‘Her coma? I thought about it being connected but I don’t think it can be. She came out of it a month ago and the dizzy spells only started last week. If it was coma-related, she’d surely have had one sooner.’
‘I agree. What I was wondering is whether there’s any possibility that Samantha could be pregnant.’
My stomach did a massive loop-the-loop. Pregnant? The thought had never even entered my head. What if she was? The timing wasn’t ideal but I loved Sam and definitely saw marriage and kids at some point in our future. This was a more immediate future than I’d have anticipated but our whole relationship had been fast and exciting and the thought of a baby so soon didn’t fill me with dread. Exactly the opposite.
24
Samantha
My eyes flickered open and had a moment of disorientation trying to work out why I was in my bed during daylight hours. Then it came back to me. I shut my eyes again, cringing. Why did I have to faint in front of my students? Why did I have to faint at all? Why had so many bad things happened lately?
Opening my eyes once more, I shivered as a feeling of hopelessness clawed at me. Never in my life had I felt like such a failure: the continuing vendetta of hate against me, the disastrous visit to Whitsborough Bay at the weekend, losing Chloe’s friendship, never having Mum’s love… it was all too much and I couldn’t cope anymore. But most of all was the overwhelming worry that I’d let Thomas and Gwendoline down. I should have instructed Mr Jeffreys to sell the farm and give the proceeds to the hedgehog charity Thomas had named instead of thinking I could save the world one hedgehog at a time.
A solitary tear trailed from the corner of my eye, across my cheekbone and towards my ear as I gazed at the meadow canvas.
‘I’ve failed,’ I whispered. ‘I’ve let you both down. I can’t do this. It’s too big.’
It wasn’t the same talking to the canvas. I needed to be by the actual meadow and let Thomas know what a mess I’d made of everything.
When I stood up, I still felt lightheaded. Stairs would not be a good idea. My desk looked out over the garden and meadow. Maybe I could talk to Thomas from my office window instead.
I’d felt really hot when I came upstairs earlier so I’d opened several windows. The coolness of the through-draft was both soothing and reviving as I lowered myself onto my desk chair and took a deep breath.
Voices drifted up to me from below and I leaned forward to peek out of the window. Josh was back, sitting on Thomas’s bench and talking to his mum. I hoped I hadn’t caused him too much worry. He’d already had more than his fair share to deal with while I was in hospital.
I didn’t mean to listen but their voices were really clear.
‘…and the dizzy spells only started last week,’ Josh said. ‘If it was coma-related, she’d surely have had one sooner.’
‘I agree,’ Connie replied. ‘What I was wondering is whether there’s any possibility that Samantha could be pregnant.’
My stomach somersaulted. What?!
‘I don’t think so.’ Josh said the words slowly, as though trying to work out whether it was feasible.
‘I’m only asking because I had dizzy spells with you and with Kayleigh during my first trimester. I even fainted a couple of times with you.’
‘I never knew that.’
‘It’s not something that crops up in everyday conversation but it’s fairly common. Sorry. I don’t mean to pry.’
‘No, it’s fine.’ Josh paused for a moment. ‘I suppose it’s always a possibility.’
I clapped my hand across my mouth, my heart thumping. Oh my gosh! I couldn’t be, could I? I’d gone on the pill shortly after getting together with Josh but I’d never questioned what had happened while I was in hospital. On returning home, I’d taken two packets in a row to avoid a period over opening weekend but not taking the pill while in a coma could have compromised my protection.
I stood up and leaned across my desk to hear better, butterflies swirling in my stomach.
‘…feel about being a dad?’ Connie asked.
I held my breath, heart thudding, as I waited for Josh’s response. Our relationship had moved forward at pace and we’d talked about being together forever but we hadn’t had a serious conversation about marriage or children. Should we have?
‘It would be amazing,’ he said eventually, warmth in his voice. ‘A lot sooner than I’d have liked but we love each other, we’ve got the perfect family home and Sam would be such an amazing mum.’
