My Favorite What If

by Lyssa Layne

  “Thanks, Bri.” I say it and glance over at the happy family. I notice J.P.’s hand on her stomach. Our eyes lock and he quickly pulls it back. Bri takes Cal back inside and we begin our work again, the silence falling over us once more until J.P. clears his throat.

  “Guess the cat’s out of the bag. Jules and Bentley aren’t the only ones expecting in March,” J.P. says anxiously. I’m sure Jules told him about my reaction to her pregnancy and he’s probably worried I might rip apart this entire playhouse that we’ve already spent a full day working on.

  I sigh and throw down my hammer. “That’ll be nice to have cousins the same age.” I don’t know what else to say, my emotions are void and I can’t even feel the difference between anger, jealousy, or envy anymore. I’m immune to all feelings, empty.

  J.P. nods. “Yeah, right now Bri is due a week after Jules. I told you she’s been all over me lately… not that I’m complaining! We just hadn’t discussed two kids so close together in age, always thought we’d spread them out.”

  I stare at my hammer, not responding, wanting this conversation to end. Not because I’m wallowing in self-pity that my “family” is gone or that the chance to have a relationship to start a family of my own has walked out of my life, but because this isn’t me. Jules and J.P. have been my family for years and we’ve shared so many happy times together. When Jules made the all-state soccer team, when J.P. graduated summa cum laude, when he got engaged to Bri, and Cal was born, I’ve always shared in their excitement, been proud of them, but not anymore. Now a days, I’m just a lonely, heartless friend, who doesn’t care about anything and I hate it.

  J.P. takes the hint and he bends over, handing me the hammer. The sun is setting and it’s getting dark fast. After deciding to call it a day, we begin to clean up. The chirp of the crickets and the light of the fireflies fill the air around us. Finally, the heat starts to let up although the humidity still hangs thick around us.

  “You doing okay?”

  I glance up as J.P. asks this. Closing the lid to my toolbox and snapping it shut, I shrug. “I’ve been better, but hey, I’ve also been worse.”

  His hand grips my shoulder as we walk toward his house. “I know it’s tough to see all of us finding our mates and starting our families, but you’re family to us, Smitty. All of us. Don’t think things have changed, we’d all do anything in the world to make you happy. If you want us to hunt down Slo—err, her, we will, but if you want us to back off and not mention her name again, we can do that, too. You tell us.”

  I nod and blink back the water trying to escape from my eyes. J.P.’s always been a great friend and he’s spot on. It is hard to see him, Jules, and Doug moving on while I fall farther and farther behind the trail of life, being left alone. “I appreciate that, I’ll let you know if I need anything.”

  “Fair enough. Now, how about we run to the store and grab some beer. The Cards are in California tonight so the game’s just starting.”

  After informing Bri of our plans, a part of his life that I don’t envy, we head to the grocery store. J.P. heads to the alcohol section to find the perfect baseball beer for us to savor during the late night game while I make my way to the snack section. While I’m trying to recall whether it’s J.P. that likes salt and vinegar chips or Doug, someone calls my name. When I turn around, Elaina Talbott stands beside me with a smile on her face.

  In motherly fashion, she gives me a hug and pulls away, inspecting me from head to toe. My mother always does it, Bentley’s mother does it and so does Doug’s. It’s as though they have mom-radar and with a quick once-over, they can pick up on any internal struggles.

  “How are things?” she asks and the tone of her voice lets me know she’s asking about her daughter’s sudden disappearance in my life.

  I’m never going to see Sloan again, she made that perfectly clear, so I’m not going to hold back. “Look, Mrs. Talbott, I like your daughter—a lot, but she obviously has issues with me and is too afraid to even attempt anything with me. I’ve been hurt, just like her, but I put myself out there, only to have her walk all over me. So honestly, things haven’t been great. I’m still trying to pick up the pieces she left behind.”

  Elaina’s obviously surprised by my admission. Her lips purse together as though she’s ate something tart. She takes a second to let my words sink in before she talks. “Smitty, I’m speaking to you as a mother, not Sloan’s mother, but a mother. We all have our heart broken at some point. Maybe it’s a small break, other times it’s a big one. The ache of our broken heart is always there, but we must not be willing to give up on love. The past is just that, the past. We live it, we learn from it, and then we become stronger. A broken heart shouldn’t leave you loveless, it should teach you to love harder.”

