She sighed and nodded slowly. ‘I do. But…’ Tears sparkled in her eyes and I hated that I was hurting her and hated him even more for being the cause of it. ‘Will you at least think about it? I’m not saying next week or next month but maybe one day in the not too distant future.’
I wasn’t going to lie to her. ‘I’ll think about it but I can’t make any promises because I can’t see me ever changing my mind.’
‘What if you have children? Wouldn’t you want them to know their granddad?’
‘That’s not fair, Mum.’
‘All I can ask is that you think about it, Josh. Please.’ She straightened up and got back into her car and drove off waving but she wasn’t smiling. I hoped she wasn’t going to cry. I wanted so much for her to be happy but I didn’t have it in me to do what she wanted. She’d come out of the other side as a strong, powerful, inspiring woman who never ceased to amaze me. But it could have been so much different and that was the part that I couldn’t let go.
26
Samantha
Lauren left shortly after Josh returned from collecting my car from college. Dad went over to the barn to feed the hedgehogs and insisted on taking the first shift with the hoglets which was very kind of him as there was no way I could have done it.
I managed to eat a bowl of soup and a soft bread bun then retired to the lounge with a mug of tea.
‘So how was your day other than my fainting drama?’ I asked Josh.
‘Busy as usual. I had a couple of missed calls from Beth but no message so I still don’t know what she wants.’
‘Are you going to call her back?’
He shook his head. ‘I know it sounds bad after what happened on Sunday but I don’t have the energy to deal with her at the moment. I told Mum what happened.’
‘How did she react?’
‘She was surprisingly positive about it,’ he said slowly, as though trying to make sense of Connie’s reaction. ‘She thinks I should play big brother to Archie and the new baby when she arrives.’
‘Really? I’d have thought that would have been difficult for her.’
‘So did I but she didn’t seem fazed. She also thinks I should let my dad back in. Like that’s ever going to happen.’
I hesitated. While I wholeheartedly agreed with Connie, I was conscious that I was projecting my relationship with Mum into that thought process. ‘You haven’t had a fallout with your mum over it, have you?’
‘Nothing like that. She understands.’
We sat in silence for a few moments, sipping on our drinks. I couldn’t let it go. I hated the thought of him staying angry with his dad then regretting the years wasted somewhere down the line.
‘Do you think you ever could see a way of letting him back in?’ I asked eventually.
‘No.’
‘But he’s your dad and you were really close to him before. I know it’s unrealistic that things can ever go back to exactly how they were. Look at Chloe and me. But we found a way forward and we’re taking it a step at a time.’ I rolled my eyes at him. ‘Or we were. Not sure where things stand after Saturday. Do you really not see a way of trying again with your dad?’ I hoped I sounded concerned rather than like I was nagging.
‘I know that I’m stubborn but I’m also a reasonable person. If this was just about me being stubborn, I could probably get over it.’
‘Then what is it about?’ I asked gently. ‘Is there something I don’t know about what happened?’
His shoulders stiffened and his expression darkened as he nodded slowly. ‘But I’ll tell you about it another time.’
I squeezed his leg. ‘Fainting didn’t damage my ability to listen. I’m all ears now.’
‘If you’re sure…?’ He paused and took a deep breath. ‘When I discovered what had been going on between him and Beth, it was a hell of a shock. I told her to fetch her bag and leave then I marched him across to Alder Lea. That’s when it all came out – when he met her, how he kept promising he’d leave Mum for her but couldn’t bring himself to do it because he loved them both, blah, blah, blah.’
He ran his fingers through his hair, shook his head and sighed. ‘I felt like I was in this surreal living nightmare where someone would jump out and cry “April Fool” at any moment. He kept saying he was sorry and he never meant for anyone to get hurt, as though he’d thought there was some possibility we were ever going to come through something like that unscathed. The worst thing was that he didn’t look remotely sorry and I knew why. My girlfriend had just delivered him the news he’d longed for since I was born – another child – and he couldn’t hide how excited he was.’
‘That must have been awful.’
‘It was but there was worse to come. I didn’t need to ask him whether he was going to choose Beth or Mum because it was obvious that Beth had just played her trump card. I told him he had to tell Mum but he said he couldn’t do it. He thought it would sound better coming from me.’
I gasped. ‘What? Oh, Josh, that wasn’t fair of him.’
‘Tell me about it. Of course, I refused. Told him it was his mess and up to him to sort it out. We had a huge argument about it but he eventually accepted that I was right and it was the decent thing to do. It was Mum’s day off so he’d have caught her at home if he’d done it immediately but he wanted to go to Beth’s first and think about the best way to deliver the news. As if there was a best way to tell his wife of thirty years that he’d been seeing a woman half her age for the past seven years and, by the way, she’s pregnant. That big family could be coming his way after all.’
The rawness was clearly still there in the shake of Josh’s voice and the glisten in his eyes. I leaned forward and took hold of his hand. My throat tightened with emotion and I could have cried for him and for Connie but I needed to stay strong.
