Bookmark Days

by Scot Gardner

  She let me go, her face twisted with pain. She folded her arms around her head and cried and rocked and cried. I felt my lip and my fingers came away bloody. My own tears drummed on the vinyl seat.

  I opened the door and ran.

  CHAPTER 18

  My hands were still shaking when I dipped them into the creek to wash my face. I’d cried myself to the stupid uncontrollable sob stage and tears and snot mixed with the water before racing off downstream.

  I’d never hit anyone in anger before. Another bookmark moment. Katie deserved it, though. She was totally out of control. It was as though she was dying of a terminal illness and the doctors had given her a year and she was determined to live it like she was on fire. Reckless and shameless. She didn’t care. Smash, crash and burn until there’s nothing left but a trail of devastated lives.

  But as my sobbing started to fade, so did my sense of drama. I began rehearsing the conversation I’d have with Mum and Dad and Aunty Jacq when they asked me what the fight was about. I couldn’t give them a sensible answer. None of it made sense unless you knew everything that had happened leading up to it and there was no way that story was ever going to be told. Not straight up, anyway, and not to our parents. If I was honest with myself, I wanted some of Katie’s self-confidence and wild spirit, just not so much that I had to try it on with every guy who crossed my path. Not so much that I couldn’t see boundaries any more and I became blind to other people’s feelings. I wanted to still know when enough was enough.

  With a massive stuttery sigh, I drank deeply from the creek, dragged myself to my feet and started for the ute.

  The sun was hot on my neck as I slid between the wires of the fence and onto the track. I wasn’t really surprised to see that the ute had gone. The walk to the house from there would have killed Katie and the car would have turned into a very effective oven sitting in the sun. I was about seven kilometres from home but that felt like quality thinking time, not a punishment. I just wished I had my hat.

  About an hour and a half into what was probably only going to be a two-hour walk, Chooka arrived on the four-wheeler.

  ‘Mum wants you,’ he said.

  ‘Can I ride with you?’

  ‘Of course. I’m driving, though.’

  ‘Not too fast.’

  ‘I’ve only got one speed!’

  And that was about twenty kilometres per hour. He leaned forward as if he was a speedway rider. I hung on to his waist every time he accelerated.

  The ute was parked in front of the shed. No obvious damage.

  Mum was waiting for me in the kitchen. She inspected my lip but offered no first aid.

  ‘What did you two fight about?’ she asked.

  ‘Nothing really. Stupid stuff,’ I said. I hoped like hell that she wouldn’t ask me to explain.

  ‘She’s in your room.’

  I shrugged.

  ‘She’s packed her bag,’ she said. ‘Told her mother she wants to go home.’

  Katie was on her bed. The curtains were closed. It looked as though she’d thrown her bag at the cupboard; its guts had spilled onto the floor.

  I closed the door behind me and stretched out on top of my doona.

  She didn’t move.

  ‘Sorry,’ I said to the ceiling.

  Long minutes passed. I’d thought she’d fallen asleep and was almost asleep myself when she coughed and spoke.

  ‘My dad has moved out. Shacked up with my old English teacher. I used to think it was her fault . . . dumb bitch . . . and then I blamed Dad for thinking with his . . . you know. Then I blamed mum for not killing her or at least rearranging her face and then I blamed myself. That’s where I got stuck.’

  She sniffed hard and it startled me.

  ‘If I hadn’t given Mum and him such a hard time, they’d still be together. I knew what was happening. I could see them falling apart. So I went a bit feral. That got their attention. Every time I got sprung coming in through the window or sneaking in through the garage it gave them something else to think about. And it wasn’t hard to pump it up, you know? Wasn’t hard to feed their imaginations. I wanted to shock them. I wanted them to do something other than fight with each other, and it kind of worked for a while. They fought me. But then they started fighting each other about me and the whole thing turned to crap. That’s when Dad moved out.’

  She fumbled around on the bed, sniffed hard again then blew her nose.

  ‘My bad,’ she said.

