modern chemistry I guess drink up drink up the redeye won’t set anything on fire but your pipiks no there’s nothing dirty or suggestive about that rug Priss it’s all innocent geometric design there was a hell of a hole in the center but Bim and I rewove it I had to trade a thundermug for the wool the mug had a crack in it but the dye in the wool ran so it all came out even drink up drink up I want to try a lobster vodka from free shells but my Bimbo won’t drink it because it isn’t kosher Bim show the two-headed monster that movie poster of Drekula we got in a trade for the makeup mirror with Sarah Heartburn Bimmy hey Bimbo-baby Roboynov shel oylom she’s smashed she’s stoned we’re all fractured jingle jangled Gottenu Bim you’re exploding the glue it’s going up like Roman candles doesn’t mix with congeners huh out out come on come on everybody out let’s buzz buzz buzz off you too Bim be with the fellas no don’t get out of your jump suit and keep the apron you’ll be in drag like the rest of us in the hive and let that hammer keep hanging from your delicious delectable divine assssssssssssssssssssssss

  No mizuzes this is not a pubic mardygrass it is a private celebration I don’t know what the vibes are for maybe for my former miztress person which she was murdered something cruel by the man person which was married to my present new miztress person of generosity oh I don’t know if you can join the vibes you’ll have to ask some person in charge but I don’t know whom she excuse me whom the person is why don’t you ask my present miztress person whom is wearing the belly-dancerrrrrrrrrr

  Hey sure the more the merrier who the hell hey are you two suckers Emily Post Mortem yeah and Joan who what Coldslaw Jesus Christ on a raft what a name Coldslaw with or without mayo have a belt have a smack Emily-Joan and take off those brassbound bras we’re too many for the Guff rape schtik off off and let the tits vibrate each way free we’re going to the two-headed monster’s pads you heard me plural with an S sure it’s got two pads it’s got two twibbies don’t it one for every two legs one for every two tits I wish I had two for one in reverse if you dig and my yancemen had two for two what a ball it would be to take it both ways from one yanceman what a ball with brave ball-busting vibrations vibrations vibrationssssssssssssssssss

