by Deja Voss
He doesn’t like me.
He liked my mom.
He doesn’t know anything about me.
He is pretending I’m her.
It’s gross and devastating at the same time.
He just stares at me, his lips moving, but nothing coming out.
“Where is she, Micah?” I scream.
“She’s dead, Amber,” he says. “There’s nothing I can do to explain it that’s going to make it sound any better. She got tangled up with my dad, and he killed her.”
I don’t know what to do. I suddenly feel really small. Really scared. I feel like I’m not in a safe place, and this man who I was so madly into just hours ago looks like a total stranger to me. A stranger, a monster, a dangerous man who was involved in the death of my mother.
I need to be strong and just get up and get out of here, drive off into the night and never come back. Instead, my knees start to feel weak as I begin to bawl. He wraps his arms around me and hugs me to his chest, and I cry into his shoulder, trying to gather my thoughts.
I wonder if he hugged my mom like this.
The thought gives me chills.
“I need to go,” I say, squirming away from him. “I need to go now.”
“How do I make this right?” he asks.
“I don’t know, maybe you can stop by projecting your feelings for my dead mother onto me? That would be a nice start.”
I bolt to the door and swing it open, running out into the cold rainy night air.
“I’m not,” he says. “I swear to God. First of all, aside from the way you look, you are absolutely nothing like your mother. Not even kind of.”
“Well I’m so sorry to disappoint you,” I snap, sprinting to my car.
“Not like that,” he says, reaching for my shoulder as I open my car door. “Amber, you are an amazing woman. You’re a good woman, and a kind woman. You’re nothing like your mother was. Hell, you’re nothing like any woman I’ve ever met. You are your own person, and that’s what I love about you.”
“Fuck off,” I say, slamming the car door in his face. He’s right about one thing; there’s nothing he can say and no way to explain this that’s going to make anything sound any better. This is a whole bunch of crazy, and I cannot participate in it. He raps on the window of my car, but I have nothing more to say. I need to get out of here right now.
I pull out of the gravel parking lot, my eyes blurry with tears. It’s not every day that someone gets to mourn the death of their mother and grandmother on the same day, but that’s just the kind of cards I always get dealt. There’s nowhere in the world I want to be right now. My apartment sounds lonely, Aunt June’s house sounds lonely, and I’m definitely not going back to that crazy place ever again. Driving all night doesn’t sound like such a bad idea; at least I can just exist for a little bit, except for the fact that I can barely keep my eyes open.
The potholes on the mountain road snap me in and out of a state of half-awake. I’m being really stupid. It’s nearly one in the morning, and I’ve been awake since 5 a.m. Combine that with the kind of day today was, and there’s no way I should be operating a motor vehicle. All it would take is one rogue deer and I’d definitely end up in bad shape.
I pull off to the side of the road. I’m pretty sure not many people are going to be coming this way tonight. I set my alarm on my phone for two hours from now and triple-check that my doors are locked as I recline my seat and try and get comfortable. Power nap, and then it’s off to face the future, or maybe just drive all night with no purpose. Either way, when I close my eyes, all I can see is black.
There’s no room in my head for sweet dreams tonight.
CHAPTER 34
Micah:
I can’t let her run off like this. There’s so much I need to tell her.
I take off running through the clubhouse, down to that basement apartment, and grab the journal from the nightstand. This might be a last-ditch effort, but she needs to see it. She needs to understand that I wasn’t just some creep who watched her mother die and am now looking for my redemption with her.
I grab my cell phone, too, and see that there are a bunch of missed calls from her. I forgot to grab it in my panic to figure out where that picture came from. I wonder why she showed up here in the first place tonight? She probably needed me, and I wasn’t there for her, too busy chasing down ghosts.
I definitely don’t deserve her, but she deserves an explanation. She also deserves a safe ride home. The thought of her driving around these back roads in that piece of shit car of hers in the middle of the night doesn’t sit right with me.
“I see that went over well,” Brooks shouts after me as I run through the house.
I shoot him a middle finger. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. I’m going to make sure she gets home safe.”
“You got this, brother,” he shouts. “You’re going to be great.”
I pull out of the garage on my bike like a bat out of hell, hoping that she didn’t get too far yet, that she didn’t make it to the highway, where I would certainly lose her. The road is cut with potholes and puddles. I used to remember where each one of them was back when I lived here. Now, not so much. I’m driving dangerously fast, but I don’t care. I need to get to Amber.
My heart nearly stops when I see the car pulled over on the side of the road. What if she hit a deer? What if she got held up? All the bad things that could possibly happen to her race through my head, and knowing that this is all my fault makes me feel even worse. I barely come to a dead stop before I’m off running.
The car is off, the lights are out, and nothing looks like it’s damaged. I still don’t feel like we’re in the clear yet, and I peek in the driver’s side window, relieved to see her there, passed out, snoring away.
I don’t want to frighten her, but I need to wake her up. It’s not safe for her to be hanging out here all alone. Even with the doors locked, you never know who might be coming up on this mountain to cause trouble.
“Amber,” I shout, wrapping on the window. “Amber, it’s me, Micah.”
