Nightmares! the Sleepwalker Tonic

by Jason Segel

  “Teachings?” Jack looked confused, and Charlie was pleased.

  “I’m familiar with Medusa’s teachings,” he announced. “In fact, you could say your president is an old friend of mine. I was here in the Netherworld the day she turned your last leader to stone. And I heard her tell the crowds that a Nightmare’s true job is to help humans.”

  The alien sighed like a love-struck schoolboy. “Ah yes, it was a glorious day. Medusa freed our land from that tyrant and his goblin armies. And there’s no doubt in my mind that she’ll solve our latest problem as well—even though there are many here in the Netherworld who say she’s to blame.”

  “To blame?” Charlie felt his stomach drop. “For what?”

  The alien shook his head with such sadness that Charlie was almost sorry he’d asked. “There are no words to describe what is happening here. It will be better if I show you.” The little gray Nightmare took his rightful place in the captain’s chair. From his perch he pointed to a long strip of glass. “You may stand by the windows.”

  Jack and Charlie stood side by side as the spaceship soundlessly rose higher into the air. The Netherworld forest lay just below them. Overhead there was nothing—no stars in the sky and no moon. Just darkness designed to look like night.

  The UFO traveled smoothly above the treetops until suddenly they reached the edge of the woods.

  Charlie pressed his forehead to the glass for a better look.

  “What is that?” Jack whispered, his voice filled with awe.

  Beyond the trees lay a hole bigger and wider than any that Charlie had ever seen. Gunshots rang out, and Charlie almost ducked for cover. Then he realized they weren’t gunshots at all but the sound of tree roots snapping. As he watched, a giant oak toppled into the abyss. Charlie waited, but he never heard it hit bottom. He suspected the chasm didn’t have one. And it was growing.

  “If you travel around the Netherworld, you’ll see that most bad dreams aren’t set in exotic locations,” the alien explained. “People’s nightmares usually take place in their own hometowns. That’s why almost every town in your world has a double over here.”

  The alien rose from the captain’s chair and joined Charlie and Jack at the window. Charlie watched the creature as he stared down at the hole.

  “And?” Jack asked impatiently.

  The alien looked up at the two boys, his expression grim. “And below us is all that’s left of the Netherworld’s Orville Falls.”

  Charlie felt his knees go weak. The damage was worse than he had ever imagined. “You mean it’s all gone?” he asked. “Where did it go?”

  “No one knows for sure,” the alien explained. “A couple of weeks ago, humans stopped showing up at night. The buildings started to crumble, and then a few days ago, the whole place started to sink. We don’t know how deep the hole is. But every night, it gets wider. It won’t be long before the entire forest is gone.”

  Another tree plunged into the abyss, its roots sending a dark spray of dirt into the air.

  “You two live in Cypress Creek?” the alien asked.

  “Yeah,” Charlie confirmed.

  The alien pointed to a cluster of lights on the other side of the forest. “That’s Cypress Creek,” he said. “Unless someone stops this, you guys are going to be next.”

  The UFO beamed Charlie and Jack down next to a crumbling copy of the Colosseum at the edge of the nightmare version of Cypress Creek. Charlie led the way, annoyed that Jack seemed more familiar with the lay of the land. Twice, Charlie would have taken a wrong turn if his little brother hadn’t stepped forward to guide them. When at last they reached the Netherworld Cypress Creek courthouse, they found it surrounded by angry Nightmares. There were giant spiders and oozing blobs, slithering millipedes with human heads, and ghosts without any heads at all. The hideous crowd was chanting. “FILL THE HOLE! FILL THE HOLE!”

  Charlie pressed down his growing anxiety. The monsters assembled at the Netherworld courthouse would have made anyone tremble, but Charlie wanted to show his brother which Laird family member was bravest.

  “Isn’t this awesome?” Jack marveled, grinning wildly. “It’s like something out of a comic book.”

  “Wait. You’re still not scared?” Charlie asked, more disappointed than shocked.

  “Of what?” Jack responded. “These guys?” He gave a little wave to a hulking, one-eyed Cyclops across the square. To Charlie’s utter surprise, the creature waved back.

