The First Feelings of Love

by Tierra Montgomery

  This summer left a lot of lessons learned.

  Twenty Four

  Processing the Internship

  I could not have fathomed being in this place with people who love their job as much as here. Of course, this is not the only place and these are not the only people who love their job. But what struck me the most was the vast amount of information one has to process while being on the job.

  The job taught me a lot about multitasking and being aware of your surroundings. Each job itself has a culture, and this culture was filled with notating everything. But it is still always good to be kind to people, just have to be aware all at the same time. This internship grew me. No longer was I just a woman. I was a woman who had to perform to her upmost ability on work that was significant to security.

  It meant I had to grow up really quick in picking up on the type of culture this job had and what it was about. Everyday, I shuttled to work after a car ride. Everyday, I processed what it means to have a internship, let alone a job, this high. This internship was really different from my past experiences because it was the most I felt like working in the real world and handling real world on-the-job situations.

  I was also a worrier on this job and was always worrying about if the current assignment was done correctly. Yet, it was maintaining that was the toughest part, the expectation of it all. It was like swimming the farthest one can go, getting tired, and having just enough energy to swim right back. I swam back everyday for this internship, half hoping I was doing something right and the other half feeling anxious.

  When the internship ended, I felt like I gained learning how to handle real world situations on the job better.

  * * *

  Dear God,

  I had made progress on work today! Woohoo! :)

  The main part of the program was buggy for the past couple of days.

  I had to wrack my brain at trying to understand what was possibly the problem.

  But finally today I had achieved fixing the main frame and now it is time to fix the rest of the sections.

  Today was a good day.

  Twenty Five

  She is beautiful.

  She is beautiful

  Don’t deny her, her right of being beautiful just because it does not fit into your pretty perfect image.

  Skinny, being thin, being anything other is not the only way a person can be beautiful.

  She is beautiful because of her strength.

  Of what she walked through, took on her back and had to carry it through.

  She is beautiful because of who she is.

  A person is more than the makeup of their skin. A person has character, a personality worth learning about.

  She is beautiful because of who she is.

  And even when she makes mistakes, she is still beautiful.

  * * *

  Car rides with May were awesome. We sang songs, talked, and listened to classical or pop music. Her favorite song in the morning was listening to John Legend’s “All of You”.

  One day after getting off from work and me riding with her, she opened up about her previous job.

  “I was a mentor for translators at this firm from where I live out in the Midwest.” May starts.

  “How has that experience been for you?”

  “Well, I look at what the students teach me versus what I teach them. It is also my way of gauging how I am teaching them and what we are all learning at the same time.”

  I found this to be very introspective because of thinking about how some people would look at it as a teacher taught them and not the other way around. But here was a person who did not have the same viewpoint about that and looked at her students for lessons she can better prepare on and what they teach her.

  “I think your viewpoint is awesome that you look at your students to teach you something.” I say.

  “Thanks. That viewpoint is just something I gathered over the years mentoring.”

  We continued the car ride talking more about her endeavors, how she had gotten into music, and what she liked most about teaching. It made for interesting conversation and getting to know her better.

  Twenty Six

  Processing Being a Lesbian

  Over this summer, I searched and searched online about what it meant to be in love with a woman. It lead me to movies and a bunch of Coming Out YouTube videos. One movie in particular was about a Singaporean couple starting off their relationship in college. I felt like it was the most relatable movie out there, but there was more.

  I had also learned from YouTube of the different types of sexualities people define themselves as and what it all meant. It was really based on how a person aligned with themselves to know what they identified as and what pronouns to use.

  It was a gateway to my understanding of not only learning about myself and my recent awakening in my sexuality. But also in understanding how to come out of the closet with someone you like and have them reciprocate the same feelings.

  * * *

  “So tell me what is it that you like about women?”

  My Grandmother had called once again, still processing that her oldest granddaughter had just come out as a lesbian and liked someone all at the same time.

  “Well, what I like about women is how sensual they can be. The way they move and smile, maybe even how they carry themselves is what moves me the most about them. I do not know if I can really explain it, Grandmother, but it is just in how women are that makes me attracted to them.”

  “Okay. I was just curious because I talked with your uncle and aunt because I was in shock and needed to talk with someone. ”

  “That is okay that you talked with them about it. I can only imagine what I would have done if I was in your same shoes, Grandmother.”

  “So, is this something that just occurred or is this ongoing?”

  “I believe being a lesbian has been something ongoing, but it was not really awakened until I liked this woman that I go to work with everyday.”

