Shattered Love: Book one of the Forever us series
Page 18
“Yes, right, blame it on me, although you instigated me, too. Remember?”
“Well, we had to make up for all the missed opportunities.”
Yes, I had to make up for years of pent-up energy, frustration, and hunger. How I stayed sane during those years is worth at least a trophy.”
“We came home and slept for the next twenty-four hours. They thought we had a virus.”
“But we did catch a virus, Bria. The too much lovemaking virus.”
Our bodies quake with laughter at the memory. How I miss those times, and nothing can ever bring them back. My other enemy is my capacity to memorialize everything. Why can’t I forget about those times? I squished my all-consuming love for Bria, but it appears it’s the memory of her I can’t get rid of.
“If it’s even possible, I fell deeper in love with you on that holiday, Damien.”
Sincerity shines in her eyes, and it guts me.
“I would have made every one of your wishes come true, Bria, if you’d stayed by my side. Now, we’ll never know how far we would have gone.”
I peer at her as she rests her chin on her knees and rocks on her bottom and asks me in a meek voice, “Even if I’d said I wanted a baby at eighteen?”
“Didn’t you hear me, Bria? Everything, until the last one and more. Even if it had meant sharing you with our baby, it would have made me the happiest and proudest man on earth to call you my wife and put the seed of our love inside you.”
Her lower lip wobbles, and her eyes flood with fat tears. My heart cracks, and I gather her in my arms. Through whimpers, she murmurs, “Keep reiterating the last part, and I swear, Damien, you will not need another revenge plan. The pain, Damien, it’s killing me. It chops me every day, bit by bit. Everything else in me is so damn numb, but the pain is all-consuming and always present.”
I am stare-shocked, and my body carves into a statue by her strong physical reaction. Isn’t her pain what I wished for, then why does it cripple me to see her like this?
I kiss her temple and brush her hair as I gather her in my arms. “Would you have wanted a baby at eighteen, Bria?”
The sigh rushing from her body slices me.
“I wanted everything with you, Damien, and if possible, all at once.” She just had to ask, but instead, she betrayed me. Split between her treason and her distress, I end up comforting her. Tomorrow I will recoil, but for now, I hold her to my chest.
Am I being naïve? Would everything have gone as smoothly? Even if not, I would have slain every obstacle. Since I can recall, this had been my plan—being with Bria and exceeding in business. The sour taste of half-failure grazes my taste buds, and my voice cracks, “By now we would have been celebrating our sixth wedding anniversary, and I’m sure the birth of at least two babies. So, yes, a family is what I’ve longed to give us, but it will never manifest.”
As if she could gauge my distress, she lifts her hands and caresses my back. I sniff her floral scent to ground me here with her, far away from all the what-ifs we would never get the chance to relive.
“Do you feel it, Bria? The pain chewing your skin and spitting it on the ground, and you bleed and bleed, but it’s not enough to die of the loss? Because this is how I feel every time I picture that future. Still madly in love, still rocking the entrepreneurial arena, and being a daddy to the most beautiful girl in the world, a miniature of her stunning mommy and a sweet baby boy. You three would have made me the happiest and proudest man alive.”
She clenches her arms around me squeezing me with her petite frame as I go limp in her arms.
“But I took it away from us. That is what you were going to add.”
“Good to know you can read minds now.” My voice drips with sarcasm as she whispers, “Damien, please, you can still have all of these, you know—”
“If you say it, Bria, I will lose it. I swear it. Don’t you even dare! Actually, how can you insinuate such a thing after I just spilled my guts and drew you a picture of how our future would have looked? How can you go and imply I could have something… what? Similar? Acceptable? What, Bria? Well, let me tell you, there’s nothing that can ever compare to this perfect family portrait of you and me. So, just once, show an ounce of respect for our love.”
I shake her, and her head drops.
“Do you realize we start by reminiscing about beautiful chapters of our love, but we end jousting over things we are incapable of changing?”
