Ice: Part I

by Penny Hawking

  Ice sniffled and nodded.

  “Yeah, I started drinking and smoking weed and hotwiring cars. Got with the wrong crowd, skipped school and all that shit.” Peyton looked down at the ground. “I wasn’t even a teen when I messed with all that…it’s just everything is so accessible to you.” Peyton lowered his eyes. “Then I started dealing and shit…didn’t need the money…just wanted to piss him off….wanted him to see me….wanted him to care…all that crap.”

  Ice turned in her seat and hugged him.

  His body was shaking. “He hated me.” Peyton said in an emotional voice.

  “No, he didn’t, he was your dad.”

  Peyton looked at her and smiled. She saw a tear fall down his right cheek. “He told me. He told me he hated me. Hated what I was doing to him and the family. That I was too young to be so fucking selfish.”

  “It’s okay.” Ice said. The scene was all too familiar. Way too familiar.

  Flashback

  “It’s your fault.” Melissa said pulling her arm. 11-year-old Ice winced. “You’re the reason why everything’s not perfect. I hate this. I hate you. I hate her. Why? Huh? Why dammit? WHY!”

  She threw Ice against the wall.

  “I loved you, you meant everything to me!” Melissa said crying. “Everything!”

  “Mom what’s wrong.” Ice panicked. She hadn’t gotten one of these outbursts in a long time. What had triggered this time.

  “Everything’s wrong! Everything! This house, this family! It wasn’t supposed to be like this!” Melissa slapped Ice and shook her violently.

  “Mom stop, mom…please.” Ice said.

  “…you…it’s always you!” She lifted her hand to strike her again and then stopped. Melissa dropped to her knees panting loudly.

  “Mom?” Ice said dropping down to her, ignoring the bruise already forming on her face. “Are you okay?”

  Melissa looked up confused. “Aniyah?”

  Ice nodded.

  Melissa hugged her tightly. “You’re the source of all my fucking problems.” She whispered.

  End flashback

  Ice hugged Peyton tightly and kissed his forehead.

  “I swear Ice, after he said that I stopped. I just dropped everything you know. I didn’t want it to be like that. I wanted to hurt him just a little bit. I wanted him just to feel a little bit how I was feeling. But I hadn’t thought about Priya, mom….about my new baby brother on the way. So, I apologized you know…I stopped hanging with them, I was a good kid. I thought everything was back to normal you know…every fucking thing was dandy.” Peyton whispered a tear escaping an eye and rolling down his cheek.

  Ice wiped his one tear and kissed his cheek. “And then when he died, it was like it took the air out of me. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think.” Peyton looked at Ice, his grey eyes looked so sorrowful. “Nobody was there for us. Nobody fucking cared. Nobody listened. Everybody walked away. All my friends and shit. They acted as though money could solve it. They acted like because I’d become so fucking rich that it didn’t matter that I’d fuckin lost….my dad.” Peyton rubbed her waist and brought her on his lap. He laid his head in the crook of her neck and inhaled her. He ran his hand slowly up and down the side of her. He kissed her neck softly as he rubbed her side.

  Ice could tell he didn’t want to talk anymore. She ran her finger through his hair.

  “Melissa cut my wrists when I was 11 just to show me how much pain I was causing her.” Ice whispered. She’d never revealed that to anybody. She stroked Peyton’s arm. “On my 6th birthday, I got 2 identical sets of a limited-edition Barbie house and car…that’s when…that’s when she started going crazy I think. She was never the same Melissa after that…”

  Ice looked down at the ground. “When we moved here, mom had a psychiatrist friend that she took me to. She told her I wasn’t stable, and I needed help. I had just come out from a children’s mental hospital after a year. I was eight I think, and I thought I could talk to somebody…anybody…maybe a shrink would help me.” Ice looked down at her fingers. “She was nice at first you know, really friendly…like a mother figure…but…” Ice turned away from Peyton and stared ahead. “…She knew…she knew when she brought me there that Dr. Mensi liked little girls. They’d known each other for ages, they’d gone to the same girl prep school.…..”

  Peyton wrapped his arms around her and pressed her back to his chest he kissed her shoulder. “If I misbehaved….she took me to her…” Ice’s voice trembled. “But when I was good, and I listened….” Tears fell down Ice’s face. “Melissa was an angel, she loved me so much.” Ice’s lip shook. “Except when she didn’t.” She wiped her face. “Do you know what it’s like, living with somebody like that? Never knowing what sets them off?”

  “That bitch.” Peyton said angrily as he tightened his arms around her.

  Ice smiled softly. “Dr. Mensi…she…she never touched me…like my private parts or stuff. She just liked to see me take off my clothes and then she’ll take pictures. She’ll brush my hair…she’ll want me to take a bath…she knew everything…everything. When I didn’t cooperate, she’ll say all these stuff…they’ll take me away and lock me up…my dad would leave…he’ll die…they’ll kill him…people would find out about me…they’ll know what I’ve done….my whole life I’ve learned…it’s much easier to submit than fight.”

  “She never touched you inappropriately?” Peyton asked carefully.