  I heard a whimper and looked down to see her body shaking. She’d curled into the foetal position and part of me wanted to rub her back but the bigger part of me couldn’t move. The mess of Katie’s life was a whole lot uglier and more personal than I’d first thought. Her honesty felt like cold rain that had the potential to wash it clean. Rain. More rain. I didn’t want to disturb that. I held my breath. Eventually, her body stopped its spasms and she blew her nose again.

  ‘I’ve never had actual sex,’ she said. ‘I’ve had fun . . . a lot of fun . . . but I always chicken out before it gets that far. I chicken out or the guy leaves the way Daniel did on Saturday. I like to read about it in magazines and I like it when other people think I’m a sex goddess. I haven’t actually gone all the way. I like to pad the truth a bit there.’

  She sat up. She honked into another tissue and looked right at me with her red eyes. ‘No, I lie about it. I lie about lots of things. Everything. I hate it. It’s stupid. I lie about my life because some days I really hate who I am and then I hate myself for lying. I’m sorry, Avvie, I really am. I’m sorry for being such a bitch. Can we start again?’

  Her face pruned up and she cried some more only this time I hugged her and sobbed along. We hugged until we had to come up for air and tissues and we looked at each other and burst out laughing.

  ‘I’m sorry I hit you. It was an accident,’ she said, and gently touched my lip.

  ‘Crap. That was no accident. But it was basically my fault.’

  ‘Rubbish. I deserved it.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous. Nobody deserves it.’

  She shook her head. ‘I did. For everything. For being such a self-centred idiot. For the stuff with Nathaniel.’

  Hearing his name made my tummy flip-flop. My nails dug into the doona. ‘What stuff?’

  ‘For getting in the tractor with him and that.’

  ‘And what?’

  She shrugged. ‘Nothing happened.’

  ‘What sort of nothing?’

  She shifted, nervously. ‘He’s just so totally gorgeous. He’s like a model.’

  ‘What sort of nothing?’ I insisted.

  She threw up her hands. ‘A nothing sort of nothing! I tried it on, of course. Who wouldn’t?’

  I shoved her hard. She rolled onto the mattress.

  ‘Me!’ I screamed. ‘I wouldn’t try it on. Not if he was your boyfriend, not if he was anybody’s boyfriend.’

  She was laughing into her hand, and then she was pointing at me and laughing.

  I slapped her thigh and she squeaked and sat up. ‘Absolutely nothing happened. He’s the hottest guy I’ve ever seen in the flesh. I’m not joking. And he’s obviously gaga for you.’

  I sat up straight. ‘Don’t be stupid.’

  She poked her tongue out the side of her mouth, crossed her eyes and punched her temple. ‘It’s sooo obvious. From the moment he stepped through the door, he couldn’t take his eyes off you. All the guys I’ve been with, none of them have looked at me like that. Mostly they look at me like they want to eat me and . . . don’t get me wrong – that’s nice and everything . . . well, Nathaniel looked at you like you were some sort of holy vision or something.’

  I scoffed, but my heart was weightless and knocking at my throat.

  ‘He’s going camping on Wednesday,’ she said.

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘Mmmm. He wanted me to tell you where but I’m not sure I’m ready to share information that sensitive with you. Think I might just go there myself.’

  �
�KATIE!’

  Her hands came up again, this time to protect her head. One look in my eyes and she was upright and apologising properly.

  ‘I’m sorry. I don’t cope well with being the second most sexy creature in the room. Any room. Especially if the sexy creature ahead of me is you. I mean, I love you and everything, but you’re Avvie. You’re my cousin. You’re good at everything else except guys. I’m the guy expert, remember?’

  I sighed, and the desire to bat her around the head left with the breath. ‘But you are. I don’t know anything about guys. You have to be the expert. I need your help.’

  ‘You don’t need anybody’s help, Av. You’re doing just fine.’

  ‘But half the time I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I just feel so awkward and totally useless and I . . . I don’t want to stuff it up. Please don’t let me stuff it up.’

  ‘Don’t look at me! I’ve stuffed every relationship in my entire world. My dad, my mum’s just hanging on by a thread, my so-called friends, and every single guy I’ve ever known. All stuffed. Nam still loves me but she has to; she’s my little sister.’

  ‘I love you,’ I said.