She strokes my jaw, and my muscles relax. I bury my face in her soft palm, and I let her warmth ground me here, with her.
“I think it’s just how things are, Bria. They are so interlinked there’s no one without the other. Both the good and the bad shaped our lives, so we have to cope with our frustration.”
Yes, then when will you begin dealing with it? Now this is a fine example of a double standard, Damien. Keep telling it, and maybe it will infiltrate that thick skull of yours. I’m losing my damn mind by the minute.
DAMIEN
Bria leaps off the bed as I stretch my muscles. In her place remains just a trace of her form like a 3D picture. She hops on the window seat, and the space accommodates her fully the moment she raises her knees to her chin. Her face cranes toward the stars as her fingers wipe the corners of her eyes. My heart speeds up the moment my head crooks to size her up. Her shiny hair covers her chest. Two-thirds of her legs peek from under her dress, and her silky skin glistens in the low light. Her voice jolts me from the trance she put me in in the first place.
“Let’s move on to number five on your top ten memories list,” Bria mutters.
“Halfway point already! My number five is the weekend trip to the French Alps you and I and Sophia and Filip spent together during my spring break.
“We drove from Zürich to St. Moritz and checked into the suite. Oh, if that whirlpool could talk, Bria! I forgot my name the first night I had taken you after a month of living like a monk. The snow on the mountains sparkled like precious gems under the moonlight. And the stars, I swear, Bria, they bounced in your shining eyes.”
She tilts her head, round cheeks turning pink, and eyes glistening with playfulness.
“And for how long? I couldn’t even stand afterward, so you had to carry me to the bed. I think I’d long been asleep before you tucked me in those cozy blankets.”
“I held you the entire night. Sleep eluded me as I laid there beside you inhaling your addictive fragrance, clenching you in my arms, tracing patterns on your exposed back, and daydreaming about the future. And all the time, I thought how blessed I was to have you, Bria.”
“We were late for breakfast, and, of course, our siblings scowled. Sophia kept yelling in our faces about our disgusting public affection, that it wasn’t cool to be kissing all the time and acting so stupidly in love.”
“Well, puberty hormones sure hit her hard with her temper.”
No one would ever believe she used to be a spitfire and a brat looking at the tamed, indrawn version of her now. Sophia’s moods switched from “let’s hug” and “I love you two” to stomping away and shouting how we embarrassed her.
“Right. And then Filip turned into a recluse. He hardly ever came out of his bathroom anymore.”
“Oh, Bria, believe me, you don’t want to know the need of a teenage boy to wash himself. It is overwhelming. It feels like you’ve discovered Nirvana.”
Her mouth hangs open, and indignation laces her words.
“Damien!”
“Ha, ha, ha, such a cliché-girl reaction.”
Her hand flies to her mouth to sniffle her giggles. It is music to my ears. I jump to my feet as I need her flush skin against mine, and rush to her, and entwine our fingers. Her back leans on the window as her legs spread, and I lodge myself between her heat. My hand rests to her exposed thigh, and through half-lidded eyes, she says, “I am a woman, now, you know.”
“Oh, believe me, I won’t forget the day you became a woman. If you reminisce about it, I was there.” I wink at her, and she poke
s me in the ribs as I buck.
“Let me assure you this is not something a woman forgets, so please, you can come off your ego high and back to planet Earth.”
“How not gentlemanish of me.”
She taps one finger on her arched lips, a fine line appearing between her brows, and after a nod more to herself, she deadpans, “That’s not even a word.”
Why does she have to be this adorable? It makes me weak in my knees.
“Not the point, and you know what I meant. But all in all, we were all four together for the weekend, the A-Team reunited on a peaceful, funny weekend.”
All of a sudden, she smacks me on my upper arm and then crosses her arms over her chest.
“Peaceful, Damien? Peaceful? Did you forget you fractured a guy’s nose?”