Josh squeezed my hand and looked down as he ran his thumb back and forth over mine. ‘When he left that day, I hated him so much for what he’d done. I hated Beth too but we’d had such a weird on-off relationship, I wasn’t that shocked to discover she’d been seeing her married man all that time. The shock was who the married man was. I couldn’t believe my dad would do that to me or to Mum.’
He looked up, his eyes full of sadness. ‘You’ve asked if I could ever let him back in my life because of how close we were before it happened. I don’t know. Maybe, with time, I could have found a way to forgive him. If it wasn’t for what happened next…’
When he closed his eyes and shuddered, goose bumps pricked my arms and my pulse began to race. I hardly dared ask. ‘What happened next?’
27
Josh
I took in Sam’s pale cheeks, the dark circles beneath her eyes, the gleam of tears and shook my head. I shouldn’t have gone down this path tonight. I should have let her rest and told her another time.
As though sensing my hesitation, she squeezed my hand. ‘I’m listening.’
Always so full of kindness and always thinking of others before herself. I cupped her face and gently kissed her. ‘Okay. I’ll tell you the rest…’
Dad left and I paced up and down in the lounge, cursing them both. The last thing I wanted to do was go back to work and pretend everything was normal but I had a life-saving operation scheduled for a dog that afternoon. I couldn’t cancel and the only other person who could have performed the operation was him. Bloody typical.
The op kept me occupied for the next few hours but I returned to my office and couldn’t stop thinking about Mum. I hated the thought of him breaking the news out of the blue then packing a bag and leaving Mum on her own to try to come to terms with it. She’d be absolutely devastated.
I rang him but it went to voicemail. I left a message telling him that I wanted to be there for Mum when he made his confession but he needed to be clear that I would be there to support Mum only and would not be doing any smoothing over of things on his behalf because I was disgusted with him.
As the end of the day approached, I felt uneasy. He hadn
’t called back and I suddenly felt compelled to drive to their home.
I was halfway there when he rang. ‘I got your message but I’ve already told her.’
I slapped my hand on the steering wheel. ‘Shit! How did she take it?’
‘Surprisingly well. She was shocked and upset but very calm.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Why would I lie?’
I emitted a derisive snort. ‘Oh, I don’t know. Why would you?’ He deserved every ounce of sarcasm.
‘Josh! Anyway, she made herself a cuppa while I packed a case and she told me to return for the rest on Saturday while she’s at work.’
I thought about my reaction, marching him across to Alder Lea and yelling at him compared to Mum’s. It must have taken a hell of a lot of self-restraint not to let rip. Unless it was the shock. She might let go later.
‘Why didn’t you wait for me?’ I asked.
‘Because I didn’t know you wanted to be there.’
‘I only thought about it later and you said you were going to tell her this evening.’
‘Beth wouldn’t let me into the flat until I’d ended it. She said it was better to get it over with, like ripping off a plaster. She thought—’
‘I don’t give a shit about what Beth says or thinks. The only person I care about right now is Mum.’
‘She was fine. I swear.’
‘She was probably trying to maintain some sort of dignity after you humiliated the hell out of her.’
‘I’m sorry. I hate myself for—’
‘Save it for someone who’s interested.’ I cut off the call and swore a few times.
I pulled onto the drive of my childhood home shortly afterwards and rang the bell. No answer. Mum’s car was on the drive so she hadn’t gone out. I rang the bell again and tried the door but it was locked. And suddenly I was worried. I kept a spare key in my glove box and grabbed it.
The house was eerily silent which sent alarm bells ringing. Mum loved to sing and always had music on.
‘Mum?’
No response.
I checked downstairs. A full mug of tea stood beside the kettle. I held my hand against it. Cold.
Heart racing, I took the stairs two at a time. ‘Mum? Where are you?’
In her bedroom, the doors of Dad’s wardrobe were open, the hangers empty, the shelves bare, a pile of his clothes heaped on the floor.
I could hear the fan going in the en-suite and yanked open the door. No-one there. But in the sink there was an empty box of paracetamol.
‘Shit!’ I raced out of the en-suite yelling for her. The bathroom was empty. The spare bedroom was empty. Then I pushed open the door to my old bedroom and there she was, slumped face-down on my bed.
‘Mum! No!’ It felt like I was in a dream, swimming through heavy air as I tried to get to her. Her face was pale, her long, blonde hair hanging in limp locks across her forehead, her lips tinged with blue. But she was breathing – a shallow, gurgling sound.
Adrenaline kicking in, I removed the pillows and pushed her hair back from her face. I manoeuvred her into the recovery position with one hand as I dialled 999.
‘Oh, Josh!’ Sam steepled her hands against her mouth. ‘I don’t know what to say. Your poor mum. Poor you. That must have been terrifying.’
I gulped. ‘I really thought I’d lost her that day, just like I thought I’d lost you that night in the barn.’
She shuffled closer and wrapped her arms round me. She didn’t say anything but I felt every unspoken word emanating from her. She’d found her Gramps and Thomas dead so she knew the anguish, shared the pain.