  “Do you know that thing?” Charlie whispered to his brother.

  “Bruno? Not well” was the reply. “We played chess a few times, but he wasn’t very good.” Jack leaned toward Charlie and whispered conspiratorially, “No depth perception.”

  Charlie’s heart sank, and he slowed down until he came to a stop. He watched his little brother continue along, forging his way through the crowd and chattering as if Charlie were still by his side. Charlie felt sick. For as long as he could remember, Jack had always been the cute Laird brother. The charming one. The boy no one could find the heart to punish. The boy no one ever said no to. And Charlie had always been utterly normal.

  He’d thought his adventure in the Netherworld had changed all of that. For a little while, he’d been the special one. Charlie should have known that it was never going to last. He tried to tell himself not to be so selfish, but he just couldn’t help it. The Netherworld was supposed to be his, and he didn’t want to share it.

  Charlie snapped himself out of it and rushed to catch up with his brother. The boy had made it as far as the courthouse entrance, where he’d been stopped by a rather officious-looking ogre. Only a few feet away stood the statue of Medusa’s heroic son, the gorgon Basil Meduso, who had retired from the Netherworld by turning himself into stone.

  “No one goes inside the courthouse. Orders of the president,” the ogre was announcing as Charlie walked up.

  Jack answered with a winning smile. “Hey, are you one of the—” he began to ask.

  “We’re here to see Medusa,” Charlie interrupted before his brother could get them both into trouble. “It’s a matter of life and death.”

  The ogre tightened his grip on his club as though he were itching to use it. His skin was the mottled green of an algae-covered pond, and two yellow tusks protruded from his lower lip. “No one goes in,” the ogre repeated. Then he bent over and sniffed at them, his nostrils only inches from their chests. “Especially not stinky humans.”

  It wasn’t much of an insult, coming from someone whose breath reeked of rotting meat. “But—” Charlie started to protest, and Jack tugged on the back of his shirt.

  “Let me try,” he begged.

  Charlie threw up his hands. “Be my guest,” he said, and stepped aside.

  “You know, you look really familiar.” Jack smiled up at the monster. “Are you one of the Nightmares who live under the Allen Street Bridge?”

  The ogre glowered down at the strange little scamp. “So what if I am?”

  “I’m friends with Orog,” Jack said. “How’s he doing these days? Still feeling okay?”

  The ogre’s eyes narrowed. “You are the tiny human he speaks of?” he demanded. When Jack nodded, the ogre threw his club to the side and snatched the boy off the ground. Charlie figured his brother was done for—until he realized that the Nightmare creature was squeezing Jack in a hug.

  Charlie watched the scene in horror and awe. “Who is Orog?” he asked weakly.

  “My brother,” the ogre said, choking back tears. “For years, no one was frightened of him. They would just laugh and say he looked like someone named Shrek. It was so bad that Orog gave up and planned to retire. And then this human helped him remember how to be scary.” He held Jack out at arm’s length. “What can I do to repay you? You can have anything. Anything!” he declared.

  “Can you please put me down?” Jack wheezed, struggling to breathe.

  “So sorry!” the ogre cried, gently lowering the little boy to the ground.

  Jack sucked i
n a deep breath, and his blue face returned to a healthy pink. “Thanks! Maybe now you can tell us where to find Medusa.”

  “Yes! I can do that!” The ogre sounded thrilled to oblige. “She’s just inside the building. Climb the stairs to the second floor and look for a room with two big doors. You’ll find her there. Do you need an escort? Would you like me to carry you?”

  “Nope. We’re all good,” Jack said. He’d already dusted himself off and was starting for the courthouse. “Thanks for the help,” he called back at the ogre. “And tell your brother I said hi!”

  Charlie waited until they were safely inside and out of earshot before he asked the question that had been bouncing around in his mind.

  “How many times have you been to the Netherworld, Jack? And tell me the truth this time.”

  “A dozen?” Jack replied.

  Charlie couldn’t believe it. “Really?”

  “Okay, maybe two?” Jack admitted.

  “Two dozen times?” Charlie croaked, barely able to get the words out.