  I scoff. “Maybe you should tell your daughter that.”

  Elaina pats my forearm. “Maybe that’s her problem, she’s loved too hard since Cooper’s death.”

  I narrow my eyebrows, pondering what she means when J.P. yells at me down the aisle. Elaina squeezes my arm, bringing me out of my thoughts. “She’s leaving for Europe on Tuesday… indefinitely. She has a full schedule tomorrow, but she’ll be teaching one last class at the gym Monday morning if you want to say goodbye…”

  Before I can answer, she walks off, but I know she isn’t implying that our interaction would just be goodbye. I rub my hand over the stubble on my chin and up to my buzzed hair. Sloan’s leaving, she’s figured out how to shut me out for good. This isn’t what I want and I know, deep down, that it’s not what she wants either. Pulling out my phone, I text Jules: Is that boot camp drop-in card still good? This is it, Smitty, go big or go home.

  Sloan

  From my office, I look into the gym and my jaw drops. The ten-thousand square feet building where I hold my boot camp is packed with people wall to wall. In the fitness world, when life gets in the way, the workout is the first thing people eliminate from their day. So while I have over a hundred clients, they’re never here all at the same time. Today though, I recognize almost every person waiting to workout and it looks like a few of them brought friends along, too.

  “You ready?” Kiera, my assistant, and the trainer taking over for me, asks.

  Standing up, I nod and grab my water bottle. We make our way to the front of room where I’ll teach for the last time. There’s men and women of all ages and sizes standing on the mat. Before Kiera can introduce me, the crowd starts cheering and clapping.

  It’s a humbling moment as I look into the faces of the people in the front row. I know each of their stories, I’ve seen their struggles and supported them on their ride. They may have come to me with weight concerns, but their issues ran so much deeper—divorce, the loss of their job, bullying. My job is so much more than getting them in shape physically. It is my personal mission for them to walk out of here a healthier and happier person.

  Kiera looks over at me and grins. “They want the queen.”

  I laugh and shake my head. Taking her place at the front of the gym, I’m wearing my black Nike training capris and Smitty’s old softball shirt with a sports bra underneath. It’s the last time I plan on wearing it, once I board my plane tomorrow, everything will be left behind.

  I turn to the crowd and motion for them to quiet down. “Alright, alright. I appreciate the excitement, but don’t think it means I’m going to take it easy on you!” I tease them with a grin and there’s a mixture of laughing and groaning in response.

  The upbeat music of Iggy Azalea pours through the speaker. After I demonstrate the moves for our workout, I walk through the crowd to check form. As I pass each of my clients that I know by name, they give me warm hugs and whisper in my ear their appreciation and the effect I had on them personally. Not even twenty minutes through the workout and I’m a hot mess, tears pouring down my cheeks. Kiera takes over the class for me so that I can spend time with each person.

  “Great class today,” Kiera says. “I think I can say on behalf of everyone i
n this room that Sloan is going to be missed, but she’s spreading her love worldwide. We all know how she’s affected our lives and it’s time we let her go so she can help those that need her like we all did.”

  The water works are in full effect, not just with me, but almost every person in the room. I stand by the door, receiving hugs, wishes of good luck, and tons of “I’ll miss you”s. By the time the building is cleared out, my tears are dry and all that remains are the puffy bags under my eyes.

  “Wow,” I comment, wiping the now smeared mascara off my cheekbones, “that was a lot harder than I expected.”

  Kiera nods and points to the back of the room by my office. I turn and see a well-toned man wearing a cap that covers his eyes. His stance is familiar and my heart skips a beat at who I think it might be while my stomach drops at the same time. As I walk toward him, he lifts his head and when I recognize who it is, I have to fight the urge to run into his arms.

  Smitty cocks a grin. “You’re wearing my shirt.”

  Trying to play it cool, I shrug and tug at the hem of it. “It was the first thing I grabbed,” I lie.