  She was solemn for a moment then she sighed too. It sounded like it came all the way from her toenails. She hugged me. ‘I know, I know. I don’t deserve it and I think you must be a bit sick in the head, but I know. I love you too.’

  She looked me square in the face. ‘Nathaniel will be camping down by the creek near your boundary. Wednesday night.’

  I covered my ears. ‘I don’t want to know that. I’m not ready for that. I’m only going to make a mess of it.’

  ‘Get a grip, girl. You won’t mess it up. Besides, I’ll be there to coach from the sidelines.’

  ‘No, that’s just creepy. Three’s a big crowd.’

  ‘Four, actually.’

  ‘Four?’

  Katie rubbed her hands together. ‘Nathaniel’s mate Jacob will be there too.’

  I felt nuddy-creek-splash clean that afternoon. And a bit freaked out. We unpacked Katie’s bag – well, we threw her clothes around the room and totally lost it when one of her socks got stuck on the top of the bookshelf. In the evening, the world felt good again. Katie and I sat next to each other at the dinner table, poked each other and joked each other.

  ‘Oh, will you two settle down!’ Mum screeched as she scuttled about in the kitchen. She was only half-serious. ‘You’re like a pair of spring lambs.’

  ‘Leave them alone, May,’ Aunty Jacq said. ‘It’s nice to see them smiling again.’

  ‘What was the big fight about?’ Dad asked.

  He asked innocently, but the table fell quiet. I looked at my cousin.

  Katie smiled. ‘Nothing, really.’

  ‘Just stupid stuff,’ I said.

  ‘Stupid girl stuff.’

  ‘Why don’t you ask them where they went this morning,’ Hoppy said. His voice cut the air like a hay mower. He was staring at me and his eyes were as cold as ice on the water trough.

  ‘Why?’ Dad said. ‘Where’d you go this morning?’

  Katie looked at me with her eyes wide. She was biting a smile. She gave the barest shrug.

  ‘We went next door,’ I said, and stared at my fork. ‘With Les Junior out of action, I thought they might need a hand so we went and . . .’

  Hoppy toppled his chair as he got up. It clattered on the kitchen floor but he didn’t bother to stop and put it back. He grabbed his hat and let the flywire door slam as he left. Dad watched him go then looked at me with his eyebrows raised.

  ‘Did you really?’ Mum whispered, her eyes narrowed.

  ‘That was kind of you, Avril,’ Nan said, a little louder than necessary.

  ‘And gutsy,’ Dad said. ‘Would have offered myself but I’d be frightened they’d use their shotgun to say thanks but no thanks!’

  Naomi and Chooka laughed. Chooka started shooting at me with an imaginary gun.

  ‘Did you really go next door?’ Mum asked again.

  ‘How were you received?’ Dad asked.

  ‘I’m sure they were very grateful,’ Nan said.

  ‘Yes, they were,’ Katie said. ‘Av did the mowing and I collected weeds.’

  ‘I can’t believe you actually went to the Carringtons’ house,’ Mum said. Her face had softened. Maybe it was all the good vibes from Nan and Dad but she didn’t seem angry any more. Not compared to Hoppy, anyway.

  ‘Only Mari . . . old Mrs Carrington and . . . and the boy were there.’

  Katie slapped my arm. ‘The boy . . .’ she whispered.

  ‘Nathaniel,’ I said. ‘We mowed and raked a paddock of lucerne.’

  ‘Lucerne? Really?’ Dad said, genuinely interested. ‘What was it like?’

  ‘Not bad, I guess. Bit weedy, but not bad.’

  ‘Never amounts to much here,’ Dad said. ‘Always feels a bit marginal for this country. We’ve tried a few times with no real success. Might be a trick to it. Hey, you could be our spy! Agricultural espionage. Nobody will suspect the innocent young woman, will they?’

  I could feel those blood vessels in my face getting a workout. I don’t think Dad had ever called me a ‘young woman’ before. I was his ‘mate’. In the olden days I was his ‘little mate’ but he’d dropped the ‘little’ years ago. Did he suspect something? I wasn’t about to ask.

  CHAPTER 19

  The day was going to be a scorcher. Thirty-six degrees, they reckoned. I stepped outside into a wall of heat after breakfast. The air smelled like the desert and the ute was gone. So was Hoppy.