Panic gripped me. I couldn’t listen to any more. But in my haste to scramble back from the window, I knocked over a pen pot.
‘Did you hear something?’ Josh asked.
I didn’t dare look out of the window in case they were looking up. Silently backing out of the office, I hurried across the hall and dived under the duvet.
A couple of minutes later, I heard footsteps and the bedroom door opened. ‘Sam?’ Josh whispered. ‘Are you awake?’
I stayed still, thankful my breathing had regulated. The seconds ticked past as I willed him to leave. After the door closed and I heard his footsteps on the stairs, I turned over and opened my eyes. What just happened? Why had I panicked like that and why hadn’t I been able to admit to Josh that I’d overheard his conversation? I had no idea.
A knock on the bedroom door awoke me and I reached for my phone. 5.43 p.m. I must have dozed off again.
‘Hello?’ I said.
The door opened and Lauren poked her head round it. ‘Couldn’t resist stopping by and checking you were okay. We thought you might like a cuppa.’
I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. ‘That would be great, thanks.’
‘Am I okay to come in?’
‘Yes.’ I sat up against my pillows as Lauren handed me a mug then sat on the end of the bed.
‘How are you feeling?’
‘A bit woozy still. Mortified. Are my students alright?’
‘They’re fine. Worried about you like we all are. What’s going on, Sam?’ Her voice was so gentle and she looked at me with such concern that tears rushed to my eyes. Mum had never looked at me like that.
‘I can’t do it.’ My words were barely a whisper.
‘What can’t you do?’
‘Run Hedgehog Hollow.’ Saying the words out loud sent the tears tumbling down my cheeks as an overwhelming sense of loss enveloped me.
‘Run Hedgehog Hollow or run Hedgehog Hollow while holding down a full-time teaching post?’
I swiped at my cheeks. ‘Bit of both. Mainly the second one.’
‘Then I accept your resignation with immediate effect, no notice required.’
‘What?’ I gawped at her.
‘Josh told me about your conversation earlier this week and please don’t be mad with him because I prised it out of him. Thomas left you money and the practice is sponsoring you so you’re financially stable for a long time yet. After that, there are grants available for charities and we can all help to fundraise.’
‘What about my students?’
‘They’ll get a new tutor. You were the stand-out candidate at interview but there was another strong contender. When you inherited the farm, I had a feeling we wouldn’t be able to keep you so I put feelers out to see if Alice was still interested and she was. She can start after half-term and I can cover your classes in the meantime.’
‘But I’d be—’
‘Don’t you dare say you’d be letting anyone down. If anyone has done that, it’s me letting you down.’
‘How?’
‘You asked me if you could work part-time. I said no because it’s not a part-time job but I could have looked into a job share. I should have realised the impossible position you were in with two jobs.’
I shook my head. ‘I should have spoken up sooner.’
‘Can I ring Alice and tell her she’s got the job?’
For the first time in days, the tight knots in my stomach started to unravel. ‘Yes please. That would be amazing.’
‘Yeah, well, that’s because I’m amazing.’ She flicked her hair over her shoulders and grinned at me. ‘Best boss ever. But do you know what I’m even better at?’
‘I’ve no idea,’ I said, smiling.
‘Being an auntie. Or auntie-in-law.’
I started laughing. ‘You never stop, do you?’
‘Nope. Just think, most people who resign get to walk out of my life but not you. You’re family. Not officially at the moment but you will be one day soon. You can’t escape.’ She threw her head back and gave a Disney-villain-style cackle.
‘I think I can live with that.’ And I could. Josh had been right. Lauren was never going to take it badly because she wasn’t that sort of person. It was me who’d worked it up into a big thing because I couldn’t bear to let anyone down. I’d always been a people-pleaser and I needed to accept that, sometimes, decisions had to be made that couldn’t please everyone but were best for me.