  Ice chuckled sadly. “I think she would have and twisted enough, she didn’t because of my mother. Melissa didn’t want her to touch me physically.” Ice whispered. “Dr. Mensi was supposed to destroy me mentally.”

  “Fuck, Ice…” Peyton closed his eyes in pain.

  “I was lucky I was older, I just had to sustain it till I was 10…she hated double digits. Then I never had to go to her again.” She rubbed her sweaty palms on her dress. “Then when I was 11, I saw another guy…reminded me of Santa Clause. He was nice, but he was in love with my mom. He confused me. One day he’ll tell me I was okay, that I would be okay. I was beautiful, life was gonna get better. Then the next he’ll tell me I deserved to rot in hell, I was hideous, nobody would ever want to be my friend, and all I had was Melissa. Every day he’ll switch it off and on…I actually did go a little bit crazy with him.” Ice admitted. “I guess that was the point.” Ice sighed. “Melissa got her point across.” She shook her head. “The more I depended on her and the more I listened and obeyed, the less shrinks I saw.”

  “Why would she want to make you seem crazy?” Peyton asked rubbing her back.

  Ice shook her head slowly. “Control, power….and if I talked…” she stared off sadly. “Nobody would believe me.”

  Peyton was silent for a while. Then he looked up at Ice. “ I fucked my shrink.”

  Ice’s mouth dropped open. “What?”

  Peyton nodded. “The one I got after my dad died. She was a pretty lady too. Gorgeous blonde babe from Switzerland, she was like 27. After a couple meetings I let her know I wasn’t up for talking, but I wouldn’t mind getting better acquainted. She was my first.”

  “You were like 12.” Ice said shocked. “That’s rape.”

  Peyton shrugged. “It was consensual.”

  “Could you even spell consensual at 12?” she asked in disbelief.

  Peyton laughed sadly. “She listened to me. She made me feel important.” He said bitterly. He looked down at the ground in disgust. “Besides it was better to fuck away the guilt than actually deal with it.” He scoffed. “I learned a lot.”

  “Peyton….” Ice said softly. “You were 12….”

  He stared at the ground. “I know.” He whispered. His eyes fluttered shut. “You won’t tell anybody right?”

  Ice looked around their vacant section of the library remembering where they were and quickly shook her head. “Peyton of course not. I wouldn’t tell a soul. And everything I’m telling you right now, I’ve never told anybody else.”

  He clenched and un
clenched his fist. “I told her to stop.” He whispered. “I was all talk, I didn’t really want to…” He sighed. His voice even lower. “She said she was making me a man.” He shook his head and shrugged. “And then she showed me how to cum in her mouth.”

  Ice lowered her head and closed her eyes.

  Peyton sighed. “That was my way of running away…with her, Maggie Forlin…drugs again…” Peyton shook his head. “I hadn’t even celebrated my 14th birthday. He laughed sadly. “Fucking 13 years old.”

  They stayed silent for a while.

  Ice took his hand, but he pulled back.

  “I need a smoke.” Peyton said looking around their section. He avoided her eyes.

  Ice got off him. “Peyton?”

  “What?” He looked up at the ceiling.

  “Peyton?”

  “What?” He looked at the bookshelves to their right.

  “Peyton?”

  “What the fuck Ice, what is it?” He said in frustration as he looked in her direction but not at her.

  “Look at me.” She whispered.

  He ran his hands through his hair and groaned. “I should have just stopped at asking you to fuck me.” He laughed dryly. “Then you wouldn’t be so disgusted right now.”

  Ice looked surprised. “What the hell? Where did that come from?”

  “Ice let’s just go.”

  Ice put her hand up. “What you meant to say is you’re disgusted with me. What I told you, about the mental hospital and the shrinks and----”

  Peyton shot up. “What? No!” He yelled in alarm. “I’m not…that’s not it, trust me.” He sighed and met her eyes finally. “I…I’m ashamed of a lot of things…I’m disgusted with myself… I’m a shitty person and then I remember why, and I remember all this shit I did…and it’s just…it’s just…” Peyton looked so frustrated.

  Ice leaned towards him and kissed him, gently, comforting. Peyton leaned his forehead against hers and sighed.

  “Thank you.” He said softly.

  “No thank you.” Ice said just as soft.

  They each looked at each other, both having more to say. They opened their mouth and spoke at the same time.

  “My mother was a twin.”

  “I killed a man.”

  **

  (Peyton)

  “What?” Ice asked shocked, she took a step back. Peyton’s arms were still around her waist. He tightened his hold and didn’t let go.

  “Eeehh…you go first.” Peyton said nervously.

  Ice looked confused. She shook her head and looked at him. “Are you serious?” she asked softly

  Peyton was caught off guard. The tone in her voice wasn’t one of accusation or disgust. Rather it was just of surprise and curiosity. Peyton nodded.

  Ice looked around and then stepped into his arms and hugged him tightly. Peyton hugged her back. Definitely not the reaction he was expecting. But fuck he wasn’t complaining. Ice held him without saying anything. Peyton relaxed in her arms. He hadn’t realized how much he really just needed a hug until now. Her embrace was comforting, caring…loving. He laid his chin on top of her head.

