A Tale Of Two Witches: Magic and Mayhem Book Five

by Robyn Peterman

  “Jeeves, the rock star.”

  “Oh right,” I said, slapping myself on the forehead to get my mind out of the gutter. “There is no way on the Goddess’s green earth that Jeeves will be any part of the shitstorm that’s brewing. He can’t defend himself against dark magic and he can’t open the freakin’ earth like Mac can. I know you asshats are pissed that I waxed your fat carcasses, but getting Jeeves killed is not going to be your payback. It’s vicious and it’s not happening.”

  “There’s a lot youse don’t know about the rock star,” Fat Bastard said, shaking his head.

  “Look, you naked skin flap,” I shouted. “I know I’m one taco short of a combo plate, but Jeeves is a no go. I can’t believe you would want to put his life at risk.”

  “Me and the boys would never do nothin’ bad to the nicest man in the world,” Jango Fett protested. “Youse got it all wrong, dollface.”

  “Explain,” I growled. “And it better be good because a vat of wax and a neutering without anesthesia has all three of your names on it.”

  “Sassy, kangaroos are the only Shifter breed in the world known for banishing demons,” Mac said gently, stepping in front of me so I didn’t violently de-ball the cats.

  “What?” I whispered, grabbing onto him so my knees didn’t buckle. “Jeeves can send demons back to Hell?”

  “That’s why he’s the only one left.” Mac’s voice was full of sadness. “He’s the last of the Marsupial Demon Slayers. I knew this when I found him and brought him here to keep him safe. The rest of his kind has been killed off.”

  Millions of questions crowded my brain as I tried to make sense of what I’d just learned. Marge’s reaction to knowing what Jeeves was now made sense. Jeeves’ pride in his last name made sense. I really wished that things would stop making sense. Figuring crap out sucked wads.

  It was so much easier being clueless. And Zelda looked as confused as I felt.

  “What in the ever loving fuck?” I shouted, blowing up a row of ceramic vases on the mantle. “How did I not know this about Jeeves?”

  “Umm… I’d just like to point out you didn’t know his last name until a few days ago,” Zelda chimed in unhelpfully.

  “While this is true and somewhat embarrassing, I think a last name is small cucumbers compared to killing demons.”

  “Potatoes,” Fat Bastard corrected me.

  “This is not the time to talk about food,” I hissed. “We have a life or death situation on our hands and I’m not happy. When I’m not happy I need to blow shit up. I really want to blow shit up right now. Are you seeing the pattern here?” I demanded, sparking like a firework.

  “I believe it’s time to summon Shit-titty,” Jeeves said, as he walked in the front door of Zelda and Mac’s house, clearly having heard the conversation.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you’re a Marsupial Demon Slayer?” I demanded, not sure if I wanted to cry, zap his ass, or hold on to him and never let go.

  “Because most don’t remember the gift of my people. It’s safer for all of us if it’s forgotten,” he said, taking me in his arms and holding me close. “If the demons knew I was alive, they’d come for me.”

  “Well, they’re gonna know after today,” I said, keeping my tears at bay with massive effort.

  He nodded and smiled. “Probably, but I have a little something that will make them forget.”

  Marge burst through the front door with my gum-smacking boys in tow. “We’re not staying,” she promised. “But you’ll need this.”

  She thrust a bottle of the green goop into my hands and kissed my forehead.

  “The goop?” I asked.

  “Yes, all you have to do is wish for goodness and justice when you spread it. Use it on the demons before Jeeves kicks them back to Hell and the Devil will be getting two angels returning instead of the despots he sent to our plane.”

  “Will this work on everyone?” I asked, hoping we could avoid a war by just sucking the dark out of everyone.

  “Brilliant thought, but no,” Marge said. “Dark magic has properties that preclude it from working that way.”

  “Then why will it work on the demons?” Zelda asked the question that was on the tip of my tongue.

  “Because them demons ain’t magic like you and Zelda,” Fat Bastard explained with a shudder rocking his fat little frame. “They’s just pure evil.”

  “Iloveyoumommydontdiepleasedontdieohandiusedyourpradadressforahanky,” Chunk said, shaking like a leaf.