Lauren stood up. ‘I’ll let you have your tea in peace and make that call.’ She leaned over and gave me a hug then wandered over to the door. She stopped and turned back to me. ‘If you’ve got any doubts about your ability to run this place, get rid of them. Look at all the amazing things you’ve managed so far while you’ve been trying to fit this round your teaching. When you’re doing this full-time, you’ll be on fire.’ She clapped her hand over her mouth. ‘Really bad choice of words. Sorry.’
I laughed. ‘Forgiven. Thank you. I owe you so much.’
‘You can repay me by marrying that fabulous nephew of mine and having a brood of gorgeous babies.’ She left the room laughing but that momentary feeling of relief was swiftly replaced by panic again at the mention of babies. Why? What was going on?
25
Josh
When Auntie Lauren came downstairs and confirmed that Sam was no longer an employee of Reddfield TEC, I couldn’t have been more relieved. I ran straight upstairs.
Sam was pulling on her dressing gown when I entered the bedroom.
‘How are you feeling?’ I asked, wrapping my arms round her.
She snuggled against me. ‘Better after some sleep. Sorry about worrying everyone. You were all right about me returning to work too soon. I knew I wasn’t ready but I didn’t want to admit it, despite the dizzy spells being my body’s way of telling me to slow down. I always told my patients to listen to what their body was saying. Should probably have heeded my own advice.’
Not pregnant then. I wasn’t sure whether I felt relieved or disappointed.
She retrieved her slippers from beside the bed then looked up and smiled. ‘All sorted now, though, if you’re sure about paying all the bills.’
‘Definitely.’
‘I bet that’s my dad,’ she said when the doorbell sounded. ‘Can you answer it? I’ll be down in a minute.’
Sam didn’t like the idea of her car being in the college car park all night so I left her with Jonathan and Auntie Lauren while Mum drove me to Reddfield to collect it.
‘I’m glad we’ve got some more alone-time,’ I said as we pulled out of the farmyard. ‘Sam’s not pregnant. It was the stress of returning to work too soon. But there’s something baby-related that I do need to tell you.’
Mum glanced at me. ‘Oh yes?’
‘I met Archie on Sunday. His baby.’
I noticed her grip tighten on the wheel. ‘Oh my goodness. Really? I didn’t think you wanted to see him.’
‘I didn’t. It wasn’t planned…’ I brought her up to speed on what had happened.
‘How did you feel seeing him?’ she asked.
‘Depends which him you mean. Seeing my father was as grim as expected but seeing Archie was…’ I shook my head, struggling to articulate my feelings. ‘I didn’t hate him or resent him. He was quite cute, actually. He grabbed hold of my finger at one point and, even though his hand was covered in slobber, I didn’t mind.’ As I spoke, I pictured his face and felt an unexpected yearning to hold him once more. I recalled a feeling of warmth as I gazed into his dark eyes, so much like my own. I visualised his smile each time I’d said ‘penguin’.
We’d stopped at a junction and Mum studied my face, a gentle smile on her lips. ‘I think your little half-brother might have done more than grabbed hold of your finger this week. I think he might have grabbed hold of your heart.’
I frowned as I shook my head at her. ‘No. He’s not done that. He can’t have. He’s the cause of all the problems.’
‘No he isn’t!’ she cried. ‘And I know you know that.’ Her voice softened. ‘He’s an innocent baby with no control over his heritage and you’re a lovely, caring, generous person who would be the most amazing big brother that any child could wish for.’ She pulled away from the junction.
‘You think I should see him again?’
‘It’s not about what I think. It’s about what feels right to you. I know you’re still hurting but you’ve come so far, especially since meeting Samantha. Maybe getting to know your half-brother and their new baby when it arrives is part of that continued healing process.’
‘You wouldn’t be upset if I did see Archie and the new baby?’
‘Oh, sweetheart, of course not. I’ve found my peace with the situation. I’d be more upset if you didn’t see them, especially if the reason was some misplaced loyalty towards me.’
We’d reached the outskirts of Reddfield and I stared out of the window at the buildings, mulling over what she’d said. Could she be right about my feelings towards Archie? Was it bullshit when I’d told Sam I was just feeling protective towards him for helping save his life? Had it really been brotherly love?