  “Well, how is she?”

  “She is nice. She loves to be around people and is pretty tall. She has big almond eyes and loves classical music.”

  “She sounds nice. But I want you to be careful. You should never assume.”

  “Yes mam.”

  We ended that part of our conversation shortly after and went on to talk about where I was for that weekend.

  “Well I am staying with my uncle and aunt that live close by. ” I say to her. “They invited me down for the weekend to spend some time with them.”

  “Well that is good to have family around you at this time. It is good that they support you too.”

  “Thanks, Grandmother. ``I love you.”

  “I love you more.” Grandmother sings and with that we end our phone conversation.

  Twenty Seven

  Processing Being In A Relationship

  I always told myself if I could turn back time, I would be more open. It is the little things that you expect out of a relationship that start to form. One of the things forming from that relationship was learning how to open up more. I was rigid back then. Was completely in my own head about a lot of stressors from the job.

  If I could turn back time, I would try to make May laugh. I would do it by pulling up a funny YouTube video or tell a silly knock, knock joke.

  But that relationship served as a lesson in knowing what to do when caring for someone, especially if you pick up on their love language or how they interact with other people.

  But the relationship only lasted for the summer.

  * * *

  “So I guess it is just the two of us now.” I say, half standing and kneeling on the couch.

  “Yes it is. But I still miss the other two roommates. ” May says, placing her lunch pale in an unusual spot on the counter.

  Yulonda had left the internship early, having had a family emergency occur that week. She packed and left a couple of nights ago with her mom in toe. Jenny had also left for that week, having had
car trouble.

  The dynamic in the apartment had shifted. No longer was there Bones playing on the television screen after work, or that Yulonda would leave early from the apartment for morning swims.

  My heart was pounding at the realization, we were finally all alone. Just the two of us. But May was the type of person to spend time with everyone. She enjoyed Yulonda’s and Jenny’s time while they were here and that not having them changed things. She eventually moved her stuff into the room they were sharing. It was tough knowing we would not be near each other, but the space was needed.

  Twenty Eight

  I Realized Your Feels Were True

  I wrote this writing on the last day of the program on August 2015. It was a response to what May has been singing for the past couple of days while at the apartment before she left. I had realized that she did like me, that there was not a love triangle after all. That sandwiched between the insecurity and the dynamic of May’s relationship with Yulonda and Jenny, was me trying to fight that I liked her all that time. The other half of me was wishing I was more open about my feelings for her instead of subtly showing her.

  * * *

  Even if you force, I still should have let you in.

  I did not mean to start a war

  All you ever wanted from me was to let you in.

  I can never say you just walked away,

  Now I realized your feelings for me was true.

  We came in like a wrecking ball

  Fell so hard in love

  All I did was break us up

  All You ever did was love me

  We meant the same thing

  It was just shown in different ways.

  Twenty Nine

  Dreaming Of You

  I had a dream just a couple of nights prior. That you and I were in the room near the closet searching for something when we were about to kiss and then the dream ended. Having scared me straight because that has been a longing for me to do when I am around you. My feelings were seeping into my dreams and now I was dreaming of you. Wanting to snuggle beside you, look into those almond eyes and make you feel okay.

  * * *

  “She looked like she wanted to kiss you.” May’s dad said as they all were gathering her thing in her room.

  I was just outside in the kitchen washing dishes that were still left in the sink the night prior. May strutted out the room, happy as a lamb.

  “Christine, I think I left something in the closet.”

  Not sure if this was an opportunity or me still stuck in my ways, I say to her, “Okay. Let me go check.”

  But as I went into the closet, I knew full well she knew she did not leave anything. I knew it was probably an opportunity to finally kiss her. The roommates were gone and it was just us. But all this time our relationship teeter-tottered on showing we liked each other instead of just saying it. There was still that uncertainty that I was fighting myself with. Forcing myself between showing I like her and half wishing these feelings would go away somehow. But the more time we spent together, the more time the feelings grew. The more time she was teaching me new things, the more I was learning to not rush a moment or take more opportunities. But as I stood there battling if that encounter was an opportunity or not, the more it drew me crazy to think how this would pan out. But it was simple, I gathered my best smile, turned right around, walked out the bedroom door, and said to her, “I did not see anything.”

  Saddened, she said, “Okay.”

  She walks back to the room and she tells him what happens. He then says, “Leave her alone.”

  I had missed the only opportunity to kiss her, or at least an attempt too.