  “I dunno. Maybe three?” Jack said.

  Charlie decided right then not to ask any more questions.

  —

  The last time Charlie had visited the courthouse, it had been filled to the rafters with giant grubs, talking cockroaches, and bloodsucking vampires. Now the place was practically empty. The only creature he and Jack passed on their way up the cracked marble stairs was an addled-looking gremlin who was so intent on getting to the exit that he barely glanced at the boys as he rushed by. Charlie and Jack looked at each other, shrugged, and kept on climbing.

  The staircase ended at a set of double doors just like the ogre had described. Charlie stopped, but Jack didn’t hesitate. He walked right up to the doors and threw them open, revealing a once grand room that was now in shambles. The velvet drapes hanging from the windows were shredded from top to bottom, as if something with very long claws had ripped through them. Black beetles scuttled across the wood-paneled walls, and the dust floating in the air was so thick that Charlie could barely breathe.

  The room was enormous and the table in the center seemed a long way off, but Charlie still managed to spot Medusa at the end, surrounded by her advisors. There was a lady with the face of a pig, a man with two heads, a giant toad—and a particularly terrifying human-shaped creature who wore thick white face paint and a round rubber nose. Medusa was dressed in a somber black suit from the waist up. Her long tail was coiled beneath the table.

  “Stop!” The order came the second Charlie and Jack stepped through the door. Guards appeared on either side of the brothers.

  Medusa looked up and the snakes that sprang from her head writhed and hissed when they spotted the two boys.

  “I said no interruptions!” the gorgon cried, one elegant hand reaching for the sunglasses that shielded her deadly eyes. “Remove the intruders at once!” she ordered the guards.

  The clown by her side began to giggle maniacally. “Wait just a moment, Madam President.” He rose from his seat. “Is that Charlie?”

  “Charlie?” Medusa repeated as if trying to place the name. Then her face broke into a magnificent smile that showcased two sharp fangs. “Charlie!” She rose quickly, knocking over her chair, and slithered toward the two boys. When she reached Charlie, she pulled him into a heartfelt hug. “Oh, I’ve missed you!”

  “Welcome back!” Dabney cried, grabbing Charlie as soon as Medusa had set him free.

  “I’ve missed you guys too,” Charlie said. And once he’d been released from the clown’s embrace, he pointed to the boy beside him. “I’d like you to meet my little brother.”

  Medusa bent down and examined Jack from head to toe, but she didn’t seem satisfied. “Close your eyes, boy,” she ordered. “I want to have a better look at you. Don’t sneak a peek or you’ll be turned to stone.”

  Jack squeezed his eyes shut as Medusa removed her glasses.

  “Yes, I thought I recognized you,” Medusa said. She replaced her glasses. “This little troublemaker has been spotted all over the Netherworld. He’s starred in countless hours of security footage, all of which I’ve reviewed myself. And I can’t tell you how many calls I’ve received from terrified Nightmares who claim to have seen or smelled a human child. We’ve been trying to catch him for months.”

  Dabney squatted down and stuck his face close to Jack’s. “You’ve had us all quite worried, you know. Humans aren’t meant to run loose on this side.”

  Charlie shot his brother a furious look, and Jack grinned mischievously. Then Medusa smiled and Dabney broke into giggles. A hot wave of jealousy rushed over Charlie. It seemed unbelievable, but Jack’s charms were just as effective on Medusa as they were on everyone else.

  Yet Medusa’s smile didn’t last long. “As much as I would love to spend time with you humans, I’m afraid you’ll have to go,” she said.

  “We’re experiencing a bit of an emergency here,” Dabney began to explain, “and—”

  “We know what’s happening. We saw the hole,” Jack interrupted the clown. “And we think we know what caused it.”

  “You do?” Medusa asked, clearly surprised. She looked to Charlie for confirmation. “Is this true, Charlie?”

  He could have kissed the gorgon for asking him and not his brother. “We do,” Charlie solemnly confirmed. “That’s why we’re here.”

  “Then, please.” Medusa gestured to two empty chairs at the end of the table. “Have a seat.”

