Insiders

by Olivia Goldsmith

  ‘Oh, please, Warden,’ I groaned, still bent over in my chair. ‘Don’t say that if it ain’t true.’

  ‘It’s true, Movita. I’m sorry.’

  I knew that was kinda funny, her apologizin’, but I couldn’t laugh. I was starting to feel a tiny kinda happiness creepin’ on me, but then I was afraid, real afraid like this was just another dream and I’d wake up and see the pink wall again. I still couldn’t straighten up. My mind was somethin’ like paralyzed. I heard Theresa talkin’ and Suki cryin’. I was far, farther away. They were huggin’ each other and someone touched me, but I could hardly feel it.

  ‘Oh my God!’ I heard Theresa say. ‘How did she do that? Oh my God, that girl is a saint. I would’ve been here two more years before I maxed out. I’m going to faint.’

  Suki was cryin’ away, rockin’ Christina, sayin’ ‘We’re gonna go home, baby. We’re gonna go home, baby.’

  I still couldn’t believe I was goin’ home. I just sat there and listened to the Warden goin’ on about what Jennifer had done.

  ‘She got you all unconditional pardons, which means you are out of here,’ she explained. ‘You don’t have to go before any board. This is not parole. You may not know this, but it also means you can be in touch with each other on the Outside. It means you won’t have to check in, or be checked on.’

  I straightened up and looked around the room. Theresa was sittin’ on the edge of her chair as if she was already on her way out, and Suki also had a different look about her already. Like she was a more important person.

  The Warden stood up and told us to go and pack up our things, whatever we wanted to take, and to come back to her office. And then I got really afraid.

  ‘Do you mean now?’ Suki cried. ‘We can leave now?’

  The Warden laughed. ‘To tell you the truth,’ she said, ‘after twenty-four hours I’m going to have to throw you out. You are no longer inmates here.’

  I’d never fainted in my whole life, but after Warden Harding said that and everyone laughed I got woozy in my knees, like I wasn’t sure they’d hold me up no more, even though I was sittin’ in a chair. And my face and hands got all hot, like I was burnin’ up. I could feel beads of sweat breakin’ out on my forehead and under my arms, and when I looked at the light over the Warden’s desk – that light I’ve seen maybe a million times – it suddenly got real bright and started to drown out the whole room. I looked over at Theresa and Suki, maybe for some help, but they was gettin’ whiter and whiter, and seemin’ further and further away. They was lookin’ at me like they was worried, but before I could say anythin’ they faded into the light and I felt myself slide sideways off the chair. Then everythin’ just seemed to stop.

  I woke up on the floor with the Warden and Theresa fussin’ over me. The Warden was holdin’ somethin’ strongsmellin’ under my nose. Theresa had some ice. I pulled myself up but I didn’t say nothin’. I couldn’t say nothin’.

  ‘Come on, Movita,’ Theresa said to me. ‘Pull yourself together. Let’s go to our cell. I’ll help you.’ Her voice was real serious. Somehow she musta known what I was goin’ through.

  The Warden put her arms around me. ‘It’s gonna be okay, Movita,’ she said real quietly. ‘In fact, it’s gonna be more than okay. Go get your things and come back here. That’s all you have to do.’

  I got up and told Gwen I was all right. Theresa hugged me, and so did Suki, and Gwen Harding – she was just beamin’.

  ‘Go on back and take it in,’ she told me. ‘Then pack yourselves up.’

  I thanked her and nodded and we left the office. Once we got to the long corridor I started to cry but kept walkin’ along with Theresa next to me, Suki in front. I sobbed on and on like I would never stop. I was sadder durin’ that walk than I ever been in my life, which sure was strange. It was as if I was suddenly thawed out or somethin’ and thinkin’ that maybe I was not some kinda rat that is supposed to be kept in a cellar. I didn’t think those words then, I couldn’t think any words, but that’s what I remember the feelin’ bein’ like. I think I let myself cry for all the times I didn’t all the years before.

  Back in our cell, Theresa started sortin’ through her stuff. I had stopped cryin’ but I couldn’t move. She told me to just take what I wanted, and leave the rest. I think it was one of her stupid slogans, but for once it was useful. I took the pictures of my children and the pack a letters they sent me, and I don’t know what else.