I raise my hands in the air and say without a trace of remorse, “The scumbag deserved it after he grabbed your bottom after you passed by, and smirked as if proud for touching you without permission.”
The memory still has the power to affect me when I realize my palms ball into fists at my side. Bria places her hands above mine, I open them and our fingers interlace, and my anger evaporates.
She sighs and yanks my face toward her. “Damien, I think me shouting at him while everyone stared him down sent him the message for you not having to show your fighting prowess too.”
“But if I remember correctly, you didn’t seem to mind it too much based on what happened afterward.”
I waggle my brows at her, and there it is in all its glory, a beam of red color spreading from her cheeks to her neck as a flash of recognition dawns on her. I missed you, old buddy. I grin like a fool at the visual as she slams her head on my stomach and growls.
“Well, you idiot, I was just too concerned for you. Your knuckles were bleeding, but your ego kept you from feeling any pain.”
“I think the correct answer is it was adrenaline-induced.”
“Thanks for the correction, you arrogant ass.”
How I missed her snarky comments, they are such a turn on.
“But you took good care of my hand and other parts of my body that day.”
Her head shoots up, she grips my chin, and shakes it as she bites her bottom lip. My grin only widens.
“Of course, it’s one of your favorite memories. Now, I get it.”
“Shall I say it or let you have the honor?”
“You’re crass.” She shields her face behind her palms as a giggle slips out.
Is she trying to feign horror? Well, it isn’t working.
“And you gave this ass his first blowjob ever. You did a great job of taming the caveman in me. I expected no sex at all with you shouting at me all the way to our suite, but then I received such an unexpected reward. You ruined my good guy image because I got all the kinkiness by being bad.”
Bria peers at me as I lean into her, and she grabs my face. “You are incorrigible. I wanted the trip to be memorable for you. Maybe the timing was all bad, but I don’t regret it. Your eyes bulged, and your jaw dropped when I came from the bathroom after cleaning your hand… priceless.”
Oh, she wishes to play? No, problem baby. I’m the right man. My grin could be seen from outer space.
“And you were wearing this fucking sexy, black lace, see-through lingerie. My adrenaline kicked right back in when I saw you in it, and then you blew me off, literally.”
“You smart ass. And when I got to my knees, you kept babbling… what were the exact words, Damien?”
It doesn’t help that her fingers curl around my belt as she inches me further to her. The shyness pulverizes, and the vixen shows up as I gulp my desire down.
“Okay, I admit it. It was not one of my brightest moments. But I had been fantasizing about it for months.”
My eyes are glued to her luscious mouth as her tongue peeks out and moistens her lower lip. My vision blurs with lust.
“The grin plastered on your face afterward, Damien…” She smiles. “You didn’t talk for minutes, and you stared up at the ceiling, eyes glowing.”
I conclude she likes to torment me. How the hell can I think of anything else than her lips wrapped around me now?”
What brings my sincerity to me? A slap on the abdomen. I buckle and withdraw my hands.
“I regret not teasing you more for a while. You sure deserved it.”
I’m sure but, hey, I never implied I’ve been a good guy just one in love.
I place my hands on the window, caging her face as I dip my head and whisper, “Believe me, baby, I would have combusted, so you saved a life with your selflessness. I can’t forget your lips on me, and your hot, moist, and probing tongue. It propelled me straight to paradise.”
I kiss the top of her small nose as she gulps and says in a hushed tone, “All you spilled was, ‘Bria, baby, I love you so much. You’re perfect. What you’re doing is perfect, and for the love of all that is sacred, don’t stop’. Well, it was the first time. You would think it was perfect.”
I’m used to the many sides of Bria, but her insecurity guts me. To me there are two types of sex, fucking, and sex with her that’s in a class on its own, nothing and no one can top.
I don’t want her to doubt herself, so I put my lips to her ear and confess, “You were the best, Bria, believe me.”
