Insiders

by Olivia Goldsmith

  Then the ringing stopped. ‘This is a collect call from …’ the automated voice intoned.

  ‘Move it,’ Byrd was saying at the same time. He jerked her arm. With the receiver still to her ear, Jennifer heard Tom’s voice. ‘Yes, I’ll accept the charges,’ he said. And at that moment, Officer Byrd grabbed the phone and jammed it into the receiver.

  ‘Get to your house, now, Spencer! You’re being written up for this,’ Byrd said, his face flushed almost purple. ‘Just two more incidents and you’ll be losing visitor’s privileges.’

  Stricken, Jennifer did as she was told.

  13

  Jennifer Spencer

  Prisoners of hope.

  Zech. 9:12

  ‘Back off and wait your ass like everybody else,’ the skinny woman hissed at Jennifer.

  Jennifer decided not to argue. She wasn’t standing any closer to the woman than anybody else was, and like everyone else she’d been waiting in line for more than half an hour to use the phone. But everyone steered clear of the harsh skinny woman. Suki told her that she was from Haiti and knew voodoo. That didn’t worry Jennifer, but the crazy look in the woman’s eye did. Three women had already used the phone, each for a ten-minute interval, and by rights the receiver should now be handed to Jennifer. But she wasn’t going to press the point with this obviously deranged, outraged woman who seemed to be getting some bad news.

  Of all the facility problems at this disgusting prison, the phones were the worst. Some bastard in some state architectural office somewhere had to think long and hard in order to make placing a phone call such a humiliating experience. Two antique-looking pay phones hung side by side in the rec room, and why they were pay phones no one could say since inmates were only allowed to make collect calls.

  Worse, they were placed just high enough on the wall so that you couldn’t sit down while using them, but neither could you stand completely upright – if you did, your head was directly in front of the television set mounted on the rec room wall. If the television was on – and it was always on – you had to crouch slightly for your entire call, and then try not to bump into the person who was crouched next to you using the other phone.

  Right now the volume on the TV was turned up full blast, and as the women on the phones shouted to be heard, everyone else who was trying to watch the television was shouting at the callers to ‘shut the fuck up!’ or ‘get your goddamn fat head out of the way!’ It was chaos.

  At last Jennifer was just a moment away from getting to the phone. Barring a lockdown, a head count, or an act of God, she would get to talk to Tom. She stared at the receiver, now being sprayed with spittle as the angry, skinny woman shouted something. Disgusting as it was, that phone was her only lifeline to the Outside.

  Jennifer called Tom’s office number and heard the phone ringing. Pamela, Tom’s secretary, picked it up. The moment she heard Pam’s voice, Jennifer began to speak, but the automated operator interrupted her to ask whether or not Pamela would accept the charges. Jennifer felt her stomach contract tightly. My God, what if Pam said no? She held her breath for what seemed a very long moment. When her call was accepted and she heard Pam’s voice say hello again, Jennifer felt actual tears of relief in her eyes.

  ‘Pam?’ she said. ‘This is Jennifer. I need to talk to Tom right away.’

  ‘Jennifer!’ Pam said brightly, as if this were a normal situation. ‘You’re calling from –’

  ‘Yes, yes! I need to talk to Tom right away,’ Jennifer repeated.

  ‘Oh, sure. He’s in a meeting but –’

  ‘Get him! Get him right now,’ Jennifer said.

  She held her breath and waited. The thirty seconds of silence seemed as long as her entire previous life. Then, when Tom’s voice said hello she felt as if her heart might explode in her chest. ‘Jen!’ he said. ‘Jen, is it you? I’ve been so worried.’

  ‘Oh, Tom,’ she cried, and she was shocked to hear how small and miserable she sounded. ‘Oh, Tom!’ She looked behind her at the line of women waiting for the phone and lowered her voice. ‘Get me out of here. This is unbelievable. You just don’t know.’

  ‘What’s happened?’ he asked.

  She realized how wide the chasm from their last good-bye to this hello was. She could never get him to understand. And she certainly didn’t have the time now. ‘Why hasn’t anything happened?’ she asked. ‘You have to get me out of here.’

  ‘Of course,’ he said. ‘God, I’ve been so worried. I couldn’t reach you and I thought you would call me right away. Why didn’t you call?’