  ‘Avril?’ Mum said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You’re off with the fairies this morning. I asked if you wanted me to pack you guys a bit of a picnic.’

  ‘Sorry. That would be lovely. Thanks.’

  Katie had to check her email. Naomi and Chooka were already in the shed hunting for the boogie boards. The boards hadn’t seen the light of day since the last time my cousins were here and they’d never seen the sea at all, but then neither had I. Our long weekends happened twice a year (if we were lucky) and the six-hour drive to the coast seemed like just too far to go. It was only two hours to the river. Only ten minutes through the paddock to the big dam.

  Katie and I rode the horses. Chooka and Naomi raced off with all the gear on the four-wheeler. Katie took her shirt off as soon as we were in the paddock. She wasn’t as keen to canter that morning and I wondered if it had anything to do with her bikini. She had board shorts on the bottom half but her top half was barely strapped in. Even at a walk her boobs looked as though they were about to escape. Her love bites had faded to yellow and where she’d been sunburned on Saturday had started to peel.

  ‘You’re a thousand Ks away,’ she said.

  I shrugged. ‘Maybe.’

  ‘Twenty cents for your thoughts.’

  ‘Cool! Twenty cents for nothing!’

  ‘Come on,’ she growled.

  ‘Camping.’

  ‘Of course. Is Jacob hot?’

  ‘How would I know? I’ve never met him. I hadn’t even really met Nathaniel a week ago, give me a break!’

  ‘How old’s Jacob?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’ve never met him!’

  ‘Sorry, sorry, just asking.’

  I gnawed on the inside of my lip. I supposed I could just not go, but I really really wanted to be there. I wanted to see what would happen and, in the same breath, I was frightened that something might happen or even worse, something might not happen.

  ‘I’ll be there,’ Katie said.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said, and sighed.

  ‘If Jacob turns out to be a total dork you know that you’ll pay for it for the rest of your life, don’t you?’

  ‘Katie!’

  ‘Sorry. It’s not actually about you, Katie!’ she said, and slapped her own face.

  At the dam, Chooka and Naomi had dumped the towels and Mum’s picnic basket. They’d started setting up to surf. We had invented dam-surfing a
couple of years ago when Katie and Naomi were visiting. Basically, it’s being towed on the boogie board behind the four-wheeler. It’s more like skiing around the edge of the dam than surfing, but we’d started off on our bellies. While surfing on your belly seems fairly normal, skiing on your belly sounds like sheer madness. Naomi raised the stakes when she knelt on the board. Not to be outdone, Katie stood up, and true dam surfing was born. We tied a piece of poly pipe onto the end of the rope for a handle and learned to ride the bike tight into the corners and whip the board-rider around. Katie was great on the board but a shocking driver. The whole thing had ended in tears of mad laughter last year when Katie rode the four-wheeler into the dam. Wish we’d caught it on video.

  Anybody watching me this time would have seen a farm kid doing what we do best. I took my turn on the board (and off the board), drove the bike, shared the food, slapped sunscreen on every bit of skin I could see – mine and everybody else’s – and laughed until my guts hurt. Inside, it was a whole different story. Inside I was trying to keep the lid on a box of emotional kangaroos. Every quiet moment, some dream or nightmare about camping with Nathaniel and Jacob would poke its head through. I’d have to push it down with all my might. If I didn’t it would bound off into the fence or escape into the bush, never to be seen again. What if he wanted more than I was ready to give? What if I got swept away by it all and made an idiot of myself? What if I got so nervous I couldn’t think straight and every time I opened my mouth I sounded like a bleating ewe? Arghhhhhh!

  ‘Can I borrow some jeans for tomorrow night?’ Katie asked.

  ‘Tomorrow night?’ Naomi said. ‘What’s going on tomorrow night?’

  ‘Nothing,’ I snapped.

  ‘Yeah,’ Katie said. ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Can we come too?’ Chooka said.

  ‘Come where?’ I said. ‘We’re not going anywhere.’

  ‘Yeah, right,’ Naomi said.

  I frowned at Katie.