  ‘Now where are we goin’?’ I asked Theresa. I stopped cryin’ and was just kinda numb by this time.

  Theresa stopped what she was doin’ and looked at me. ‘That’s actually a good question. I don’t know,’ she said. ‘And how will we get wherever we go?’

  Then she smiled. ‘Look, I’m sure the Warden will help us. We get our money – everything in the canteen fund plus what we earned working plus a hundred dollars. And then, if we sell our stock, we’re rich. Don’t forget that.’

  ‘But it all takes time.’ Crazy as it sounds, I think I was scared.

  ‘She knows we can’t just walk out of here.’ Theresa made like she was lost in the universe, wavin’ her arms and lookin’ at the ceilin’. She was jokin’ but it was how I really felt, and I bet she knew it. She had sisters and all kinda family to go to. I had the girls but …

  She came over and looked at my little pile of stuff.

  ‘Don’t you want to take anything else?’ she asked me. ‘What about a few clothes? You’ll need something to wear.’

  So I started puttin’ together a bundle but the pants and shirts that I’d designed now just looked useless to me. Toothpaste and washcloth. I was finished in a minute and went and stood by the door, like I always used to, but this time when I leaned against it, it moved.

  ‘Theresa!’ I said. ‘Ryan didn’t lock the door!’

  She came up behind me and pushed it open. ‘We are no longer inmates of this prison, Movita. We’re outta here.’

  I followed her out into the corridor holdin’ my stuff, and then turned around and looked back. I looked at my bunk and the sink and the wall without my kids’ pictures on it. It was the most horrible lookin’ place I ever saw, but I stared at it for a minute, ‘cause it was where I lived for all those years.

  In a kind of a daze we went to Suki’s cell, ‘cause she had a lot more stuff to carry than we did, all the baby paraphernalia and the baby – who was sleepin’ quietly in her bassinet. I realized I didn’t want to say good-bye to nobody who wasn’t gettin’ out right then with us because it would be too damn cruel. Then Ryan escorted us back to the Warden’s office. I was afraid maybe she’d say ‘April fool’ or something, but she didn’t.

  ‘Come with me,’ she said, puttin’ her arms out like she wanted to hug all of us at once. ‘I’m going to walk you Outside.’

  We followed her out, walkin’ along as if we were just visitors at Jennings, like the JRU groups and the tours that sometimes came through. Everybody we passed was lookin’ at us different than they had the day before. You can’t never keep a secret in a woman’s prison.

  ‘But where will we go, Warden?’ Suki asked. ‘I can go to Roger’s but … well …’

  I knew she was feeling sorry for me. I hate that. ‘I’m not sure I got a place to go,’ I admitted.

  ‘Oh, I don’t think you have to worry about that,’ she said. ‘There’s someone picking you up Outside and we’re all going out for lunch. After that we’ll take care of where you’re all settling down.’

  Well, I may be crazy but I ain’t no dummy. I knew it’d be Jennifer Spencer waitin’ out there for us. Still, it was the greatest feelin’ in the world to come out into the actual Outside and see her standin’ there. It was then that I knew it was for real.

  And of all the amazin’, outrageous things, she had come with a huge stretch limousine! Must have been six windows on each side. And when the driver opened the door, about fifty helium balloons poured out and up into the air.

  ‘Freedom!’ Jennifer said.

&nb
sp; This just started me cryin’ all over again. I was so grateful that I couldn’t even speak, so I just hugged Jennifer. Then that bitch Cher stepped out of the car! ‘You like her better than you like me?’ she asked. I swear, I was bewildered, but I hugged that girl and let everyone else do the talkin’. Cher told me later that this was the only time she ever saw me bein’ quiet.