The baby hairs on her neck stand up, and her words leave me all warm inside. “I loved you, Damien, like there was no tomorrow. In all the years we were together, it’s how I loved you every day. Like it was my last day on earth, and I had to show all of what you meant to me.”
“I know you gave it all until there was nothing more to give. I felt it until…”
Until you wrecked me, Bria.
She hugs her waist and tilts her head to the side, her teeth jabbing into her lower lip, and tears gathering in the corner of her eyes.
I brush her cheek and sway her toward me. I croak, “Bria. You were my world.”
She grips my hands in hers as her intense gaze pierces me. “Damien, there was not even a second I didn’t feel cherished and loved by you. The love blazing in your eyes whenever you spotted me is an image I can’t erase, raw adoration, love scratching on obsession. The intensity rippled inside me. Us being together felt so right, so natural as if we were destined to be together.”
I ache to shout at her the same question she has no answer for. Why the fuck did you ruin us then? Didn’t I fucking deserve an explanation, closure, or peace? But I purse my lips and shove my anger back in the pit of my stomach.
DAMIEN
I extend my hand, and she grabs it. Like what we’ve done for years. The intimacy of our behavior twists my insides into a knot. I gulp at the nagging feeling of looming agony just to prolong these feelings of home she ignites in me a little longer. Back on the plush mattress, I bring her to me as my nostrils inhale her scent.
“Number four, Damien.”
“Number four. You skipped an entire week of school to accompany me to London when I started college.”
Her wide eyes sparkle with a happy recollection.
“Oh, Damien, the apartment was so beautiful.
Bria clasps her hands in front of her and with a dreamy gaze in her eyes she adds, “It was our first home together even though you would spend the next year without me in it until I could join you and start my classes. Twenty-seven hundred square feet with three bedrooms, each with an adjoining dressing room and gorgeous bathroom, black shiny marble and silver posh accessories. But the best part was our master bedroom with its king-size bed. We could see the Thames passing by from our balcony and London’s skyline. And, it was near the new headquarters and still far enough we could enjoy our youth and love without feeling the pressure of our upcoming responsibilities.”
Lines mine her forehead, and I dip my head to kiss them away.
“Don’t forget the wall of photographs. I spent at least six hours on it, but it was all worth it to see your excited and awestruck reaction,” she says, entrapping all my attention.
“Sue me, Bria.” I challenge, and wink at her.
“Nah. What would I do if I win and you are locked up? There is no me without you.”
We both stiffen at her admission, the lump in my throat chocking me, and her eyes widen. Why is she tormenting me like this?
She envelops my hand, and changes the subject. “And our constant visits to Holland Park when I came to visit.”
“And all because of the Japanese Kyoto Gardens with the waterfall. You always admired the dahlias and the koi carp. You were as excited as the children in the park.”
She presses her face in her hand, her dreamy eyes lock on mine and she says, “Don’t forget the peacocks with their rich-colored feathers, strutting around, and the many kisses we shared on the bridge at the foot of the waterfall.”
I trace with my finger around the contour of her plump lips. Every inch of her calls to mine. She stills, and I crave to have her.
“You would circle me, showing me your perfect set of pearly teeth, arms raised, gesticulating incessantly with every word you uttered, then grab my hand as I had to follow your lead through the park. When you saw something you liked, the highlight would be you jumping straight into my arms and enveloping my face with your ardent kisses as strangers stopped to stare at us, some smiling and others wrinkling their noses. I encouraged you so I could admire the view and your display of love. I did everything for my selfish pleasure.”
“You liar.”
My fingers and head slump, and I confess, “The last part, though, only the last part. I’ve always lived for you to smile at me, and so I tried to make you happy. So often, in the years that followed, I imagined us having children of our own. And my most fervent wish was never to become a reality.”
“You just have to want it, and one day you’ll have it.”
She undoes me as tremors rock her body, and her head hangs. I heave her as she lets out a small gasp and plop her on top of me. I make sure our eyes are locked when I deadpan. “But not with you, Bria, and so my turmoil begins.”