  “I love you too. I have no intention of dying and if you ever use my clothes to wipe your snot again, I will kick your ass into tomorrow. Clear?”

  Everyone was silent as they stared at me in shock.

  “You actually understood that?” Zelda asked with a surprised laugh.

  “Yep. To the shock of everyone including me, I now speak French and understand Chunk. I do believe it’s time to meet my father.”

  “We have to cloak Mac, and I say we cloak Jeeves too,” Zelda said in an all business tone. “We’ll just pray to the Goddess that it holds until we need them.”

  “Not a problem,” Marge said, pushing Mac and Jeeves to the center of the room and moving everyone else back. “I didn’t get to three hundred and not know how to do a few things. Stand back everyone. I need some room.”

  “How long will it last?” I asked, thanking my lucky stars Cookie Witch was in our lives.

  She rolled up her sleeves and centered herself. “Five hours at the very least. A week at the most. If Mac and Jeeves need to drop the cloak, they probably can—not sure.”

  That was a little weird, but I didn’t care. I’d happily live with an invisible Jeeves as long as he was an alive Jeeves.

  “Ready boys?” Marge asked as a cookie scented wind blew up and made the house smell like a heavenly bakery.

  “Ready when you are,” Jeeves replied.

  Mac nodded and took his adopted son’s hand in his. “I love you, Jeeves. You make me proud to be your father.”

  “And I love you.” Jeeves hugged the man who raised him. “I’m proud to be your son.”

  “Holy shit, I’m crying here,” Zelda croaked out. “Let’s do this before I change my mind.”

  I couldn’t have agreed more.

  Then Marge spoke. And it was magic—real magic.

  Goddess on high, so splendid in your care

  What I ask of you now is specific and rare

  Please cloak our dear warriors, without them we’ll fail

  In your wisdom and love, hide them deep in the veil

  We ask this in peace for the good of our kind

  Let darkness have no clue, to these men make dark blind

  In a flash of blinding white light, Jeeves and Mac disappeared.

  “Are you still there?” I asked, reaching out to where they had stood only moments ago.

  “We are,” Jeeves disembodied voice rang out clear and strong. “I say we get this party started.”

  “Youse guys are my kind of crazy,” Fat Bastard said as his hairless posse whooped and cheered.

  “May the Goddess be with all of you,” Marge said right before she gathered my chipmunks close and poofed away in a cloud of glitter.

  We needed the Goddess to be with us. We had love and justice on our side, but a little extra bump from our creator would be nice.

  “Ready?” Zelda asked, with excitement blazing in her eyes.

  “Nope. You?” I asked as I realized I was just as insane and insanely excited as she was.

  “Goddess, no. Let’s do it then.”

  “Roger that.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Bermangoggleshitz,” I called out in a strong voice even though my insides were quaking.

  “Bermangoggleshitz,” Zelda repeated and then looked over at me to finish it.

  Taking in a deep breath and praying that we would see tomorrow, I finished the summoning. “Bermangoggleshitz.”

  In an enormous cloud of black and green putrid smoke, hundreds
of black snakes dropped from the sky and slithered all over the field—the very same field that Fate had destroyed and restored. Goddess, I’d rather deal with the crazy tantrum-throwing diva than what we were about to get, but that was all kinds of tough shit at the moment.

  Still unsure if the whole wicked group would show up, we stood our ground and waited. I peeked over at Zelda. She was a terrifyingly beautiful force of nature. Her red hair blew in the wind and her skin glowed with magic. My BFF was magnificent.

  “What are you looking at?” she whispered as the stinky smoke began to clear.

  “You. You’re amazing.”

  “Dude, you look like a freakin’ magic warrior princess,” she said, awestruck. “You’re a sparkling witchy bomb about to go off. Fucking incredible. Who knew we’d go from the pokey to this?”

  “Who knew?” I repeated and then squinted out to the clearing. Something definitely didn’t look quite right.

  “What the hell?” Zelda muttered as she spotted the same thing I did.

  Twenty evil warlocks stood in the field while two horrifying demons floated overhead. Their long black coats and hair flapped in the wind—so freakin’ bad guy cliché. That was expected.