Her eyes snap open and she sits up and grips the steering wheel before looking over at me with terror in her eyes. I never want her to look at me like that. I never want her to think I’d hurt her.
“Amber, please,” I say. “You can’t sleep here. It’s just not a good idea.”
She turns her keys in the ignition, starting up the car, and rolls down the window.
“I’m fine,” she snaps. “Go away, Micah.”
“You’re not,” I say. “Please, Amber, let me drive you home. You can sleep in the back. I won’t say a word if you don’t want to talk. Just let me make sure you get home safe. After that, you don’t ever have to talk to me again.”
I can tell she’s considering it, the way she’s biting her lip and staring right through me. She doesn’t really have a choice. Unless she wants to run me over with her car, I’m not letting her drive tonight.
“Fine,” she says, “but how do I know you’re ok to drive?”
“I just am,” I say. “I stopped drinking hours ago. I know you think I’m a psycho, but there’s one thing I would never do, and that’s put you in danger. Now get in the back seat, please.”
I pull open the door for her and she stumbles a little as she gets out. As I catch her with my hand, she looks up at me like she knows she made the smart decision, like she’s disappointed in herself. I don’t blame her for running away in a rush. Hell, I did the same thing myself years ago.
She hops in the back seat, and I pull the journal out of my pocket and hand it to her.
“What’s that?” she asks.
“You don’t have to read it now,” I say. “You can if you want. It was your mother’s.”
She grabs it with trembling hands, bringing it to her nose and smelling it. She starts to cry and she clutches it tight in her fist. I shut the car door behind her and get in the driver’s seat.
“Are you cold? Warm? What do you need?”
She doesn’t say anything, but I see the flashlight on her phone turn on in the back seat.
“You gotta at least tell me where I’m going, Amber. I honestly have no idea where you live, girl.” Just that it’s about three hours away and south. We really are a couple of strangers with a really strange common link.
“Get on 219 and head south for about an hour and a half,” she says. “Oh my God,” she whispers. “That’s me she’s talking about.”
I am dreading for her sake when she gets to the part where Ava finds out she’s pregnant and refers to her as the biggest mistake of her life that she can’t wait to redeem with her and Moses’ new baby. Maybe giving that to her wasn’t the best idea. She’s going to be heartbroken.
She needs to see it, though. She deserves closure more than I ever did. She needs to know that her life was better off without this woman.
“You know my grandmother died today,” she finally says after what seems like forever. “Growing up, I always thought she was my mother.”
“I’m sorry, Amber. That sucks.”
“She’s been sick for so long, so sick. By the time I was in seventh grade, she was already having problems remembering stuff. By the time I was sixteen, she could hardly care for herself anymore. My aunt June and I did everything for her. I never minded, because in my mind, she was my mother, and I knew that she took care of me when I was a baby, and made sure that I was safe and loved, and I wanted her to feel the same way.”
“That’s one of the reasons why you’re such an amazing girl, Amber. You really do care about others.”
She sighs. “Turn left here,” she says when we reach a fork in the road.
“I’m not, though, Micah,” she says, “because even though, on the outside, I took care of her with a smile on my face, part of me always hated her for what she did to Ava. I know when you’re a kid you don’t really understand everything, and maybe you read into things a little bit, but I always thought she was really hard on Ava. I also thought that Ava was my big sister, though, so what do I know? I thought she kicked her out and told her to never come back again, and that’s why she left us. I blamed my grandmother for ruining my life and I prayed every day that Ava would come back to us. I put her on a pedestal.”
“You didn’t know any better, Amber. You were just a kid. How you felt wasn’t your fault.”
There’s a long silence, until she yawns loudly.
“You read it all?” I ask.
“I read enough,” she says. “For now.”
“Why don’t you go to sleep?” I suggest. “It sounds like you had a really long day. I’ll be fine. Just tell me where we need to end up.”
“Maybe if your cell phone wasn’t from 1984, it could do this,” she says, laughing a little bit for the first time all night. She passes me her phone, the map lit up with directions to her place. 168 Main Street, apartment 108. Easy enough. “Thank you, Micah,” she whispers softly.
“It’s nothing, Amber,” I say. “I’d do anything for you.”
I don’t know if she even heard me. I look back in the rearview mirror and she’s already passed out, snoring away, sprawled out across the back seat. She looks so peaceful, I don’t want to wake her. The girl has had a hell of a day, some of it thanks to me. The least I can do for her is let her sleep it off.
CHAPTER 35
Amber:
I wake up in my bed, fully clothed except for my shoes, my blankets pulled up over me. I don’t remember walking up the steps. I don’t remember getting my keys out of my purse. I don’t remember much of anything after I handed over my phone to Micah and closed my eyes. My bedroom door is shut, and I wonder if he’s already found a ride back to the mountain.
The journal sits on my nightstand. Just looking at that vile piece of trash pisses me off.
I spent my whole life idolizing a woman who never even wanted me, who called me the greatest mistake of her life. I wasted so much time praying for her, missing her, trying to remember every detail and every conversation we ever had.