  He takes a step toward me and my pulse beats loudly in my ears. We’re within a foot of each other but he doesn’t make any movement to touch me. I hold my breath, waiting for what he’s going to say.

  “Sloan, did you really think I was going to let you go without saying goodbye?”

  Slowly, I release the air in my lungs, disappointed at his words. Say goodbye? That’s not what I want from him. In a perfect world, I want him to tell me that he knows the truth and that he forgives me, but there’s no way for him to be in on my secret.

  Pushing up on my tip toes, I kiss his cheek. “Thanks for stopping by. Give me a minute and I can change out of your shirt before you go.” I quickly move past him, ready for this to be over, but he grabs my hand when I walk by.

  His interlocks our fingers and he moves behind me. His chest is against my back, and when he leans down, his lips are on my ear when he speaks. “I’m not going anywhere.” On my hip, his finger spells out R-E-L-A-X.

  I close my eyes, letting myself fall back against him and he moves his free hand to my waist. He pulls me tighter to him and I start to shake my head, taking a step forward, but he holds me in place. “No, Sloan, you don’t get to run any more. You might be going to Europe tomorrow, but before you leave, before you give up on us, you’re going to tell me why.”

  A lump forms in my throat and I shake my head, muttering, “I can’t.”

  Smitty squeezes my hand. “Lo, tell me so we can work this out.”

  My eyes still shut, Caroline’s face flashes in my mind. “We can’t, we’ll never be together,” I whisper.

  “What if we could? What if—”

  With a sudden surge of energy, I move out of his grasp and spin around to face him. I might as well tell him the ugly truth so he can move on. “Jacob, what if you had to choose between Caroline and me?”

  His eyes, those gorgeous cat-like eyes that held hope just seconds ago, are clouded with darkness as he shakes his head. “Come on, Sloan, that’s not fair.”

  I throw up my hands, my body trembling as I shout. “You’re right, it’s not fair! I was there the day she died, Smitty. I was with her.”

  He freezes, every muscle in his body stills and he stares at me. I nod as I continue. “June sixth, Cooper’s birthday. Did you know that Cooper loved gooey butter cake? Just like you, right?” I laugh at the miniscule reason that Caroline and I crossed paths that day. “Every year on his birthday, I get him a piece from his favorite bakery on Hampton. You know the one, McBacker’s. Caroline wanted to surprise you so in between her salon appointment and the wedding, she stopped by to pick up a cake.”

  I try to swallow the lump in my throat, my hands still shaking as I tell the story. “It was a Saturday so the line was out the door. We stood together for twenty minutes. She told me about this amazing man that she was marrying—Jacob.” I smile as I recall our conversation. “I talked about Cooper, she never knew he was dead, and I revelled in the similarities between the two of you. I loved watching her, excited for what was ahead of her, the love that you two had. I let her go ahead of me and place her order so she wouldn’t be late to her own wedding. We never exchanged names, but she gave me a hug after she paid and ran outside.”

  It’s the first time he’s heard any of this. By the time the medics and the cops arrived, Caroline’s box of gooey butter cake for Smitty was long gone. Judging from the hard lines on his face, I can tell he had no clue what she was doing before she died.

  Taking a deep breath, I continue. “A few minutes later, I walked outside and saw Caroline crossing the street, staring at her phone. I heard the roar of an engine as a car raced down the street, but when I looked around no one else seemed to notice. There were tons of people window shopping, tasting pastries, walking their dogs, but not a soul looked up. When I saw the car, I realized it was heading straight for Caroline. I ran into the crosswalk and shoved her as hard as I could. When I looked up, she was on the sidewalk, she’d made it to the other side and I was standing in the middle of the road. I looked at the car and the driver’s eyes met mine. He was just a few feet from me and honestly, the only thing going through my mind was that I was going to get to see Cooper again. Then at the last second, he jerked the wheel and jumped the curb.”

  By now, the tears have come back and my whole body is shaking. Smitty stands at an arm’s length. When I finish, he looks up and whispers, “And he hit Caroline.”