  No it’s no accident we bought everything in dup

  No it’s no accident we bought everything in dup

  licate and the apartments are dupes too no I object to

  licate and the apartments are dupes too no I object to

  telling you whose apartment this is I don’t even remember

  telling you whose apartment this is I don’t even remember

  myself we’re in and out of both so much that I lose track

  myself we’re in and out of both so much that I lose track

  no we’re listed separately downstairs in security I’m

  no we’re listed separately downstairs in security I’m

  Germaine Storm we made sure to hook our husbands in dup-

  Lorraine Drang we made sure to hook our husbands in dup-

  licate too young men in grey flannel jump suits which is

  licate too young men in grey flannel jump suits which is

  why they never notice the different vibes in bed buzz buzz

  why they never notice the different vibes in bed buzz buzz

  is all the same to them and BB was wrong when she said that

  is all the same to them and BB was wrong when she said that

  they knew and liked it and Larry kept his mouth shut about

  they knew and liked it and Barry kept his mouth shut about

  the scam about the only thing we don’t dupe is the squeam

  the scam about the only thing we don’t dupe is the squeam

  scene you hard-line a joint like this see and then you

  scene you hard-line a joint like this see and then you

  have ignition and liftoff and space on a far-out buzz

  have ignition and liftoff and space on a far-out buzz

  but we’re not together on that Lorraine uses a single

  but we’re not together on that Germaine uses a double

  line and I don’t dig her style because it’s too hard you’ve

  line and I don’t dig her style because it’s too soft you’ve

  got to try it my way all you ladies buzz buzz into the far

  got to try it my way all you ladies buzz buzz into the far

  out buzz you might as well get used to it because we’ll be

  out buzz you might as well get used to it because we’ll be

  igniting and burning and spacing every time we meet here

  igniting and burning and spacing every time we meet here

  buzz buzz that’s the way we have countdown we have ig-

  buzz buzz that’s the way we have countdown we have ig-

  nition we have liftoff we have far-out buzzzzzzzzzzzz

  nition we have liftoff we have far-out buzzzzzzzzzzzz

  And these are my four roomies Dixie and Nixie and Pixie we all went to school together that’s funny Dixie that’s one Nixie that’s two Pixie that’s three how did I ever get to four oh of course I’m the fourth I forgot me Mary and Dixie and Nixie and Pixie four and we have seven husbands one apiece except one has three me I think but I’m not sure I lose count and they’re all so nice now let’s have some more drinks and squeams the liquor is in Dixie’s darkroom of course it makes sense Nell D for darkroom and D for Dixie who’s our bartender Nixie keeps the squeams in her bedroom and that makes sense too Nell because a Nixie is a female water sprite and we always shoot our smack with water I wouldn’t anybody sit on that couch please just now it’s got our prickly needly cactus plants under it because it’s their resting season and they need dark oh Yenta please don’t explore that closet oh please don’t open the door there see what you’ve done I was storing everything in that closet until we could arrange everything and now you’ve turned the whole lounge into a closet everything poured out like an avalanche and there’s no room for us now because everything’s underfoot why Pixie there’s that sleep-reader we were looking for and I could have sworn it was in the tape cabinet with the Irish music don’t be silly Nell I for intellect of course so drink up and squeam up everybody and let’s get out before we trample all the goodies and next meeting here you’ll all have to help arrange things come on everybody you too Dixie and Nixie and Pixie bring the drinkables and squeamables onward and upward to Priss no she doesn’t live high up in a penthouse really Nell you’re impossible her real name is Hilda Hayes H for heights which makes sense to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  Mummy is reviving the Victorian style which is why the palm leaves over the pictures and all the tassels and all the fringes and the skirts around the piano legs no not Victoria the fourth she was wicked she was no lady the first Victoria who was married to Prince Albert who was always the perfect gentleman Mummy says that Victoria wasn’t a perfect lady because she had bad table manners Mummy says there aren’t many ladies left and gentlemen are hard to find I do not wish to be discourteous and would be happy to entertain you all but I don’t think Mummy would like to see what you’re doing when she comes home seven-letter vibrations with each other are rude even though we are all the identical ess ee ex and when you come back for the weekly meetings Mummy will be here to chaperone and make us mind our manners so perhaps it would be best to leave now and visit BB who is a genuine lady and in every sense the perfect queen that Victoria was not I’m sure that Mummy will admire BB much more than Victoria and try to find another perfect Prince Albert for her it’s awful to be alone and wasted please please please Mummy will be back any moment let’s go to BB’s place please please please pretty pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee

  Hey you Chorley-grills you’re one hell of a corner combo great street trio ha
ve a smack on us have a blast Nell I think it would only be polite to make a contribution of appreciation Sure Prissy drop some change in their pessary Hey twins you dig the way big-tits cuddles her clarry-o-net in her cleavage you want to ride it hobby horse Mary how about that fat-ass on the horn Bimmy beats your hammer-hung ass any time Maybe Nelly-belly but could she try blasting it from her other end Have a bomb you suckers Have a blast Have a buzz Listen you want to trade your slide-horn for a squeezebox with only one key missing I HAVE IT I HAVE IT they ought to dress their act with CLOWN makeup where’s Norah NORAH DAHL-ing did you bring my coshmetics cos-meshiks Dixie didn’t we shtow a clown hit height hat in yr closet or wash it in Joaney Cabbages no she don’t room with us well you make childsloug out’ve chabbage don’t you Hey play an upbeat funeral march for the b/w bashtard Chorley-girls Wacht auf, verdammte dieser Erde I don’t think these grills speak England my Mummy says that music is the Juneversal language Hey pessary-grills you tollerday donsk you talkatiff scowegian you spiggotty angleasy you phonio saxonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn all they twig is B-flat so go on making music and come with wiz no with us to the heiths hoyts hits howls highs heights got it at last Shrrist I’m bombed we’re all bombeddd buzzzzzz bobbed bombed bombeddddddddddddddddd

  Ind’dni and Shima located Gretchen at last. They caught a glimpse of her profile through the open window of a magnificent black brougham; she was seated on the far side of the legendary PloFather, who was making one of her rare public processions. The carriage was drawn by camels, of course, and escorted by tough P.L.O. soldiers. Sheikh Omar ben Omar was up front in the open coachman’s box supervising the outing. Every so often he scattered bronze piasters to the excited crowds. An occasional scrofuletic was permitted through the cordon to be touched by the PloFather’s spidery hand. In this psychosomatic century her touch cured the King’s Evil as often as not.