I pick it up and start ripping out pages, crumbling them up and throwing them in my trash can. It might be petty, but it feels good. I don’t have any tears left in me today, I’m all dried up, but I feel sadder than I’ve felt in a long time.
Sadder and more confused than I have in my whole life. I probably let the only person who tried to be honest with me, the only person who didn’t sugarcoat anything, just came at me with nothing but truth, slip through my fingers in my haze. I was so nasty to him. I was so mean, and all he wanted to do was help me.
I sneak out of bed and slowly crack open the door, looking out into my living room. My heart beats faster and I feel a sense of relief wash over me as I spot him sitting there on my couch, a blanket pulled up to his chin. His eyes are half open, and he smiles at me sadly in the moonlit room when he sees me standing there.
“Come lay with me?” I ask as sweetly as possible. I don’t want to fight any more tonight. I don’t want to talk anymore. I don’t want anything but to feel him next to me, even if it’s for the very last time.
“Okay,” he nods, following me back to my bedroom. I pull back the covers and climb in next to him, still fully clothed, and he wraps his arm around me and hugs me tight to his body as we both drift off.
***
“Good morning, Amber,” he says. I can smell the coffee before I open my eyes, and the sound of his voice puts a smile on my face.
“Hey,” I say softly, my voice hoarse from all the crying and yelling. “Thank you so much, Micah. You didn’t have to do that.”
“It’s fine,” he says, sitting down on the bed next to me. “What’s on the agenda for today?”
“I gotta meet up with my aunt June and help her shop and prep. We’re having a little memorial service for my grandma tonight, nothing fancy, just a quiet dinner at her house.” I take a sip of the coffee, perfectly sugared, just the way I like it.
“Am I going to need a suit for this dinner?” he asks, running his hand up and down my back.
“Oh Micah, you don’t have to,” I say. “You’ve done plenty. Seriously. Don’t feel obligated.”
“I don’t,” he says. “I want to come, though, if you’ll have me. If we’re going to make this work, I want to be there for everything, Amber. Not just the fun stuff and the easy stuff. I don’t want to sneak around with you and be your sometimes boyfriend. I want to be your man.”
“You’re kidding, right?” I stammer. I surely don’t deserve him. This gorgeous man who asks for nothing from me except to be a part of my world. This gorgeous man who I flipped out on last night, called him a creep, and told him to fuck off because I couldn’t just be rational and listen to him. “Even after last night?”
“Especially after last night,” he laughs. “You had every right to be upset, but when I saw you slipping through my fingers, it made me realize that no matter what I do or how hard I try to be a better man, you’re the key to it all. I don’t ever want to make you sad like that again. I want to be the person you deserve.”
“Well I sure hope I can live up to the woman you have me built up to be, Micah,” I laugh nervously. It’s a lot to take in, especially because no man has ever even tried to date me before, let alone make his whole life revolve around me.
CHAPTER 36
“Hey, Aunt June,” I say, answering my ringing cell phone. “You up and moving?”
“Barely,” she groans. “I probably shouldn’t have drunk all that wine last night. It’s a lot harder to bounce back when you’re my age.”
“Are we still on for coffee?” I ask.
“You bet,” she says. There’s a long silence on the phone, neither one of us ready to start talking about what this day is actually going to entail. “You holding up alright?”
I am sad. I’m tired, but I feel like this incredible weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like Mama is finally getting the peace that she deserves after fighting this terrible disease for so many years.
I’m happy for her in a strange bittersweet way.
“Do you think you can bring Tony?” I ask. “There’s someone I want you guys to meet.”
I’m kind of nervous about throwing Micah into the mix of the chaos, and I know my Uncle Tony is the kind of person who gets along with everyone. Having him there to smooth things out might be just what I need.
“Really?” she asks. I can almost hear her smile through the phone. “He must really care about you if he’s willing to jump right in and deal with this disaster. That or he really likes chewing on your neck.”
“June!” I shout. “I’ll see you in half an hour.”
***
By the time we get to the coffee shop, June and Tony are already sitting down. I see her before we even walk in the door, her face pressed up against the glass window. When she spots the two of us, she starts to wave wildly.
“You know that woman?” he teases.
“It depends,” I laugh. He’s got his arm around my waist and he opens the door for me like a perfect gentleman. Aunt June jumps up and runs across the room, nearly tackling Micah into a hug,
“I definitely don’t know this woman,” I say. “Stranger danger.”
She’s looking him up and down, touching the ink on his arms, acting like a big old creeper.
“June, he’s not an animal in a petting zoo. This is Micah. The guy I told you about the other day?”
He extends his hand and shoots her that smile that could melt anyone’s panties, even an old woman grieving the death of her sister.
“It’s nice to meet you,” he says. “Sorry that it’s under these circumstances.”
“I’m glad you’re here,” she says.
“Do you guys need anything?” he asks. He goes to the counter to order coffee for us, and June and I walk back to the table.
“How you holding up, kid?” Tony asks.
“I’d say probably better than most people,” Aunt June laughs. “Where the hell did you find him? A playgirl calendar shoot?”