  I nod. “I know how unfair that question is, Jacob, because I had to pick. I picked Caroline so that you two could enjoy the love you had for each other, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t save her, I couldn’t save you. I never wanted Jacob to know what it was like to lose the love of his life like I had.” I drop to the floor, sobbing as I pull my knees to my chest and bury my head in my legs.

  The screams of the crowd, the smell of the burnt tires cloud my mind as the memory plays on repeat. Shaking uncontrollably, I’m praying that Smitty will be gone before I calm down. He’s heard the truth, he hates me, and hopefully, he can move on.

  “Sloan.” His voice is deep and breaks me from my fear. He drops to his knees and pulls me against his chest. “Please don’t blame yourself. You tried, you did more than I did.”

  Gulping down air, trying to talk over my tears, I pull myself together enough to tell him, “She didn’t die alone…she died in my arms. I held her, stroked her hair, told her how much you loved her, helped her call and leave you a voicemail. I did everything I didn’t do for Cooper when I held him in my arms while he died. I wanted her to know she wasn’t alone, that she was loved.”

  Warm tears run down Smitty’s cheeks and land on my face. He pushes his hands through my hair, one hand on both sides of my cheeks. “Don’t leave me, Sloan. If I had to pick between the two of you, I don’t know that I could. But the choice has been made for me and I can’t lose you. I love you, Sloan.”

  My heart races and I wrap my arms around his neck. Still, it isn’t so easy. I kiss him softly and then pull back to look in his eyes. “I love you, too, Jacob, but I’m leaving for Europe tomorrow. I have to go, I have to leave this place behind. The memories of Cooper and Caroline, it’s just too much. I’ve tried to face them down over the years, but it’s time for me to start over somewhere fresh.”

  Smitty nods his head. “Sloan, I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, I’ll go where ever you are.”

  He stands up, taking my hand and pulling me with him. For the first time since I left him in Jamaica, a smile spreads across my face and excitement washes over me. I press my mouth against his, my tongue sliding across his lips, and he deepens our kiss. Pulling away, his fingers thread through my hair. “Guess I’m headed to Italy?”

  My smile gets wider and I move my arms around his neck, jumping and wrapping my legs around his waist. I giggle as he kisses my neck and I look him in the eyes. “How did we get so lucky to have
found the love of our lives twice?”

  He leans his forehead against mine, rubbing our noses together. “I think we probably had a little help.”

  EPILOGUE

  Smitty

  Yawning, I turn on the laptop sitting on the desk at the far side of the bedroom. The glow of the screen lights up the room, casting shadows over the light colored paint on the walls. I type in the password and wait for the machine to boot up. Rubbing my eyes, I glance at the clock. The bright red one on the digital clock and the darkness outside reminds me that I should be sleeping.

  Carrying the laptop to the living room, I settle on the couch and turn on the lamp sitting on the end table. A cool September breeze blows through the open window from the kitchen, but I’m always warm so I welcome the air flow. I lean my head back on the cushion behind me and internally curse the slow speed of the Internet.

  Finally, the Skype application opens and Jules’ face appears on screen. “Hey Smitty, are you ready for this madness?”

  I let out a soft chuckle. “I think it’s more like, are you ready?”

  Behind her, I can see the Ladner family along with J.P., Bri, and Callum gathering around the kitchen counter. It’s still evening time back in the States. There’s a small cake in front of Bri and one in front of Bentley and his daughter, Emmy. Bentley is holding out his arm, motioning for Jules to come stand by him. My buddy Doug sticks his head in front of the computer screen on their end, making a goofy face and waving.

  I laugh and shake my head. It’s only been a few weeks, but I already miss everyone’s goofy antics back home. I’m loving our time in Italy, but definitely ready to get back home. Sloan and I agreed to split our time, six months in Italy and six months in St. Louis. Despite wanting to run from the memories back home, I think Sloan is just as happy that we’ll still be seeing our families and friends on a regular basis.

  Slowly, each couple cuts their cake while everyone else in the room holds their breath. Both pairs peek at the inside of the pastry, trying to determine the color of the icing before anyone else. Finally, Emmy squeals and yells at her grandmother, “Pink!!! I’m getting a sister!”