I turned back to Mum. ‘Can I ask you something? After I met Sam, you said it was okay to tell her what happened. Are you still comfortable for me to do that?’
She glanced at me, her expression solemn. ‘She’s family, Josh. I think it’s best she knows. And I don’t mind you telling Lewis and Danny either. Just…’
‘Just what?’ I asked when she fell silent.
‘Just don’t be too harsh on your father. He wasn’t to know what would happen.’
We pulled into the car park. Sam’s was the only vehicle in there.
Mum stepped out of her car and gave me a hug. ‘Thanks for the update. Please never feel there’s anything about your dad and his new family that you can’t tell me. I’d rather hear it from you than anyone else.’ She gave me another squeeze, then released me.
‘You’re sure you’re okay?’ I asked.
‘Eighteen months ago, maybe even a year ago, what you’ve told me tonight would have floored me but now it makes me happy. You should have your half-siblings in your life. I wonder if the new baby will be a boy or girl.’
‘It’s a girl.’
Tears glistened in Mum’s eyes, filling me with panic. She must have seen the worried expression on my face because she gave me a reassuring smile.
‘I’m absolutely fine. I know you might find it hard to believe but I’m happy for your dad. I was never bothered about gender but your dad’s dream was always for at least one of each. After you were born, he was so desperate for a girl next. I feel quite emotional for him that he’s getting what he always wanted, especially after we lost Kayleigh.’
I shook my head, marvelling again at her attitude. ‘How can you be so understanding?’
‘Time, space and counselling. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – retraining to be a counsellor is the best thing I could ever have done to come to terms with my past or, as my mentor says, “sort my shit out”.’
‘Maybe I should book a proper counselling session with you to “sort my shit out”.’
She gave a gentle laugh. ‘I’m not fully qualified yet and it would be a serious conflict of interest to be your counsellor but you know I’m always here as your mum if you want to talk about anything.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’ I gave her a quick hug again then climbed into Sam’s car.
She knocked on the window so I wound it down and looked
at her expectantly. She leaned forward and rested her hands on the window frame. ‘I genuinely think it would be good for you if you let Archie and the new baby into your life but do you know what else I think would be even better for you?’
‘Enlighten me.’
‘Making peace with your dad.’
My stomach sank. ‘Mum! You can’t be serious.’
‘I am serious. You two had such a strong bond before all this kicked off and it breaks my heart that you’re now enemies and that Lewis and Danny have lost touch with him too.’
My jaw clenched. ‘That’s hardly my fault, is it? He’s the one who created the mess.’
‘I know he did, but—’
‘There are no buts in this, Mum. You might be able to forgive and forget but I can’t.’
‘It’s not about forgiving or forgetting,’ she pleaded. ‘It’s about moving on.’
‘And I’ve done that,’ I snapped. ‘Without him in my life.’
‘Josh! Don’t say that.’
Mum looked so hurt. Damn him! He wasn’t even here but he was still messing things up.
She took a deep breath. ‘None of us can undo what happened and we can’t change how any of us reacted to it but we can control how we let it affect our future. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life without your father in it, feeling all this anger and pain? Because it isn’t you, Josh. I don’t recognise you when you lash out like that.’
I started the engine. ‘I need to get back to Sam.’ I tried to keep the frustration out of my voice but I could hear that it had an edge.
‘Promise me you’re not mad with me.’
My shoulders relaxed as I turned to her. ‘He’s the only one I’m mad with.’ I gave her a gentle smile. ‘Look, I’m dead chuffed you’ve dealt with your demons but, the thing is, you can move on without ever seeing him again. I’m not saying it’s easier for you than it is for me but moving forward is different for us both. Nobody’s asking you to be friends again and spend time with him but that’s what I’d have to do and it’s a huge ask. Do you see where I’m coming from?’
New Arrivals at Hedgehog Hollow Page 14