  Medusa and Dabney returned to their places, and Charlie told the president and her council everything he knew about the Tranquility Tonic and the Walkers in Orville Falls. For the first time all night, Jack stayed quiet. Charlie’s audience listened with rapt attention. And every word seemed to make Medusa more upset.

  “Your stepmother was correct,” she said once Charlie had finished. “The tonic is not from the Waking World. Nothing on your side is powerful enough to stop dreams or nightmares. The tonic could have come from only one place—the Netherworld.” The gorgon sounded almost proud. “Someone must have smuggled it into the Waking World.”

  “But that’s just not possible! We’ve been guarding the portal the whole time!” Charlie insisted. “No one could have brought it through!”

  The large, wart-covered toad hopped up onto the table and cleared his throat. “Madam President,” he croaked. “Perhaps we should consider the prophecy?”

  “Absolutely not!” Medusa snapped. “Everyone knows that the prophecy is nothing but nonsense! All prophecies are! Have you forgotten all those nightmares humans kept having about Y2K? And then the end of the Mayan calendar? Every ten years, the humans are convinced it’s the end of the world, and we’re no better. And remember that prophecy that said goblins would take over the Netherworld this year? You know who started it? Goblins! And there’s no more truth in this one. It’s just a bunch of lies cooked up by bigots to make Nightmares hate humans.”

  “What’s the prophecy?” Jack asked innocently. Charlie had been thinking the very same thing.

  The two-headed man answered, both of his mouths speaking at once. The voices were deep, and when they spoke as one, the tone was ominous. “It has long been said that there will one day be a human child with the power to destroy the Netherworld.”

  “Oh,” Jack replied quietly, sounding as if he wished he hadn’t asked. Charlie couldn’t have agreed more. A prophecy about an evil human child was the last thing either of them needed.

  “Yes, but the prophecy also says that there will be another little human with the power to save us,” the pig lady added in a prissy voice.

  “Nonsense again,” Medusa said with a dismissive wave of her manicured hand. “Humans don’t have the power to either help us or harm us. The only creatures they’re likely to destroy are themselves. No offense,” she told Charlie. “Now let’s get back on track here. If these boys are right, there’s a tonic with the power to stop dreams. The tonic must have come from the Netherworld. Charlie, are you sure that no Nightmares h
ave slipped through the portal?”

  “Absolutely positive,” Charlie told her.

  “And you.” Medusa faced Jack, and her snakes slithered down to look the boy in the eye. “Have you taken any souvenirs home from your many visits to the Netherworld?”

  “Nope,” Jack said with a vigorous shake of his head. “That’s one of the rules in my stepmom’s book—don’t bring anything back to the Waking World.”

  “Like you ever follow rules,” Charlie muttered under his breath.

  Jack looked a little wounded by Charlie’s jab, but the rest of the crowd hadn’t heard.

  “Well then,” Medusa replied. “If the tonic didn’t pass through the purple mansion’s portal, it must have reached the Waking World some other way.”

  Charlie frowned. As far as he knew, there was only one passage between the two worlds. “But how?” he asked.

  “I believe there may be a second portal between our land and the humans’,” Medusa reluctantly announced to the group.

  Charlie was stunned. For more than a century and a half, his stepmother’s family had been dutifully protecting the purple mansion—and yet there could have been another portal the whole time? It was like they’d been standing guard at the Waking World’s front door while the back door had been left wide open.

  “No!” the pig lady squealed. She’d started to sweat, and she dabbed at her forehead with a lace-trimmed hanky. “That can’t be true!” Apparently the idea of a second portal was just as upsetting to her.

  “Where is the second portal?” asked Dabney. The giggle that followed couldn’t hide the fact that he was not only surprised but also a little hurt that Medusa hadn’t shared her suspicions.

  Medusa didn’t seem to notice. A change had come over the gorgon, Charlie thought. She looked as though she’d seen a ghost, and when she spoke, she sounded far away. “There’s a lighthouse that stands at the border between the Netherworld and the land of goblins,” she stated.

  Jack jumped out of his seat. “I’ve heard about a place like that!” Charlie shot him a look that shouted “SIT DOWN!” and Jack dropped back into his chair.