  ‘Why didn’t I call?’ How could she possibly explain to him what this place was like? ‘That’s all I’ve been trying to do,’ she said. ‘But it’s not easy here.’ Not easy! Ha! This conversation was surreal. She herself wouldn’t believe what she’d been through if she herself hadn’t been through it. ‘Tom, what’s going on? When do I get out of here?’ She couldn’t afford to waste her precious ten minutes on any other topic.

  ‘Soon, real soon.’

  His voice, his promise, calmed her. She breathed deeply, the first deep breath of air she’d had since she’d stepped into Jennings. ‘Tomorrow?’ she asked. She really didn’t think she could go back to the filth of the laundry, and more meals in that wretched cafeteria would surely kill her.

  Tom said something she couldn’t hear. ‘What?’ she said.

  ‘Tomorrow?’ Tom was repeating. ‘No, it’s not going to be tomorrow.’

  Jennifer felt panic rising. ‘It has to be,’ she told him. ‘It has to be.’

  ‘Shut the fuck up,’ the woman using the phone beside her snarled. Jennifer lowered her voice and crouched even more to keep her head from blocking the television.

  ‘You don’t know what it’s like here,’ she said. ‘You just can’t imagine.’

  ‘I know it must be rough but …’

  ‘You don’t know anything!’ she said. ‘This is no country club. And I’m not getting any special treatment.’

  ‘Where are you?’ he asked. ‘I can barely hear you.’

  How to describe the bedlam of the rec room? ‘Never mind that,’ she said. ‘What’s going on? How soon can I get out?’

  ‘Look,’ Tom said, his voice soothing. ‘You can’t expect us to engineer all this right away. You …’

  Jennifer looked around at the rec room; inmates in grim uniforms were playing cards, building puzzles, pacing around the room dodging the broken chairs, stopping to stare at the smudges of dirt on the walls. As usual, a clearly psychotic woman was ranting and scratching at herself, but nothing was being done to help her or shut her up. Jen took in the funky smell, the palpable anger and boredom. ‘Not right away?’ she asked. ‘I don’t understand. You said it would be just for a day or two. Remember? You said it would be a country club. And that you’d get me right out. House arrest, or a commuted sentence or …’

  ‘Look, Jen, I admit it’s going a little slower than we’d like,’ Tom said calmly. ‘You just have to trust me and accept that. We can’t just bully our way through the courts on this.’

  The courts? They hadn’t planned on the courts. ‘But what about the governor?’ she asked.

  ‘White-collar crime is a big political issue right now. And your case became pretty high profile.’ He paused for a moment, and in that second or two Jen thought she’d lost him. ‘You know,’ he continued, ‘the press is still watching us very closely, and if I move too fast they’ll be all over it again. And if they are, no judge is going to take the risk of losing his bench over this case. We have to find the right time or we’ll be in a worse jam than we are now.’

  ‘We?’ Jen asked and heard the bitterness in her voice. ‘That must be the royal we that you’re using. Because I am the one incarcerated, Tom. I am the one who was strip searched. I am the one who slept in a cell with a felon. I’m the one wearing the jumpsuit and eating the crap they call food here.’ Then her anger left her all at once and was replaced by a sickening fear mixed with grief. She began to
sob. She told herself she had to stop. She couldn’t waste her phone time like this, nor let the other inmates see or hear her cry.

  ‘Oh, Jen, I know it’s tough,’ Tom soothed. ‘Look, just try to sit tight. I wish I could do this for you. And I wish I could do it quicker. But you have to believe me when I say that we’re doing absolutely everything to get you out of there. It all takes time, Jennifer.’

  Time! It already seemed as if everything in Jen’s previous life had dissolved, had evaporated, and this dirty room, these miserable and frightening women were all that she knew. ‘How long do you think it’s going to be?’ she managed to whisper.

  ‘Two weeks,’ he said. ‘Three at the most. And we’re already looking into getting you transferred or giving you some special treatment in the meantime.’

  Jen couldn’t speak. Two weeks! Another fourteen days of this! And maybe more. It was unimaginable. It was literally unbearable. She felt as if her breastbone were cracking, the pressure on her chest was so great.