  What wasn’t expected was Bermangoggleshitz tied to a chair in the middle of the group. He was bleeding profusely. He’d clearly been beaten within an inch of his life and was hanging on by a thread.

  And he looked weird. Seriously weird.

  The horns were still there, but half of his face was beautiful and half was the stuff nightmares were made of. He was enormous. The hideous side of his face was covered in cracked, oozing skin. One beady black eye was almost swollen shut, but it peered at Zelda and me in shocked surprise. The eye on the other side of his face was a beautiful clear blue.

  The whole thing was kind of zombie-ish. Like the bad was eating him and the good was losing. The right side of his body made me feel breathless. He looked like me—or I looked like him. The recognition when both his beady black and blue eyes landed on me made time stand very still for me.

  “Mine?” he asked in a coarse, deep voice.

  “Maybe,” Zelda replied. “So you summoned a Legion? Are you stupid?”

  “I didn’t…” he started brokenly only to be viciously sliced with a machete dipped in hellfire by one of what was supposed to be his followers. His scream tore at me in a way I didn’t understand.

  “QUIET,” one of the minions roared. “Bermangoggleshitz did no such thing. He’s weak. He’s nothing and he soon will be finished. The bastard is trying to go light—imagine that… I am responsible for the Legion. I’m in charge here now. Not Bermangoggleshitz.”

  The asshole’s pride at doing such a heinous deed made me itch to blow him up where he stood, but he was too close to my sperm donor at the moment.

  “Awesome,” I said, stepping slightly in front of Zelda. “You’d save me some time if you could take care of Roy, you ugly fuck. But I want to know why you smelly turds called up the floating freaks. That’s a pretty big no-no.”

  “What do you know, witch?” he sneered. “The time has come for a new rule. The Goddess is worthless, as are humans. It’s time for the Goddess to die.”

  “So your plan is you get rid of everyone—including the worthless Goddess?” I asked not quite following his warped train of stupid.

  “Correct. And those who are not with us are against us.”

  “Well, duh,” I said with an eye roll. He really needed some new bad guy lines. “If they were with you, they’d be here right? So I’d have to say a shit ton of people must be against you or you’d have a much bigger army than the teeny-weeny buttass ugly group you have going right now. Not sure your plan is too solid. You feel me?”

  “What are you talking about, you imbecile?” his voice boomed across the field making my ears ring.

  He was a first class douche. “I’m just saying you’re fighting an uphill battle. And I’m surprised you didn’t just get a massive ass zap for dissing the Goddess. She got seriously pissed when I called her a drunk hooker.”

  “You didn’t actually say hooker,” Zelda reminded me.

  “Right. Thanks. Not a hooker,” I clarified. “Just drunk.”

  “Who are you?” the one who I supposed thought he was now in charge demanded, narrowing his eyes at me and looking completely confused.

  “I’m your worst nightmare, Buttstring. I’m a dark witch with a low IQ who likes to blow shit like you up.”

  “What did you call me?” he hissed as all the minions hissed along with him.

  They sounded like a deflating hot air balloon from the bowels of hell. Nice. However, the deadly thick tension in the field was palpable. Maybe I needed to dial it back…

  Nah, it was going fine.

  “Buttstring… oh, and I also called you shit. I’m sorry, is that not your name?” I asked innocently, trying to get a grip on how well my father was chained to the chair.

  It appeared as if Baba Yaga was correct about Sperm Donor not having anything to do with the summoning of the Legion. Didn’t mean he was innocent, but it also didn’t mean I was going to let the idiots kill him. If anyone was going to kill him, it would be me. I deserved it.

  But he was chained in thick silver—not good.

  “When I yell go, get to Bermangoggleshitz and get him out of the fray,” I heard Zelda whisper to the cats. “Not sure what’s happening here, but he’s trying to go light. I can tell from the fucked up way he looks. Clear?”

  “Roger that, sweet cheeks,” Fat Bastard whispered back. “You want him alive?”

  “Yes,” I instructed, under my breath. “I want the asshat alive.”

  “Got it. Oh, and can weese kill them snakes?”