  Everybody climbed in the big car, even the Warden, and we drove away from Jennings. For a moment everybody was quiet as we pulled through the gate. I was waitin’ for the Warden to say somethin’ about Cher and Jennifer bein’ in violation of their parole – they weren’t supposed to be together. But ol’ Gwen said nothin’. Me and Theresa looked out the tinted window, but Suki didn’t ‘cause she was busy with Christina. After that I just looked at Jennifer. To me she was the best and most beautiful person in the world and I knew I’d never live a day without thinkin’ of her and bein’ more grateful than I could ever say. Didn’t matter she was white. She was my sister. I don’t think anyone can understand how it feels to be released. Even I don’t understand it and it happened to me.

  Jennifer couldn’t get over how Christina had grown. She had to wake the child up to admire her. ‘She’s gotten so big! Honestly, Suki, she’s the cutest baby I’ve ever seen!’ she said. ‘She’s a big chubby doll!’ She took out a box, all wrapped nice. ‘Here, I have something for her. Why don’t you put it on her now?’ I just loved that the box was wrapped up beautiful and not rewrapped. I noticed right away.

  Suki opened the box and inside was a little flowered dress with a sweater to match. She took off Christina’s rompers and put on the new outfit. We were all just overcome by the beauty of the child. We began laughin’ with pleasure, ‘cause smilin’ and words were just not enough.

  Then Jennifer told us what we were goin’ to do. First we would have lunch, after which the Warden would have to go back to Jennings, and we would go into New York City. She said we could all stay at her apartment for the night and then the next day we would go home. She’d arranged for drivers. It was like a dream, I was thinkin’, and I bent my head down so that I wouldn’t faint again.

  We went to lunch at some fancy restaurant, which I thought was the most beautiful place I’d ever been in, and I said so. I was also the only African American sittin’ down, though there were several waiters and service people. I forgot how white the world Outside was. But I was so happy, nothin’ could spoil it. But when I got the menu I kinda froze up. Too many choices. I felt my fingers tighten on the card. How to choose? What to eat, what to drink? It was way too much.

  Jen saw my problem. ‘Let’s all have the Cobb salad,’ she suggested. I had no damn idea what the Cobb salad was, but I said sure, and to this day that blue crumbly cheese is the taste of freedom to me.

  ‘Missy, I’m gonna take you places that make this look like nothin’!’ Cher said to me. But I shook my head. I don’t think any place is ever gonna look so beautiful to me. Still Cher was full of fun, and she looked the bomb, and a lot younger than when she was in with us.

  But the best came last. When we came out of the restaurant, there in the parkin’ lot was another limo and out of it poured three of Theresa’s sisters, Roger Camry, his mother, and then, one by one, my girls: Jamorah, Talitha, and Kiama, all dressed real nice.

  ‘Mama!’ Jamorah cried, and ran across the tarmac, her arms open wide to give me the best hug of my life.

  53

  Maggie Rafferty

  I suppose society is wonderfully delightful. To be in it is merely a bore. But to be out of it is simply a tragedy.

  Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance

  One by one they had become dear to my heart and one by one they left me. First Jennifer Spencer was paroled, then Miss Watson, Miss LaBianco and Suki Conrad along with dear little Christina – all were pardoned. I didn’t resent their new freedom, but I did miss them. Of course, I was very busy in my new, expanded role as inmate coordinator. Dozens and dozens of women needed counseling, direction, a chance to share their grievances, and an intercessor. I filled the bill. And I wasn’t abandoned by my friends because they were pardoned, so all of them were free to write and visit me, and they already had – and frequently.

  I had begun to take my meals alone again, but the food was now so much better in the cafeteria that I frequently picked it up there and then brought it to my cell. It was a peaceful respite for me after dealing with people all day long. But when I heard the rumor that Warden Harding was leaving, and then heard it confirmed by a CO, I felt a pain that pierced my heart. Two, or sometimes three, times a week we had been having tea and sharing gossip and inmate problems in her office. Now that would be denied me, too, and I felt deeply bereft. It wasn’t that my days were empty – to the contrary, they were filled with interesting and useful activity. There were many young women I had already come to like, and with the clearly psychotic housed in their own wing, I was no longer troubled by the screaming, cursing, and bizarre behavior that could so often disrupt a meal, sleep, a class, or even a conversation. I had also come to have deep affection for Springtime, whom I worked with each morning in one of the new gardens. She rarely spoke, but her presence was soothing and I believe that somewhere in her troubled consciousness she felt the same about mine. Springtime had finally stopped trying to escape, and would have been outdoors, nursing her plants and flowers or in the new greenhouse with her seedlings twenty-four-seven, as they say here, had it been allowed.