  ‘Baby?’ Jen heard Tom’s voice, but she could only answer him with a nod. He, of course, couldn’t see her response. ‘Baby, are you there?’ he asked.

  ‘I don’t think I can …’ her voice trailed off, the pain moving up to her throat and choking her.

  ‘Don’t be upset, Jen,’ he said. ‘You know I love you, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ she managed.

  ‘Well I promise you that everything’s going to be all right.’ He paused and his voice became soft, really loving. ‘You have to tough it out now, Jen. We’re all behind you and we’re playing for very big stakes. Just hang on a little while, and think of the reward.’

  She clutched the receiver tightly and held it close to her. ‘I just didn’t know it would be this hard,’ Jen whispered.

  ‘Oh, baby. I’m so sorry,’ Tom told her. ‘You know I would have done it for Donald if it didn’t mean I’d be disbarred. You know what that would have done to our future.’ She nodded again. ‘So, can you just hang in there?’ he asked. ‘Think about the penthouse we’ll buy. Think about our wedding. And the cruise we’ll go on.’ He laughed, then lowered his voice. ‘Think about lying on the sand with me on a Caribbean beach.’

  ‘Enough, goddamnit!’ Jen heard the words, jumped, and then turned to see the tall dark woman from Intake, the one who had tried on her shoes. She gave Jen a push on her shoulder. ‘You’ve had more than ten minutes. You’re not the only one who has a lawyer.’

  Jen covered the receiver of the phone with her hand. ‘Just another second,’ she told the reptile coldly and turned back to the phone.

  ‘Will you come for visiting day on Saturday?’ Jennifer asked Tom.

  ‘This Saturday?’ he asked, sounding hesitant. ‘Baby, I’ve got so much work to do. We’re preparing your appeal – just in case, but we’re also making a motion for mistrial and going the pardon route.’

  ‘Please,’ she begged. ‘I only get an hour for a visitor. If I’m going to be here please come.’

  ‘I’ll try,’ Tom promised.

  ‘Hurry up, debutante,’ the woman said, and this time she hit Jen’s shoulder harder.

  ‘I’ve got to go,’ Jen said reluctantly, but even after they said good-bye and Tom had hung up, Jen found she couldn’t let go of the receiver. She still held it to her ear.

  It was Suki who finally pulled Jennifer away from the phone. ‘Come on,’ she said gently. ‘Come away, now.’ She brought Jen over to a chair. ‘Bad news or good?’ she asked, but before Jen had time to answer, a woman CO entered the unit and announced something. Jen didn’t catch what she said, but Suki jumped up and got the look of a kid on Christmas morning. ‘They’re handing out the packages!’ she said and grabbed Jennifer’s arm, happily leading her across the rec room and into the hall where two of the guards had wheeled in a large cart laden with parcels.

  ‘Are you expecting something?’ Jen asked Suki.

  ‘I never get a package,’ Suki said, then put her hand on her stomach. ‘But I got one here!’ she whispered at Jennifer. ‘But maybe you got a package today, Jenny,’ Suki offered cheerfully. Jen shook her head, but the two of them stood with the other hopeful women.

  Jennifer was shocked to see that each and every package was already torn open. Obviously the contents had been rifled through and searched for contraband, but the women all eagerly stood in line and unashamedly shouted for joy when they heard their names called as recipients of these gifts from the Outside. Jennifer watched as each inmate hungrily grabbed her package from the officers and then clutched it to her breast. Most of them scurried to their house or a far corner to examine the bounty of the contents.

  Many of the women, the forgotten ones, stood silently off to the side. They knew that they would be receiving no packages today – or perhaps any day. Their looks of envy and of unspeakable sadness nearly brought Jennifer to tears. But when other women – those who were in their crews – got something, the loners gathered around the lucky member of their prison family and shared in the delight of the presents.

  Jennifer thought of her mother. Up to now she had been so grateful that the woman who suffered enough in life hadn’t lived long enough to witness the shame and humiliation of Jennifer’s imprisonment. But right now Jennifer would give anything if she could receive a package from her mother – a package from home. She, too, wanted to open a box filled with cookies and LifeSavers and playing cards.