  “One question.” She said quietly against his neck.

  “Shoot.”

  “Intentionally or accidently?” she asked.

  “Accidently.” Peyton replied.

  Ice gave him another squeeze and stepped back.

  “Hey sweetheart, I’m more than grateful you’re taking this well…I mean I’m fucking ecstatic…but why? Why aren’t you walking out the library right now?” He asked, rubbing her arms gently. Or is this the calm before the storm?

  Ice looked at the ground and then looked up sadly. “Believe me; I’m in no position to judge.” She said shrugging.

  Peyton grabbed her face and kissed her passionately. “Don’t ever for a second doubt that I love you.” He said and then kissed her again.

  “How?” Ice asked smoothing his hair.

  Peyton looked at the floor. “I guess I’m going first huh?”

  Ice nodded and sat back down in her chair Peyton stared at her. He sighed and sat back down also.

  “So, we’re really doing this?” He asked looking around. “Here in this library, in this little corner?”

  Ice nodded. “I’m on a roll today. I will literally tell you my whole life and if you stick around, kudos to you.”

  Peyton laughed gently. “Ditto.”

  She smiled at him.

  They held eye contact until he rubbed his knees and sighed heavily. “Remember when I told you that at 14 I got charged with grand theft auto?” He asked.

  Ice nodded.

  Peyton exhaled deeply. “Well after my dad died, I started doing some pretty heavy drugs and shit.” He said quietly. “I just wanted to black out everything you know, forget, and act like nothing happened.” He closed his eyes. “That night me and Brad were with a couple of older friends you know 17 and 20-year-old boys. We felt all big and bad and shit because we were the youngest ones there, but nobody cared, nobody treated us as if we were kids. I mean hell we were their height and were smarter than most of them anyways.” Peyton sighed and crossed his arms.

  “So, they invited us to go to this party and whatnot, and we agreed. So, for the next hour or so were at this party. All these college girls and some high school girls that I didn’t know from another county. Me and Brad was having fun and stuff you know dancing and letting loose, hitting on the girls, getting some action.” Peyton stopped. “Can you hold my hand?” He asked.

  Ice nodded and intertwined her fingers in his. His hands felt so cold, he just needed her warmth.

  “So, after a while we headed down to the basement and it was like a drug fest down there. People were smoking weed, snorting crack, shooting up heroin and shit.” Peyton stopped for a minute. “Then Jason one of the older guys with us came over with this needle and he was like wanna try.” Peyton paused again and swallowed hard. “I’m so fucking dumb.” He said.

  Ice held onto his arm. “It’s okay.”

  “Remember how I told you, Brad was always the cautious one, yeah he still was. He said no, and he was saying no for me, because I hadn’t said anything. I was just staring at the needle; I was just so fucking curious you know. He kept telling me we had to go and tried to drag me out…I should’ve listened to him…I knew he was right.” Peyton’s voice shook.

  Ice chewed nervously on her bottom lip.

  Peyton shook his head and continued. “I told him to stop being such a tight pussy and live a little, just one shot. He got mad and told me I was doing too much, that this shit wasn’t gonna help me. So, I pushed him, and he fell. I told a couple guys to get rid of him because he was raining on my parade.” Peyton’s voice went cold. “Later I found out that while I was shooting up, they beat him up cause they were so fucking high…gave him a couple broken ribs.”

  “I’m such a fucking great friend right?” He said sarcastically.

  “Don’t talk like that.” Ice said gently.

  “Well to make a long story short, after the party we all went out…found a couple cars we wanted. Took them for a joyride. I was so high, I don’t even remember…I don’t even remember…It’s like one minute the light’s red and the next bam and then everything was black.” Peyton shook his head. “When I woke up, my mom was standing there. Her eyes were red; there were no tears in her eyes. She was looking at me but…It was as if she wasn’t seeing me…and then she left without saying anything.” His gaze dropped down to the table. Ice brought her hands up to his forearm, but he kept his head down.

  “My grandma checked me out the hospital and I learned that I hit a 42-year-old man who’d been out for a jog. He was on life support.” Peyton shrugged. “I felt like shit.”

  He finally lifted his head to look Ice in the eyes. “When I got home my mom didn’t talk to me for 3 days. She walked around like I didn’t exist. Then one day she came in my room and slapped the shit out of me.” Peyton said laughing sadly. “The she punched me…she h
as a mean left hook… I sat there with my nose bleeding and she said ….she said….she had already lost a husband. She didn’t think she had enough fight in her to lose a son too. But if I felt like joining my dad, she would more than gladly help me.”

  Ice ran her fingers through his hair to comfort him.

  “She was so disappointed in me…the way she looked at me…God…I couldn’t…I mean I…” Peyton couldn’t finish.

  “It’s okay.” Ice said hugging him. When she tried to move, he clung to her, so she let him. They stayed in that position for a couple minutes, Ice just holding him. He then released her and kissed her cheek.