  Since the yard had been grassed and the young birch trees planted, recreation had been extended to an area all around the perimeter of the building. I no longer had to walk in circles, figuratively and literally. A whole team was working on landscaping what we called the ‘woods walk’, a winding path all around the prison that would be visible from the guard towers (so no mischief could take place there) but would give the illusion of something approaching Arcadia to the walker. Already about a third of it was completed, and the azaleas, rhododendrons and plantings of annuals and perennials looked both natural and inviting. Many of the inmates had become really interested in landscaping and nursery work as a career and I had made sure that Flora, who had inherited my job at the library, was collecting a significant selection of horticultural books and books on careers in the nursery and gardening fields. The perimeter walk was one of the new privileges at Jennings and it was so coveted that good behavior had certainly increased among the inmates to ensure their outdoor time.

  The news, though, of Warden Harding’s departure shocked and upset me in a way I simply wasn’t prepared for. Of course, it was only a rumor, but I called her office and asked if I might come up to speak with her. The dull Miss Ringling had at last been replaced by a pleasant older woman named Ethel Schutz. No one, of course, could take Movita’s place. But a new young woman named Tulip had been, at my suggestion, given a chance. Tulip put me on hold and came back on to tell me that I could come right up. That was a comfort, but when I got there I had to wait almost twenty minutes, and the phone calls and the faxes seemed to indicate that the rumor might be true. I could, of course, ask Tulip, because she did owe me a favor, but I didn’t like to use that kind of ploy. I merely sat, my hands in my lap, and looked down at them.

  They were the hands of an old woman. It was clear that they had done a lot of labor and the speckles on them showed that I was well past menopause. They were hands that had raised two boys, diapered and burped them, hands that had touched a man with passion, hands that had gestured and demonstrated and remonstrated to countless students, and they were hands that had killed a man. I stared and stared at them, going into an almost trancelike state. Well, I thought, they were hands that would have to do without the warmth of a cup of tea with Warden Gwendolyn Harding.

  When the intercom buzzed Mrs Schutz looked up and politely told me I could join the Warden. I walked into her office expecting the worst and prepared for it. ‘So,’ I said, ‘is it true, Gwendolyn?’ After years and years of calling one another by title, we had only recent
ly gotten onto a first-name basis (although I was always careful not to use her first name in any setting but her office).

  ‘Yes, Margaret,’ Gwendolyn said, smiling broadly. She seemed not to have the slightest regret that she was moving on. Well, I couldn’t blame her.

  I tried not to show my disappointment. ‘Congratulations,’ I said, and smiled back at her.

  ‘You seem troubled, Margaret. Are you okay?’ Gwendolyn asked, concerned.

  ‘I’ll be all right. Really,’ I tried to reassure both of us. ‘Do you know who’ll be coming in to take over for you?’

  ‘Take over for me?’ Gwendolyn asked. ‘What makes you think I need to be taken over? Haven’t we been through that already?’

  ‘Well, if you’re going to be Director of Corrections, I merely assumed that …’

  ‘That I was leaving? No. I made the agreement to take on the job only if I could use this office as my base.’ Gwendolyn paused. ‘Oh, dear. If you think I’m leaving so does everybody else,’ Gwendolyn shook her head, then leaned back in her chair. ‘I’m sorry if you’ve been worried about all of this, Margaret. But I’m not going anywhere. Yes, I’ve been given more responsibilities and a new title but I’m still going to be based here at Jennings. They’ll have to lease an administrative building nearby, but I thought that you might be very involved in that work.’

  I instinctively hugged myself. Tears rose in my eyes. ‘Oh, thank heavens! You don’t know how much that means. I … just don’t think I could take any more change around here.’

  ‘Well, there will be changes, but they’ll be good ones. Speaking of changes, did you get one of these?’ Gwendolyn handed a white envelope to me.