  All around the room there were happy squeals as packages were opened and the contents were discovered. Jennifer found herself smiling as she witnessed the joy a gift of Dr Scholl’s footpads could bring. Apparently inmates could buy a few generic healthcare products from the prison canteen, but real happiness was opening a box and finding Caress – Head and Shoulders – Visine – Rolaids – Jergens. The brand names were reverently whispered like the names of the gods of comfort and contentment. And as Jennifer watched she was amazed to see how nothing was taken for granted. Even Tampax and Preparation H were spoken of reverentially. The boxes and bottles were eagerly passed around, and the women, who were starved for any bit of normalcy or sign of life from the Outside examined every word, scent, and color of the products.

  ‘Look! They’ve changed the Keebler elves,’ one woman said with a laugh.

  ‘Let me see.’

  ‘Show me.’

  A small chorus of voices responded to each announcement.

  ‘Snickers bars keep getting smaller and smaller all the time,’ observed Flora.

  ‘I wish they would just make plain potato chips,’ said a third. ‘I don’t think my gut can take Sour Cream and Bar-B-Que Jalapeños.’

  Nutritional contents were studied and discussed, and every bit of wrapping paper and packaging was savored and saved. Many of the boxes included writing tablets and pens. One woman received an entire box of greeting cards with all of the envelopes already bearing postage stamps and preaddressed to family members. Women oohed and ahhed over the thoughtfulness of that, and they wanted to examine every card.

  There were boxes of tissues, tea bags, and Q-tips. In some packages there were sketch pads and colored pencils – even file folders and erasers.

  Jennifer’s heart ached as she watched the pleasure that such a simple present could evoke. It was too easy to say this was like a birthday or Christmas; it was more important than that. These packages were more than a celebration. They were a reassurance that beyond these pink and green and gray and orange walls there were still shopping malls and pharmacies and grocery stores, all brightly lit. Each package was not only a gift from the Outside, but a momentary trip back into the world of the living. Halls Mentho-Lyptus – Sweet’n Low – Diet Coke – Chun King. Each item proclaimed, ‘You’re not forgotten,’ ‘We remember you,’ ‘We know what you like and what you need.’ Jennifer turned away somewhat ashamed; she had been having a fit because she’d be here for a week or two.

  No one was watching the television now that the packages had arrived, and Jennifer wondered if she should ma
ke another phone call to Tom. Maybe if she could stand upright while talking to him it would be easier to discuss all the things that they had to discuss. She wished she hadn’t hung up so abruptly. She wondered if he was still in his office. Her mind was miles away from the rec room and from Jennings, so when she heard her name being called it was as if it came to her from far away.

  ‘Jennifer Spencer! Jennifer Spencer!’ shouted one of the officers. ‘Come on – use it or lose it. We don’t have all day for this.’

  ‘Jenny, you have a package!’ Suki squealed, and actually jumped up and down.

  Jennifer turned to see a small parcel being held out to her by the officer. It was the size of a shoebox, and in her haze Jennifer wondered who would be sending her a pair. She walked across the room and took the package. Suki had come to her side and was eagerly urging her on. ‘Open it up!’ she kept repeating while Jenny held the box to her chest.

  ‘It’s already opened,’ Jen pointed out.

  ‘Who do you think it’s from?’ Suki asked.

  Jennifer didn’t have a clue. Maybe Tom? But he hadn’t said anything about a package while they were on the phone. Who else could it be? Who else was there? Jennifer shivered. There was no one Outside who’d send her anything.

  ‘Let’s take it to our house,’ Suki half suggested, half begged. ‘I never get packages to share with the crew.’

  Jen smiled ruefully at the use of the word ‘house’. As if that made this all homier. But she looked at Suki’s radiant face and couldn’t refuse.

  Once they settled on the bottom bunk, Jennifer opened the box and peered inside. A tube of Crest – three Oral-B toothbrushes – Tic Tacs. She had to smile at the thought of Tom taking the time to go to a CVS or Rite Aid to purchase all of this for her. Usually she picked up this kind of stuff for him. And she had to give him credit for remembering the products she liked to use – but Tic Tacs! She’d never used those in her whole life. Well, it’s the thought that counts. There were hair care products – a shampoo, a conditioner, talcum, and other things. Tears rose in her eyes. Jennifer took out and fondled first one product then the other: her gifts. It did remind her of going through a Christmas stocking, but no stocking had ever meant so much.