‘She’d never had any mental health problems before, even when she lost Kayleigh,’ I said eventually. ‘She doesn’t know what made her do it but it wasn’t a calculated decision to end her life. She told me that the shock of it all helped her to hold it together while he was there but, as soon as he left, she was furious. She stormed upstairs, yanked his clothes off hangers in a frenzy, unsure whether to cut them up, burn them, throw them out the window or give them away. Next minute she was slumped to the floor in floods of tears. Crying gave her a headache so she went to the en-suite and took a couple of paracetamol and, without pausing to think, she popped the rest out onto her hand and swallowed the lot.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Sam whispered. ‘No wonder you don’t want anything to do with him.’
‘I can’t. Not after that. If I hadn’t driven over when I did…’ I shuddered at the thought. ‘Mum’s fine now. She’s moved on. There was no lasting damage and I’m not worried it’s something that will ever happen again but I can’t bury the fact that I nearly lost her. Since then, she’s been amazing. Moving and retraining have been the making of her and she’s in a really good place now. She got tearful when I told her earlier that they’re expecting a girl but it wasn’t because she was upset about him having another baby. It was because she’s thrilled that he’s having the daughter he always longed for. He put her through hell and she still somehow manages to feel happy for him.’
‘That takes some strength of character.’
‘You know who Mum reminds me of?’ I shifted position so I could face Sam. ‘You.’
‘Me?’
‘You’ve both got that same quiet determination and resilience and you’re both able to see the best in people, including those who hurt you the most. You’re both amazing.’
‘Thank you. And thanks for telling me about your mum. I always understood the hurt but this adds another dimension to it. I’m sorry I ever questioned you about cutting your dad out of your life.’
‘And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. It’s not easy to talk about.’
Sam cuddled in close again and we lay there, our breathing in time with each other until she drifted off to sleep. I eased out from under her and covered her with a throw and sat on the coffee table watching her. Would I tell Lewis and Danny too? It had been painful to relive it just now but it wouldn’t quite be so hard saying it again. Sam snuffled in her sleep and I thought about what she’d say to that: who would it benefit? And she was right. Who would it benefit? Nobody. Not even me. Surprisingly, the thought of turning them even more against him didn’t make me happy.
I sighed as I stood up. She knew everything now. Almost.
28
Samantha
How bad was it that I’d fallen asleep on Josh after he’d poured his heart out about his mum? I’d tried to fight it but my eyelids had felt so heavy and I’d been so comfortable lying against his chest that fatigue had overcome me. I’ve no idea how he managed to move off the sofa without disturbing me and only had a vague recollection of it being dark and him helping me up the stairs and into bed.
I woke up on Friday morning a little after nine, feeling so much better for sleeping round the clock. Josh had left a note on my bedside drawers:
To my gorgeous badass hedgehog saviour
Sorry for leaving without saying goodbye but you needed the sleep.
The hogs are fed & watered. Your dad and I shared hoglet duty last night and I’ve taken them to work.
Mum’s downstairs. We know there’s no chance you’ll rest up completely – especially now you’re a full-time badass hedgehog saviour – so she’s your PA for the day to share the burden.
Missing you
Josh xx
After using the bathroom – and grimacing at the angry purple and black bruises down my right arm – I padded downstairs in search of Connie. She was at the kitchen table, flicking through a textbook and tapping something into a laptop.
‘I see Josh has roped you into babysitting duty,’ I joked.
She looked up and smiled. ‘I volunteered. I know you’re more than capable of looking after yourself but I thought you might like the company and the help. I’d certainly appreciate some company for a change. Hope that’s okay.’
I smiled back. ‘More than okay. I have a million and one things I haven’t got around to, like setting up on social media. It wo
uld be great to have some help.’
By lunchtime, Connie had set up an email address, secured a website domain name, and created profiles for Hedgehog Hollow on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I began a blog, adding in some photos of our current patients and explaining why they’d been brought in and the treatment they’d received.
I’d emailed the head teacher at Bentonbray Primary School after their generous delivery arrived but rang her now to confirm a date for the children to visit after half-term. Terry – the man who’d brought Arwen in a fortnight ago after she’d got tangled in the goalpost netting – had texted me with the name and contact details of the community leader for his village, Jeanette Kingston, so I emailed her asking if there was a good time to meet over the next couple of weeks. I’d originally planned on sending her the pictures of the damage to Arwen but decided the images could be distressing. The softly-softly approach was more likely to generate the results. I wanted to get the community onside, not alienate them.
It was lovely spending time with Connie. I’d warmed to her the moment we met and had always enjoyed her company but we’d never spent time alone until now. While we worked, she regaled me with amusing stories from Josh’s childhood and some of the pranks Josh, Lewis and Danny used to play on each other. When she spoke about Paul, I couldn’t help noticing the warmth in her voice and the wistful expression.
‘Sounds like Josh had a great childhood.’
‘Oh, he did. It was wonderful that he had Lewis and Danny to play with and it meant a lot to Paul and me to have them in our lives too.’
I closed my laptop lid. ‘I’m really sorry about what happened.’
New Arrivals at Hedgehog Hollow Page 15