  “Be my guest,” I whispered with a shudder. One less thing to worry about…

  The cats slunk away, unnoticed by the posturing evil dudes. I supposed cats didn’t scare them, but they didn’t know Zelda’s cats. They were in for a treat.

  “What is your name, dark witch?” the minion in charge asked in a smarmy and skin crawling voice. “Our army is looking for more.”

  “Hmm… no. Sorry, I’m not interested in joining a bunch of odiferous crotch jockeys in tacky black coats. And there’s no way in hell I’m growing horns—not my style,” I explained nicely. “You see, I’m made up of a bunch of stuff, and even though I skipped most of high school, I think you dudes are a really bad bet.”

  “Your name?” he bellowed making the ground tremble.

  The grass withered and the flowers died. Overhead the sky turned black and trees uprooted. Their magic was powerful, but it was only fueled by hatred and greed. I might have no clue what I was doing, but I knew in my heart I was stronger. Love trumps hate. Always. It had trumped it in me.

  “My name is Sassy Louise Bermangoggleshitz Pants, you rude motherhumper and that’s my daddy you have tied to a chair. So here’s how it’s gonna go down. You hand him over and I kill you fast. You make me come get the weird looking sperm donor and you die slow. Which will it be?”

  “Umm… Sassy, do you know what you’re doing?” Zelda muttered, giving me a quick look.

  “Not a fucking clue, but I figured I’d give them an option. You know?”

  “Well, they certainly look confused,” she offered weakly.

  “Confusion is good,” I told her. “I’ve got this.”

  “And I’ve got your back. Always.”

  Bermangoggleshitz cried out as he tried to reach out to me. My heart tore a little as I watched him, but I hardened myself against all of my stupid childhood wishes for him. He was a bad man, and whether or not he was responsible for this particularly deadly shitshow, it didn’t matter. He’d done horrible things in his life and he’d have to pay.

  “I have no time for this,” Buttstring snarled, raising his hands and aiming.

  “GO,” Zelda shouted. She raised her hands and fired a shot of magic so vicious ten of the warlocks exploded like tics. “Pull on your dark, Sassy. It’s now or
never.”

  She was right. Ten were down forever, but there were ten left and two seriously pissed off demons headed right for us.

  Dark. Find my dark. Where in the ever loving heck was my dark?

  “I can’t find it,” I shouted above the hisses and snarls of the advancing evil. “Where is it?”

  No success without failure. No success without failure. Marge clearly said there was no success without failure. Only problem was there wasn’t a whole lot of room for failure. The only thing to fear is fear itself. I was pretty sure Sponge Bob had said that. I knew he was a cartoon, but…

  What did I fear? I feared being taken over by the dark, but I was already dark and it didn’t own me. In fact, I’d always been dark and light. I just didn’t know it until this week. I’d turned out pretty good—well, mostly good.

  I feared losing the people I loved more than I feared going to the dark side. A life with out Jeeves and my chipmunks wasn’t a life worth living—my friends, even the Baba Yaga. Fear would not keep me from protecting what I loved.

  No. Fucking. Way.

  “Hey, I found it,” I shouted, as my stomach churned with something wildly unfamiliar and unsettling. “Mine’s based in love, not fear. I own this bitch.”

  Raising my hands over my head, stomping my foot and shrieking like a banshee from a really bad B horror movie, I let the darkness based in love burst from my body. Fire shot from every orifice and my fingers shot bolts of magic so aggressive it threw me backwards. Invisible hands pushed me back to my feet and I charged forward.

  “I will always have your back, Sassy Pants,” I heard Jeeves yell as I went hand to hand with the ugly son of a bitch that had sliced at my evil father. The look on his face as I tore the arms from his body was priceless.

  “What are you?” he roared as he fell to the ground in agony.

  “I’m one of the good guys. I’m Sassy Louise Bermangoggleshitz Pants.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the cats drag my father to relative safety and then jump into the fray, ripping snakes apart like they were candy on Halloween—totally gross and totally awesome. I screamed as I watched a bolt of black magic head straight for Fat Bastard. The damn cat didn’t blink an eye. In fact the crazy feline positioned himself right in front of the deadly fire and took it right in his hairless chest.