  * * *

  I wrote this writing on the second to last day of the program on 20 August 2015. That is the day May and I would be seeing each other last and that is the day I wished I would have kissed you.

  What if the afternoon is exactly at 12 and I do not even get to see you.

  I want to touch your hair.

  I want to touch your hand.

  I want to kiss your face and tell you sorry for all the times I missed out on us.

  I want to make up for lost time.

  I want to be with you.

  I want to hear your heartbeat next to mine, to smell your lovely perfume that you wear every morning.

  I miss that.

  I want to touch your tan skin and reassure all those moments were true.

  I want you.

  I want to walk in the door and see your face.

  To see you open up the blinds and let light in.

  To watch you sit by the pool reading.

  To soak you in.

  I regret not giving you what you wanted.

  Just to spend time.

  Not to be afraid to have fear of allowing us to grow with each other.

  Now I understand.

  Why does love have to hit you like a train?

  Or slowly creep up on you when you least expect it?

  Why is it that even right now, you are on my mind?

  Thirty

  Summer Endings

  It is that time of year again to head back to school. To gather around friends in the cafe and tell all the crazy stories of what happened over the summer. Share in laughs and pull all-nighters for those big midterms arriving before you know it.

  I took with me lifelong lessons from that summer, to loving someone to dealing with stressors on the job. It made an impact on my life and unlocking what was inside of me all along.

  It would take a couple of years to settle into knowing that I was a lesbian, but during that time it was a spring board to learning who I was to become.

  I do not keep in touch with May anymore, that was a long time ago. But what she taught me over that summer I still use today. And I hope she is doing okay in life.

  * * *

  ” I guess this is goodbye.” I say as May came back to pick up her charger.

  She had packed up and left early that morning and I had to catch a ride with my uncle.

  It was night time, just one day left of the program and she was the last person I get to see.

  “I had made some coffee if you would like some?” I said, saddened that she would not stay for long.

  “That is good, but I am not thirsty at the moment.” When she was cleaning out her portion of the fridge she had switched out my Foldgers container with her own. I took it as the last taste of her and remembrance of her before she went. She liked French Vanilla creamer and that also was left in the fridge.

  I hugged her goodbye and watched her leave. Feeling saddened, I cried that night because that was the last time in person I was going to see her.

  Thirty One

  Love Is Like Traveling

  Love is like traveling and leaving home for the first time.

  The first time is nerve-wreaking, calling mom everyday, wondering how anyone survived being out in the world alone.

  Then after the second and third time, one’s confidence grows, seeking opportunities to travel and experience new things and see new faces.

  Now when one travels, you know the basics. You pack what was once a foundation and head out the door to uncharted territory, ready to tackle any new obstacle along the way.

  * * *

  God,

  I want to embody love like Jesus.

  Be steadfast like Job.

  Have faith like Rebekah.

  Given a chance at living water, like Mary Magdalene.

  Have goals to accomplish in life,all while pleasing You and being a faithful servant.

  Epilogue: Twenty-five and Thriving In A Different Type of Love

  Dear Reader,

  At the time of this writing, it would be towards the end of October 2019. I am now twenty-five years old and have moved on from what has happened in 2015. But sometimes some wounds take time to heal and people move on themselves. I moved on from loving May to wishing her well. I gathered a new perspective of seeing the glass half empty to half full and filled with a
lot of love lessons.

  I would later go on and find somebody else. However, it taught me loving someone can never be the same. There are different types of love. May was my first love. Someone who ignited a love flame and set me on fire. My second love was Matilda. We met during college in the latter end of the year 2015. Matilda was someone who my first kiss happened with. She lifted my spirits and gave cozy hugs. We were similar in how we loved. Even though, that relationship did not last long, it taught me I could move on from someone I had deep feelings for. I would spend the years of 2016 to 2018 teeter-tottering having crushed feelings on other women, but nothing that lead to an actual relationship. Those crush feelings hurt too.

  Now it is 2019. I have not met someone to love yet, someone who I can spend my time with. I have mostly been with my family and shouldering family obligations, like taking care of my grandparents. This was a different type of love in taking care of them. All of my actions towards them was love. Making grits in the morning the way they liked it, grabbing the newspaper, and being at their beck and call when they needed something. A love like this never withers. They are no longer here, having Grandpa pass away in 2016 and Grandmother passing away earlier this year. But their words on love and having wise decisions still ring in my ears. It has set within me an important message of showing love to someone while they are here on Earth. To give them their flowers now instead of later.